Feel yourself like at home

Naturally, as a supplement to the basic subjects, these teachers arranged various clubs and diverse activities to apply their creative ideas and efforts and to implement own flooding energy into the life of their young students. Again and again, let me emphasize the fact that many such clubs were never created in more ordinary schools, even those located close by. For instance, the mathematics teacher led a hobby group for studying etiquette and good manners during couple years. Why did she choose such an extraordinarily subject? It would not be of great wonder if one knew that she herself was a representative of a very old Russian noble family, and by husband’s line she is a descendant of the Princes Yakushkins, engraved their names in history of the Tsarist Russia. However, frankly, I was the only male member of this group among its other, more beautiful participants. As usual everywhere in the world, girls were more eager to learn about etiquette and politeness, than rather rough and mischievous boys.

Never will I be tired of repeating that I am a lucky guy because I have had so wonderful teachers and mentors almost through all my life. And how many of them I still hope to meet in the forthcoming future!

Most of them, my secondary school teachers, in spite of their different ethnic origins (which, again, was not usual for many other schools of any Soviet periphery), tried to foster an interest to our own, Turkmen cultural roots, simultaneously with general education. My addiction to ethnographic aspects of life, my eagerness to plunge into mentalities and behavior of different nations was cultivated since those years and thanks to their efforts.

Nevertheless, the main direction of this educational system, which was aimed to study the life of the “entity addressed as the Soviet people”, influenced further development of individual students.

Therefore, upon the graduation from the secondary school I knew Russian language fluently, I was quite well familiar with the Russian culture, and with different styles of interpersonal relationships of the Slavic people. At the same time, I could only very weakly sort out mentality aspects of my own ethnic group, the Turkmens. Fortunately, at the same time I was striving for finding out more aspects of these traditions by myself.

Then, I was very lucky, let me repeat and emphasize once again, that simultaneously I was trained for self-educating and for keenness to investigate more aspects of folk traditions and rituals independently via books (if could find such books, though) and through informal chatting with the elders—the bearers of the culture hidden from an outside glance. Also fortunately, I was capable for further analyses of observations heard and seen by me. Step by step, I discovered and gradually revealed hidden details of everyday communications, of the behavior of my countrymen among themselves and toward those who were outsiders to our traditions. And now I would like to invite you, my honorable reader, to follow me in opening some habits and traditions of the Oriental nation that are concealed from common foreign visitors, even if they are eager to learn about the behavior of our people.

What to begin with?

Of course, I had a general understanding and knowledge of few elementary greetings like “Salam”, “Salam aleykum”, “Es-salam aleykum” and, in return, “Aleykum salam”. But what about anything else?

Thus, it looks like a proper time to make a recurrent digression titled “Two in one” here: as indicated above, when I was in school, I have diligently studied the Russian culture and mentality according to the curriculum used throughout the whole former Soviet Union. However, I was little more aware about my people, the Turkmens, and their tribes than a common town boy, and much less than an ordinary rural teenager.

Luckily, thanks to a “wild” profession (my main background is a wildlife biologist), I have spent the most part of my further life in the wilderness, pretty far from the urban civilization. Consequently, I almost always have interacted with the inhabitants of remote areas, from big villages to quite tiny settlements of three to five houses.

I am emphasizing this matter because the local people living in those territories are not yet spoiled by the challenges of urbanization, and still keep rapidly vanishing folk mentalities and inward culture almost untouched. Any person eager to learn the inner world of the Turkmens should go there as well, to look for that particle of the wisdom that comes from the depths of the centuries.

On the other hand, one should take into account that the Turkmens are not a uniform nation, yet. They are divided into big and small tribes and associations. Surely, there are relationships and traditions across these tribes that have enriched each other. But simultaneously, differences in the appearances and traditional behavior are clearly visible to an experienced eye.

Therefore, an observer needs to keep in mind to be more flexible and attentive to any advice given even by knowledgeable carriers of folk traditions, because observations made in a Northern velayats[6] might diverge from the ones made in Southern ones.

For instance, how could I myself, a representative of the Ersary tribe that lives primarily in the Lebap velayt, at the northeast of the country, behave properly living, as I do, at the southernmost point of Turkmenistan, if I did not use creativity in greetings?

Gradually (though slower than I would wish) the large integral picture began to reveal its secrets to a town-bred boy who I was at that period. Simple at a first superficial glance styles of “salam” (“salamlashmak” means “to greet each other”) appeared to be a rather complicated and, at the same time, flexible delicate system that had to be handled delicately and carefully.

As an introduction, let me say that, since the olden times, basic rules have been developed by the Turkmens (only a few of them would be mentioned here):

Who should greet the other person first?

A standing person greeting a sitting one;

A passerby greeting one who is doing a physical work (often, even if the former is older than the latter);

One who rides a horse greeting one who walks;

Obligatory, a younger person greeting an older one;

A host greeting a guest.

