The Restless Sea

‘Line up the sight like you usually do,’ he says. She drops her head. Looks along the top of the barrel. Adjusts the position until the marker sits between its dip.

‘Fire when you’re ready. But only if and when you’re a hundred per cent ready, with a clear, true shot.’

She pulls the trigger and there’s a zipping noise and the rifle kicks back against her shoulder. Charlie gets to his knees, squinting at the target: there is a neat hole ripped just on the edge of the bull’s-eye.

‘Looks like you’d give my gunner a run for his money,’ says Charlie. Olivia grins. ‘Seriously, though.’ Charlie’s brow furrows, and he sits back on his heels so he can look at her properly. ‘This could be useful if things get sticky.’

‘I don’t think I could shoot someone, if that’s what you mean,’ she says. ‘Not even a Nazi.’

‘I hope it won’t come to that, but you might get short of food. It sounds ridiculous now it’s summer, but once winter comes again I think rationing will really bite …’

‘We’re stocking up. We’ve been pickling and bottling like mad.’

‘But there are many more people living here at the moment – and you’ll need fresh meat once it’s too cold to fish. Get Mac to show you which deer need taking, and you’ll have fresh venison.’

‘Mac’s given all that up.’

‘He may have to change his mind.’

She sits up too, dusting the soil from her elbows. ‘Do you really think things are going to get that bad?’ she asks.

‘I’m sure they will. The Germans are in the north of France. They’re in the Channel Islands, for God’s sake. It’s only a matter of time before they strike.’

‘Sometimes it’s hard to believe that anything will happen. All we’ve had here are a couple of ineffective mines and some fly-pasts. You know, Mother said she’d heard it called the “phoney war” in London.’

The colour drains from Charlie’s face. ‘Is that what you think?’ he asks.

‘No,’ she says. ‘I suppose I’ve been lucky, that’s all …’ Olivia is startled by the sudden change. His eyes have clouded to a turbulent green. His whole body is tense. He starts to walk away.

‘Charlie …’ she calls out after him. He doesn’t turn to look at her, just carries on walking, his back straight, his hands gripping the rifle, knuckles white. She has to jog to catch up. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she says. ‘I know you’ve had a terrible time …’

‘You don’t know anything,’ he says. ‘You’re just a child.’

‘Then tell me?’ she says. She rests her hand gently in the crook of his elbow. He slows a little, and then sits on a fallen tree. Olivia sits next to him. The bark is old and spongy, crumbling a little beneath their weight.

‘I couldn’t,’ he says. ‘It’s not the kind of thing a girl like you should hear.’

Olivia leans against him, and he puts out his hand and she holds it in hers. ‘I’m here if you want to,’ she says quietly. They sit in silence for a long time, while the branches of the trees creak and rub above them.

A week’s leave is over quickly. Charlie has shown her his favourite spots. He has taught her how to build a small fire on the beach to cook her catch on, finding the driest leaves and hearing them crackle as they catch and burn. He has taken her up to the string of freshwater lochs, and to the places where the golden eagles glide on thermals high above the hills. The osprey nest was not used this year – possibly because of all the commotion around the loch, but it meant they could get a bit closer to examine the great heap of twigs and branches. Sometimes, in the evenings up at Taigh Mor, she catches him staring at nothing and glimpses that darkness or hardness again in his eyes. But she doesn’t pry.

She tries to be cheerful on his last day, but she knows she will miss having him around. His case is packed and he is getting a lift to Inverness with some of the other returning sailors. ‘Thank you,’ he says, taking her hands in his.

‘For what?’

‘I’ve had the best leave ever. Like one of the summers of my childhood. Swimming. Shooting. Fishing. Heaven.’

‘Do you know where you’re going next?’

He shakes his head. ‘But I do know I’ll be back as soon as I can next get leave.’

She kisses him on the cheek. ‘Be careful, won’t you?’ she says.

‘You’ll write?’

She nods. ‘Of course,’ she says.

‘In that case, I can do anything.’ He stands up straight, smoothing his sleeves down, every part the young officer. The light bounces off the stripes on his sleeves, but the cap throws his face into darkness.

