The Brass Bottle: A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts

SCENE II

The "Pinafore" private room at the Savoy Hotel.

At the back is a wide arch, beyond which is a glazed balcony, with a view over the tops of the Embankment trees of the river and the Surrey bank, with the Shot Towers, &c., and the ends of Waterloo Bridge on the extreme left, and of Charing Cross Railway Bridge on the extreme right.

At the rising of the curtain this view is seen in a warm sunset glow.

Above the arch there is a door on the right, leading to the corridor and restaurant; another on the left, by which the waiters come in and go out.

Below the arch, down on the right, is a fireplace; above the fireplace, at right angles to it, a couch, and behind the couch a long flower-stand filled with flowers and palms.

Up the stage, centre, is a round table, laid for six persons, and elaborately decorated with pink Gloire de France roses, under rose-shaded lamp. Six chairs are placed round it, and a seventh chair is in the glazed balcony.

Below the arch, on the left, is another door, and down on left, at a slight angle, a sofa, with occasional tables and chairs. Against the wall on left is a glazed cabinet.

The furniture and decorations are copied from the original room in the Savoy Hotel.

As the curtain rises the Second Waiter is placing the napkins under the supervision of the First Waiter. Waltz music is heard from the restaurant on the right.

[Outside door above arch, to unseen attendant.] "Entrance from the Embankment as well," eh? Well, why didn't you tell me that? My friends have probably come in that way while I was waiting at the other end! This is the "Pinafore" Room, isn't it? Very well, then – I expect I shall find them in here. [He enters, and looks round the room.] No. They don't seem to have arrived yet.

[By the table.] Not yet. They vill be here soon.

Eh? Well, I hope so, I'm sure. They're behind their time as it is. [Inspecting table.] H'm! Not bad. But you needn't have had all those roses – half a dozen would have been quite sufficient. And – hang it all! You've laid for six people!

Pardon, m'sieu – we receive orders to lay for six person.

Nonsense! Your orders were to lay for four. A "petty party carry" – if you know what that means.

Parfaitement – but I think perhaps there is some mistake. This is the "Pinafore" Room.

I know that– and the manager told me this morning on the telephone that he's reserved the "Pinafore" Room for me. I'm only expecting three guests, though; so just clear away those two extra places, and look sharp about it.

But excuse – the manager he say to me —

Confound you, do you suppose I don't know how many people I've asked? Have the table altered at once, or I shall send for the manager.

[With a shrug.] Bien, m'sieu! You tell me there is a mistake – that is enoff – I alter it.

[As he comes down to the left.] I sha'n't pay for more than four – mind that! [To himself, as he sits on the couch down left.] It's going to cost me quite enough without that, I can see! [The Westminster Clock-tower is heard striking the quarter; Pringle takes out his watch.] Eight-fifteen! And I asked them for eight sharp. Very singular – the Professor's generally so punctual! [He rises eagerly as the door on right above arch opens.] Ah, here they are! [Horace enters and comes down; Pringle draws himself up stiffly.] What, you, Ventimore! I scarcely expected to see you here to-night.

[Coming down to couch by fireplace.] Didn't you? I rather thought I might run across you, somehow.

[Austerely.] Considering that, when I last saw you, you were flying over the chimney-pots with an Oriental enchanter you had released from a brass bottle —

[Seating himself on sofa by fireplace.] Ah! So you haven't forgotten!

It's hardly a thing one would be likely to forget in a hurry. You were being conducted to meet your bride, I think – are you beginning your honeymoon in this hotel?

If you want to know, I'm here because I'm dining with the Wackerbaths.

What! – the client I met in your office this morning? Then he must have an uncommonly short memory, that's all! But, whether you're dining with him or not, that's no reason why you should have forced your way in here! I suppose you're hoping that, if you can only see Miss Futvoye —

You're wrong, Pringle, quite wrong. I don't in the least expect to see Miss Futvoye here to-night. And I very much doubt if you will, either.

Do you? You wouldn't if you'd heard her parting words to me this afternoon. I said to her: "You won't forget?" Her answer was: "As if I could– after all you've done for us!"

It – it's just possible that all of them may have forgotten an engagement which was made under – rather peculiar circumstances.

That's just why they're not likely to forget it. [Going to fireplace, and standing with his back to it.] They may be here at any moment!

