Adventures in Wallypug-Land

CHAPTER XI

“Fancy seeing you!” cried his Majesty, as we sat down beside the Fish under the gombobble tree. “How ever did you get here? And what’s the news at Why?”

“Oh, thad’s a log story,” said A. Fish, Esq., and proceeded to tell us how that after we had escaped from Why, by means of the shute, there had been a great commotion in the place, and the Doctor-in-Law was furious. He declared that we should not slip through his hands in this way, and had a long conversation with the Sister-in-Law and the others as to the best way of affecting our capture. Finally they decided to attach themselves to a long rope, and come down the shute in pursuit of us.

A. Fish, Esq., made the excuse that his cold was too bad to permit him to join the party, and waited till they had got a good way down, and then cut the rope. He thought that this would be the best way of being of service to us. And so it was, of course, for goodness only knows where our pursuers were by this time.

A little while after he had cut the rope A. Fish, Esq., came across the Crow, who told him that he had been informed by two duffer birds (which was the name of the curious blue birds which we had noticed) that we were here at Wer-har-wei, and had immediately set about to discover the best way to get here.

He went in the first place to the station-master at Why, and found him, as usual, engaged in squabbling with the porter.

They were arguing as to whether a certain signal should be up or down.

The station-master declared that the signal should always be up on the up line and down on the down line. This the porter would not agree to, so it was at last decided to put one up and one down and leave them so, and then the engine-drivers could do as they pleased about going on or stopping.

When they had quite settled this dispute, A. Fish, Esq., had asked them if there were any trains running between Why and this place, and at first they had said no; but presently the porter remembered that there was a certain train which started on some days and went no one knew where.

No one was ever known to travel by it, and the engine-driver, who was an old salamander by the name of Mike, was deaf and dumb, and could neither read nor write, so that they had never been able to find out from him where his train went to. It had some letters on it which corresponded with those on the station-master’s collar, but no one had ever been able to discover what they meant. They were popularly supposed to stand for Weary Waiting and Horribly Wobbly Railway, the initials on the station-master’s collar being W.W.H.W.R., but A. Fish, Esq., had by a brilliant inspiration come to the conclusion that they stood for Why and Wer-har-wei Railway, and when the train, which consisted of only one carriage and the engine, came into the station, he jumped in, to the intense surprise of Mike, who had never had a passenger before, and who in his agitation recklessly put two shovelfuls of coal into the furnace, and, giving a frantic “toot” on the whistle, started off at full speed.

“It was a dreadful journey,” said A. Fish, Esq., “ad I dever had so bedy ups and dowds id all by life.”

We didn’t quite understand what he meant by this at the moment, but a little later on we discovered the reason to our cost.

After an eventful journey, A. Fish, Esq., had arrived at this place, and had found on alighting from the train that no one was to be seen, and he was just about to kick at the door of Ho-Lor’s house when Kis-Smee came bounding out. Poor A. Fish, Esq., had been terribly alarmed, and had made for the nearest tree, and was vainly trying to climb up into it when we made our appearance.

“If I were you,” he advised, “I should certaidly cub back to Why at odce, for the people all seeb to be rejoiced thad Madame and the Doctor-id-Law have gode away, ad I think thad they would willingly forgive you for having said, ‘Ad horse! ad horse! by kigdob for ad horse!’”

After talking the matter over for a few minutes we decided that perhaps it would be the best thing to do, and as the little blue station was only just at the back of Ho-Lor’s house we thought that perhaps by hurrying we should catch the same train back to Why by which A. Fish, Esq., had come. So we set out to try and find the little blue people, to bid them “good-by,” and thank them for their hospitality.

We found them at the station sitting beside Mike, to whom it appeared they were in the habit of being very kind on his occasional visits.

They seemed quite sorry to hear that we were leaving them so soon, and insisted upon making the Wallypug a present of Kis-Smee, and of stuffing into my pocket an enormous gombobble as a souvenir of my visit. Then there was just time to look at the “train” before we started. I must say that of all crazy, ramshackle affairs it was quite the worst that I had ever seen. To begin with, the wheels were all sorts of shapes, and not one of them was quite round. There was only one compartment, and that had no windows in it. And the engine! Well, it was something like Puffing Billy, only a little worse.

