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“Call me when it happens and I’ll come right away,” she told me as she gave me one last hug. “And remember, we love you.”
We who? Her and Kyle? I am well aware that Kyle thinks I’m a juvenile delinquent, a stupid little slut, and I’m sure he’s glad I opted to enter this free adoption program. I had to come here now so mom and dad would think I was off at the camp. Kyle doesn’t mind pretending that he and Frankie are helping me foot the bill for that.
It’s not bad here. Really. The backyard is pretty and secluded, with places for me to sit in the shade and write in my diary. Somebody put a little bowl of fruit on my dresser before I arrived. I’m supposed to keep up my studies here, but I don’t know if I’ll have the heart. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be here at all.
But here I am. Waiting to give my baby to strangers.
ROBBIE, THE ONLY REDHEAD in the family and the most emotional of the McBride sisters by half, even when she was not pregnant, pressed a palm over the open pages of the diary as her face flushed and the tip of her nose gorged red from suppressing tears.
“Oh, Sissy, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. She shook her head and gripped the diary. “I had no idea. I thought this was just going to be a bunch of kid’s stuff.”
“Of course you did.” Markie was determined to let her sister off the hook gently for this trespass. “That’s what a teenager’s diary should be, shouldn’t it? Innocent kid’s stuff. Like yours, I suppose.”
Robbie stared past Markie’s shoulder, at the sky beyond the window. “My diaries were mostly about Danny. From the eighth grade on I expect my whole life was about Danny. But you’re right.” Her eyes snapped back to Markie’s. “It was all innocent. School and proms and stuff. I just assumed yours would be the same.”
“How far did you read?” Markie took two strides and lifted the diary from Robbie’s hands. She angled her wrist so she could scan the page where her sister had been reading. The words Edith Phillips Center jumped off the page. “Oh, you got to the part where I moved to the Home.”
Robbie nodded. “So I assume you…you gave up the baby for adoption?”
“Yes.” Markie frowned at the loopy teenage handwriting that described the most painful months of her life. “I’m really sorry you had to find out this way.”
Robbie swallowed. “Don’t apologize. Do you know what…what happened to it? To him—her?”
“Him.” To keep from going into total meltdown, Markie frowned at her reflection in the window. “He was a little boy. He’s with a good family in Dallas.” Again, to keep herself composed, Markie stated the facts simply, though living through it had been far from simple. It would never, ever be simple. The fact that she hadn’t shared that experience with the sister she claimed to love so much seemed to only compound her loss.
“How in the world could I have missed this?” Robbie had the same look on her face that Markie recognized on her own. Self-condemnation.
The pattern of the McBride sisters from childhood on had been to shoulder the blame in any situation. A by-product of growing up under their mother’s unrelenting domination, Markie knew. All of them had chosen different ways of coping with Marynell. Frankie fled. Markie rebelled. But poor Robbie had stayed on in Five Points, trying to appease a woman who could never be pleased. She had ended up feeling responsible for everybody else’s happiness. And now even the buffer of happy-go-lucky Danny was lost to her. The last thing Robbie needed was more guilt.
“It’s not your fault. I intentionally kept it from you.” Markie took two more steps and sat down on the twin bed next to her sister, grasping her hands.
“And it wasn’t the end of the world. I survived. I know I did the right thing. I know he’s happy and well.” And brilliant and handsome and brimming with charisma and a natural-born leader like his father. But Markie couldn’t add those things. Be cause how would she explain how she had come to know all of that? There was too much risk…for Brandon.
“Don’t try to make me feel better. You were only seventeen. I could have helped you and your baby.” Robbie withdrew one hand, draping it protectively over her abdomen as if shielding the child growing there from the sad knowledge that he or she had an unknown cousin somewhere, far away from them all, far away from Five Points.
“You had just married Danny that Christmas. And then you guys got the opportunity to buy the farm and you and Mother and Daddy ended up working so hard to get it in shape by the following spring.”
“So, you were pregnant when I got married in December and then you had the baby that spring?”
“That summer.”
“But how—”
“Remember when I had that bad case of mono and dropped out of school and Frankie told mother she would tutor me and take care of me in Austin?”
Robbie nodded.
