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The proof of her honesty was Esmerelda’s confirmation about her letters and the flowers. He’d asked his housekeeper about them without seeking a moment alone with her to coach her to lie, so he’d obviously had nothing to hide. And yet, he’d never seen the letters or known who’d sent the flowers. How was that possible?
“My apologies, Miz James.” The faint growl in his low voice carried an edge that made him seem both contrite and sincere. “I have no explanation. You sent letters and I didn’t read them. And I would have read them.”
Colleen believed him instantly and felt her tension ease. A little of her hope came back. Perhaps their terrible start wasn’t so terrible after all.
“I wanted to know how Beau and Amy are. Craig never took my calls about them and he never replied to my letters to him because he maybe blamed me for it all. I thought you either felt the same way about me or you were continuing with his wishes.”
It hurt to admit to Cade that his brother had probably hated her and blamed her for everything. And pointing it out to him was also a risk. He might decide to shun her to fulfill his brother’s wishes. But she had to be straightforward with Cade. Even if instinct hadn’t warned her to do so, she would have felt compelled to tell the whole truth, foolish or not.
Cade sat down then, but his dark gaze never left hers. “Craig said you wanted nothing to do with the kids or him.”
The magnitude of Craig’s lie was another shock and Colleen felt her face pale. She could tell that it also upset Cade, whose rugged face was now utterly solemn. Worse than questioning Cade’s honesty would be to say something that would put his dead brother’s honesty into question when he was no longer alive to defend himself. And though she hadn’t meant to do that, she had and she was helpless to correct the blunder.
The silence stretched out. She couldn’t maintain eye contact with his intense scrutiny and glanced uneasily away, though his gaze had turned disturbingly gentle.
“I’ll get to the bottom of the trouble with the letters,” he said gruffly. “But you asked about the kids.”
His mention of the children brought her hopeful gaze back to his and she couldn’t help the swell of longing and emotion she felt. It had been six long months since she’d seen them.
“They’re fine. I’ve got a nanny for them, but it’s her day off and a neighbor of mine took them to a friend’s house to play.”
“Can I see them?” Her breathless question was eager with hope, but she was terrified he’d find some reason to refuse.
“Of course you can.” The voice that was big and gruff enough to roar out commands was now husky and surprisingly gentle.
Relief intensified the emotion she felt and she looked down at her shaking hands to get control of the tears that made her eyes feel scalding and full. When she could, she gripped her hands together to still their tremors then gathered her courage and looked over at him.
“Thank you, thank you so much. It means a lot.” She smiled at him, but the effort not to cry made her mouth tremble. Desperate to keep from going teary in front of him, she went on with the more difficult reason she’d come to the Chalmers Ranch.
“Obviously, you’ll soon petition the court for permanent custody or guardianship of Beau and Amy, if you haven’t already. I wanted to be sure you know that I hope to have a place in their lives.”
There it was. Plain-spoken and direct. She was putting her heart on the line and praying Cade Chalmers wouldn’t break it. It was one thing to let her see the kids today. It was quite another to go on allowing it and to grant her the security of detailing it in a legal agreement.
She could read nothing in the rugged expression that suddenly shuttered his reaction from her. His low voice went soft, but there was no mistaking the hint of warning.
“Will you challenge me for custody?”
Colleen eased forward on the sofa to lean earnestly toward him. “I want to be assured of a place in their lives. As you can see, I’m not sure a court would consider me physically capable of around-the-clock care for a toddler and an infant. I expect to recover enough to eventually do that, but I still don’t know how long that will take.”
She paused and saw that his expression had eased a bit. “If the children are safe and well cared for and happy here, I don’t want to disrupt that. But I do want access to them. I haven’t contacted a lawyer for advice about this, but I’m not sure I’d need to independently petition the court if you’ll put something in writing to give me legitimate legal standing. Or whatever the process might be.”
Now she saw the glint of wariness in his dark gaze and she rushed to assure him of her good will.
“I’m willing to allow the court to do an assessment of me and my home. I can cover the cost of that.”