There was no room for Kis-Smee in the carriage, so we were obliged to chain him up on the roof, evidently much to his disgust.

I must confess to a certain feeling of uneasiness when, having taken our seats, the engine gave a snort, and puffing out a volume of dense black smoke and smuts, started us on our journey.

By reason of the odd shape of our wheels and the unevenness of the rails the carriage pitched and tossed about like a ship at sea, and our passage over a little wooden viaduct, where on either side the little blue people stood waving their adieux with quaint little flags, was, I am convinced, attended with considerable danger.

It was really a dreadful journey. The carriage pitched backward and forward, and rolled from side to side with every revolution of the wheels, while poor Kis-Smee, on the top, kept slipping about in the most painful manner. His Majesty’s carpet-bag, which had not been securely fastened to the top of the carriage, slipped off soon after we started, and though we rang the bell violently Mike refused to stop, and it was lost forever.

“Fortunately there was not much in it!” his Majesty gasped between the jerks which the irregular motion of the train occasioned. “Only a tooth-brush and small cake of soap.”

“But it felt quite full,” I remarked in surprise.

“Yes,” explained his Majesty. “I stuffed it full of paper and things, because I thought that it would look so bad for a king to be traveling about without any luggage.”

Just then there was a yelp and a howl from Kis-Smee, and looking out of the window we found that the poor creature had fallen from the roof and was hanging down by the chain which was attached to the top of the carriage, and was in momentary danger of being strangled.

We managed, after a prolonged struggle, to haul him in through the window, and, although we were rather crowded, to find room for him in the carriage. We had hardly settled down into our places, however, before the train came to a standstill, and Mike came to the door in a great state of agitation.

“Av yez plaze, sor,” he began.

“Why! I thought you were deaf and dumb,” I cried.

“Och – that’s all gammon sure – oi can talk all roight, and hear all roight too when it suits me purpose. Well, now, ye see when the dog fell off the roof he upset me coal-scuttle, and never a bit of coal is there left. Would ye be good enough, kind gentlemen, to go back and pick some up off the line, it’s only about a moile and a half back.”

The engine, it appeared, could not be reversed, and, as there was no chance of getting a supply anywhere else, nothing remained but for his Majesty and myself to go back with the coal-scuttle and pick some of the spilt coal up.

Kis-Smee bounded delightedly at our side; but we did not take A. Fish, Esq., with us, as he complained of a pain in his tail, and we feared that the long walk might make it worse.

“I shall amuse byself while you are away by giving Bike ad elocutiod lessod,” he said, as we left him.

But Mike, who was undoing his bundle preparatory to having some dinner, did not look very enthusiastic over the project, and I am almost certain I heard him mutter, “Not if I know it,” as we were walking away.

We found the coal, as we expected, beside the line, after we had walked a little over a mile, and his Majesty and myself picked it up, and packing it in the scuttle, took turns in carrying it back to the train again.

We had nearly arrived at the spot where the train was waiting for us, when his Majesty noticed some curious flowers growing in a little copse beside the line, and we put down our coal-scuttle and went to gather them. While we were doing so, however, we heard a wild shout, and looking up beheld an enormously tall and thin man running towards us, gesticulating violently.

He was waving some wire and leather dog muzzles in one hand.

“Where’s his muzzle?” he demanded, pointing to Kis-Smee. “Can’t you see the dog is mad and must be muzzled immediately?”

“I’m sure he’s not,” cried the Wallypug, indignantly, and patting Kis-Smee’s head.

“He is,” declared the man. “All dogs are mad, and I insist upon them being muzzled.”

“Very well,” I interposed. “You had better try and put a muzzle on this one yourself.”

“Oh! I’ll soon do that,” cried the man, selecting a large muzzle from the collection which he carried with him. “Come here, sir! Good dog, then.”

Kis-Smee growled, and grinning more than ever made a dart at the man, who dropped his muzzles and fled, screaming, “Mad dog! Mad dog!” at the top of his voice.