“Then that summer when I was supposed to be at that Christian leadership camp for a month? Well, I didn’t ever have mono and it wasn’t a leadership camp.”
Troubled emotions flitted across Robbie’s face as she struggled to add it all up. “I remember when Frankie moved you down to her apartment. That was right before she married Kyle.”
“Yes. She finished nursing school that May,” Markie supplied.
“Right.” Robbie nodded.
“She and Kyle got married—”
“At the courthouse. You know, I think she always resented the fact that Mother and Daddy threw a huge hometown wedding for me and Danny.”
“It was Kyle’s idea to skip the wedding. They were in a big hurry to settle in and set up their first apartment in time for him to start his residency. Then I popped into the picture. It was no picnic, living with young marrieds as a pregnant teenager. Kyle wasn’t all that great about it. Poor Frankie. She was trying to help her baby sister and at the same time trying to please a very demanding young husband.”
“And now he’s a demanding old husband,” Robbie pronounced. Kyle, barely past forty, wasn’t exactly old. But Markie knew that Robbie and Danny had never cared for their uppity, sneering brother-in-law.
“Yeah. I was glad he was off on his residency rotations most of the time.”
“I can’t believe she married the guy, even if he is handsome as all get out. Was that it, Markie?” Robbie turned on her younger sister, eyes radiating sympathy. “Your big sisters were falling in love and getting married so you got in a big hurry to do the same? You always were trying to keep up with us like that.”
“No, that wasn’t it!” Markie couldn’t keep the annoyance out of her voice. “Look,” she continued more gently, “I was genuinely in love with the father of the baby. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving him.”
“Who was it?” Robbie asked softly. “If you don’t mind my asking. I mean, I don’t remem—” Robbie stopped as if a truck had slammed into her. “Oh, my gosh. It was that congressman’s son! What was his name?”
“Justin Kilgore. It’s all in there.” Which was foolish, she supposed, having the whole thing written down like that. But even with all the pain recorded in its pages, some compulsion had kept Markie from being able to part with the diary.
“Justin Kilgore.” Robbie’s soft voice was full of awe. “I don’t believe it. Justin and his father used to come into the Hungry Aggie back when I was waiting tables. I always kind of liked him. I remember how he’d always ask about you, how he always found a way to work your name into even the briefest conversation. And then when you guys started seeing each other…oh, my.” Robbie’s shoulders sank and her soft voice grew hushed. “It was partly my fault, wasn’t it? I mean, I helped you go sneaking around with an older guy.”
“Robbie. It wasn’t your fault. I was a big girl. I made my own choices.”
“I guess. But I should have told Mother what was going on. But you seemed so…so happy with him. I thought he was kind of right for you. He was so handsome, Markie. And so smart. So very nice. What a terrible ordeal.” Robbie lowered her head.
Markie lowered her head, too. As she did, she brought the diary to her lips, fighting tears. “Yes,” she whispered with her lips pressed against the dry, musty fabric, “it was.”
“Oh, my poor baby!” Robbie wrapped her arms around her sister’s shoulders. “I can’t imagine how painful it was for you.”
Markie struggled not to let herself feel it—all the emotion she had kept bottled up for eighteen long, lonely years. “It’s nothing compared to what you’re going through now.”
Robbie turned her head into Markie’s shoulder.
Markie clasped her sister’s forearm, holding on tight, afraid that what she had kept so carefully sealed away would crush them both if she let it out now.
But when Robbie started to cry, Markie knew there was no hope of holding her own tears in.
For a moment the two wept and clung in a sisterly hug.
Finally Robbie held her sister away at arm’s length. “You had a baby with Justin Kilgore.” She looked into Markie’s brimming eyes and pronounced each word slowly, as if trying to cement the fact in both their minds.
Markie swiped at her eyes and looked down at the worn floorboards. How she had hated this barren room as a young girl, especially after the warmth of her sisters was gone from it. “Yes. I just hate it that you found out this way, now of all times.”
But Robbie, who could be incredibly strong as well as kind, shook her head. She wiped at her eyes with the sash of her robe and suddenly she looked more like her old self than she had in days. “I hate it that you suffered with it alone all this time. I can’t imagine. Being so young and having a baby off in Austin, with a congressman’s son, no less.”
