- -
- 100%
- +
She stood still for a few seconds, closed her eyes. Trap the breath then let it out slowly … smoothly.
Unfortunately, a sense of duty was hardwired into a dancer’s psyche.
When she had finished pushing the carbon dioxide out through her clenched teeth she opened her lids again.
And then the ballerina turned, with all the grace expected of her, and let the revolving door coax her back inside, let its momentum almost propel her back up the stairs and into the crowded bar. Her glass, full of warm and flat champagne, was waiting for her on the banister and she retrieved it before pulling herself up tall and losing herself in the tangle of bodies.
Allegra cranked open an eyelid and focused half-heartedly on the digital clock by her bedside. Definitely way too late still to be awake. Or should that be way too early to get up?
Ugh. Who cared?
She always got this way after an opening night—too tired, too excited, too aware of the reviews only hours away now in the morning editions.
Knowing she’d only get even more grumpy if she lay there in the dark chasing sleep, she fumbled on the bedside cabinet for the TV remote and then pointed it into the darkness. A bluish light flooded the room. She squinted and drummed repeatedly on the volume button, hushing the garish advert for oven cleaner. She didn’t want to wake her father.
She changed the channel a dozen times. And then a dozen times more.
There really was nothing on at this time in the morning, was there? Unless you counted infomercials, ‘channel off-air’ graphics and lengthy documentaries about long-forgotten prog rock bands. She carried on changing channels until she lost count, and she was just about to give up and turn the TV set off when the image replacing the previous one caused her thumb to freeze above the button.
A pair of crinkling brown masculine eyes. And a killer smile to match.
She held her breath. Then she looked towards her bedroom door and quickly back again to the television. Without tearing her eyes from the screen, she pressed down hard on the volume button until the noise from the set was only just audible, turning the subtitles onto compensate. And then, finally, she let out the air she’d been holding captive in her mouth.
Finn McLeod. My, he was gorgeous!
All rugged male energy, with a glint of adventure in his eyes.
His dark hair, that never seemed to sit quite right, flopped over one side of his forehead and a smile stretched his stubble-studded jaw. She’d had no idea they were showing late-night reruns of Fearless Finn. Just as well, really, because if she’d known she could have watched him jumping into rapids and hanging off mountains by his fingertips all night long, she might have done just that. Unfortunately, a sleep-deprived ballerina at the Royal Opera House would not have gone down well.
Sometimes, she thought, as she tugged an extra pillow from beside her and stuffed it behind her shoulders, she felt so old. That wasn’t right at twenty-three, was it? But she felt as if she’d been riding the same unrelenting merry-go-round of classes, rehearsals and performances for so long that her life had sped up, and she’d aged faster than she should have done. It was hardly surprising that, deep down, she longed for something fresh, something new.
Her gaze returned to the screen, where Finn McLeod, in his gorgeous, rolling Scottish accent, was explaining how to find food if one was unlucky enough to be stranded in the mountains.
She smiled. Really grinned. See? She’d never realised there were tiny little seeds inside pine cones that could be prised out and eaten.
Or had she?
She supposed she had. She had pine nuts on her pasta all the time. It was just that she’d never connected the tree on the mountainside with the tiny packet on the supermarket shelf, never thought about what bit of the tree the nut came from or how it could be harvested.
And that was why she loved watching Fearless Finn. It reminded her she was young, that there was so much of the world she had yet to see, so much to learn about life. The feeling would well up inside her until she wished she could literally climb inside the flickering rectangle on the wall and run down that hillside with him, or taste that pine nut fresh from the cone for herself.
Finn turned to the camera and grinned, getting right up close to the lens, before flinging himself off a rocky riverbank and into the fast-flowing water.
Okay, maybe education about the planet wasn’t the only reason she watched this show. But he was so … so …
She didn’t really know what he was, or exactly how he made her feel, only that she felt alive watching him, that she believed she could sprout wings and fly away when he was on the screen.
