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‘No. I don’t.’
They sat in silence for a while, Paul none too subtly eyeing up a couple of girls in short skirts who had just wandered in and were trying to jostle their way into a narrow gap at the crowded bar.
‘Mmm, nice arse,’ he muttered, not quite to himself. ‘I bagsy the blonde.’
‘Don’t even think about it, mate. A quiet drink, you said. We are not here to pull.’
‘Speak for yourself! Anyway, it would do you good to get back in the saddle. You might be a bit out of practice after all this time, but you never forget, you know. It’s just like riding a bike, if you’ll excuse the expression. Not that you’ll get far with that ring still on your finger.’
‘Habit, that’s all.’
‘Right. But, as I was saying, when I’ve broken up with a girl, I always find that there’s no better cure than a bit more of the same. Hair of the dog, works every time, if you know what I mean.’
Mark couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Yeah, right. Not that you’ve ever had to properly break up with anyone, because you’ve never actually had a relationship that’s lasted more than a couple of months! And can I remind you that I’m not just breaking up with some girl? Nicci’s my wife, my supposed to be forever girl. Or she was, anyway.’ He took a slug of beer and gave Paul a gentle nudge with his elbow. ‘Oh, go on, get over there and fill your boots if you must, but leave me out of it, okay? I’m not ready for any of that stuff. Not yet. And the way I’m feeling right now, not ever.’
‘No, you’re all right. I’ll leave it. Male solidarity, and all that. I’ll stop here with you. I figure your need is greater than mine. And they came in as a pair, so you can bet they won’t want to be separated. And even I, Casanova that I am, don’t have enough charm to take on the two of them by myself. And, besides, the next round is on you, so I can’t miss that. Just waiting to see those moths come flying out when you open up your wallet!’
‘Ha! The amount of money I’ve had to pay out lately, I’d be surprised if they can find anything left in there to feed off. What with the solicitors, and the deposit for the flat, and the rent. And I’m still having to cough up for half the bills at the house, not to mention the mortgage payments. It’s not where I’d imagined all our savings ending up. I’ll be glad when the whole sorry business is over, I can tell you.’
‘And you were always so sure exactly where you were heading. Your famous ten-year plan, remember? Fancy church wedding at twenty-five. A small house to get you started, then a move up to something bigger. With a real gardener’s garden, you said, whatever that meant. Two cars. And your first kid at thirty-five. A boy first, then maybe a girl later. As if you could pick and choose! I can still remember the day you drew it all out on the back of that soggy beer mat the night of your stag do. Before you got pissed, obviously. Like some kind of spider diagram, it was, your whole adult life sewn up before it had hardly started. Mr Organised!
‘I laughed about it then. We all did, but you nearly achieved it, didn’t you? Okay, so you didn’t actually get the bigger house but, let’s be honest, that was a bit ambitious on a bank clerk’s wages, and the one you’ve got – sorry, had – is still a darn sight better than the poky place I like to call home. It just seems a shame, that’s all I’m saying. You and Nic. A waste, you know…that you didn’t make it all the way to the two point four kids and the happy ever after. Don’t you think there might still be a chance…’
‘No, mate. Let’s not go there, okay? It’s over. The plan’s not worth the paper it was written on. Or the cardboard, to be more accurate. I may as well have ripped it up right from the start and saved myself all the hassle. And the cash. End of. It didn’t work out, but I’m okay about it. Over it. Really. Or I will be. Just give me time, that’s all.’
And then, to the sound of raucous clapping, mainly from their own family and friends hogging the front row, the band came back on and, even though he couldn’t see much, Mark was able to turn his chair in their direction, which meant turning his back on Paul for a while, and he let his thoughts take over.
End of? Was it really? He couldn’t forgive Nicci. Of course he couldn’t. And he couldn’t contemplate taking her back. What bloke could? But he did love her. Always had. Whatever she had done, and whatever he may have said to the solicitors and to his worried parents and to anyone else who asked, he wasn’t over her, and he definitely wasn’t okay.
