The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

PART THREE The Middle Bit

In theory, after about 12 weeks you enter a new, easier, more Yummy and less vomitty phase, known as the second trimester. I call it the Middle Bit, because that’s just a lot clearer, as I’m sure you’ll agree. The middle bit brings clearly visible physical changes, and it heralds the beginning of your pregnancy ‘proper’, as opposed to some invisible affliction which makes you tired and grumpy. Now we can all see why!

It’s during this stage that you will finally start to feel pregnant, and it can be very odd realising there really is a baby in there, and you really are going to be a mum fairly soon. Scary stuff, but something you’ll get used to in about ten years’ time. This part deals with some of the key physical and mental hurdles you will stumble ungraciously over, and hopes to make the transition into Properly Pregnant Lady a little smoother.

Physical Changes

15 October. 8 p.m. Hotel room in Manchester. Seven months pregnant.

We are near the end of filming a very boring maths series for schools. My bump has grown so much over the course of the three-week shoot that we have had to resort to all sorts of clever trickery to conceal it: sitting down, holding objects at bump-level, shooting from the waist up and so on. Today wasn’t even subtle: they just stuck me behind the sofa instead of on it, and had me casually leaning over from the back. At one point I heard the floor manager complaining to the director that we needed to ‘find some way of disguising the situation’. I am not a situation. I am a pregnant lady who is not feeling very glam, and could do with someone telling her how gorgeous she is, and not that she is now so offensive to the eye that she needs to be hidden behind items of furniture!

The worst thing is that I am starting to feel guilty about being pregnant: that I am ruining their show because of my big tummy. I should be proud, not ashamed. I felt tons better after going to the gym this evening and I managed to have a chicken salad and a yoghurt for dinner, instead of the banoffee pie and large glass of wine I actually wanted. Good girl. Now to try and sleep despite all the heartburn and a bump which means I can’t get comfortable, ever. Good night.

You will have noticed by now that pregnancy doesn’t just affect your tummy and breasts. Sure, these are the areas it hits hardest, but the whole of your body, including your brain, God-dammit, will feel the effect in some way, and each day will hail the arrival of a new change for you to get used to. Well, at least it’s not boring…

1. Hair

Ahh, some good news here. It is very common for pregnant women to have thicker, more glossy hair for the last two trimesters. This is partly thanks to your hormones, which stop hair falling out so fast, and also partly because you have stopped murdering it with chemicals and treatments now that you are up the duff. If you already had thick hair then you might look like a backcombed toilet-brush, albeit a glossy one, so work out a style which works for all the new volume. If your hair becomes more oily, use a milder cleansing shampoo and don’t rub with your fingertips—this will stop it getting even oilier. For dry haystack hair, use a moisturising treatment every two weeks and leave overnight for a more intense effect.

Top Tips for Pregnant Hair from Daniel Galvin Senior, and Lino Carbosiero, Artistic Consultant at Daniel Galvin, London

You are more than safe to carry on having your hair coloured during pregnancy: there is no evidence that it can cause any harm to you or your baby, but if you are worried, then leave it.

Semi-permanent colours contain no ammonia or peroxide, which you might feel happier about. Vegetable dyes are also a fantastic, gentler option.

Having your highlights done regularly will keep you looking groomed and fresh throughout your pregnancy. It’s also a good way to relax for a few hours.

Keeping colours lighter towards the hairline opens up the face, looks more natural, and can make you look thinner.

Maintain your routine with your stylist throughout your pregnancy, so he or she can help you through any changes in condition and style.

If your face becomes bigger, avoid short hair styles: this just makes your face look even rounder.

Try softening the shape around the front of your face by going for a soft fringe, or gentle layering from the chin downwards.

We recommend to all our pregnant clients that they get their hair washed and blow-dried before they go into labour. It doesn’t take long, but it will make you look sensational, and can really boost your mood. Lino’s wife swears it helped her to get through it all!

NB: DO NOT GO FOR A RADICAL RESTYLE WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT! Firstly, your face will change shape (see over) so what suits you now might look awful within six months, and secondly, you are just a confused pregnant lady who thinks a change will make her feel better about the whole thing. It won’t. It will lead to tears and a disastrous barnet.

2. Nails

Like hair, your nails can look particularly lovely during this stage, and they can grow much more quickly. Unfortunately this can mean they become thinner and more brittle, but it’s a perfect excuse to have regular manicures.

3. Eyes

I had a very weird side-effect between about five and eight months pregnant with my third baby: my eyes became dry and itchy, and it looked as though the corneas were swollen and detached. Very gross, and quite worrying for a while. A check with an eye specialist concluded I had a ‘previously unseen and possibly pregnancy-related swelling of the cornea’, which I took to mean: ‘I haven’t got a clue but you’re not dying and it will probably go away eventually’, and I was discharged (sorry, unfortunate word for our subject). I only mention it to demonstrate the kind of bizarre changes you can come across.