Another symptom of the narrow, ultra-focused life one had to live if one was going to get to the top in her profession. Ballet had to be everything. So, just as she felt she didn’t know much about the big wide world beyond the ballet studio, she didn’t really have a lot of experience with men, either.
But seeing that six foot hunk of testosterone and adventure, with his unruly dark hair and even unrulier dark eyes, made her want to learn a little more about both.
She blushed hard and bit her lip. It seemed her first teenage crush had finally arrived after a rather lengthy, ballet-related delay.
Well, so what? Everyone had their guilty pleasures, didn’t they? Finn McLeod was hers. And until the milk floats began to moan through Notting Hill, outside her father’s tall white house, she was going to forget all about ballet and mermaids and morning editions, and lose herself in a pair of captivating brown eyes.
Watching dawn break from the top of a glacier was definitely the way Finn McLeod liked to start his day. The horizon had been the clearest, purest cobalt but now as the sun pushed upward it slowly turned an icy, pale blue.
‘Wow,’ the A-list Hollywood actor who stood beside him said.
Wow, indeed.
‘This is, like, perfect,’ the guy said, nodding gently.
‘Yup,’ said Finn. It didn’t get much better than this.
He and Tobias Thornton, action movie god, stood there, silent, staring at the awesome display Creation was putting on for them, better than any celluloid car chase or exploding building.
Finn glanced across at the backpacks that were sitting a few feet away on the ice. ‘The helicopter will be here shortly,’ he said, his gaze drawn inevitably back towards the sunrise. It was swiftly blocked out by six and a half feet of movie star. Finn discovered that was because Toby was intent on crushing the life out of him in a bear hug. Not part of the plan, really, since they’d spent the better part of a week trying to survive this frozen wasteland.
‘Thanks, man,’ Toby said, thumping Finn on the back.
‘No problem,’ Finn replied, wheezing slightly.
The actor released him and stood back. ‘This has been life-changing, Finn. I mean it.’ He turned to face the sunrise once again, but carried on talking. ‘I feel as if I’ve stripped away all the garbage from my life and discovered who I really am.'
Finn just nodded. That was what spending a significant chunk of time in the wilderness would do for a man. It was why he loved it here. Or any place a man-made structure, or a power line, or even a mobile phone signal were many, many miles away. It made him feel alive. Connected to something indefinable, something bigger than himself.
‘I’m never going to be the same, man …’
Finn frowned. Of course, normally he travelled to places like this on his own. He’d planned to enjoy the silence. Not much chance of that now, as his actor friend continued to gush.
But this was what the TV company had wanted. Having a tag-along celebrity for the fifth series of the show hadn’t been his idea; he’d been quite happy with the previous format, where he’d spend a week in various remote locations showing the audience not only how to fend for themselves in that environment, but giving them a taste of a rarely seen gem of a place.
But that hadn’t been enough for the TV execs. He was too competent, apparently. He grunted out loud at that thought. What rubbish. Being competent at this stuff was why he’d got the job in the first place. Unfortunately, the suits thought the viewing public had got that message now, and were going to get bored with more of the same, so they’d come up with a plan to saddle him with a novice so he could pass on his expertise. And, of course, people loved watching celebs thrown out of their glitzy worlds and into the deep end. What could go wrong? the TV company had said.
Finn sighed. He supposed it hadn’t been that awful. The guy standing beside him had been okay company, and it had been fun to watch him build his confidence over the last week. Whether the experience would produce a lasting change in the well-known bad boy and womaniser was another matter altogether.
‘So who’s your next victim?’ the actor said, turning to him.
Finn smiled to himself. ‘Anya Pirelli.’
The actor let out a low whistle. ‘The tennis player?'
Finn nodded.
Toby slapped him on the back. ‘Lucky dog.’
‘Just don’t tell my fiancée,’ he said, grinning.
‘You have a fiancée?’ Toby pulled a face. ‘Too bad, man.'
‘Oh, I don’t think I’m doing too badly—she’s Natalie Cross.'
‘The chick who does the nature documentaries?'
