Beyond the Storm

Chapter 6

It should have been a perfect day, away from the cares of work and routine; a picnic long planned for in the Vienna Woods. In the soft autumn sunshine, the air is fragrant with the scent of warm grass, late flowers and pine trees. But from the start, Anna’s tension clouds the atmosphere. They sit on a log in a dappled clearing, their picnic bags unopened.

‘Tell me what is wrong.’

‘Oh, Jakob, it is hard, so hard. I’m so very sorry.’

‘About what? You are frightening me. What’s the matter? You must tell me, Anna.’

At last, staring at her hands in her lap, Anna tells Jakob what has happened. She has had an affair with Otto, her employer, the father of the children in her care.

Jakob’s initial reaction is one of total disbelief – is it possible that Anna, pure, innocent Anna, would behave in this way? Gradually, disbelief gives way to fury. His anger is not directed at Anna so much as at Otto. Anna has to agree that Otto has exploited her: she young and trustful, he an older man of wealth and experience. She is deeply ashamed of her naivety, and even more ashamed of her treachery towards Karin, who has come to regard her as a friend. She had wanted to believe Otto’s soothing assurances, while knowing in her heart they were not true. A pleasant diversion with a pretty young woman: that was all it was for him. He was confident that she would never make a fuss – it would ruin her reputation if it became known. No doubt it was not his first affair.

‘Jakob … I’m so sorry,’ she says again, putting her hand on his trembling arm. Jakob shakes her off and turns away. Anna covers her face with her hands. She does not tell him of her attraction to Otto’s suave charm, his delicious brown skin. She does not tell him she had been overwhelmed by desire.

‘Jakob. There is something else.’

There will be a child, she tells him. It is just the beginning, early days, but the signs are clear. There can be no doubt – she is sure. Jakob leaps to his feet, stands with his back to her, his hands clasped around his head, as though trying to block out the news. He makes a strange noise, something between a groan and a cry, and swings his upper body from side to side. She explains that she has not told Otto about the baby and does not intend to, ever. He would never acknowledge the child as his. Also, she does not want to hurt Karin, who has been so good to her and who knows nothing of the relationship.

‘How could you, Anna, how could you? Oh God it’s unbelievable, it’s a nightmare. I can’t understand how … how you could abandon all your moral standards.’

‘I have no explanation. I can’t understand it myself.’

How could the feelings be so strong, so totally consuming, as to overcome any thought of morality, of caution, any idea of possible consequences? Anna is frightened when she thinks about the inevitability of her journey into Otto’s arms. She is even more frightened by the absence of such a pull towards Jakob.

Jakob says little for the rest of the day. They walk in silence through the wooded paths. The beauty of the gold and red leaves shimmering in the slanting sunshine appears to mock the dark mood between them. Then, as the sun grows low behind the trees, Jakob seems to reach a resolution. Grimly, he steers Anna to the train back to Vienna. They go to Emil’s, their favourite coffee house. Emil knows them well. There are few other customers at this time. Emil comes from the kitchen to greet them, a white apron fastened around his generous middle. He looks closely at them and throws open his arms.

‘Nah! Children, children – what’s the matter? Such faces. A lovers’ tiff already? Wait ’til you’re married – plenty of time for quarrelling then.’

Jakob cannot respond in the same spirit. Unsmiling, he orders two coffees. Emil glances at Anna and shrugs theatrically. She smiles back half-heartedly and follows Jakob into one of the dark wooden booths.

‘I can’t accept this child as mine. It’s not my child, not our child.’

‘I understand.’

‘But,’ he continues, ‘I can’t let you … you cannot go through … an abortion.’ He grasps each of Anna’s wrists and holds them in front of him with violent force. He looks fiercely into her eyes. ‘Do you still want to marry me?’

Anna feels as though a heavy stone is compressing the base of her throat, choking her. She looks back at him, and nods.

* * *

Jakob makes arrangements with military precision. Esther, Anna’s older sister, and her new husband, Reuben, are the only ones involved. No one else must know.

‘We will have to bring the date of our marriage forward.’