His look turned sharp and considering. “You’re serious about this?”
Emotion rose high at the comment. “I love them very much, Mr. Chalmers. I can’t describe how much I’ve missed them. I came here to make sure you know that I want to have a part in their lives and their upbringing.”
“How much a part?” Now his wariness intensified, as if he thought her presence in the children’s lives would be intrusive.
“I’m their aunt. I’d like to fulfill the pleasure and responsibility of that relationship. I know I can’t demand equal time, but I hope to have regular involvement and maybe the freedom to at least express an opinion about their care and upbringing from time to time.”
“You want a lot. What else are you after?”
The question seemed adversarial to her and that was confusing. He’d appeared to soften toward her, but now it seemed that he hadn’t softened at all. Maybe he considered her request excessive. She rushed to assure him she didn’t intend to cause problems or be a source of trouble.
“You’re welcome to select someone of your choice to evaluate me, and if you allow me to frequently visit over whatever time is left before you go to court, you’ll be able to see for yourself whether you think I’m a good or bad influence on them. And it’s not my intention to be an adversary or to be in competition with you. I just want to have a good relationship with my family.”
“What about money?”
Colleen felt the blunt question impact her, but she didn’t understand it at all. Had she missed something? But then she realized what he meant and reached for her handbag.
“I could write you a check now as a deposit on the cost of the evaluation,” she said hastily as she took out her checkbook and opened it to take hold of the pen hooked on the check register. Pen poised to write, she glanced over at him. “How much do you think? Five hundred? A thousand?”
A look of astonishment crossed his harsh expression and that confused her even more. Why did he look so surprised? She’d already told him she could cover the cost of the evaluation. Did he not want a professional evaluation of her suitability to have contact with the children?
The awful feeling that she’d missed something important in their conversation both shamed and stunned her. Her worries over her sometimes imprecise word choices suddenly seemed minor in the face of having failed to follow the details of this conversation. What had she missed? She hadn’t been aware of this problem before and the idea distressed her.
The sound of a car pulling in behind her rental car out front distracted them both. Cade immediately got up and strode toward the entry hall. Colleen forgot her worry over the confusing turn of conversation. This might be Cade’s neighbor bringing the children home and she felt a thrill of excitement.
Revived, she left her handbag and checkbook on the sofa, got carefully to her feet, and ran nervous fingers over her hair to make certain it was still tamed. She got her cane and prepared to walk toward the entry hall the moment she heard the sound of the children.
She was so weary from the long drive and the tension of her difficult talk with Cade that she’d wondered how much longer she could last and still get back to the motel where she would rent a room for the night.
But knowing that the children were probably home and that she was about to see them and hold them and kiss them, excited her and gave her an almost giddy energy that more than revived her flagging strength. She didn’t have long to wait.
The front door barely had time to open before she heard Beau’s high young voice.
“Uncle Cade! Lori’s kids got puppies!”
Colleen made her way to the entry hall, her heart going wild with excitement. It’d been six months. How much bigger had Beau grown? Would he still remember her? And Amy! She’d been five months old back then, so now she was almost a year old. Was she walking? How many words could she speak?
Colleen stepped into the entry hall, unable to keep a wide smile off her face. Because she had eyes only for the children, she barely noticed the slim, elegant blonde who ushered Beau inside and carried little Amy on her shapely hip.
Beau had indeed grown and the sight of him made her eyes sting. But Amy looked more like a little girl than a baby now, and her blue sundress set off her dark coloring and blue eyes. Beau’s dark hair was mussed, his shirttail was out and he looked like he’d been playing in the dirt.
They were so beautiful and so perfect that she had to blink away happy tears to keep her eyes from blurring and missing a second of the sight of them.
Beau saw her first as she stood there, hoping and yearning, careful to stay at the edge of the commotion while she waited for some sign of recognition and welcome from them. The way she felt now, she wasn’t certain how long she could keep herself from grabbing them for hugs and kisses, but she could do nothing until she was sure she wouldn’t startle either of them. After all, she looked different, and the last thing she wanted to do was upset them and make them wary of her. And it had been so long!