Finn nodded, and Toby whistled again. ‘Definitely not doing too badly, mate!’ and then he frowned. ‘But spending a week stranded with Anya Pirelli … She’s not the jealous type, is she, your fiancée?'
Finn laughed and shook his head. He’d been joking. Neither of them were jealous types. That was what made them the perfect match. They both liked their freedom and, even though they were committed to each other, they both understood how destructive the urge to pin someone down and keep them for yourself could be.
‘When’s the wedding?’ Toby asked, and Finn stopped smiling.
He shrugged. ‘When we get around to it.’ They’d been engaged for two years, which seemed a long time to some people, but he and Nat travelled so much for their jobs theirs was almost a long-distance relationship. They’d find a date they could both manage eventually. Just the knowledge they’d agreed to do it some time in the future was enough for now.
‘No … Nat will be fine about it,’ Finn added.
Toby’s eyes glittered wickedly. ‘Still, you’ll be stuck alone with Anya in the jungle somewhere or up a mountain. Who’s to tell?’
Finn gestured over his shoulder to the camera operator who was standing a little way down the slope. ‘Who d’you think?'
Toby slapped himself on the forehead. ‘I’ve got so used to them being there, I kind of forgot we weren’t on our own.'
Finn shrugged. It was easy enough to do. Sometimes he threw himself headlong into risky situations while filming, completely forgetting he wasn’t on his own and that a camera, a producer and possibly a safety expert were trailing along behind him.
He took a few paces away from Toby, tried to create a little bubble of space and silence where he could let all this grandeur and beauty seep into him so it could mingle with all the other memories and experiences he collected on his travels. However, as mind-blowing as each location was, he always felt there was room for more, that a little piece of him ached for the ultimate destination, the ultimate adventure. That was what kept him moving, kept him searching.
There was a glint of silver off to the right in the sky, and Finn lifted his hand to shield his eyes further.
Yep. That was the chopper.
Time for the next adventure. And he couldn’t wait.
CHAPTER THREE
A NEAT stack of newspapers sat on the kitchen table in the basement kitchen. Other than the sound of her own breathing, Allegra could hear nothing. She tore her eyes from the stack and looked at her father.
‘Shall I read them to you?’ he asked.
Allegra shook her head and returned her gaze to the tower of newsprint in front of her. Instead of taking the top one off the pile, she picked one from the middle and eased it from its place. The critic who wrote for that paper was always the hardest to read. Not because he was vicious. He was blunt, yes, but never vicious. It was much, much worse than that.
By some magical power, this man always managed to hone in on those elements of the performance that Allegra fretted about herself and then shone a big, nasty spotlight on them. However, if she could read this review and get it out of the way, the rest would be a piece of cake. At least, that was what she was telling herself.
She pushed the pile of papers to the far edge of the table to give herself space to unfold the broadsheet and carefully turned pages, smoothing each one flat, until she reached the arts section.
There, filling almost half the page, was a grainy black and white photo of her and Stephen in the last act. Stephen, as always, looked like one of those sculpted marble statues, all perfect musculature and good bone structure, as he supported her in an arabesque.
She felt a little of the panic drumming beneath her ribs drain away. She didn’t look too bad herself. And the line of that back leg was perfect, even though she’d only hit that position for a split second before moving through it to the next step. Surely, a picture like that had to be a good omen?
She glanced down at the text beneath the picture and phrases swam in front of her eyes.
‘Astounding.’
‘Technically brilliant.’
‘Allegra Martin didn’t miss a step … ‘
She released the breath she’d been holding out through her lips and let it curve them into a slight smile. She risked a look at her father, but he was wading through another of the papers. The cup of chamomile tea he’d made her was now almost cold. She reached for it and took a sip, then grimaced.
Now her initial shakiness had subsided she went back to the beginning of the article and read it in whole sentences, taking it in slowly, weighing every word instead of fracturing it into phrases that had a tendency to jump out at her.
It all sounded good but as she switched from the bottom of the second column to the top of the third she started to feel chilly again. By the time she’d read a couple more paragraphs she knew why.
‘I’ve always been a huge Allegra Martin fan …’ the man had written.