They may– but, if I were you, I shouldn't count on them.

I do count on them – and I consider your intrusion here in the worst possible taste. I think you might have the decency to go!

[Rising.] I tell you I'm here because this is the room which Wackerbath asked me to come to.

It won't do, you know! If it was, he'd be here to receive you – which he isn't.

[Shaking hands effusively with Horace.] My dear Mr. Ventimore, I really don't know how to apologise, neither the wife nor myself down to receive you! I do hope you haven't been waiting long?

Only just come, I assure you.

We have a private room, you see – the wife prefers it to the – ah – publicity of the restaurant. [The First and Second Waiters enter from the door on the left above the arch.] If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'll just see how they've arranged the table. [He bustles up to the table.] Why, hullo! What's this? Only four places! I ordered dinner for six!

I regret – but it is not my fault. I lay for six, and a gentleman assure me I am wrong, it is for four person only.

Don't talk about it – put it right at once. I want a chair in here – and another here.

[To Horace.] Ventimore! [Horace crosses to fireplace.] Will you kindly explain to your host that that's my dinner-table he's taking these liberties with?

I know nothing about it. You had better settle that with him yourself.

I intend to – presently.

[To Horace.] Those fellows seem to have mistaken their orders. Lucky I noticed it in time! [Mrs. Wackerbath enters from the door below arch.] Ah, here is my wife! Eliza, my dear – [presenting Horace] – our friend, Mr. Ventimore.

[To Horace, cordially, but with a nervous, fluttered manner.] Oh, how do you do? I am so pleased to meet you! I've been hearing so much about you from my husband. [She goes to sofa on the left, and sits.] It will be so delightful to have a home at last that is really fit to live in!

[To Horace.] I ought to tell you this is quite an impromptu little affair. The wife only came up this morning for a day or two in town, and asked some old friends of ours to dinner. So I wired to you on the off-chance of your being free to come and meet them.

So kind of you to come on such short notice!

I was delighted.

[Suddenly realising Pringle's presence; to Mr. Wackerbath.] But, Samuel, aren't you forgetting to introduce your other guest?

[To himself foreseeing trouble.] Good Lord!

[Surprised, to Mrs. Wackerbath.] My other– ? I was not aware – [He turns and sees Pringle, and advances to him.] You must excuse me, sir, but I didn't see you before. I – ah – haven't the pleasure of knowing your name – at present.

[Coming forward.] My name is Pringle. Yours– [meaningly] – is quite well known to me, Mr. Wackerbath.

[Gratified, but not surprised.] Ha! Very good of you to say so. And I needn't tell you that any friend of Mr. Ventimore's —

[Tartly.] I am not here in that capacity, sir. I am here because I also am expecting friends to dine with me. And I was certainly given to understand that this room had been reserved for my own party.

[In some distress.] Oh, dear! I am so sorry. I'm afraid I'm to blame. I asked the manager for this room – he told me it was engaged, but he would arrange for you to have the "Patience" Room instead.

I can only assure you that this is the first I've heard of it, or else —

[Rising.] I quite thought it would be explained to you, and I do so hope the change hasn't put you to any great inconvenience?

[Sourly.] I'm afraid, Mrs. Wackerbath, it has put my guests to considerable inconvenience, as they have presumably been shown into the "Patience" Room, and been waiting there for nearly half an hour – if they haven't already left! So – [making a movement towards the arch] – if you will kindly permit me —

[Coming down, and intercepting him; in an under>tone.] You won't find them there, Pringle. They haven't come. They won't come now, I assure you.

[On left, outside door above arch.] This must be the room, Sophia – I observe "Pinafore" on the door.

[In a triumphant undertone to Horace, who is completely staggered.] There! Who's right now? I knew they wouldn't forget!

[To himself in despair.] That old fool of a Fakrash! He's muffed it again!

[Cheerily, to Mrs. Futvoye.] Aha!

My dear Mrs. Futvoye, delighted to see you – delighted! [As Mrs. Futvoye greets Mrs. Wackerbath, to Sylvia.] And this smart young woman is my little god-daughter, eh? How d'ye do, my dear? [To Professor.] And how is our excellent Professor?

[To Mrs. Futvoye, as they seat themselves.] Dearest

Sophia! We meet so seldom now!

We do indeed, Eliza!

