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“Byrne painted that herself,” Phil said.
“No. As a matter of fact, I didn’t.” She moved her hand up through the back of her hair and Paula caught the glint of fuzz on her neck. It made her shiver oddly. “I haven’t lifted a brush for too long. That one is the gift of a student and friend.”
“I’m sorry,” Paula said before she could stop herself.
Byrne turned full around and examined her curiously. The reddish eyebrows were so even and regular and lay so flat that they looked darker. “Sorry? For heaven’s sake, why, child?”
The word “child” made Paula’s throat tighten but she went on, a little flustered. “Because people who do something that they enjoy can’t be too happy when they stop.” She clutched her purse and bravely held her glance directly on Byrne.
She saw the woman’s lips part just the smallest bit as though she were about to question further. But evidently she thought better of it and the mouth spread into an appreciative smile.
Phil said, “Don’t tangle with Paula. She was the champion drawer in senior class. She may even be a frustrated artist, for all I know.”
“Do you paint, Paula?”
“No.” She dropped her glance to the sandals, wishing she hadn’t brought up the topic.
Byrne persisted, “Why not?”
“Oh, she’s got better things to do,” Phil put in.
“Why don’t you paint?” Byrne seemed not to have heard him.
“Oh, I’m not that good.” She tried to pass it off. “Doodling is more my speed, I guess.”
“And I keep her pretty busy, you know. Paula is a serious type. She’s not going to be one of those Bohemian mothers in dungarees and neglected kids.”
Paula knew he was edging in to talk about the store and she hoped Byrne would let him get to the topic. She didn’t know how to handle herself with this woman — Byrne paid attention to her as though she, Paula, were the important individual instead of Phil. She felt flattered by the woman’s interest but couldn’t explain it to herself. Why should she care if I paint? Why does she look at me and not at my clothes? A weird feeling rose in her and brought with it vague longings always resting somewhere dark and unheard. If only she could run away before Byrne saw too deeply. But she knew it was too late and that really, she didn’t want to run at all. She wanted to stay and let Byrne go somehow deeper, deeper until she could tell Paula what herself really was.
Phil lit his third cigarette and was motioning through the air with great display of self-confidence. “Paula isn’t one of those hare-brained beauties you see every day. She’s the kind who helps a man make his way in the world.”
“I understand,” Byrne said, patting Phil’s shoulder to tell him without words that he could stop raving now. “What say we drink to making one’s way in the world?” She found three highball glasses in a cabinet built into the wall and put them on the table. “Scotch? Bourbon?” She looked at Paula. And Paula knew that Byrne knew she didn’t drink.
“Scotch’ll be fine,” Paula said.
Phil got ice and poured the drinks.
Paula sipped at hers and didn’t like the bitter taste. Phil took long swallows, trying to fill himself with the strength to bring up his reason for being here.
Byrne saved him the trouble. She settled herself into the couch and crossed her legs. “Now tell me, little nephew, what can I do for you? I don’t suppose you’re here to socialize with your ancient relative.”
Paula thought: Ancient? You’ll be young forever.
“Well, the truth is,” Phil eased his way slowly, “I could use a little help if you want to give it.”
“Of course.”
“There’s this paint store on the corner of Third Avenue in the Seventies. Mueller’s. Maybe you’ve heard of it. They advertise in the buses.”
“I don’t ride buses.”
“Anyway, it’s a real good thing, this store. Busy, large. And it’s established. I have a chance to buy a partnership because one of the men is selling out and his son happens to be a friend of mine. If I could get in there …”
“What do you know about the business?”
“What’s there to know?”
Paula hoped he would say something that sounded smart. She didn’t like the way he was appealing to Byrne. As though she were the man and he a child — that’s how he sounded.
“Assuming there isn’t anything to know, how much do you need?”
He took a long breath. “Ten grand.” Putting his tongue in his cheek and making it bulge, he watched to see how she would react.
