Tanya Grotter And The Magic Double Bass

By the doors, pale blue from fury, resembling a vampire recently out of a grave, stood Uncle Herman. Tanya missed the moment when he entered the room. If his voters would see Uncle Herman now, they would indeed not assume that this face distorted with malice belonged to the best deputy, the friend of children and invalids, the unselfish donor of old socks and expired canned food only just this year.

“Who arranged this pogrom? I ask!” Uncle Herman spoke hoarsely. “What happened in our apartment? I ask! Either you, vile girl, will describe everything, or I don’t know what I don’t ask… That is, what I’ll do! I’ll count to five…”

“I don’t know. There was some sticky dwarf here… By the way, his name is Agukh, if you’re interested,” Tanya exclaimed fearfully. She had never seen Uncle Herman in this enraged state before. Steam almost came out of his ears. It even seemed to Tanya that she noticed the not very pleasant odour of melting earwax.

“Two…” Durnev said in an icy voice, according to his trouble-making nature skipping the “one.”

“It’s true, I’m not playing tricks… I returned from school, and this dwarf… That is, I want to say, this freak…”

“Three… Don’t you dare lie to me! From where did you take this enormous guitar or what’s this disgrace? Whom did you steal it from?”

“It’s not a guitar, it…”

“I’m not going to stand these tricks! Even my angelic patience would come to an end! Tomorrow you’ll find yourself in the orphanage, and then in the juvenile offenders’ camp… Four…”

Tanya pressed the double bass to herself. She was horrified, but, even in spite of the terror, for some reason she giggled foolishly. She suddenly thought how amusing it would be if Uncle Herman said, “Four by a string… Four by a thread.” This smile completely drove Durnev out of his wits.

“AH, SO! Five!” Uncle Herman began to roar and took a step forward.

Before Tanya had time to consider what he intended to do, a slap burnt her cheek. Tanya yelled not so much from pain as from humiliation. Earlier Uncle Herman never hit her, only hissed, insulted, and locked her in the bathroom or on the balcony. It was as if a rotten egg emptied out inside her.

And Uncle Herman, having gone completely mad, already brought a hand up for a new blow. Dodging him, Tanya protected herself with the double bass. Durnev’s blow arrived on the instrument. Apparently, the magic double bass was not accustomed to this treatment. The strings began to drone indignantly, softly, as if they were warning Uncle Herman not to do anything stupid. Not paying it any attention, Durnev with fury caught hold of the neck and began to pull the double bass away from Tanya.

“Well, hand it over lively! I’ll tell someone! I’ll give it to the police – let you explain whom you stole it from, thief! Where’s the phone? But, you even broke the phone!!”

Tanya clutched the double bass with all her strength and did not let go, although Uncle Herman was considerably stronger and jerked her together with the instrument from side to side, hitting her back against the cabinet and the frame of the balcony.

Accidentally the girl’s hand found itself on one of the pins regulating the tension of the strings. At this instant, Durnev abruptly pulled the double bass to himself, and Tanya turned the pin. The stretched string began to drone softly and in a bass. For a moment, it seemed to Tanya that she went deaf. The glass in the frames began to tremble in a threatening way. Losing her balance, Tanya and the instrument fell together on her back.

Suddenly Uncle Herman, who was hanging over her, froze. The features of his face somehow softened, became kinder, and acquired an idiotic expression. His pupils for a while confusedly turned in their eye-sockets, and then purposefully settled down crosswise on the bridge of the nose. The upper lip curled upward, baring the sufficiently long front teeth.

Finally, being bored of roaming wildly along the sides, Uncle Herman’s eyes stared fixedly on Tanya – first the right and then the left. Uncle Herman bounced on the spot with wonder and giggled foolishly.

“Hee-hee! What a thmooth day!” he said in a thin squeaky voice.

Tanya went “oh” in fright. She said “oh” again in a second, because Uncle Herman suddenly leaned over and sniffed the double bass, and even, it seemed, tried it lightly with his teeth.

“Girlie, what are you doing here? Gathewing flowerth? Let’th get acquainted: I’m Lithper the Wabbit!” he squeaked.

Tanya muttered something, but Uncle Herman did not listen to her. He was already jumping around the room, his hand drawn in, exactly like the paws of a rabbit. Deftly jumping directly from the carpet onto Pipa’s desk, Uncle Herman brought it down. From the desk he somersaulted onto the bed, overturned bookshelves, tore off the door of the dresser, and then, getting down on all fours, started to gnaw the legs of the chairs. After swallowing several pieces of polishing, Uncle Herman capriciously grimaced. The dachshund One-And-A-Half Kilometres, bursting into seething senile barking, hung onto his pant leg. At another time Durnev would shed tears of tender emotion that the dog was playing with him, now he kicked the dachshund with his foot so that One-And-A-Half Kilometres rolled with a howl into the corridor.

“We, wabbitth, have terwibly thtwong hind pawth! We can kick marvellouthly with them!” he bragged to Tanya, gnawing the broken off leg of a chair. “Phew, thith unthavouwy thtump! I can’t thtand thith plathtic bark! My teeth will ache from it! Don’t you have carwotth or cabbage?”

Not answering, Tanya continued to stare at him in amazement. The rabbit obviously did not like it. His whitish eyebrows gathered on his narrow forehead.

“What, can’t you hear, girlie? Don’t underthtand wabbit thpeech? Carwotth, I thay, no?” he lisped.

“Yes… In the kitchen… In the vegetable box…” Tanya muttered.

“Thankth, girlie! You think I’m thtupid, think I didn’t know you? I know much!” Uncle Herman said with a conspiratorial look and skipped off, shaking the floor with his very strong size forty-seven soles. “Hey, deviouth! Don’t detheive me! You’re Little Wed Widing Hood!” he shouted, threatening her with a finger as he left.

Not a minute had passed as the characteristic sound came from the kitchen: Durnev, the very same self-styled Lisper the Rabbit, likely discovered “carrotth” and now hurried to gobble them together with the bag. In any case, to the crunch of chewing carrot was added periodically the rustling of packaging.

Tanya carefully got out from under the double bass, examining it with a mixture of horror and admiration. She never doubted for a minute that precisely it was mixed up in the sudden temporary insanity of Uncle Herman. Indeed, at that moment when she turned the pin for tuning the strings, Durnev also imagined himself as Lisper the Rabbit.

Recalling the warning on the birch bark, Tanya in a hurry weakened the tension of the string and checked whether cracks appeared in the neck. No, the double bass, fortunately, did not suffer, if one doesn’t count the small scratch left by Uncle Herman’s nails.

A key began to grind in the doors. Considering that this could be either Pipa or Aunt Ninel, Tanya quickly hid the double bass in the case and started to move it into the cabinet. Booming leaps already rolled along the apartment – it was Lisper the Rabbit jumping to meet his relatives.

And when, a minute later, the terrible dual howl of Aunt Ninel and Pipa was heard in the corridor, Tanya surmised that he met them.

“You’re not Little Wed Widing Hood! You’re the Fat Bwoad, and you’re her daughter! Don’t touth me! I’ll kick! I have thtwong hind pawth!” Uncle Herman squealed deafeningly, fleeing from them around the entire apartment…