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Good grief, she thought, where was all this coming from? She didn’t indulge in erotic daydreams, for Pete’s sake.
“Then again,” she said, hearing the thread of breathlessness in her voice, “I guess most men prefer showers over baths, don’t they? Forget the garden tub.”
“Oh, I don’t know. That big tub you’re describing holds a certain appeal, I must say. I could add an enclosed shower stall for when I wanted a quick in and out, and use the tub for really relaxing, unwinding from a long day.”
“That works,” Carolyn said, nodding, “but let’s change the subject. I think it’s rather nuts to be discussing styles of bathtubs, don’t you?”
Not really, Ryan thought, because all kinds of decisions had to be made when designing a house. Discussing that garden tub, however, wasn’t a terrific idea at the moment because the mental picture it was creating was kicking his libido into overdrive.
“There’s the restaurant just up ahead,” he said, extremely glad to see the familiar building. “We’re shifting gears from bathtubs to delicious food.”
And none too soon, Carolyn thought, willing her racing heart to return to a normal tempo.
The restaurant was one of Ventura’s finest and most popular. Carolyn and Ryan were shown to a small table in one of the many charming alcoves, affording them enviable privacy.
They ordered from large menus edged in satin binding, Carolyn’s menu had no prices printed on the parchment where the selections had been done in calligraphy. Ryan chose, tasted and approved a fine wine.
They chatted about the clever additions of the alcoves in the restaurant, moved on to the subject of the weather, then the winning record of a local basketball team made up of firefighters, police officers and members of the city counsel.
Crisp salads were placed in front of them, followed by Carolyn’s order of baked salmon with dill sauce, and Ryan’s choice of an enormous steak.
“Oh, this is all so delicious,” Carolyn said. “I have a feeling I’m going to eat every bite.”
“You’re not alone in that. This steak is great.” He paused. “So, tell me about Carolyn St. John, Ms. Carolyn St. John. How did you settle on a career involving international adoptions?”
“Is this going to lead to another argument on the subject?” she said, smiling, while telling the nagging voice in her mind to hush.
Ryan raised his right hand. “No, ma’am. I solemnly swear it is not. I’m attempting to get to know you better, and since your career is a very important part of who you are, it’s a reasonable question. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said, laughing. “Well, I grew up in Arizona and my parents still live in Phoenix. When I was a senior in high school there was a career day held and I spent quite a bit of time talking to a representative from an adoption agency. Something just clicked, and I knew that was what I wanted to do, be a part of.”
Ryan nodded.
“I went to Arizona State University and lived at home to save money. I have a bachelor degree in social work and another in human services. When I was close to graduating, I got on the Internet to see what jobs were available, found the agency here in Ventura, and as they say, the rest is history.”
“Interesting. You have two degrees?”
“It made sense at the time.” Carolyn laughed. “Looking back I wonder how I did that, because it seemed I was always studying and never getting enough sleep.”
“Do you have brothers and sisters?”
“No,” Carolyn said, redirecting her attention to her plate. “I’m an only child.”
Because special needs children require a great deal of time, energy and money to raise, she thought. Due to that her parents didn’t have the big family they’d originally planned on, but continually assured her that she was so precious to them it didn’t matter one iota.
“Did you have a happy childhood?”
“My goodness, I feel as though I’m being interviewed for a magazine article or something,” Carolyn said, forcing a smile to her lips. “What about you? Do you have siblings?”
“An older sister.” Ryan studied Carolyn for a moment as he caught the fact that she had avoided answering his question about her childhood. “It’s a cool story. My father was a police officer and met my mom when she was newly divorced and very pregnant. He ended up delivering my sister himself before the ambulance crew got there. He considered Patty to be his daughter even before she was born.”
“Oh, that is so sweet, so romantic. And then later they adopted you?”
“Yeah,” Ryan said, nodding. “My dad had mumps way back when and wasn’t able to have kids. So…after a ton of paperwork and months of waiting, they flew to Korea and got me when I was six months old. End of story.”