***
When Nicci woke up it was already ten o’clock and her head was banging. What time had they all gone home last night? She couldn’t remember. She wasn’t even sure if they actually had all gone home, so it was with some trepidation that she hauled herself out of bed, checked that she was decent – big T-shirt and a pair of pants, so that was okay – and peered into the guest bedroom. She didn’t like to think of it as Mark’s bedroom, even though it was where he’d slept for those horrible final nights before he’d moved out. If only he was still here. Better in a separate bedroom than not in the house at all. At least they could have talked, tried to work through it, had some sort of chance…
But this morning she was pleased to find both the room, and the bed, empty of everything but the usual clutter. The third bedroom, the one she had always secretly thought of as the nursery, was currently full to the rafters with boxes containing a lot of the odds and ends that Mark wanted to take with him but didn’t yet have anywhere to put. God help anyone who’d decided to crash down in there! She took a cursory peep inside, just in case, but it was all she could do to ease the door open. Nobody there.
Kicking a few strands of silly string and a lone balloon out of the way on the landing, she wandered down the stairs, not at all sure what, or who, she might find when she got to the bottom. She yawned so hard she felt she just might dislocate her jaw.
In the living room, the curtains were still closed, which was probably a good thing as she wasn’t sure her bleary eyes were quite ready for the glare of sunlight just yet. ‘Yuk!’ Her bare foot sunk down into something decidedly squishy. She lifted it and bent down to take a closer look at the mess between her toes. Cake!
‘Sssh! Some of us are trying to sleep here.’ The long shadowy body of Jilly slowly uncurled itself from the sofa. ‘What time is it anyway?’ she mumbled, groggily, rubbing her eyes. ‘I have to be at work by nine. Big order to finish.’
‘Well, you can forget that. You’re an hour late already. Should’ve set the alarm on your phone.’
‘Oh, shit. I thought I had. An hour late? Really?’ She jumped up, knocking a pile of cushions and a stray glass flying across the carpet. ‘Look, Nic, you don’t mind if I grab the bathroom first, do you? I brought a bag with me, in case I didn’t make it home, and it has to be somewhere around here, with work clothes and my toothbrush and stuff. I can be in and out in five minutes, I promise.’
‘That’s fine. Just let me pop in there for a wee, then you go ahead. There’s nowhere I have to be. It is Saturday after all. In fact, I think I might go straight back to bed.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s all right for you, I’m sure, but Saturday happens to be a working day for some of us. Me, at least. Oh, God, I knew we shouldn’t have had the party on a Friday.’
Nicci walked back up the stairs to the bathroom, with Jilly hot on her heels, and sat down on the loo, leaving the door open a crack so they could carry on talking. ‘If it had been up to me, we wouldn’t have had a party at all.’
‘Spoilsport!’ Jilly plonked her bottom down on the top step. ‘Don’t you want to put it all behind you, have a bit of fun? That was what last night was meant to be about, you know. You, and your future.’
‘I know, I know. Just don’t rush me, okay?’ Nicci flushed the loo and peered at herself in the mirror as she splashed a handful of water over her face. What a sight! Her brown hair hung in straggly knots and her roots needed doing, her eyes were distinctly bloodshot, and there were big streaky blobs of black around each one, where she hadn’t bothered taking off her mascara before falling into bed.
At least Mark wasn’t here to see her looking such a fright. Not that she was sure he would have noticed. He seemed to have stopped noticing a lot lately. She’d even come home with a streak of green paint across one ear once and he hadn’t said a word. The inevitable familiarity setting in after living with someone for so long, she supposed. Maybe not just so long but too long, she’d thought, as she’d stormed off to the reunion that fateful evening and drunkenly fallen into the waiting arms of Jason Brown.
Oh my God! Jason Brown, a man she hadn’t seen for years and would probably never see again. What on earth had she been thinking? The truth was that she hadn’t been thinking at all. Well, not clearly. Somehow she’d left her sensible head at home that night. It was where sensible seemed to belong. With Mark, who probably had the word Sensible stamped all the way through him like a stick of Blackpool rock. And, talking of rock, yes, she’d rocked the boat. No denying that, but maybe it had needed rocking. Just not quite so hard.
And if she hadn’t, they might still be together now, mightn’t they? She and Mark. The so-called perfect couple. That’s what everyone else seemed to think. But the cracks had already been there, spreading slowly through their lives, and their marriage, long before Jason Brown came along to open them up as wide as the Grand Canyon. Mark must have known that as well as she did, deep down. It was just that neither of them had talked about it. They’d both just let life drift along, and themselves drift slowly apart, seemingly going nowhere, or not together anyway.