His Majesty and myself, laughing heartily at his discomfiture, hurried back to the train without meeting with any further adventures.

A. Fish, Esq., and Mike seemed to be rather cool towards each other, I thought, and I heard afterwards that they had not got on at all well with the “elocution” lesson – in fact, Mike had absolutely refused to be instructed in that very necessary art.

Of course we told them of our adventure with the man in the wood, and Mike explained that he was well known as “The Long Man of Muzzledom,” and was quite harmless, though rather silly, being under the impression that all dogs and cats were mad and should be muzzled.

“Well, he didn’t muzzle Kis-Smee, anyhow,” said his Majesty, as we took our seats in the carriage, and the train once more started for Why.

After several hours of bumping and jolting, we were delighted to see the familiar towers and gables of his Majesty’s palace in the distance, and knew that we had at last arrived at the end of our journey.

CHAPTER XII

Kis-smee was overjoyed to get out of the train, and eagerly strained at the chain which his Majesty had affixed to his collar, in his endeavor to get through the barrier.

The porter, however, who pretended not to know us, demanded our tickets.

“It’s all right,” said his Majesty, smilingly. “I’m the Wallypug, you know.”

“Nonsense,” said the porter. “The Wallypug was ugly enough, goodness knows, but he hadn’t a blue face like you; besides, Wallypug or no Wallypug, you don’t get through here without a ticket, I can tell you.”

Here was a pretty pickle. We had not thought in the least about tickets, and in fact had no idea that any would be required.

“I certainly shan’t let you pass the barrier without,” said the porter, in answer to our explanations.

“But what are we to do?” asked the Wallypug. “Can’t we pay at this end?”

“Certainly not. My instructions are to demand a ticket of every one passing this barrier, and unless you give me one you cannot go through.”

“But I tell you we haven’t any. Can’t you tell us what to do?”

“Go back for them, I should say,” said the porter, yawning unconcernedly. “Now then, one thing or another. Are you going to give me the tickets or not?”

“How can we give them to you if we haven’t any?” demanded the Wallypug. The porter slammed the door to impatiently, and went a little way up the platform, turning around to call out warningly, “If we find any suspicious-looking characters hanging about the station premises we shoot them.”

“What nonsense!” cried the Wallypug, rattling and kicking the gate. “We can’t stop here all day. Let’s call the station-master. Hi! hi! station-master!” he shouted.

No one answered for a few minutes, but eventually a door some little distance up the platform opened, and the old station-master made his appearance, puffing and blowing, and followed by the porter, carrying a huge blunderbuss.

“Now then, what’s all this noise about?” he demanded.

“We want to get out, if you please,” said the Wallypug.

“Where are your tickets,” demanded the station-master.

“We are very sorry,” I began in explanation.

“Hold your tongue, and speak when you are spoken to,” interrupted the station-master.

“Where are your tickets?”

“They haven’t any,” explained the porter officiously. “They are trying to defraud the company.”

“H’m, funny-looking lot of people, too,” remarked the station-master. “Who are they, do you know?”

“That,” said the porter, pointing to his Majesty, “says he is the Wallypug.”

“What! that color!” objected the station-master. “The Wallypug! Indeed, what nonsense!”

“But, indeed, I am the Wallypug,” declared his Majesty, “and we turned this color after we drank the tea, you know.”

“Turned blue through drinking tea!” said the station-master incredulously.

“Ha! ha! a likely story,” laughed the porter derisively.

“Perhaps it will wear off in time,” said the Wallypug, “like being sunburnt does.”

“Very well then, you had better stop here till it does,” said the station-master. “Look here!” he cried, turning to the porter, “you stop here at the barrier, and don’t let them through until they have turned a respectable color, and you can recognize them.”

“But it may take weeks,” began his Majesty.

“Hold your tongue!” said the station-master sharply. “If you have any nonsense with them, shoot them,” he added to the porter, depositing the blunderbuss beside the barrier, and going back to the other end of the platform.

Whatever we should have done I cannot think, if just at that moment the porter’s wife had not put her head out of the signal-box and called to him to “come in at once and mind the baby,” while she “did a little shopping.”