“That’s a lot of money for you, my boy.”
“I’ll be able to pay it back. You’ll get a part of it every six months.”
“That’s not the point.” She set the half empty glass on her knee. “I simply hope that you’ve chosen wisely. That size investment will make a responsible citizen of you overnight. Are you sure you want to sell paint for a living?”
“I can’t be a crumby mechanic’s helper all my life,” he blurted. “This is the kind of opportunity that gives a man a chance to be something. Get himself away from those lousy tenements.”
“And give him a chance to raise a decent family,” Byrne added, glancing at Paula.
“Right!”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Byrne shrugged. “You might just as well do this as anything. It sounds reasonable enough to my unreasonable mind.” She finished her drink and set it on the long table. “Sold, Philip. There’s no reason why I should give you a hard time when all this money came to me so easily.” The hint of some unrelenting memory shadowed her words.
Phil hadn’t expected her to agree so quickly. He sat on the edge of his chair, his long-winded efforts to convince her further abruptly interrupted.
“But if I were you,” she added more brightly, “I’d stock some art supplies for Paula. She may be wanting to experiment one of these days.”
Phil found himself. He came out of the chair and filled Byrne’s glass again. “Oh, you’re a pal. You’re a real pal.” He couldn’t find an expression big or grand enough. “I love you!”
Not knowing what to do, he bent over and kissed Paula. She moved back from his touch, self-conscious in the presence of this woman.
She wants me to paint, she thought. Without knowing whether I can do anything or not, she’s interested in me.
Paula looked past Phil, intensely wanting Byrne to say something more.
Byrne smiled at her, more with her eyes than with her lips, and said, “You are going to try it, you know.”
“I’d make a terrible pupil.” Paula flushed. She realized that she had practically asked Byrne to teach her.
“Perhaps.” Byrne’s eyes slowly closed and opened again, changing the grey-green depths to clear emerald. “Perhaps not.” Paula felt a tightening thrill at the somehow unnamed implication in Byrne’s voice.
To be polite Phil talked on for another fifteen minutes, exuding energy and success, the dimple flitting in and out of his cheek. He stood taller, filling the room with his dark massive physique. He told Byrne pieces of family news. She listened, obviously without interest, nodding occasionally or making some brief comment that showed Paula just how little she really cared about her family. She wondered what this woman did care about. Not money, certainly; not ambition. Without knowing why, Paula wanted this strange person to care about something, anything, to care very much.
Finally, Phil picked up Paula’s coat and helped her into it. She buttoned it slowly. Byrne walked with them to the door.
“I’m glad I met you,” Paula said in a low voice.
“Are you?” Byrne closed one button she had missed and held her hand there for a moment.
Paula held her breath till the woman released her. She took Phil’s arm and moved backward through the doorway.
In the cold darkness of Phil’s Ford, Paula shook herself, realizing that every muscle in her legs ached intensely. She shook herself and tried to stretch out the knots.
“Oh, baby,” Phil whispered. “This is it.”
“I’m so happy for you.” She let him lean across to her and put his mouth on hers. Through the coat she felt the pressure of his hand against her breast.
“It’s all right,” he said. “It’s good. I want to marry you. I’m going to love you forever and we’ll have all the good things. No struggling like our folks, honey. Just lots and lots of loving.”
He moved his head down and rested his cheek against her chest. She looked past him at the lights on the avenue.
“I’m asking you to be my wife,” he whispered. His voice seemed to come to her from far away.
She put her lips into his hair and inhaled the sweet male smell of hair tonic. “Oh, yes,” she murmured. “Oh, yes.”
I’m going to be Mrs. Carson, she thought. I’m going to be the wife of this boy. But her feeling was not the fantastic delight she had always expected. With a touch of fright, she realized that this was like seeing a play by sixth graders after having been to Broadway.