Nevertheless, there is no rule without exceptions. It is expected of a truly polite person to be able to greet properly and, what is not less important, to give relevant answers respectfully while being greeted. Otherwise, a man may face an unpleasant situation when only few people would greet him as they meet.

Again, for a more vivid Illustration I would “call to assist” another one of my numerous neighbors. I have some personal reasons not to pay tribute to him, currently quite an elderly man. Fortunately, I am a pretty good and attentive observer, and usually I notice his approaching from a far distance. Then, often it is enough to step aside or to make a face of “one deep in thoughts”, and thus letting him to pass away like one “unseen by me, and left without a salam”. However, when once I was weeding the vegetable patches at our front garden, suddenly, as I straightened up, I met his gaze face to the face. Without any sound I returned to work and buried my nose into the tomato bushes. He growled up at once: “You have to say salaam to an elder one, silly boy”. It was a doubly offending remark, keeping in mind that I myself was not young, and had my own teen kids.

Frankly, I succeeded to suppress my irritation, and did not snarl back but merely stared gloomily. Nevertheless, in couple of days at one of the frequent community events I described the situation to the others, emphasizing my unwillingness to interact with the neighbor. I was seeking an advice from other yashuli[7] – how to behave when we meet next time. Suddenly, I found that I would not be alone in my attitude to that man. A youngster, one of a group which stood nearby and heard my words, broke into the conversation of the elders (a manner by itself a little bit surprising) and exclaimed: “Hey, he never replies. Do we need to pay attention to him?”

Obviously, a classical saying, “treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself”, never and under no circumstances has lost its significance.

Naturally, a direct reprimand may cause a reciprocal resentment and an unwillingness to behave as “advised”. That is why in a Turkmen community a world-wise and experienced adult frequently uses indirect hints prompting a youngster to pay an attention that something might be wrong in his or her behavior.

Here is an example of applying this method. If in a Turkmen community a much elder man would greet a much younger first, this might be considered a joke or a reproach. Even if the greeting would be made not angrily but quite politely made, it would be seen as a biting irony.

On the other hand, if a youngster is recognized as an outstanding personality – for bravery, for intelligence, or just returning to the community after a long absence, – such address would be an expression of a special regard. However, even in this case, it would be proper for a younger person to greet an elder first.

Let me repeat once again that sluggishness with a greeting might cause a sharp remark, emphasizing that someone erred in such an important sphere of a communication as greetings.

How would such an indirect hint work?

For a better understanding of the issue, I am pleased to introduce a favorite of mine, Guldjemal by name, a daughter of my neighbor couple Takhir and Djemile with whom we are long-time friends. Formerly, she often used to forget to say “salam” or even did not notice a somewhat gloomy neighbor while running across nearby due to a girlish absent-mindedness. A teen is a teen, especially a shy girl. Whether she was too much concentrated on her inward thoughts or had been absent-minded, the result was the same: she just missed greeting an old (in both senses, direct and figurative) acquaintance.

That is why one day I stopped her, as she was hurrying by, stretching both hands out for a handshake and firing rapid questions: “Salam aleykum! How are you, how is your father? Are your kids in good health? What’s about cattle?”.

Here I should hasten to shake away some possible bewilderment of a reader: why did I ask such a row of questions? I will explain further about this special greeting style called “Anyrsyny byarisini sorap salam bermek” (“to greet by cross-questioning”).

Good for her, Guldjemal learned the lesson momentarily, at once and forever – over a decade that passed since this brief interaction, she never missed to let me hear her tender voice “Salam, Gochmyrat-aga[8]!” during every next meeting.

Naturally, that is a matter of good breeding by one’s parents and there would be a space for an opposite illustration when the method was not effective at all. When about at the same time I tried the trick on my own nephew, the only reaction that I could get from him was a lopsided smile for a beginning and nothing further.

“Let you not be tired…» (or while working)

A different form of a greeting is used depending on situation.

The following case is kept in the depths of my memory in bright colors since my serene childhood, for a few decades already. Then, I was seriously confused and embarrassed by my own lack of knowledge of the elementary politeness. On the other hand, what else would be expected from a town lad, who has encountered such a form of a greeting for the first time in his life?

In addition, one should know that this greeting could vary according to a real situation.

My father was born in a tiny village Sandy-Kachi of the Mary Velayat, Turkmenistan. He has left the place to study in an agricultural college and did not come back, moving from one job place to another wherever a veterinarian should be sent by the state administration. My uncle, his older and the only brother, continued to live there for a long time, till end of 90s. For me, a teenager, spending vacations there it was like a journey to a wonderland – the Murgab River, surrounding hills, sheep grazing, and the formerly famous fruit gardens.