The ballerina in question raised an eyebrow. Really? If that was the case, she’d hate to be on his bad side!
‘… but while her performance as the Little Mermaid was technically flawless, I still don’t think she has lived up to her early promise. ‘
Allegra’s stomach bottomed out and a faint taste of chamomile tea clung to her teeth, making her feel queasy. She read on.
‘Miss Martin seems to have lost the engaging sense of wonder and joy she had as a young dancer and, while I appreciate her virtuosity, I don’t feel she captured either the exquisite joy of first love nor the torture of unfulfilled longing that a truly great rendition of this part would require. ‘
She wanted to stop, but she couldn’t. It was like driving a speeding car when the brakes had failed. Her brain was frantically pressing on the pedal, but her eyes kept reading.
And it only got worse:
‘In Hans Christian Andersen’s original story, the Little Mermaid was a creature not blessed with a soul, and I’m afraid, with Allegra Martin in the title role, this was all too obvious. ‘
Allegra didn’t move. Nothing would work. Not her mouth, not her legs, not her arms.
Soulless? He’d called her soulless?
She pushed her chair away from the table and stood up, met her father’s eyes.
He didn’t say anything. Very unusual for her father. He always had something to say about her performances, some aspect she could improve for next time. Also, no matter how hard on her he was in private, when the reviews came in he normally got very defensive, would argue why the writer was wrong.
The chill in her stomach dropped a few degrees.
There was nothing to argue about, nothing to refute. She could see it now—the glimmer of disappointment in his eyes.
‘You think it’s true, don’t you?’ she asked, her voice almost a whisper. Even at that volume, it managed to wobble slightly.
He closed and opened his eyes slowly. ‘I don’t know what’s been wrong with you the last year or so, Allegra. You’re just not as focused as you used to be. Your work is suffering.'
She looked at him with pleading eyes. Yes, her father was hard on her, had always pushed her, but he was supposed to be her protector, her champion! Why was he saying this? Why couldn’t he dismiss the opinion of one ‘know-it-all hack', as he liked to call them?
That was when she saw something else in his eyes, clouding out the original emotion, making it darker and harder. He wasn’t just disappointed with her; he was angry.
‘You can’t waste your gift like this. You’ve got to stop throwing it all away.'
There was a sharp stinging at the back of Allegra’s eyes. He wasn’t talking about losing the role of principal dancer—although that might be a possibility if her current artistic drought didn’t end—he was talking about the big picture, the vision he’d had for her ever since he’d put her name down for an audition for the Royal Ballet School, aged ten.
He wasn’t talking about jobs and salaries and reviews. He was talking about living up to her mother’s legacy, of carrying on where Maria Martin had left off on the road to becoming one of the greatest British ballet dancers in history.
He was saying she just wasn’t good enough. Might never be.
Allegra rose to her feet, looked at the paper still open on the table and then back at her father.
‘I want to see you bringing that same energy and commitment you used to have back to every class, every rehearsal, every performance,’ he said. ‘You owe it to yourself.’
You owe it to her. That was what he really meant, wasn’t it?
Didn’t he think she would if she could? I’m trying, she wanted to scream at him, but nothing’s working because I feel dead inside! I’m not her. I haven’t got her talent. I’m not sure I’ve even got my own any more! Or that I want it if I do have it.
The words didn’t even get close to being on the tip of her tongue; they swirled around her head instead, making her eyes blur and her throat swell. She licked her dry lips and forced something out.
‘I’ve got class at ten-thirty,’ she said. And then, without looking at her father again, she turned and headed up the stairs that led from their basement kitchen, pulled her coat from the hook near the door and walked with silent steps into the chilly morning air.
People were everywhere. Finn stood still and took a few moments to adjust. After a week in the frozen wilderness, where the only noise was the wind curling round rocks or the crunch of snow beneath his boots, a busy provincial airport terminal was an assault on the senses. Not that he minded.
This was just a different kind of adventure, a different kind of wilderness. One that Finn considered far more dangerous, even with its thick sheen of civilisation.