She decided that she was tired; that her brain must be as numb as her body. Tomorrow she would know the full meaning of his words and her whole being would burst into the sky in overwhelming celebration.
They stayed quietly together in the darkness until she felt the cold beginning to creep back into her limbs. “Please start the car,” she said, “and turn on the heater.”
“You’re so practical,” he replied, sitting up and turning the key in the ignition. “Where’s your romance? We’ve been going together so long, you must think we’re married already.”
“That’s true,” she agreed. Maybe that’s what it was, actually. She hoped so. With all her heart she hoped so.
“It’s still early,” he said. “We can go up to Jack’s place. I told him not to be home tonight.”
“You what?”
“That’s right. I knew I was going to ask you tonight, Byrne or no Byrne. I love you so much, Paula. You know how much I love you. But I’ve never really touched you. Not all the way. And I can’t stand it. Not tonight, I can’t. Even with all the world so good to me, the one thing that will make it really important is having you. And since we’re getting married …”
Wildly she thought: I’ll go with him. I’ll give him everything he wants. I’ll make him happy because I love him and need him.
He swung the car around and stepped hard on the gas. With a free hand he switched on the radio but static jumbled the music and he turned it off again.
They reached Jack’s place. Wordlessly she followed him up the musty hallway to the furnished room. Phil got the key from the ledge above the door and let them in.
He kicked the door closed and, standing in the darkness, grabbed her in his arms. She heard the soft thud as one of Jack’s cats leaped off the radiator to the floor. Phil reached under her coat and pulled her to him. His hands were warm to her flesh. Her senses began to swim and she released the mounting desire she felt. Her body went limp against the insistent force of his needing. He lifted her up, carried her to the bed, and gently put her down. She felt the weight of his body on her own and soon the touch of his flesh against hers.
“I love you,” she murmured. “Love you … love … you.”
Her words merged with passion and the silent darkness was soon witness to their union.
2
In her own bed at last, Paula tossed fitfully, yearning for a sleep that would not come. It’s all right, she kept insisting. It’s all right because we’re getting married. But it wasn’t what she and Phil had done together that made her anxious. It was the insistent thought that soon she would have a husband, then children, and the routine of life would be carved out for her, leaving her nothing she could do to change it.
Just early yesterday, there had been nothing in the world more wonderful than to be Mrs. Carson. Suddenly it had become important to discover who she — Paula Temple — really was. Her life, her individual self, seemed terribly precious now. Could she paint? Could she dare to be ambitious for an existence different from being Phil’s wife? If Byrne hadn’t looked at her like that, if Byrne hadn’t said with her eyes that Paula Temple might be a person worth considering …
Byrne must have seen plenty of people in her time. She couldn’t have looked at all of them the way she had looked at Paula.
The night dragged on. Paula sought refuge in far off stars that glittered in the eternity of the black heavens. If only she had one particle of the time those stars seemed to have!
No, she had to think of Phil.
She would be crazy not to marry him. How could you love a man one day and the next day want to run madly around the world without him? Marriage had suddenly become a trap. And that was foolish. A woman was made to get married and bear her husband’s children. That was maturity, that was being an adult. The rest of life was child’s play.
Then I’m a child, her mind screamed. I don’t want to get married. Not yet! Not yet! I’m just beginning to live.
Once again, Paula saw those slanting eyes that ever changed color and meaning as you looked at them.
Dawn crept in. She heard Mike stir and his pillow fall to the floor. She sighed, grateful to know that soon she could get out of bed and not be alone with her thoughts for a while. Phil would call her. What would she say to him? What could she say that he would understand? She didn’t understand herself what was driving her now.
Paula didn’t care. She would let whatever it was force her on until some knowledge came, until she found something that made sense out of this new and frightening fascination she had never felt before. And she understood that she could not marry Phil until that happened.