As she kept telling herself, she may have been the one to push their marriage over the cliff but, if things had been right, they wouldn’t have been so dangerously close to the edge in the first place, would they? So, who knows? Maybe it would all have been over sooner or later anyway. Not that there was any comfort in that, and if she was trying to get rid of her own feelings of guilt it really wasn’t working.
‘Come on, Nic. Get a move on. I haven’t got all day!’ Jilly’s voice cut into her thoughts as she elbowed her out of the way and started running the taps in the bath. ‘Got any nice smellies? I need something to get rid of the whiff of stale wine. I swear someone must have tipped a whole bottle over me, ’cos I’m sure I didn’t drink that much. According to the doctors at the fertility clinic, I’m not really supposed to be drinking at all. You know, getting my body ready for whenever we go for our next try, but we were celebrating, weren’t we?’ Jilly lifted an arm and buried her nose into the crease. ‘Even so, I didn’t drink enough to smell this bad. Even my armpits reek!’
Nicci pulled a face. She probably didn’t smell too good herself. ‘Look on the windowsill. I think there’s some bubble bath left. The blue one, supposed to be for stress relief or some such nonsense. Don’t touch the lime and coconut bath bomb though. It’s my last one, from Christmas, and I’m saving it.’
‘What for?’ Jilly laughed, picking it up anyway and crinkling its cellophane wrapping. ‘Next Christmas? That’ll be here soon enough, and then you’ll probably get given another lot.’
‘I doubt it. So just keep your mucky paws off it, all right? And don’t use all the hot water.’
‘Yes, ma’am!’ Jilly saluted, peeling off her crumpled dress as she shoved Nicci outside and closed the door behind her.
Nicci made her way around the house, opening curtains and picking up the worst of the rubbish from the living room floor. She was pleased to find there were no more unexpected guests lurking in armchairs or sleeping it off under the table, although under the table turned out to be not a very pretty sight, having caught the worst of the fallout from the mangled cake. It looked like she’d be spending the best part of the day with a hoover, a wet cloth and a pile of bin bags.
But all that could wait, at least until Jilly had gone. Breakfast and coffee first. She filled the coffee machine and plugged it in, and pulled out two mugs from a cupboard. But when she opened the fridge door, there was no milk. And no eggs. All the bread had been used up making last night’s sandwiches, so no toast either. And some kind soul had finished off the orange juice with bits in, and put the empty carton back in the fridge as if hoping she might not notice.
She made the coffees, automatically adding two heaped spoons of sugar into one before remembering that it was meant to be for Jilly and not for Mark, and having to pour the whole mugful away again. She made Jilly another and left it on the worktop. If she was much longer in the bath, it would probably go cold before she got to drink it. Tough. Serve her right for not getting up and out sooner.
Nicci’s stomach growled ominously, in a Feed me right this minute kind of a way. She realised now just how little she had eaten at the party. There were always the leftovers, she supposed, as she carried her mug through and surveyed what was still out on the table. Needs must, and all that. She picked up a sandwich. The filling, whatever it had once been, seemed to have been picked out of it, and the bread that was left was so hard it could break teeth! Maybe not.
One thing there was still plenty of, of course, was the cake. By the time it had been cut last night nobody had been particularly interested in eating it. It would seem it had been viewed more as a symbol of the occasion than a genuine foodstuff. But it would be a shame to let it go to waste, after all Jilly’s hard work.
She popped a clump of it in her mouth and chewed. Not bad, actually. The jam was a bit sweet for this time of the morning, when a bacon and egg butty would have been her meal of choice, but it was pretty good just the same. The little icing bride and groom sat together now on the edge of the cake board, where someone must have helpfully repositioned them, the girl staring out towards the kitchen, the boy tipped over sideways and resting on his head.
She picked him up and wiped the crumbs off him before turning him the right way up again and setting the two of them face-to-face. They may only be edible figures, but she didn’t like to see them the way they had been last night, backs turned towards each other. She thought maybe, when the cake itself was all gone, she might hang on to them. Silly, obviously, wanting souvenirs, but there was something about them, and about who they were supposed to be, that meant she couldn’t just throw them away.