She smiled at Beau who’d stopped in his tracks and was staring at her. Amy had caught sight of her, too, and her wide eyes gave her a good looking over. She knew Amy had been too young when she’d last seen her, but she expected that Beau would remember, though she worried that her injuries might have changed the way she looked too much for him to recognize her quickly.
To her utter dismay, Beau’s happy smile froze then fell away. The look on his face switched to a frightened frown and he went instantly to Cade and grabbed his leg for security. Cade reached down to ease the boy away enough to pick him up. Beau’s little arms latched around his neck and his small face paled.
Sensing that something was terribly wrong, Colleen tried a soft, “Hello, Beau. You remember your auntie, don’t you? Aunt Colleen?” She took a small careful step forward, but Beau cuddled closer to Cade’s neck and eyed her mistrustfully.
Cade looked as if he thought Beau’s reaction was strange but he gave the boy a small bounce to draw his attention. “Your auntie’s come a long way to see you and your sister, squirt.”
“I don’t wanna see her.”
His little voice seemed to echo in the open hall and Colleen was stricken with hurt. She tried not to show it, but her smile faded a little. The entry hall had gone quiet. Colleen was aware of nothing except Beau’s fearful little face and the way Cade studied him.
“Why not?” Cade made the question sound light, but Colleen understood how serious it was. And that her future access to the children rested on Beau’s answer.
Beau didn’t hesitate. His small face was solemn and certain.
“Because she killed my mommy and hurt me an’ Amy.”
Cade’s dark gaze streaked to hers and she felt the impact as she saw him close his mind to her. She couldn’t speak a word in her defense because she was strangling and couldn’t get a full breath. It was as if the air had suddenly been sucked from the room.
And then the room began to move. Dizziness made it difficult to stand with just the support of the cane, so she put out her free hand—her weaker right hand—to the wall to keep herself upright.
Cade said something then to the woman, but Colleen’s ears were suddenly filled with a roaring sound. He set Beau on his feet. The moment he did, Beau ran out of the foyer through the passage opposite the one she stood next to. The woman walked past her silently with little Amy, but Colleen was too dazed, too horrified to move.
She killed my mommy and hurt me an’ Amy.
The terrible words and the frightened look on Beau’s face shook her and made her doubt her sanity. Somehow she’d fallen into some strange nightmare. A strange, horrible nightmare.
She felt her knees begin to give way, but the gray haze that suddenly blanketed her vision and went black kept her from knowing whether she hit the cool hard tile of the entry hall or not.
CHAPTER TWO
COLLEEN awoke alone in a dim, cool bedroom. A light blanket covered her from chin to ankle. Her head was pounding and the ringing in her ears made her feel nauseous.
And then it all came back to her. Little Amy and Beau, so beautiful. At last she could see them, was inches from touching them, kissing their sweet cheeks and hugging them to her heart.
But then the fright in Beau’s face and the horrid words, She killed my mommy and hurt me an’ Amy.
Colleen rolled painfully to her side and curled up stiffly against the agony.
…and hurt me an’ Amy.
The words beat at her brain and pummeled her heart. She’d not harmed a hair on either child. Ever. She couldn’t fathom the accusation, but the look in Beau’s eyes as he’d said it was utterly sincere. Beau believed it completely. And from the look on Cade’s face, he’d believed it, too. Oh, God!
Suddenly she felt profoundly and urgently sick. She wrestled weakly with the blanket and got free. Making her way to the private bath was a larger challenge. She couldn’t find her cane, she was almost too weak and uncoordinated to walk, but she was desperate not to be sick before she could make her way from one piece of furniture to another and reach the bathroom.
The door to the hall opened, but she was so focused on getting to the bathroom in time that she was only marginally aware of it. She gasped when big hands closed around her waist and Cade’s big body pressed against hers. He had her in the bathroom in an instant, sitting her carefully on the edge of the bathtub before he flipped on the light.
“Are you sick?”