With autumn comes terrible news from down south as the Luftwaffe begin to attack London and beyond, night after night. The RAF struggles to keep them at bay. Returning home is out of the question. Mother tries to keep her tone light on the telephone, but Olivia can hear the buzz of exhaustion beneath. Stoke Hall is so close to the coast, there could easily be a stray bomb – or even an intentional one. There was a furore recently when two parachutists were seen landing in the Fir Wood, but the soldiers who are now camped out in the gardens went to investigate and found the two German airmen dead. The thought of those two dead men – German or not – dangling among the dark and spiky conifers, puts her own inconveniences to shame. She stops moaning about the security checkpoints that have sprung up at all the roads coming into or leaving the area – Gairloch, Achnasheen, Inverness. There is even one at Laide, near Mrs Campbell’s shop, where Olivia is sent to stock up on tea for Aunt Nancy, which the shopkeeper marks neatly in their ration books. And now more ships begin to arrive at the loch – this time a hotchpotch of merchant ships, refuelling before setting off on their long and treacherous journeys across the ocean. Sailors and soldiers begin to outnumber locals significantly.

The news from Charlie is intermittent. It seems he does not have time to write, and each long stretch without a letter is accompanied by a fear that there will be never be another one. But Aunt Nancy tells her not to worry, making a passing reference to Fleet Air Arm pilots helping the RAF over London. ‘Charlie will be fine. He’s extremely accomplished. You just keep writing. Give him something to look forward to,’ she says.

As the nights draw in and winter approaches, the fish supplies dwindle. Olivia thinks it is time to take Charlie’s advice. ‘I’m too old to take you up there, lassie,’ says Mac, pointing at his creaking knees and swollen knuckles. But Olivia soon works him around.

Mac is impressed by Olivia’s marksmanship and her quiet respect. They walk and climb and inch for miles up into the hills that turn from purple to gold and russet through the autumn. Olivia learns how to throw a piece of torn heather into the air to determine which way the wind is blowing. She learns how to track, and how to avoid a herd. She learns their habits, where they like to shelter, where to eat. She learns how to use a spyglass without it catching the light. She learns how the fog distorts sound and distance. She knows when a mist will settle and when it will clear. Together they crawl and creep for hours, above the clouds, across peat bogs and through the heather, and over boulders and up glens, only to turn back if the stag is too fine. Mac teaches her to hunt the frail, as well as poor quality and weaker beasts. Thistle, the old stalking pony, is brought back into service. Olivia slowly gains the pony’s trust, and when she shoots her first stag and Mac grallochs it, she learns the fine art of balancing a stag across the pony’s stalking saddle. Mac hangs the beast in the large, cold game larder. He butchers it himself, swift and deft despite his arthritis.

The Macs have a sailor billeted with them, a steward who has never tried venison before, but is keen to sample anything that hasn’t been salted or dried or stewed within an inch of its life. He chews on the meat thoughtfully, nodding his head and licking his lips. ‘I think this would go down well in our messes,’ he says. ‘Could we buy some? Our men are always clamouring for fresh meat.’

The idea snowballs. Word spreads around the ships, and Olivia is soon inundated with orders, from sailors, soldiers, and Wrens. She is worried about what Aunt Nancy will say, but her aunt is thrilled that she is showing initiative. ‘And Clarkson could do with some decent meat to serve to the officers we have billeted here,’ she says. She even takes the time to show Olivia how to write the orders in a ledger and keep a note of the money coming in and going out. It is the longest amount of time she has spent with Olivia since she arrived. ‘Watch those men,’ she says. ‘Don’t think they won’t try for a bargain just because you’re a girl.’ But Olivia is as canny as anyone, and she turns it to her advantage. She finds the men are keen to talk, and even keener for a smile. Many of them have been away at sea for weeks and miss female company.

Mac is delighted: he gets a cut, and Olivia starts to offer his eggs and milk too. They turn more of the garden over to growing vegetables. Other locals offer what they can: last year’s jam; Ben Munro’s apples; Mrs McLellan’s chutney. Mrs Campbell comes in on the business, always happy to receive more supplies for her store – particularly when the roads are blocked with snow and she is running low. Olivia learns how to drive Aunt Nancy’s ancient Austin and, each week, she transports whatever she hasn’t sold directly to the ships to Mrs Campbell’s shop. By late autumn, they even have a buyer from Edinburgh, who bumps along the single track road from the city once a week to collect venison or lobsters for his restaurant.