[By fireplace, to himself, with the deepest disgust.] First my room, and then my guests!

[Turning to Mrs. Futvoye, as the Professor joins Sylvia.] I want to introduce a friend of ours – very rising young fellow – [He looks round for Horace, and discovers him by the flower stand.] Ah, there he is – Mr. Ventimore. [Horace pulls himself together and comes forward, not in the least knowing what reception to expect.] Mr. Ventimore, Mrs. Anthony Futvoye.

Why, my dear Mr. Wackerbath, we know one another quite well already! [To Horace, laughing.] Don't we, Horace?

[Coming down smiling, between Mr. Wackerbath and Horace.] How are you, Horace?

[Approaching as Mr. Wackerbath turns to his wife and Mrs. Futvoye, to Horace not over cordially, but without asperity.] How are you, Ventimore? Curious we should meet like this! We were talking about you on our way here – that little dinner of yours, you know.

[With reviving anxiety.] That – little dinner, Professor?

Yes, Horace, we couldn't remember which night it is we're dining with you – is it to-morrow, or the night after?

[Relieved again.] Oh, it's to-morrow – to-morrow!

Then mother was right! I'd fearful misgivings that it was for last night, and that somehow we'd forgotten all about it. Wouldn't that have been too dreadful of us?

Oh, I – I don't know. I mean – I could have forgiven even that.

Ah, now I think of it – [interposing between Sylvia and Horace, and drawing him apart, while Sylvia goes up towards the table] – did you find time to attend that sale for me yesterday?

[Blankly.] Oh, yes. I attended it.

We called at your rooms yesterday afternoon, but you weren't in, so we didn't wait for you. Now tell me – [anxiously] – did you get any of those lots for me, or didn't you?

Well, no. I had the most rotten luck.

[With relief.] It's just as well you didn't – just as well. I doubt now whether I could afford the money. I find I shall be put to considerable expense – for repairs to my study.

[To Horace.] Come and sit down somewhere, and tell me everything you've been doing.

So you and my young friend Ventimore are already acquainted, eh, Professor?

Why, yes. In fact, he's supposed to be engaged to Sylvia. But, between ourselves, I should feel more satisfied if there was any prospect of his getting work.

My dear Futvoye, you needn't be uneasy about that! Why, this house he's building for me will find him work enough. He's an able young chap, and I shouldn't be surprised if he gave me a perfect palace!

[Who is near enough to hear this, comes down.] What, another palace, Mr. Wackerbath?

[In some astonishment.] Eh? Why, bless my soul, sir, I thought you'd gone to the "Patience" Room long ago!

[Drily.] I found it wasn't necessary. How are you, Professor? [With the air of a host.] Delighted to see you.

[Shaking hands perfunctorily.] Oh, how are you, my boy, how are you? [Turning his shoulder on Pringle, and continuing to Mr. Wackerbath, as they go up together towards the table, ignoring Pringle.] Wackerbath, about this house of yours? – do I understand that Ventimore is – ?

[To Sylvia, with elaborate sarcasm, as he offers his hand, which she does not see at first.] Good evening, Miss Sylvia, it's really about time that I reminded you of my humble existence.

[With slightly raised eyebrows, as she shakes hands.] Oh, how do you do, Mr. Pringle? I didn't see you come in.

[Unpleasantly.] No, you were so much engaged. [In a tone of injury.] And I must say I little expected when I last saw you at Cottesmore Gardens – scarcely seven hours ago – !

[Smiling, but surprised.] Seven hours! It is more like seven weeks!

[Beaming fatuously.] Charming of you to put it in that way! I was almost beginning to fear that you had forgotten – [with meaning] – our last meeting.

[Innocently.] In Vincent Square yesterday afternoon? Of course not. I meant since you had been to see us. And that's ages ago!

[Blankly.] Ages ago!

[Carelessly.] Oh, you said you'd been away, or working hard, or something, didn't you? I forgive you. And so you are dining with Mr. and Mrs. Wackerbath, too?

[Stiffly.] With Mr. and Mrs. – ! Pardon me, but I am under the impression that I am to have the honour of entertaining you.

[Rising; Horace rising as she does.] Entertaining us! Why, what could have made you think that?

[In a low voice.] And you can throw me over like this! After all I've done for you? Oh, Sylvia!