His big voice was low and gruff, but he lifted the lid and seat of the commode to accommodate her.
Her panted, “Yes—please leave,” was slurred.
“The doctor’s on his way,” he told her and she felt his big hand settle gently on her shoulder. “Forget about me and get it over with.”
Her desperate, “No—leave!” was all she could get out before she was violently ill.
Through every mortifying moment, Cade Chalmers steadied her. Until the sickness was gone and she was limp with cold tears running down her cheeks.
Shame burned over her body and made her skin feel on fire. A cool wet washcloth moved gently and competently over her face. She was too weak and demoralized to resist as Cade helped her to the sink and guided her through a brief routine with a new toothbrush he’d loaded with gel toothpaste.
When she’d recovered and finished freshening up, the quiet consideration Cade had demonstrated—the persistently gentle way he’d taken care of her—made an impression that went so deep in her soul that her heart ached.
The most painful and trying times of her life, especially after the accident, she’d endured alone. The solitary circumstances of her life meant that once she was released from the hospital, she’d truly been on her own. She had neighbors and friends who sometimes ran errands and looked in on her, but never anyone who stayed and took care of her. Never anyone to relieve the loneliness and despair of long, gray days and painful, restless nights.
After what Beau had said, Cade must loathe the very sight of her. It said something admirable about his character that he was capable of treating her humanely, even though he must despise her.
She could barely stand and leaned heavily against the counter by the sink, her hands braced on the smooth surface.
“I never hurt them, Cade,” she got out, unable to stop the tears, though she did her best to keep the sobs quiet.
“Something’s wrong here,” he growled. “Let’s get you back to bed and we’ll figure it out later.”
He eased her away from the counter and leaned close so he could keep his arm around her waist and gently grip her left arm to support most of her weight.
“I caught you when you fainted and carried you in here, but will I hurt you if I pick you up now?”
“I can walk.”
He stopped them both. “That’s no answer.”
And then he released her arm and bent down to carefully pick her up. The sound of distress she made caused him to hesitate, as if he was afraid he’d hurt her.
“Let me walk. Please.”
But Cade must have decided that picking her up could be done without hurting her because he lifted her into his arms and held her securely against him. She looked up into his face to discern the reason for his calm kindnesses, but his expression was solemn and hard, though his dark eyes were surprisingly gentle.
His gaze shifted from hers and he started for the bedroom and the bed. He set her on the edge of the mattress, then reached behind her to get the blanket that was bunched and twisted.
“Go ahead and lie back.”
Colleen shook her head. “I’d like to sit up.”
Cade showed a trace of impatience as he straightened.
Her soft, “I’m fine now,” was a lie, but she was ashamed to let him treat her with such care when it was probably the last thing he might want to do.
He opened the blanket and wrapped it warmly around her. Then he moved away from the bed to drag a nearby wing chair closer. Without asking, he bundled her onto it. Colleen sank back, grateful for the cocooning feel of the big chair.
Cade straightened, but his dark gaze never left hers. Colleen flinched from his scrutiny.
“I’m sorry for the trouble. I’ll be fine in a while, then I can be on my way.”
His big voice was terse. “Just like that? Just leave?”
She looked at him warily, confused by his curtness. “I have no explanation for what Beau said. I don’t even know how I can defend myself. And he was so…afraid of me.” She glanced away and gripped the blanket to keep from crying. Her heart was breaking and she was too weary and wrung out to begin to make sense of it all.
“Soon as the doctor looks you over, Esmerelda will get you something to eat, then I’ll talk to Beau while you rest. You can have this room.”
Colleen shook her head. “I’ll stay at that motel back toward town.”
“Let’s see what the boy has to say first.”
She looked up at him. “I’d rather go before your talk. I can’t wait around hoping, only to have it go even more wrong later.”
“If you’re innocent, why would it go wrong?” His eyes had narrowed on her. He suspected her and it surprised her to realize he was trying to hold back judgment.