It was so interesting and romantic to go somewhere very early in the morning far toward the apricot gardens on a squeaking cart drawn by a slim-legged, tireless donkey. We worked for a full day there, busy with chores – every gardener knows how much should be done in time to maintain his fruit trees and to get a good harvest. Besides, it was not less enjoyable to come back when getting dark, stretched on a load of a grass for the cattle kept near my cousins’ home. Usually my cousins had to feed the animals before starting our own dinner.

By the way: again, that is a wisdom coming from the old times – an older person teaches a younger one to take care of their domestic animals prior to taking care of himself. It iso easy to understand this practice – if you eat yourself first, you might forget that your cattle is hungry; or if you would relax it will be more difficult to return to physical work soon afterwards..

This habit also works in other cases. For instance, while I was leading a group as an instructor for outdoor tourism I could not sit down myself to relax until every member of the team would find his proper place for camping, wood fires were arranged, and water for the tea was boiled.

Returning to our narrative: but what was it that confused me?

Well, there were many people worked diligently in those gardens, not only us. And all those, without an exception, with whom we interacted during long summer day, would always say a word incomprehensible for me: “Arma!”. And only after that they would add “Salam aleykum”, and continue the conversation if and when they could have a few free minutes for a short rest. At first, I nodded silently while busying myself with what chores I had, and did not pay attention to a small pause – as if the person who spoke to my cousins would expect something from me, too. It appeared that I had to respond by some word or a whole phrase. After several awkward pauses I decided to be smart and to return “Arma” to the next visitor by saying the same word. A confusion again!

My older cousin, exchanging condescending smiles (“What might you expect from city boy!”), undertook the initiative himself and answered “Barma”(!?).

Over three decades of time went over those gardens since, and most of the orchards were cut down due to an old age of the fruit trees. However, now I never forget to greet one with an “Arma!” if I pass a person is doing a difficult physical job. It does not matter if is he an acquaintance or a stranger.

This form of a greeting is used as an encouragement for intellectual work, as well, like wishing a success in one’s contemplations, or as a form of a friendly egging-on.

In the present days, “Arma” or “Armaveree” obtained a meaning “Don’t be tired!” or “Be tireless!” (in old times it was meant as “Help you God!”). And the exclamation “Barma”, or “Barbol” in return will mean “The same to you”. After that, you may add “Thank you for wishing!”. And only then a smooth passage will be accomplished to the generally accepted greeting “Salam valeykim” and the answer “Valeykim salam”.

Meanwhile, the case described above became for me the first intermediate, even if an important one, milestone in the process of discovering and investigating more closely different interpersonal relationships, behavioral reactions and interactions between my own people, – the process which still continues.

At an age well over thirty years, I noticed one aspect, which slipped away of my attention until that moment:

The greeting “Arma” is used frequently in the situations when a person is busy with his regular routine chores. It appeared that in a case when somebody would engage in a job that required sound physical effort during a long time, another form of distinctive greeting would be used. For instance, if a foundation is being built for a new house, or an irrigational ditch is being dug, or a bridge repair is been started, a competent person will always wish: “Ishler illeri”. However, I am not able to clarify the exact meaning of this saying, since I did not dig up the roots of its origin. If I understand it right, a sense of it is “Let your labor be finished soon.”

Now, prior to mention another important wish (and a kind of a greeting in a specific case) of Turkmen, let me to make two small digressions.

I have to introduce two residents of our town, linked with each other by family (I emphasize – family!) bonds, Mered and Kurban by names, both over fifty years old..

Also I would remind the reader about a classical saying, which became a cliché: “a man in his life ought to fulfill three tasks: to build a home, to have a son, and to plant a tree”.

So, after some quite difficult years, Mered has finally finished building and remodeling a house in the Poltavka village near own town. Besides, he implemented some designer ideas which were not common at the provincial areas. I am a brother and a cousin to them both Mered and Kurban, and that is why at the time I often visited Mered to have a tea with him. At my next visit, the host started, with some surprise and sadness, to tell me about Kurban’s first visit to his new home.

Already at his second sentence I started to smile and then even began to laugh because I guessed at once what I would hear next. I know Kurban’s personality so well that I can predict what and in which situation he could say.

I will continue my story reciting, nearly word-by-word, my dialogue with Mered that took place in his study, featuring a TV set half wall-wide:

“You know, I showed him the entire new home, opening doors into every room. You did not yet see those rooms, you just came and sat down here without further moving.”

Just then I could not suppress smiling and then burst out laughing immediately upon hearing a continuation and seeing that expression of Mered’s face which would be impossible to describe in words – a mixture of a bewilderment, light injury and, at the same time, some bitter humor.

“And then he [Kurban] said suddenly: ‘Two men at Poltavka, they just finished building their houses, and then hung themselves’” (!?).

Here Mered glanced at me and asked: “What’s so funny?”