It is deep winter, and fresh meat stocks are running low again. The stag-hunting season is over, but there are plenty of hinds to be taken. Olivia is up and out of the house before dawn breaks across the loch. There is no need for a torch: the snow that settled overnight has turned the world luminous. Something crackles away into the undergrowth, startled by the crunch of her feet on the path, in turn setting a bird fluttering and flapping through the branches above. Then silence again. A world muffled by snow. Beyond the trees, the loch: grey and silent as the ships packed with sleeping men. She has grown to love this time in the morning, the only time there is true peace and quiet these days. The roads are empty once again and she can slip into the hills unnoticed.

Her pass and gas mask and ID card are gathering dust on the dressing table in her bedroom. She has no need of them; she knows how to get past the checkpoints and guards, crossing between Gairloch and Poolewe undetected by following the low road along the shoreline like the other locals. And there are no checkpoints up in the hills. No one would be foolish enough to cross them without local knowledge.

The hills are where she is headed now. She cannot see them, but she can sense them looming in the darkness ahead, steady and solid, unmoving and unmoved by the world’s turmoil. By the time she gets to the farm, the sky is beginning to glow aquamarine as dawn breaks. The tack room is empty. A faint orange glow of embers breathes among the ash as she opens the door to retrieve Thistle’s saddle. The pony comes straight to her now, letting her slip on his head collar without a fuss. She adjusts the stalking saddle, holds her hands under the pony’s mane, where he is warmest, and presses her face against his shaggy grey fur, breathing in the horsey smell.

She leads him out over the cobbles. The snow is dirty here, trampled with mud and grit. The pony snorts, clearing his nostrils into the chilly air. His bright dark eyes peer out at her from beneath his ragged forelock. She glances down at herself, pleased at how her camouflage has turned out. She has butchered her aunt’s debutante dress, sewing it into a new outfit that covers her clothes so she is white all over. Underneath she has on her woollen jumper and the flannel trousers and knee-length socks that she always wears to keep herself warm. She has used the arm of an old fur coat to make a cosy scarf for her neck. The rifle sits cold and heavy across her back as they trudge away from the farm.

Now it is morning. The loch is a mirror far below. The snowy peaks, jagged and bright, reflected in its surface. Down nearer the shore, the trees stand out against the white, the prickly and black conifers, and the twiggy and twisted leafless winter trees. The shoreline is a smudge of orange, just beginning to show beneath the melting snow. From here, the loch is so large and shining that it is easy to misread the size of the ships that lie on its surface.

The hills sweep up out of the ground ahead of her, their tops still wreathed in cloud. But the sky is blue, the heavy snow clouds have moved on, and it will be a fine day. She follows the burn, a glimmering crack, the water sparkling like a necklace of diamonds among the softer white of the fresh-fallen snow. By the time she reaches the rowan pool, she has worked up quite a warmth. The rowan tree is hung with frosted particles like sugar icing. The only sound is the beat of tiny wings as some snow buntings fly up, white like rising snowflakes, apart from the flash of black on their wings.

She leaves Thistle by the tree, tied to a boulder. He is also well camouflaged: only the tips of his grey tail and his unruly mane – and his knobbly knees – standing out. His neat little black hooves are hidden, sunk into the snow. She sets to work in the silence, her brow furrowed in concentration. She reads the tracks: the delicate Ys of the birds busily criss-crossing all over the place; the long oval shapes of a hare; the solid shuffle of a grouse; the stealthy holes of a fox. The snow is yellow in places where an animal has peed. There are dark holes where rabbit droppings have steamed through to the ground.

She has to be careful. The snow has drifted deeply in places, hiding crevices and cracks in the ground. She comes across the multiple tracks of deer not much further up. They have sheltered in the lee of the hill, where the boulders make a natural cave. The wind seems to have shifted, possibly because of the lie of the peaks above her. There is less snow on the ground, more for the deer to eat. She creeps forward. Peers beyond the next boulder. She cannot see the herd – but she can see a stag. Either the hinds are around the corner, or they have scarpered and this is a lone male. She crouches, inching forward on hands and knees to get a better look. The stag is about four hundred yards away from her, in a dip across a narrow part of the burn. Still no sign of any hinds. Her rock is slippery. She moves carefully, hoping she won’t cause a vibration that dumps the snow above on top of her.