She waited until seven o’clock then got out of bed. She tiptoed into her parents’ room and put on her mother’s robe. If only she were a kid again and could sit in that warm, comforting lap. But Paula knew that this was one problem she must solve completely alone. She pulled the bathrobe tighter around her body, wishing that it could give her the wisdom that all mothers seemed to have.
In the kitchen she sat near the stove. The peacefulness of Sunday seemed to spread itself through the world. Families would sleep until late, then read the papers and watch television in the afternoon. Some would go to church, maybe to confess their troubles. Others would visit grandparents and stuff themselves on a hearty dinner. Oh, none of it was for her now. Not for her. If only she could rip off her skin and dig out the trouble. How good it would be not to think, not to fight, not to wonder.
Her father shuffled in on his way to the bathroom, sleep still heavy in his eyes. “You up?” he mumbled. “Fight with Phil?”
“No, Pa. Just up early.”
He closed the bathroom door. She heard him belch painfully.
I can’t sit here all day like this. I’ve got to get out. Then she thought once more of Phil calling. He would tell her folks about their getting married and everyone would worry about where she had gone. No, she had to stay home until he called.
One by one, Ma and Mike and Pa got up for the day. She listened to the yawning and the brushing of teeth while she sat on the hard wood of the chair.
By eleven o’clock she was washing the dishes, letting the water scald her hands and turn the skin red. She scrubbed the plates with all the bottled-up energy surging from inside her.
Mike, too skinny for his height, his shoulders stooping awkwardly, commented to her, “You’re a strange bird today.”
Paula didn’t answer.
Ma put on her grey Sunday dress and combed brilliantine through her hair that was supposed to smell of rose petals. “Leave your sister be,” she said with merciful intuition. She smiled anxiously at her daughter and told her not to bother drying. “They can drain,” she said, “if you have better things to do.”
“It’s all right, Ma. I’m all right.”
“Of course you are.”
She wished she could reassure her mother. Convince her that nothing was really wrong. But she wanted to throw her arms around that neck and cry and cry. “It’s really okay, Ma,” Paula insisted as she picked up the towel and started to dry. “Phil asked me to marry him last night. I guess I just don’t know.”
Gratefully she watched her mother’s concern relax.
“Baby,” she said and hugged Paula with relief. “My little baby.”
She felt her mother’s tears wet against her cheek and her own tears came furiously, burning from somewhere deep inside.
“What the hell’s goin’ on in here?” Mike’s disgust rang through the house.
“Oh, pipe down.” His father pushed him out. “Go build yourself a hot rod.”
“Aah, women!” He zipped up his jacket and slammed out of the apartment.
The old man wandered uncomfortably around the kitchen and pretended to interest himself in polishing his shoes. He brushed the tips with violent concentration.
Paula pulled herself away from her mother, aware of a throbbing in her temples. No use to cry. It solved nothing. With a paper napkin, she wiped her mother’s cheeks and then her own. “I really didn’t sleep much, you know. Maybe that’s why things look so big this morning. I’ll take an aspirin and go for a walk.”
Her father said, “You want company?”
“No, Pa, thanks. I just want to clear out this head.”
She found some aspirin in the medicine cabinet, bundled the scarf around her neck and pulled on her heavy mittens. She didn’t much care what she looked like, even if it was Sunday. “If Phil calls, tell him — Oh, tell him anything.”
She ran out and down the steps as if bursting out from under smothering blankets.
The dreary Sunday lay heavily on all the closed stores with their awnings flapping and whipping in the wind. She strode down Third Avenue, coat collar turned up, head bent into the wind. The grey sky, heavy with its burden of snow, stretched endlessly above her. She walked and walked, not thinking, not wanting to think, hoping perhaps she might outrun her crazy thoughts and return to the familiar nest of long-known living.
She knew where she was walking; her legs moved without her brain’s direction. I can’t go there, she thought. It’s nerve. It’s gall. I wasn’t invited. Her legs insisted, moving her block after block, seeming to gain energy and purpose as she progressed. When she had come twenty blocks to Forty Second Street, she forced herself to stop in the Woolworth doorway. If I knew her last name, she thought, I could look up her telephone. She went into a bar and searched for Byrne Carson. The name wasn’t listed.