She could hear the bath water gurgling noisily down the drain as Jilly flung open the bathroom door with a loud bang and dripped her way hurriedly down the stairs. She had wrapped one of Nicci’s fluffy pink towels around her, or tried to, as there was barely enough fabric to reach around and meet in the middle, let alone conceal what was left of her modesty. Had she had any, that was.
‘Got a bigger towel, Nic? And a hairdryer? God only knows what Sheila is going to say when I roll up late. I can’t risk looking a mess as well. I hope that wine smell’s worn off. She won’t want me anywhere near the customers otherwise.’
‘Jilly, calm down. You’ll be fine. And it’s only a glorified cake shop. Not the Ritz!’
‘Huh! Don’t you let Sheila hear you say that.’ She lifted her voice an octave and did the best impression of her posh boss as she could manage. ‘Cake shop? Certainly not. Gibson’s, I will have you know, is the finest patisserie this side of gay Paree!’
‘Oh, you do make me laugh! You sound just like her.’
‘Hairdryer, Nic?’
‘Oh, yeah, sorry. It’s by our bed. I mean my bed. And towels are in the airing cupboard on the landing. Help yourself. Oh, and there’s no milk left, so the coffee’s black, if that’s all right with you?’
‘I guess it’ll have to be. Beggars can’t be choosers.’ Jilly grabbed her coffee with one hand, hanging on tightly to the towel with the other, and sped back up to the bedroom, her voice trailing behind her. ‘Which brings me to Plan B…’
‘And what might that be exactly?’ Nicci would have followed her but she couldn’t quite find the energy.
‘The next phase of the Save Nicci Ross campaign, of course,’ Jilly shouted, from somewhere above her head.
‘Jilly, I don’t want to be saved. Can’t we just…’
‘Can’t stop. No time to explain right now.’ Already the sound of the hairdryer whirring away at top speed was drowning out any hope of continuing the conversation. ‘Meet me for a drink later at Albie’s, and all will be revealed.’
Chapter Three
Thank God for football! Mark jostled along the crowded underground platform towards an opening door and squeezed himself into the train along with what felt like thousands of others, the sea of blue and white scarves around him giving him the comforting impression that he was amongst friends. People who wanted to talk about nothing more taxing than the price of a season ticket, or who was going to be wearing the number one shirt now the regular goalie was injured, or whether it was true that their best striker was leaving for some new contract in Spain. People who were on his wavelength, who understood him, yet wanted nothing from him. It made him feel normal again. For a few hours on a Saturday afternoon, when his team were playing at home, he could push Nicci right out of his head and concentrate on the second love of his life. Football.
Spilling out into the street, he allowed himself to be pulled along by the crowd. It was a chilly afternoon with a drop of rain in the air, the rosette and badge sellers were out in force, and a policeman on an enormous horse was guiding the more rowdy fans, already singing their hearts out, back into line. The smell of a hot dog with onions being rapidly and noisily devoured by a fat bloke walking alongside him reminded him that he’d not eaten since seven this morning, when he’d finally accepted he was not going to manage any more sleep and had dragged himself up to tackle the dubious delights of a bowl of own-brand cornflakes, the last of the not-quite-fresh milk and an over-ripe banana.
He really should tackle a supermarket shop but he’d had a busy week at work, which may have left him tired but was perfect for keeping his mind off other things, from nine to five at least. Sitting at the counter in the bank, counting the money in and out, stamping the paying-in slips, handing out leaflets about savings accounts and mortgages, might not be all that glamorous a job, but it did mean he met and chatted to lots of people, usually one after the other without a break, except for lunchtimes and the occasional trip to either the toilet or the kettle.
His mother had joked that, with so many customers passing through, he might get to meet a nice girl, now that he was free again and available. Well, he’d hoped she was joking, but probably not. Mothers could be very unforgiving when it came to the happiness, or otherwise, of their precious sons, and he’d noticed that, as far as his own mother was concerned, an ex-wife came way down the list of suitable subjects to be discussed.