The stag snuffles at the ground. Suddenly it lifts its head. Its nostrils dilate. Olivia stops and drops flat, her cheek scratching against the hard crust of snow. She slowly lifts her head. The stag is staring at something she cannot see, in the opposite direction. He is magnificent: all muscle and searching eyes and flared nostrils. His ears swivel. His neck is thick and shaggy. There is the black scar down his flank. He flicks his tail. The tips of his nostrils move, in and out, twitching, smelling, searching for whatever it is he thinks he’s heard.

As the stag turns and springs away, a loud crack whips out across the snow and Olivia sees the animal stumble awkwardly as if he has been hit, but then his feet find the ground and he is off like the wind across the hillside and down the pass and deep into the crags and contours of endless wilderness.

Olivia’s heart races with him. For a moment her mind is blank, and then she wonders who else could be up here in the snow and the wind? And who would go for a stag at this time of year? Or a stag like that at any time of year?

She doesn’t dare move. She doesn’t want anyone to spot her. She strains to see anything against the glare. And then she spots something: a figure wading through the snow, dark against the sparkling crust. Olivia presses herself as flat as possible down on the rock. She wants to see who it is, but she can’t. They are still too far away.

The figure draws slowly closer, hampered by snow. As it approaches, Olivia holds her breath: she doesn’t want the vapour to give her away. She can’t see his face, but it is definitely a man. He looks at where the stag was. Glances around. He looks down at the ground again. He paces around, shaking his head and pulling his arms tighter around his body, rubbing at his shoulders. His clothes are flimsy, too thin in this cold. A sudden gust dislodges some snow from above her and the movement makes the man jump. He stares in her direction, his body rigid. Waves of fear course through her body. Surely he will see her. But now he is hurrying away as fast as he can. She lies still until the desperate figure is out of sight, feeling the cold and damp seep into her knees and elbows. By the time she dares to move, she is stiff as new leather. She pulls herself up and then slips and scrambles back down the hill as quietly as she can, not wanting to look back, half-expecting the man to jump out at her. She is relieved to see Thistle still there, his eyes half-closed, unaware of her panic. There is some comfort in his presence, but not much. As they stumble and trip down the hill, she keeps glancing over her shoulder. But there is no sign of anyone else.

It takes almost two hours for her to reach the farm. Her clothes are now damp with sweat, and Thistle is fed up with being pulled, digging his feet into the ground in protest. The fire in the tack room is leaping in the grate, warming the backs of the men who are seated at the table, cupping hot mugs of tea laced with whisky from the bottle that Mac keeps behind the old dresser. As soon as they see Olivia’s face, they slam their mugs down, the sound marking an end to their easy conversation.

‘What is it?’ Mac asks.

‘There’s someone out on the hill.’ Mac frowns, his blue eyes sinking into the leathery face. ‘With a gun,’ she adds. The men scrabble to their feet, chair legs scraping on the flagstones. Someone runs to fetch Ben Munro, who arrives on his bicycle, dressed in his Home Guard uniform and carrying a rifle. Olivia repeats what she has seen. The men discuss in Gaelic. Mac collects two more rifles and a shotgun, talking to his wife quietly in the doorway of the house.

‘Off you go now,’ Ben Munro says to Olivia. ‘Run home. Stay indoors until you hear otherwise.’

‘Don’t you want me to come and show you?’

‘Och no, lassie. It’s no place for a young lady up there.’

‘But …’

‘Go on, now.’

Olivia watches the men tramp up into the hills, small, steady, determined. She feels a sudden stab of anxiety for the pathetic creature she saw out there. She turns for home as the men fold into the hills as if they are a part of them.

Hours later, when the only sound on the hill is the trickling of water back towards the loch, Ben appears at the bothy. ‘We couldn’t find anything,’ he says. ‘It’s been snowing, and a herd has trampled right through there.’

‘I suppose he’s hiding somewhere,’ she says, thinking out loud.

‘No, no. Whoever it was is probably sitting by a nice warm fire somewhere towards Gairloch.’

‘You think it was a local?’

‘We’ve had poachers for centuries. I’m sure we’ll have them for centuries more. Your aunt is nae bothered. And nor should you be. There’s plenty to go around.’

‘But he didn’t …’

‘Look,’ says Ben, ‘whoever it was will be long gone. No one can survive out on those hills in these temperatures. We’ll stay vigilant, but keep off the hill for a wee while. Find yourself something more ladylike to do. Mrs Munro is still looking for more people to help knit scarves for the troops …’

Olivia nods, but she has no intention of doing such a thing. She would rather be captured by Germans than join the knitting circle.