“Hey, I know in advance what he could say. Kurban just is not able to be glad for the of success of another person.”

So what was the trick?

It is appropriate among the Turkmen to wish “nesip etsin” “(“let it bring goodness for you”) in such cases as a building of a house, a car purchase, or another significant acquisition.

Formally, Kurban was right; indeed at the Poltavka village two men committed suicides after moving to newly built houses. Whether he had to mention them to Mered at the latter’s new house, let it be solely up to Kurban’s conscience.

Then, I would not hide that at the moment I felt myself some awkwardness: “Didn’t I myself forget to make an appropriate wish? It is quite possible, with my absent-mindlessness”

Possibly, I did say something otherwise Mered would not fail to sting, would he? At once I recalled that just while entering his yard through the gate of a yard, a hearty “Berekella!” (“good of you” or “bravo”) burst out from my lips.

It happened that I did not visit Mered for a friendly chat for several months, and that is why I witnessed neither a start of the construction, nor a result of it. After my first exclamation I went on with my habitual saying “bizede yetirsin!” (“let the same will be sent to us, too!”), and also added sincerely “il bir yashasyn!” (“let somebody have successful life”, which, indirectly, also means “since I did not… “)

Before concluding this section, I must note that “Armaveree” has its own underlying philosophical context. To give an illustration, I recall how many years ago I was left with two teen sons without a stable income, nearly without a home, and with no perspective for life improvement. At that period, people often wished me “Arma!”, and always added “Gayrat et!” (“Courage to you!”).

“The more you live the more you know…»

I will now relate an observation I made fifteen years after graduating from school, at a sad event at the funeral of the grandmother of my future ex-wife (excuse me for this expression but currently this is the most exact way I can refer to her). Due to a combination of the circumstances (the gloomy atmosphere of the funeral meal, and my very first introduction to the new relatives, which by itself created a serious stress for me) I was totally lost thinking whom to greet first and whom at second turn, whether I should I shake hands, whether I should take a seat in a corner or join the helpers, and so on.

Perplexed, I decided simply to follow my father-in-law and to repeat what he would do. Later, of course, naturally not to get further confused, I enhanced my knowledge purposedly and practiced behavioral skills at other crowded meetings.

It appeared that at Turkmen community events, when you need to greet the guests who came earlier than you, you should proceed directly to most respected yashuli, or a man of similar status (a community leader, the oldest relative, a head of the administration). The best way (frankly, the only way) is to exchange a couple of warm words with this man while shaking hands and then to pass to the others, doing the same with everyone, going counterclockwise.

Handshaking styles

A common handshake, such a simple gesture at first sight, will sparkle with special colors and shades under a more attentive glance.

First, please, remember: your hand clasp should be vigorous, involving all fingers. Unfortunately, I have to emphasize this because several years ago some spoiled city chaps “invented” a weird handshake – they just inserted a couple of fingers (or merely one!) into a palm of a newcomer and slightly bent them, instead of shaking the hand of a person who greets them. Luckily the manner did not take root, and rapidly disappeared even among the teens. Very rarely, but you may still meet this manner today. Don’t follow it, please!

Among the Turkmens, one always must shake hands at greeting, using the right hand shaking right hand. Although, if you have a trauma, and your right palm is bandaged, you may either use the left hand, or present your right elbow for other person’s handclasp.

A younger person should greet a senior person with both hands. Also, I ought to emphasize that the handshake with both hands is a sign of special respect and, moreover, of an honor towards the greeted person. Additionally, the host would extend both hands for a handshake to welcome a long-expected and favored family guest.

However, I would like to mention here quite a specific aspect, again related to handshaking as the main method of a Turkmen greeting. Perhaps, a stranger would not pay any special attention to subtle hints indicating courteous rudeness. I am using such hints myself more often than I would wish. An unaccustomed person could be deceived by them buying ones as a proper welcoming procedure. Where at and what is a difference?

To clarify the matter: if someone dislikes (or even disdains) another person, he might say “Salam” very warmly, but then would try to avoid touching this person’s hand. It will be a reason for the latter to evaluate the true attitude of the former.

More examples? Here we go!

An illustration from the living experience, again.

I have many cousins and second cousins. Toward one of them, who is ten years older, I have, let me say, mixed feelings. If the tradition is followed, as a younger man, I ought to greet him first, immediately upon his arrival to our home for a stay. Luckily, he lives with his family far from our town, and visits us quite rarely, only for special family events. Knowing my opinion about him, well in advance of their announced visit, my mother starts warning me again and again: “Behave properly, be polite! He is a guest, meet him outside and greet in a required way”.

Surely, I had (and still have!) at my disposal a full set of nonverbal methods to demonstrate my true opinion toward him: to avoid a handshaking, to bend my fingers without clasping his palm, slightly wetting my own palm just before the handshaking, and so on.