“But it really isn’t, is it?” Carolyn said softly, looking directly at him. “You had a difficult time adjusting.”
Ryan lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Off and on. I think it was a bit rougher for me because I was half-Korean and half-American. But enough of this, unless you want me to rattle off a bunch of Korean for you. I took a class in the language before I made a trip to Korea about a year or so ago. I learned enough to get by over there, but I guess Korean spoken with an American accent sounds pretty weird, because I set off a bunch of people in fits of laughter at times when I was attempting to communicate with them.”
“Did you enjoy your visit there?”
“No,” Ryan said. “Are you going to have room for dessert? They have a Black Forest cake here that is sensational.”
In other words, Carolyn mused, anything that touched on Ryan’s heritage was closed.
The conversation shifted again as they finished their meal with Ryan explaining that the Sharpe family was considered to be official members of the large MacAllister clan.
“My dad and Ryan MacAllister were partners on the Ventura police force for many years before they retired. They named their sons after each other.” Ryan laughed. “Which is why my name is Ryan in case you’re not following all this. I have a bunch of cousins, aunts, uncles, a set of grandparents, the whole nine yards, who aren’t really related to me but—” He shrugged.
“But they love you and you love them,” Carolyn said, smiling.
“Yes,” Ryan said seriously. “Yes, I love them all, very much. Believe me, Carolyn, I know how lucky, how blessed I am to have been adopted by Hannah and Ted Sharpe. I not only have wonderful parents and a super sister, but I’m part of the MacAllister family, too.”
Ryan pushed his plate to one side and folded his arms on the top of the table.
“I’ve upset and—and hurt a lot of fantastic people,” he went on, “by my inability to find an inner peace. Last year my grandfather, Robert MacAllister, gave me a special gift, a…well, that’s another story.
“What I’m trying to say here is that my problems are mine, are within me, are certainly not caused by any lack of love showered on me by my family the entire time I was growing up.
“I’m working hard, very, very hard, at getting a grip on the whole thing. It’s coming. Slowly, but it’s coming…the peace, little by little.” He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “What I did, said, in your office, though, was a red alert to me that I have a ways to go yet. I really am terribly sorry about what happened that day. Seeing all those pictures of the adopted kids just triggered a lot of memories and… Ah, hell, there’s no excuse for my behavior and I sincerely hope you’ve forgiven me.”
“Of course I have,” Carolyn said, reaching across the table to cover his hand with one of hers as the nagging voice stilled. “I understand so much better now why— Oh, Ryan, I hope so much that you find your peace, move past your feelings. I understand about being different and…” Her voice trailed off.
Ryan frowned as he laid his other hand on top of Carolyn’s where it rested on his.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Oh, well,” she said, attempting to pull her hand free. Ryan tightened his hold, keeping her hand firmly in place between his. “I…my career. Yes. I help create families that are a mixture of cultures. I’m confident at the time a child is placed with the new parents that all is well in that arena, but sometimes there are doubts, a problem or two with the extended family…
“You know, grandparents who might have difficulty accepting this foreign child as their grandchild. I work with those people as much as possible so that the child will know he or she, is totally loved and that…um…being different really isn’t important, doesn’t matter, and—” She cleared her throat. “I’m going to be sinfully indulgent and have some Black Forest cake.”
Ryan stared intently at Carolyn, then released her hand when she tugged on it again.
Something isn’t right here, he thought. Carolyn had been scrambling for an explanation about what she had said about knowing what it was like to be different. She’d started talking too fast, had been nearly babbling with her dissertation about unaccepting grandparents or whatever. The color had drained from her face, too, and she hadn’t looked directly at him while delivering her sermonette in a voice that was trembling slightly.
Ah, Carolyn, Ryan thought, what’s going on here? What wasn’t she telling him? What secrets did she have that she didn’t trust him with? Yet.
Carolyn leaned back in her chair and produced a small smile.
“Enough heavy discussions,” she said. “Are you going to have some cake with me?”