4. Bottom and Thighs

The Middle Bit is when things start to change in these regions, and if you’ve been a bit smug so far, you might have to eat your words now. Despite your best efforts, your legs and bum will get a bit bigger now, because your amazingly intelligent but fashion-unaware body is programmed to retain some extra fat stores for after the birth.

5. Arms

Arms? Yep, even these can put a bit of worst-case-scenario-preparation flab on them, but if you are doing your weights in the gym then any emerging bingo wings can be sorted out quite easily.

6. Face

This was my worst bit. Seriously. I didn’t mind the legs or stomach, or even the occasional swollen ankle. But in all of my pregnancies my face got bigger, and I hated it. Sadly, it is very common: you’ve probably seen pictures of famous Yummy Mummies getting fuller in the face as their pregnancies progress, and it isn’t because the camera starts to add more pounds too—it’s because they really are getting bigger there. There is nothing you can do about this new look, except to try and like it. Most women actually look better with a rounder face, but we are too used to thinking of chiselled jaw-lines and defined cheekbones as desirable to adjust easily.

7. The Linea Nigra

There it is!! This is a faint brown line from your tummy button to your pubes, which usually appears at around three months. I was obsessed about the lack of mine for weeks before it showed itself, because I thought I should have one, and I wanted to see some proof that I was doing this pregnancy properly. As soon as I saw it I wished it would go away of course, but I was still happy that I had managed to make one! How dark this line becomes depends on how much melanin your body makes, and it should fade over a year or so, if you’re lucky.

8. Milk production

Eeeek. At about twenty weeks (or so—everyone’s different, remember) your boobs will receive a message from Mission Control, telling them to get their milk production sorted out quick smart, because pretty soon there will be a baby to feed, and they should allow for technical glitches and printing errors.

So they do. And it’s very, very weird. Like squeezing spots or picking dry skin off your heels, squeezing milk out of your nipples is a bit gross, but very satisfying. What comes out to start with isn’t actually milk, but a thick yellow goo called colostrum. Bath-times have never been so much fun.

If this is all getting too much for now, then I’ll move on. I just thought you should be prepared for the moment you turn into a dairy cow.

9. Heartburn

If you are experiencing this already, then you are in for quite a rough ride, as heartburn only gets worse as the baby gets bigger. I got it terribly, and couldn’t sleep without drinking milk and downing the Rennies. Antacids aren’t thought to be dangerous for the baby, but ask your doctor or midwife about how many and which to take.

10. Insomnia

There’s a lot going on in your mind, and as the baby starts to move about and get more cumbersome, sleeping becomes very tricky. So unfair, given how much you need to stock up on the stuff—where’s the evolutionary advantage of insomnia then, Darwin?

11. Uncomfortable bump

Now that you are finally getting BIG, you will notice knock-on effects such as back pain, aching tummy muscles (if you still have any), and trouble getting comfortable, especially at night. This is a good time to start sleeping with a pillow between your legs, because it makes the bump pull down less, and if you can pretend that it’s Johnny Depp and not a pillow at all, then you won’t mind all the insomnia. Sorted.

12. Cravings

I hate to burst a somewhat amusing and traditional bubble, but cravings are a hugely over-emphasised part of early pregnancy. Gherkins with cream, charcoal and raw onions are all the stuff of hearsay and fantasy, because the truth is a whole lot less exciting. Sorry.

Here are some cravings I can vouch for, as related to me by several Mummy friends: fresh fruit smoothies, sweet and sour Chinese food, iceberg lettuce, roll-mop herrings, vinegar (my mum used to drink it, which may explain a few thing about me…), strawberries (one lady could smell them from 800 metres away!), strong curry, ice-cream and black olives.

I never craved anything, apart from a flatter stomach, but I did go off things I had previously adored: Marmite made me retch, hot chocolate (which I had previously guzzled in pints) suddenly smelled like rotten cider, and I couldn’t eat lettuce at all. Disaster! I had no problem with coffee, which is supposed to make all pregnant women feel sick, and even alcohol never lost its appeal. Here’s hoping you experience some wacky cravings to tell your children and Yummy Mummy friends about. It’s kind of expected…

13. Skin

Despite what your partner may try to tell you, the skin is the biggest organ in the human body. (Worth remembering for times when a severe put-down is required—any time he tries to have sex with you when you are in a bad mood for example. ) It’s really no surprise, then, that an event as physically demanding as pregnancy will have some effect on your skin. You may even get more skin problems after the birth than during the pregnancy itself.

In my case, the biggest skin problem was hyper-pigmentation.

Hyper-what?

Pigmentation. What started as sweet-looking freckles around my nose and dotted across my forehead (very Milly Molly Mandy; very cute), grew into patches of darker skin all over the place. Suddenly, this stopped being cute and started to be unsightly.

Early attempts to cover this up with foundation were successful, but as the months progressed the dark patches became so noticeable in the middle of my face that no amount of slap and powder would hide them properly, and they began to make me miserable. The final straw came when my peach-skinned three-year-old asked, in that levelling way only three-year-olds can get away with: ‘Mummy, what are those horrid brown marks on your face? Did the baby make them?’ Grrrr.