Another silence stretched before Markie said, “I wouldn’t say it was with him.” She glanced at Robbie to see if she comprehended.
But Robbie frowned. “What do you mean?”
“He never knew.”
“You mean he never knew that…” Robbie hesitated, and Markie imagined her sister was still struggling with the fact that she had a living, breathing nephew somewhere in Dallas. “That you gave the baby away?”
“No. He never even knew I was pregnant.”
“Mar-kie.” Robbie stared at her. “He never even knew—I don’t understand.” Robbie tilted her head, looking disturbed now, as well as perplexed. “I mean, I can see how you kept this from me, maybe, but how could you keep such a thing from the baby’s father?”
“He… I didn’t think he wanted to know. I was young. I was convinced. People—the congressman and Mother—convinced me that it would ruin Justin’s future if he knew, that there was no point in telling him if I wasn’t going to keep the baby, anyway.” Markie’s voice trailed off as she realized how weak and sorry her excuses sounded now, coming from a competent woman of thirty-five. But back then, she had been one very scared teenager. And back then, she had felt so angry, so betrayed.
“Besides…” Markie had trouble admitting this next part even to herself, much less to her sister. “He was already engaged.”
“Engaged?” This time when Robbie stared, her jaw dropped, as well. “The guy was engaged and he…he…when you were just a teenager?”
“He was only twenty-one himself.”
“Stop defending him! Apparently all that Mr. Nice Guy stuff was nothing but an act. He was busy getting you pregnant while he was engaged to another girl, Markie.”
“It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t about the sex.”
“Oh, please. Let’s call a spade a spade, okay? The guy was a creep. I mean, when did he decide to tell you about his fiancé? Right before he dumped you and went back east?”
Markie bit her lip to gain control. Robbie could be so small town, so black and white in her thinking. She of all people would never understand what had happened between the young couple. “He never did tell me, exactly. Mother found out about the engagement from his father and she was the one who told me.”
Robbie shook her head sadly. “Mother.”
Markie nodded. “Yeah.” Nothing more needed to be said on that score. “She took over my life after she found out about me and Justin and the fact that I was pregnant. She read all about it. In here.” Markie stroked the dairy in a gesture that was resigned, gentle.
Robbie’s jaw dropped in genuine shock. “That’s how she found out? By snooping around in your diary?”
Markie shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. The whole thing happened so fast. She would have discovered the truth sooner or later, anyway.”
“Oh, man. I imagine she had a cow. And there you were, all alone in this house with her.”
“I had Daddy.”
“I meant alone without us, without your sisters. Was she just awful about it?”
“You really want to know?”
Robbie swallowed, nodded. They’d tried, over the years, to share the pain their mother had inflicted, to dilute it by spreading it out before them in the light of day. But they all knew it was Markie who had suffered the most at their mother’s hand, though it was Robbie who could never seem to break free from her.
“One time I dashed outside because I had to puke. It was weird how my morning sickness never hit in the morning like it was supposed to. It hit like clockwork every day after school. I never wanted to eat dinner, but she insisted that I sit down at the table. I could feel her watching every bite. I’ll never forget it. I jumped off the porch and ran around the side of the house. The sun was going down. She came up behind me while I was retching and yanked me back by the hair.”
“Oh, Sissy.” Robbie sweet brow furrowed with sympathy. Looking at the dark circles that had appeared under her sister’s eyes since the funeral made Markie want to soften the story.
“She just fumed a lot at first. But after she talked to the congressman, she suddenly wanted me to have an abortion.”
Robbie gasped and covered her mouth.
“I’m sorry. I know that word must be hard for you to hear, especially in your condition, especially with everything else you’re going through.”
“Markie, will you stop apologizing!” Robbie turned to wrap thin fingers around her sister’s forearm. “I care about you.” She gave the arm a hearty shake. “You should have told me about this. About all of it. I don’t care if I was planning a wedding. I don’t care if we were buying that damned farm. I’m your sister and I would have helped you. What did Daddy say? Surely he didn’t want you to have an ab…to…” Robbie stumbled over the words. “To get rid of your baby.”
“He didn’t know.”