“Sure,” Ryan said, signaling to the waiter. “Would you like coffee with it?”
“No, thank you. The water in my goblet will be fine. Maybe we won’t feel so guilty about being piggy and having Black Forest cake if we both eat it. You know, like partners in crime, or something.”
Ryan smiled. “There you go.”
The tension of what had just transpired dissipated when the gooey, cherry-smothered pieces of cake were set in front of them. The tension was gone…but not forgotten.
When they were driving away from the restaurant, Carolyn asked Ryan if he knew where he was going to build his dream home.
Ryan nodded. “I have a piece of land that was given to me by my parents on my twenty-first birthday. It’s a Sharpe family tradition to be given a piece of undeveloped property on the big twenty-one. We can sell it, keep it, build a home on it, whatever suits our fancy.”
“How marvelous. And you like the location of your land?”
“Oh, yeah,” Ryan said, nodding. “It’s on a rise and has an unbelievable view of the city lights.” He paused. “Would you like to see it? We could drive up there right now in this vehicle, even though there aren’t any paved roads leading to it yet.”
Ryan laughed. “There’s a new one for you. Instead of asking if you want to see my etchings, I’m suggesting that you look at a bunch of dirt and scrub weeds with me. Classy, huh?”
“To the max,” Carolyn said, smiling, “but I’d enjoy it, I’m sure.”
“Okay. We’re heading for the hills.”
Twenty minutes later, after a drive that slowly left the city behind and gradually gained altitude as Ryan wove his way upward, he stopped and turned off the ignition to the SUV.
He crossed his arms on top of the steering wheel and swept his gaze over the fantastic view of the city lights that spread out below as far as the eye could see in all directions. He looked over at Carolyn, who had undone her seat belt and was leaning forward.
“What do you think?” he said.
“It’s breathtaking,” Carolyn said, awe ringing in her voice. “Oh, Ryan, what an incredibly beautiful view this is. I could sit here for hours and just drink in the sight of it. It’s so perfect it looks like a postcard.”
“Mmm,” Ryan said, nodding. “Yes, it does, now that you mention it. Would you like to get out so you can see it firsthand instead of through the window?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” Carolyn laughed as she opened the door and slid off the seat.
They met in front of the vehicle, and Carolyn wrapped her hands around her elbows as a chilly breeze caused her to shiver.
“It’s windier up here than down in the city. This isn’t such a hot idea, Carolyn. You’re obviously getting cold.”
“Oh, a few minutes won’t hurt,” she said, then shivered again.
Ryan stepped behind her and encircled her with his arms, stepping close to nestle her to him. Carolyn stiffened for a moment, then relaxed, savoring the warmth of Ryan’s massive, powerful body.
Oh, he was so strong yet so gentle, she mused. She was definitely not cold any longer. The heat emanating from Ryan was suffusing her, swirling inside her, causing her heart to quicken its tempo. That heat was growing hotter, beginning to burn within her with licking flames of desire.
Move away, Carolyn, she ordered herself. This was dangerous, was too intimate and… It was as though she and Ryan had been transported to another world where no one existed but the two of them. And in this world there were no rules of conduct that must be followed. They were free to do whatever felt right and real, theirs.
Oh, yes, she had to step forward, out of Ryan’s embrace that was muddling her thinking, and she would. In a minute. Or two. Three at the very most.
“I think,” Ryan said, his voice husky, “that I’d design the house so that there was a big deck in the back, here, so I could sit in a lounge chair and enjoy this view whenever I wanted to. What do you think?”
I think my bones are dissolving, Carolyn thought. She really was going to end this unbelievably romantic moment and replant her behind safely on the seat in Ryan’s vehicle. She certainly was. In…just…a…few…minutes, give or take a couple.
“That sounds like a great idea,” she said, ignoring the weird trembling of her voice. “Right up there on the top of the list with the fireplace and the garden tub.”