Anna struggles to stifle an involuntary gasp. The walls of the room seem to sway and then close in on her.

‘And, we will have to emigrate to Palestine much sooner than we planned.’

A sense of panic worms up Anna’s spine, touches the back of her neck. Does she even like Jakob? He is so solemn, so strict. She breathes in deeply.

‘It’s not such a big deal,’ he says. ‘We’d have to go anyway – there’s nothing for us here any more. It’s just a change in the timing. Others are doing the same.’

It is true. Esther and Reuben are planning to go to America, and Margaret to England. Immediately after their marriage, Jakob explains, they will travel to Switzerland. It should be possible to find temporary jobs in Zurich. He has one or two contacts. He will sort out their papers – and of course Fritz has offered to help. Until they leave, normal life must go on as far as the families are concerned. Artur is already displeased that Anna has left her job. He is suspicious too, knowing how ambivalent she had felt about marriage to Jakob.

‘Marriage is a big commitment, Anna. You are quite sure? Why such a great rush all of a sudden?’

‘I’m sure, Papa.’

‘Otto and Karin like you. What possible reason is there to give up a good position at a time like this? You young people have no stamina.’

‘There were problems, Papa.’

She wishes she could tell her father the truth.

‘Problems, problems – you think no one else has problems? Have you even thought about your mother and how this will upset her?’

* * *

Although Jakob has not been able to complete his architectural training, he is offered a position as a clerk in a firm of Zurich architects. He has no option but to accept it, though Anna knows he finds it beneath him. She is able to present testimonials from her work as a nanny and governess, including – to her great shame – a glowing one from Karin. These enable her to find a job as an assistant at a kindergarten. Jakob also makes the necessary arrangements with a discreet maternity clinic in Zurich.

Esther and Reuben visit Switzerland from time to time, on the pretext of ‘walking expeditions’. Esther’s visits mean everything to Anna; she misses her parents desperately – it will be many months before she can see them again. Jakob and Anna live simply in a clean but modest apartment block. They rent one small room, and share a tiny kitchen and bathroom with four other families. They spend little, saving as much as possible for the journey ahead.

The year 1935 is an exceptionally hot summer and Anna becomes tired and depressed by the final month, when she has to give up her job. Despite having agreed readily to the baby’s adoption at first, as the time draws near, she is taken over by a sick foreboding. She tries not to visualise the baby as a child, but rather as the unfortunate by-product of a mistake. Yet as her belly grows, the baby makes its presence felt more and more, kicking and turning. Sometimes a part of its body pushes against the wall of her stomach. She finds herself responding involuntarily, by stroking what must be a foot, or a tiny elbow, and smiling. She stops hastily if she notices Jakob watching her. Anna dreads the birth. As long as she is pregnant, the child inside her is hers alone.

Anna grows increasingly quiet and withdrawn as the birth draws near. Finally, one night, she gently touches Jakob awake and whispers, ‘It’s coming.’

She is wheeled into a delivery room, while Jakob is told to wait outside, his face pale and drawn. At this most monumental event of her life, they are separate. It is the beginning of a pattern that will continue for years to come, one she is powerless to alter.

Anna screams. Jakob, alone outside, is agonised by sounds he is unable to interpret fully. He leaps to his feet, his heart pounding unevenly, his fists clenched. Every now and then one of the nurses leaves the room to tell Jakob that all is going as it should, all is well.

At last the struggle is over. Jakob hears a thin wailing sound. He leans against the closed door, sobbing. The sound that comes next is more disturbing, a strange primitive howling, like a wild animal in extreme pain. The door is flung open and the noise envelops Jakob. He realises it comes from Anna. A nurse scurries past him, holding a small bundle. She pauses in front of Jakob, revealing a tiny monkey-like face in the white shawl.

Jakob tries everything. He brings Anna small delicacies to try to tempt her to eat, suggests outings to the mountains or to Bodensee, even tries being stern with her. She remains distant, silent, wan. They have agreed never to speak of the events of the past months. She is grateful for that. Sometimes at night she wakes trembling and sweating.

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