And, while he hadn’t minded Toby’s company, he’d been secretly relieved when the man had been whisked away in a limo as soon as their helicopter had hit the tarmac. Now he was alone again. No need to use his vocal cords unless he really wanted to. No need to take anyone else’s needs into account. He could move at his own speed and choose his own route.
He ignored the moving walkway, clogged with bored-looking tourists with suitcases, hitched his rucksack higher on his back and set off down the near-empty carpeted area beside it, his strides long and his smile wide.
A buzzing in one of the side pockets of his cargo trousers tickled his legs. At first it made him jump, but then he realised what it was and bent to fish his mobile phone out of a slim pocket low down on his right thigh.
‘Hello?’
‘Great! Finn, I’m so glad your mobile’s finally on again. It’s all gone pear-shaped since I last talked to you …'
Finn gave a lopsided smile and began walking again as he waited for his producer to finish his mini-rant. Simon always got like this after a shoot. Finn knew he just had to let Simon vent until he’d either run out of steam or run out of breath—whichever came first.
When the sentences weren’t hurtling past at a hundred miles an hour and blurring into each other, Finn firmly squeezed a question of his own in. ‘So … what’s really up, Si?’
There was a slight pause at the other end, as if the other man’s unending monologue had suddenly encountered an unexpected hazard and had taken a split second to work out how to flow around it.
‘Slight snag, as they say.’
‘What sort of snag? We’re supposed to be off to Panama tomorrow. Can’t it wait until we get back?'
‘Ah …’
Okay. Now he’d managed to dry Simon up completely. This was news Finn probably didn’t want to hear.
‘It’s Panama we’ve got a problem with.’
Finn stopped walking altogether. ‘Oh?’
‘Anya Pirelli has injured her knee in a training session. Her coach says it’s going to be months before she’ll be ready to tackle a desert island.'
That wasn’t a problem, it was an unexpected blessing! Finn started striding again.
‘How awful,’ he said, feeling genuinely sorry for Anya, but he couldn’t help thinking there was a silver lining.
‘Don’t worry, though,’ Simon added quickly. ‘I’m working on a couple of possible replacements as we speak.'
Now, that was what Finn had been afraid of.
‘There’s no need, Si. We can go back to the old format. Me on my own.'
Simon’s silence was heavy enough to slow Finn’s pace yet again.
‘No can do, I’m afraid, Finn. The TV company have seen the rushes for the first new-format episode. They loved the Formula One star in the swamp. Said it did just what they’d been hoping it would. They’re adamant you need a celebrity sidekick.'
‘But—’
‘I agree with them, Finn. It makes you seem more human. Less of an indestructible force of nature yourself, someone the ordinary guy in the street can relate to.'
Finn had reached the end of the wide hallway now and he had to dodge people stepping off the end of the moving walkway as the space narrowed and funnelled them towards the gates.
‘Okay, okay,’ he finally said. ‘Let me know who you’ve got lined up when you’ve got something firm.'
He said his goodbyes and hung up. He was just about to shove his phone back into his khaki pocket and button the flap shut when he realised there was someone else he probably ought to call before he couldn’t use it again.
He punched a speed-dial button and waited. He got Nat’s voicemail. That was the problem with having a woman in his life who was as free-spirited as he was. He left a brief message, then checked his account for messages, too.
First in the queue was one from Nat.
‘Hi, Finn,’ her message said, sounding a little tense. ‘Look, the South Pacific shoot has been moved forward and I’ve got to fly out this evening.'
Finn frowned. He hadn’t seen her for four weeks, and he’d been hoping to catch up with her this evening. Oh, well. It couldn’t be helped.
‘Anyway,’ Nat continued, ‘your itinerary says you’re connecting through Schiphol, and so am I. I could get there early and we could meet up.'
Oh. Okay. That would be good.
Finn nodded to himself and waited to see if there was anything else. The pause was so long he’d started to pull the phone away from his ear when she spoke again.
‘Finn, I—’ Another pause, shorter this time. ‘We really need to talk, that’s all. Call me.'