“Oh, man, Carolyn, you feel so good in my arms. You smell like flowers, do you know that? You hair is so silky, so…”
“Ryan…”
He shifted from where he stood to stand in front of her without totally releasing his hold on her. In the silvery glow of the millions of stars in the heavens their gazes met. Of their own volition, it seemed, Carolyn’s hands floated from where they still cupped her elbows to encircle Ryan’s neck.
And then he lowered his head and kissed her.
Oh, my, Carolyn thought.
Oh, yes, Ryan thought.
The kiss was tentative at first, then deepened, as Ryan parted Carolyn’s lips and slipped his tongue into the sweet darkness of her mouth that held the lingering flavors of chocolate and cherries.
Hearts beat in wild tempo, and heat licked throughout them. Flames threatened to consume them with an intensity of want and need neither had experienced before.
Ryan lifted his head slightly to draw a quick, sharp breath, then tilted his mouth in the opposite direction and claimed Carolyn’s lips once again.
Slow down, Sharpe, Ryan thought suddenly. He was losing control, was close to the edge. He had to stop kissing Carolyn now…right now. But, oh, man, how he wanted her. She was responding to him in total abandon, giving as she received. But he didn’t want to do anything to frighten her, cause her to refuse to see him again. He had to get a grip.
Damn it, Sharpe, let go of her.
Ryan broke the kiss, grasped Carolyn’s shoulders and eased her away from his throbbing, aroused body. She blinked several times, then drew a steadying breath.
“My…goodness,” she managed to say, with a little puff of air.
“No joke,” Ryan said, taking a step backward. He dragged one hand through his hair to keep from reaching for her again. “I think…we’d better go before— If I kiss you again I’m afraid I’ll…” He pointed to the SUV. “Get in the vehicle.”
A bubble of laughter escaped from Carolyn’s lips. “Do you want me to salute first, now that you’re barking orders at me?”
Ryan smiled, then drew one thumb over the soft skin of her cheek, causing a frisson of heat to slither down her back.
“Ah, Carolyn,” he said, “you are so special. I like being with you more than I can say.” He chuckled. “I don’t exactly hate kissing you, either, but I don’t think I can handle a long discussion about that part at the moment. Come on. I’ll take you home.”
Carolyn matched his smile and nodded. Ryan encircled her shoulders with one arm to lead her to the vehicle, but she hesitated, turning her head to look once more at the gorgeous view of the city lights below, etching it indelibly in her mind.
“Thank you for sharing this with me, Ryan.”
“Sure,” he said, as they started forward.
Except, maybe it had been a mistake to bring Carolyn up here, he thought, frowning. This was the place where he’d hoped and prayed he’d obtain the inner peace he sought.
But now? Carolyn had been here. Carolyn had shared kisses so incredibly passionate with him here. Carolyn’s image might hover here, haunt him in the future, make him ache with the want of her, emphasize his aloneness. His loneliness.
Knock it off, he told himself, as he assisted Carolyn onto the seat and closed the door. Why go looking for trouble that wasn’t even a reality? So he’d brought a lovely woman to his land, and they’d shared a couple of kisses under the stars. It wasn’t that big of a deal.
Was it?
Chapter Four
Late the next afternoon, Carolyn stifled a yawn as she and Ryan peered at a display of green peppers at the outdoor farmers’ market where they were shopping.
She glanced at Ryan to be certain he hadn’t noticed, that like a sleepy toddler, she was very much in need of a rejuvenating nap, and was relieved to see that he was concentrating on the vegetables.
Being out in the fresh air, Carolyn mused, combined with the fact that she hadn’t slept well the previous night had caused the yawn to nearly escape from her lips. No, she hadn’t slept well because she had been consumed with thoughts and…yes, with desire.
For Ryan.
When he’d kissed her good-night just inside her door last night she’d come unsettlingly close to asking him if he wanted to stay, if he wanted to make love with her. She’d been so shocked by her own wanton yearnings that she’d stiffened in Ryan’s arms, causing him to release her and step backward.
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