“I am innocent, but my word is already tarnished because Beau clearly believed what he said. It would be wrong for you to not take it seriously. It may not be possible to prove or disprove anything tonight. And because you can’t, it’s not responsible of either of us for me to stay around. You have my home address if someone needs to question me.”
“Even if everything checks out with the doctor, you’re in no shape to drive.”
And his mention of the doctor—again—made her feel worse. “Please call the doctor and cancel this. It’s not necessary.”
“Too late.”
Colleen shook her head, and tried not to flinch at the pain that caused her. “Then I’ll pay for it. This is a lot of fuss for nothing. I’m sorry you’ve gone to so much haste.”
She cut herself off, appalled at using the wrong word, then got out the right one. “ Trouble. Sorry for your trouble.”
Now she was emotional again. And exhausted and heartsick and scared. “I should have stayed in San Antonio and left things alone. They’ve been through so much, especially Beau. He shouldn’t have had to go through this, too.”
She paused and struggled to get control, desperate to hide the fact that she was heartbroken. “They looked beautiful and happy.” She looked up at him bravely. “You’ve done a good job with them and I’m very glad. Relieved.” Her voice broke on the word.
Cade stared. Colleen was distraught and clearly devastated. Instinct told him she was incapable of harming anyone, especially the kids. He already suspected why Beau had said what he had, but he needed to be certain.
Moment by moment, Colleen James was becoming more genuine to him. She was nothing like her selfish sister. In his experience with females, Colleen was a novelty. Simple, uncomplicated. And utterly in love with those kids. He suddenly realized that she was the kind of woman who would sacrifice herself for their well-being and happiness if need be, and Cade Chalmers found women like that irresistible.
The faint chime that carried down the hall in this wing of the house told him the doctor had arrived, so he started out of the room.
Colleen submitted to Dr. Amado’s brief examination. She knew she’d overdone it that day and the doctor gently chided her for it, though he pronounced her well enough, and readily agreed that her fainting spell was likely the result of being overtired then sustaining an emotional shock. She wasn’t comfortable discussing the reason for the shock with him and he didn’t press her.
He was kind and took his time, asking about her injuries and the types of physical therapy she’d done, then reminiscing about a couple of the surgeons she’d had. Somewhere along the line it occurred to her that he was stretching out the exam which, by itself, would have taken almost no time.
Just when she was trying to find a way to let him know she suspected him of doing just that, he smiled at her as if he’d read her mind.
“Cade wanted me to keep you busy in here for a while, but it’s been pleasant talking to you, Colleen. You’re lucky you’re doing so well, though it might not seem that way to you right now. Take care of yourself and keep up with the therapy. One day, this will all be in the past.” He leaned forward to touch her shoulder. “And she’ll live happily ever after.”
The small bit of whimsy made her force a small smile because that was the expected reaction. But she had little confidence in happily-ever-after, and today had only confirmed her pessimism.
“How much do I owe you, Doctor?”
“Cade already took care of it, and you’ll waste valuable energy arguing with him about it.” He gave her a stern look. “And you shouldn’t drive anywhere until at least tomorrow, after you’ve rested up. San Antonio is a long way off when you don’t feel well. As you probably discovered today. Go ahead and have a nap before supper. I’ll tell Cade to wake you in a couple hours.”
With that, he stood up from the chair he’d dragged over by hers and bid her a pleasant goodbye before he returned the chair to its place, got his medical bag and left the bedroom.
Once she was alone, Colleen made her way carefully to the hall door. San Antonio was indeed too far for her to drive now, but the motel she’d passed earlier that day was probably no more than five miles away. As soon as she found her cane and handbag, she’d be on her way.
Whatever Cade thought he could learn from Beau, Colleen knew nothing would solve Beau’s fear of her quickly. It was better for the boy and better for them all if she just gave up and got out. Hadn’t she known all along that this had been a wild risk, that it could go wrong?
Though she’d never imagined anyone but Cade Chalmers would be the cause of a new disaster, she shouldn’t have come here. As long as she hadn’t known for sure that she would never see the children again, she’d been able to have hope. Now she had nothing.