In fact, he could almost believe, from the sudden and complete wiping of her very existence from the family archives, that Nicci was no more than a figment of his imagination and the last decade of his life had never actually happened. Even the wedding photo in its silver frame, which had always held pride of place, had mysteriously disappeared from the sideboard in his parents’ flat, leaving a rectangular gap in the dust yet to be filled with any sort of replacement.
But, when it came to girls, the last thing Mark was looking for right now was a replacement, however well-intentioned his mother’s hopes for him might be. Almost from the moment he’d first seen her, in that ridiculously cute witch costume with a spider’s web inexpertly drawn across her cheek, he’d known that Nicci was the only girl for him, and breaking that feeling was not going to be easy.
He stopped at a refreshments van and queued for a tea, blowing on his hands to combat the cold until the warmth coming through the polystyrene cup was able to do the job for him, and then looked about for Simon. They always tried to get here early, and usually managed to track each other down before it was time to go inside the ground and make their way to their seats. Simon being six foot four helped. Add a bobble hat to the top of that and he was fairly easy to spot in a crowd.
‘Hey, Mark!’ Simon loped towards him. ‘Tea looks good. You could have got me one.’
‘I thought you’d have been on the beer, Si. Tea’s an old man’s poison!’
‘Nah. Saving myself for later. Big session lined up for Rudy’s stag do. Wanna come?’
‘I don’t even know Rudy, whoever he is!’
‘Why should that matter? More the merrier!’
Mark waited while Simon fought his way to the front and got himself a drink. He was a good bloke, his brother-in-law. They’d hit it off right from the start, Mark nervously wiping his feet as he stepped into Nicci’s family home to meet her parents for the first time, and Simon only in his teens then, bouncing with energy and peppered with spots. He’d very quickly become the younger brother Mark had never had, and whatever was going on, or not going on, between Mark and Nicci now, the two men had already decided that it was not going to affect their own friendship.
‘So, how is she?’ Mark asked as they moved along the street, trying to keep the tea in their cups as people rushed past, bumping and jostling as they went. Somehow, despite his determination to let nothing but football matter this afternoon, Nicci had wormed her way back into his thoughts.
‘Nic? Okay I think. Not seen much of her, to be honest, but Mum’s spoken to her a fair bit. I think she’s bearing up. She does seem genuinely sorry though, mate. You know, for that business with…’
‘Jason. It’s okay. You are allowed to say his name.’
‘I don’t think it’s still going on, or anything like that. She doesn’t talk about it, to tell you the truth. Or him. Still…’ Simon fell silent for a few moments, as if realising a change of subject was probably called for. ‘Any news about the house?’
‘Not really. I spoke to the agent yesterday. A few people have been round to view it, but there’ve been no offers. I wonder if we’ve priced it a bit on the high side?’
‘Need every penny you can get, I should think. Both of you. Can’t be easy starting out again. I think Nic’s considering coming back home for a while after it’s sold. You know, while she gets her bearings and decides what to do with herself. Mum’s quite excited about having her back where she can keep an eye on her. She’s been spring cleaning like mad in her old room.’
‘That’s good. I don’t like to think of her having to rent some scrappy little flat like mine. Home with your mum sounds like a good place to be, for now at least. Has she still got the Take That posters on the wall, and that old pink teddy on the bed?’
‘Yep. That room hasn’t been changed one bit since our Nicci left home. Like a shrine, it is. No matter how many of my mates might need to sleep over, no one’s ever allowed to sleep in Nic’s bed, except Nic. Good job we’ve got a guest bedroom and a decent-sized sofa! You know, it’s almost like Mum’s always expected her to come home one day.’
‘Really? Being married to me was just seen as a temporary measure then, was it?’
‘Nah. I didn’t mean that. Mum’s always been really fond of you. Still is. But Nic’s still her little girl, you know, and she needs to make sure she’s all right. Just like she would if something was to happen to me, I guess. Mum can’t wait to start looking after Nic again. The old dressing gown on the sofa with hot water bottles and chicken soup routine… It’s what mothers do, isn’t it?’
‘Nicci’s not ill, Si. It’s a marriage break-up. She doesn’t have the lurgy!’
‘Maybe not. But she is in need of a bit of TLC, I think. Anyway, come on, back to business. We’re here for the game, and there’s only fifteen minutes to kick-off.’