“What? I can’t believe it! I can’t believe you had a baby and kept it a secret from Daddy, from all of us, for all these years.”
“You might as well hear the whole story. Maybe you’ll understand it better then.”
They arranged themselves more comfortably in the swale of the old mattress. Around them, the boxes they had been emptying were completely forgotten.
“At first I agreed to do whatever mother wanted. She was under a lot of pressure from Congressman Kilgore. He was facing a very close election and some other troubles that I’ve now had an opportunity to research.”
Robbie frowned. “What kind of troubles?”
“A grand jury was about to indict him in a campaign-financing probe.”
Robbie nodded. “Oh, I see.”
Markie figured Robbie probably didn’t see. At the mention of anything concerning politics, her sister’s eyes had always glazed over, so she simply went on.
“Anyway, he was in no mood for this mess.” She tapped the diary. “And he didn’t want his brilliant son’s life interrupted, either. Frankie was supposed to find the doctor to perform the…you know, the procedure, in Austin. She found a good doctor, a place where I would be safe. The plan was to get it done right after your wedding. But when the time came I just… I couldn’t. I knew…”
Markie bit her lip to hold back the emotion, then forced herself to go on. “I just knew any baby of Justin’s was bound to be beautiful, exceptional, and he became…the baby became so…so real to me.” She clutched the diary, remembering the things she’d written in those pages in the early stages of her pregnancy. “So Frankie and I made up the mononucleosis dodge and then she and Kyle found the Edith Phillips adoption center in Austin.”
“But how did you keep Mother from finding out that you changed your mind? How did you hide something like that?” Again, Robbie’s hand slid to her bulging tummy. She was only five months along and her pregnancy—her fourth—was already obvious.
Markie’s older sisters had always been utterly feminine, curvy and pretty, but for Markie it had been different. She had never considered herself all that beautiful, at least not until Justin had made her feel that way. Naturally tall and athletic, with angular shoulders and long legs, she had managed to conceal her pregnancy behind the camouflage of sloppy sweatpants and oversize letter jackets. Her plain brown ponytail, thick glasses and pale, unadorned complexion made it easy enough not to attract male attention in a high school filled with perky little blondes in skimpy pom-pom outfits.
“I think Mother made some kind of deal with the congressman. Supposedly she got money for my college education. I never saw much of it, I’ll tell you that.” Markie tried not to be bitter.
Her current life, the life of a successful political consultant with tons of friends, was enormously satisfying. But when she came back to Five Points the memories always surfaced afresh, and it was hard to look at her life objectively.
“How could Mother keep something like that from Daddy?”
“You have to ask? How does Mother do anything she’s determined to do? Listen—” suddenly Markie’s tone was urgent “—don’t stay here with her.”
“What?”
“Don’t move in with mother. She’ll only make your life miserable, bossing you around, manipulating your feelings. And you don’t need that now, not when you’re so vulnerable.”
“But… I can’t stay way out there on that big farm by myself. I’ll need someone to help me when the baby comes.”
“I’ll move out to the farm with you. I do most of my work on the phone and on the Internet this time of the year, anyway. And Five Points will be the locus of Doug Curry’s campaign. It’s in the center of his district.”
“Oh, man, I just realized something. Curry’s running against Congressman Kilgore. Are you sure you’re not working for this guy out of some kind of old spite? I mean, to get even or something? And isn’t it going to be hard for you to face the congressman, after all that’s happened?”
“Now, hold on just a minute.” Markie aimed a finger at her sister’s nose, then quickly squelched the gesture. She wanted to be gentle with Robbie, she really did, considering what Robbie had only recently endured, considering what lay ahead. It wasn’t Robbie’s fault Markie had made a mess of her life so long ago.
“For one thing, Congressman Kilgore doesn’t know what I really did about the baby. Nobody does, except for Frankie and Kyle, and I doubt Mr. Big Shot Surgeon has ever given it a second thought.” She ducked her head to meet her sister’s eyes. “And now that you know the truth, I can trust you to keep it to yourself, right?”
“Of course,” Robbie murmured. “Who on earth would I tell?”
What was left unsaid was that the one person in all the world Robbie might tell was recently dead. Markie could see that’s what her sister was thinking. She looked haunted, pained, the way she had looked almost constantly for these past few days.