Time for some science. Ahem!

Skin discolouration, or pigmentation, is the result of increased local melanin production. Melanin is the skin pigment which protects us from the effects of strong sunlight (you knew that), but often, due to environmental or internal influences (I’d say pregnancy is probably a fairly hefty internal influence), the skin produces more melanin than it needs. During pregnancy, our good old friends oestrogen and progesterone are thought to cause greater stimulation of the pigment, resulting in hyper-pigmented skin spots. (You didn’t know that!)

Luckily for you, cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies have been quick to cash in on the increasing awareness of this problem, and the number of ‘skin-lightening’ and ‘blanching’ products, which aim (and claim) to remove, or at least lessen, pigmented areas, is rising.

These either stop the melanin being produced or act as superexfoliators, penetrating the skin, removing the old cells and increasing the production of new, unpigmented ones.

I peeled, masked and creamed religiously for six months after the birth, and I am pleased to report a dramatic improvement. Whether this would have happened anyway, I’ll never know, but just doing something about it felt better than sitting the ugliness out.

Before you rush out to fill your rather lovely Anya Hindmarch tote with acids and peels, here is some life-changing advice from one of the UK’s best dermatologists: photocopy it and stick it to your bathroom mirror.

A good sunscreen is a woman’s most important weapon against skin pigmentation. You should wear it every day, even in winter or on overcast days, and you should apply two coats half an hour before you go out. There’s no point treating your pigmentation marks unless you also use a sunscreen of at least factor sixty every day. Finally, always wear a hat and try to stay in the shade.

You heard the man! I never leave the house without at least one coat of factor sixty all over my face these days, my hat collection has almost outgrown my bedroom, and the same is now true of sunglasses, but can a girl ever own too many?

Some skin lightening products you might like to try:

And some excellent cover-up products to hide the damage:

14. Alien

Somewhere around the fourth month you will be convinced you have turned into Sigourney Weaver. Not because you suddenly grow six inches taller, develop dramatic cheekbones and achieve a perfect smile, but because a creature will start moving around inside you.

This is one of the weirdest, best and worst things about pregnancy: weirdest because—well, how weird can it get? There’s a human being moving inside you! The best because it connects you so strongly with your baby, and worst because it can get very uncomfortable and sore if there’s a mini David Beckham in there.

The first time you feel your baby move seems more like trapped air bubbles jiggling about in your tummy than a foot or hand doing anything interesting, and you may not notice anything for quite a while. As these sensations grow into more noticeable jiggles, you might wonder what you’ve been eating recently, until finally, one day when you’re least expecting it, you will feel a kick!

This is a fantastic moment, and the only shame is that your partner can’t share what you feel. This is the moment you finally believe you are pregnant.

As the weeks go by, these movements will get very strong, and towards the end there can be all kinds of bones, limbs, digits and other unidentifiable body parts jutting out under your ribcage, out of your tummy button or near your pelvis. I used to love all of this, but I know lots of mums who found it far too peculiar. I would spend hours in the bath talking to my internal gymnast, massaging a protruding bottom, or tickling a cheeky foot. It sounds crazy, but it sure beats depressing yourself about how big your legs are getting near the top!

TOP TIP: If you think your baby has suddenly stopped moving about as much as normal, keep an eye on it, and if you are worried then call your midwife. Hospitals are usually happy to monitor your bump for a while, just to check everything is normal. Don’t panic immediately though: babies do sleep occasionally, you know, and you will feel like a real clot when you rush in, only to monitor a baby having a well-earned nap.

15. Stretch marks

Ready? These are a complete misnomer, because stretch marks are not caused by stretching at all. You can get them without being pregnant, whether you are fat or thin, as a teenager or even if you are a man. Ha! Some think they can even be caused by stress. Stretch marks can look like thin red lines or patches. They sometimes turn white with time, and in bad cases they can actually be raised from the surrounding skin.

The bad news: There is almost nothing you can do to prevent them from appearing. It’s in your genes, so start praying you’ve got some good ones. Oh, and they are permanent.

The good news: Lots of pregnant women never get any, and they do fade with time, so ‘permanent’ doesn’t mean permanently very visible.

Can I do anything to prevent these ugly marks?

Oils and Lotions. Whether these have any significant effect is still up for debate, but there are lots of lovely lotions, oils and creams which are definitely worth a try—and feel wonderful too.

Exercise. If you keep the exercise up, your skin should stay more toned and the risk of stretch marks might be reduced. Might, but even a ‘might’ is worth a few extra visits to the gym.

Looking Good: Gorgeous Clothes for the Suddenly Large of Girth

18 December. 5 p.m. Seven months pregnant.

I’ve been trying on outfits for an hour, and I am now so depressed and disgusted that I don’t think I’ll manage to drag myself out at all. I look like a dairy cow—I have to stop looking in this mirror.

And my shoes don’t bloody fit because my feet are swollen! Why can Sarah Jessica Parker look so fabulous with a great big belly? Oh yes, Oscar de la Renta. Well, Zara will have to work the same magic for me.