CHAPTER 7

Winter finally turns to spring, and Thistle can be let out into the small paddock behind the farmhouse while Olivia cleans out his stable. She rubs the pony down in the yard, watching the dust dance in the bright, cold sky, running her hand along his flank as he blows in her hair. She slips the head collar from his shaggy head, untangling the thick mane where it catches in the buckle. Thistle shakes his whole body, from his velvety nostrils to his broad rump, a huge shudder of relief. Then he wheels around and races off across the field, head down, bucking with freedom, searching for the patches of grass that lie temptingly in the sunshine.

Back in the stable, clearing the dirty straw, not for the first time Olivia wishes there was a light so she could see better. There are three other stalls, empty and bare, and beyond them a load of old feed bins and farming implements. She doesn’t like to venture back there, where it is dark and dingy and hung with curtains of dusty cobwebs. She is shaking the clean bedding out when she hears a strange noise above the rustle of dry straw, and her heartbeat quickens. She stands still, head on one side, listening in the silence. ‘Is anyone there?’ she says. There is no answer. The hairs on her skin start to prickle. She grabs the pitchfork. There is a swish of movement again. A rat? She peers into the gloom, takes a step closer. She doesn’t dare go right in. The sunlight is on her back. It cannot penetrate further. She squints, leans forward, pointing the pitchfork into the darkness.

There is a faint sound: ‘Pleez …’ It is so quiet that she has to strain to hear, which means she can’t scream as a shape begins to evolve in the shadows, a shape that turns out to be a person holding his hands up above his head. ‘Pleez,’ he says again.

‘Don’t you come any closer,’ she says, jabbing the fork in his direction.

He stops there, half hidden. He is desperately thin. His top is grimy, and his trousers are torn down one side and stained with dirt. His feet are bare. He smells of stale sweat, filth, and fever. She would have thought he was a tramp, if it wasn’t for the unmistakeable insignia stitched on to the right side of his jacket: the eagle of the Third Reich, the Nazi swastika clasped in its claws. She remembers the two dead parachutists swinging in the Fir Wood. She thinks of Charlie’s letters and the poor men who never come back. ‘Pleez, Fraülein,’ he says again. He rests his puny arms on his head, too exhausted to hold them up, surely too exhausted to harm her.

Still, she keeps her distance. She indicates that he can drop his arms. His thin face contorts into a grimace, and she notices that one of his eyes is swollen shut.

‘Who are you?’ she asks.

He says something she doesn’t understand, but then stops as he starts to cough, a rasping, phlegmy sound that rattles in his chest and makes him double over with the effort. ‘Shh,’ she says, holding up her finger and moving a little towards him. ‘Shh.’ He tries to stop, swallowing the coughs behind his hand as he collapses wheezing to the floor.

Olivia doesn’t call for Mrs Mac. She is surprised to find that she isn’t scared. He may be German, but this emaciated creature is no threat, and she remembers well the look on the men’s faces when they set off in pursuit of him. Which reminds her. Gun. He must have one somewhere. She makes the shape of a gun with her hand. ‘Revolver?’ she says. He scrabbles backwards into the dark.

‘No. I’m not going to shoot you,’ she says. ‘Your gun?’

He shivers, uncomprehending, staring up at her from his one good eye.

She runs to fetch a torch from Mrs Mac, telling her she plans to do a full spring clean. When she returns, she shines the light around the back of the stable, picking out the shadows of the old feed bins, buckets, ropes, shovels, all covered in a thick layer of dust, shed from animals and hay over the years. The German is huddled right back into the far corner, a shadow within a shadow. He has made a bed from some old straw, with a pillow – his life jacket – stuffed with more. Apart from the grubby clothes he is wearing, there is a leather jacket and some decent-looking boots, which are lying on their sides.

She can hear the breath bubbling in his lungs. She knows he needs warm clothes, decent food. She is fascinated and repelled. His puffy eye is weeping. He moves towards her and she backs away. He slumps into the corner, dejected, coughing, too weak to move. She immediately feels bad. ‘I’ll try and bring you some clothes,’ she says. He doesn’t look at her. ‘And clean water.’ He still doesn’t look at her, and then the cough starts barking in his chest again. There is a noise out in the yard. The German looks up at her, his eyes wide with fear. Someone is calling her name. Olivia puts her finger to her lips and then backs out into the light, leaving him alone in the darkness once more.