And watching that expression overtake Robbie’s face again gave Markie a sick wave of guilt. She looked away. Here was her sister, coping with the loss of a husband, with the possible loss of her farm, and she’s berating the girl about keeping her own deep dark secret. Robbie, of course, couldn’t possibly understand the stakes, couldn’t possible know what Markie had discovered only a few days ago.
Brandon Smith. For one instant Markie relived the shock of seeing his picture among the applications, the shock of hearing his voice—so like his father’s—on the phone. Every campaign season she chose a protégé, a young go-getter to work alongside her in a congressional or senate race and learn the ropes. Every season, the competition for the internship got stronger. Applications poured in to McBride Consulting from all over Texas.
Markie patted Robbie’s hand. “Of course you won’t tell anyone. But please don’t go thinking I’ve got some kind of ax to grind with the congressman. I didn’t seek out his opponent or anything like that. Curry’s campaign contacted me. Because I’m the best, remember?” She nudged her sister and got a faint smile.
“And I firmly agree with Doug Curry’s positions on the issues. He’s going to do a great job in Washington. Old man Kilgore thinks he’s got this race all sewn up. He’ll make a few scattered appearances around the Hill Country and maybe he’ll even show his face once or twice in Five Points. In the mean time, we’ll be slowly and surely kicking his ass.”
At least Markie hoped that’s the way this summer would go. Not only for Doug Curry’s sake, but for her own. And for Brandon’s? She bit her lip as she pressed the diary to her middle, wishing she could see her son. Would that be worth the price? No. She already knew she would do what she had to do. The safe thing. Always protecting herself. She’d done it so long she didn’t know how to stop.
“So what do you say?” She affected an upbeat attitude, nudging Robbie again. “I can make Five Points Curry’s campaign base if I want to. Like I said, it’s smack in the middle of the district. I can stay with you out on the farm. Help with the bills and groceries and stuff. That way you can stay in your own home and keep the boys away from…” She rolled her eyes in the direction of the stairs at the end of the hallway. “You Know Who. And by the time this little darling arrives—” she gave her sister’s pregnant abdomen a soft pat, as if everything would be hunky-dory when that blessed event happened “—the election will be over and I can concentrate on taking care of you and the baby.”
“I don’t know,” Robbie frowned. “That’s a lot to ask of you. Maybe I should just stick to the plan and move in here.”
“What else has your spinster sister got to do?” Markie tried to kid her, then grew serious again. “Mother would suck the heart and soul out of you within a week and you know it.”
The sisters fell silent. Both of them knew the situation to be just so. Their mother was the most controlling woman in all of Five Points, in all of Keaton County, possibly in all of the state of Texas.
And somewhere below them inside the quiet walls of this picturesque Victorian-era farmhouse, the most controlling woman in all of Texas was seething, waiting. Waiting to pounce on her daughter Markie for daring to rebel yet again. Waiting to reexert control over the one thing she had always controlled more easily than any other—her daughter Robbie.
CHAPTER THREE
I promise you one thing, my little one, I will do everything in my power to see that your life is safe and happy. Even if that means giving you up—no. I don’t want to think about that right now. Not yet. I want to think happy thoughts because if I don’t, I’ll cry.
And if Mother catches me crying again, she’ll get suspicious for sure. Not that she isn’t already. When she reads what I just wrote on these pages, all hell will break loose.
(And you are reading this, aren’t you, Mother???)
P.S. I don’t care what you do. There’s nothing you can do to me anymore. I have my baby to think about now.
Back to you, sweet baby. You know how much I love you, my sweet, sweet baby. Hey! Was that you? Did you just give me a little tiny kick? Awesome! Truly, truly awesome!!!
Man. I can’t wait to see you!
You will be a beautiful baby, I bet. How could Justin be the father of any other kind? You will have his perfect, wavy dark hair. His dark brown eyes. Maybe even tiny baby muscles that are shaped like his gorgeous big ones.
I guess I can’t think about your daddy, either, sweet baby. Because that makes me want to cry, too.
Oh, Diary! Why did he leave me? Wasn’t I good enough for him? Didn’t he understand how much I love him? I gotta go now. Because now I am starting to cry again.