Her legs drove her outside again. They stung with the cold, but the stinging felt good as a kind of match for her rushing turmoil. She wanted to speed, to fly, to dash herself against windows. Her lips were dry from breathing through her mouth, chapped and cracked. The restless fury she felt would not let her ride the bus or take a subway. She half-ran, half-walked to Fourteenth Street, not seeing, not caring, breathing rapid painful breaths, shaking with the pounding in her heart.
At Fourteenth Street she caught sight of herself in the window of a dress store. Tangled hair and burning red cheeks stared back at her. She realized that she was in her old worn coat. Her shoes were muddy with slush. Mixed relief and horror struck her. She can’t see me like this!
She had a ready-made excuse just to stand across the street from Byrne’s house and watch the window. Maybe she would come to fix a curtain. As Paula considered this, the idea became increasingly appealing. She hurried to Eleventh Street, practically convinced that she had an appointment to glimpse Byrne at the window.
When she spotted the house, her pace slowed. To see the building better she stayed on the opposite side of the street. At last she stood directly across, glutting herself with staring at the strange but so familiar door. A glow spread inside her as she realized that somewhere, right behind this thin piece of glass, was that golden hair splashed with fire — that vibrant voice that could laugh and softly caress at the same time. She leaned back against ice-covered bricks, feeling warm and touched with peace.
How long she stood, Paula didn’t know. Her eyes strained with a permanent watching of the window for fear that if she glanced away for even a second, she might miss the sight of Byrne. Perhaps she was reading, lying casually on the couch, her legs crossed on the cushions, a drink on the table beside her.
Paula’s coat had soaked in the wetness and a freezing bar of dampness cut across her back. She shivered. Her fingers inside the mittens had become stiff and she tried to move them to stir the circulation.
What would Byrne think if she happened to knock on her door?
If I don’t go all the way in, Paula thought, if I just stand inside the front door for awhile, she’ll never know. Still hesitating, she shifted her weight to the other foot. A prickling sensation ran through her toes. Her feet seemed like two blocks of wood on which she rocked, unable to sense the movement of walking. Yes, I’ll go inside, she thought. Maybe I’ll hear her voice on the telephone, or something.
With quick decision she stumbled across the street, moving clumsily on frozen limbs. She crept slowly up the steps, watching the window in case Byrne might appear. She needed both thumbs to push the door latch down and she slipped quickly inside, closing the door carefully so it wouldn’t bang.
A puddle formed around her shoes and gradually the heat of indoors thawed her fingers. She pushed the scarf back off her head so that her ears would be free to hear any sound behind the door. So close. So close.
It might have been five minutes, it might have been a half hour that she waited, smiling crazily at the knocker, dizzily scared that Byrne might come out and find her. Footsteps came down the staircase. An old gentleman in rimless glasses looked at her with questioning eyes. He tipped his hat.
“May I help you?” he said.
“No, thank you,” she answered quickly, “I’m just waiting for someone.”
“I see.” He smiled and went out.
But that did it. The man had hardly closed the door when Byrne’s door opened. She poked her head out and saw Paula.
“Voices carry around here,” she said around a black cigarette holder clamped between her teeth. She didn’t seem so much surprised as amused. “If you’re waiting for someone,” a glint of mockery flicked in her eyes, “you’ll be a little more comfortable waiting in here.”
Paula’s heart dropped right down to her stomach. She didn’t move. Mixtures of horror and joy scrambled inside her.
“Well, come in before we both freeze to death.” Byrne leaned into the hall and pulled the girl back into her apartment.
Unlike yesterday’s neatness, the room was full of half empty coffee cups. They littered the floor, the table, the book shelf. And Byrne wore a striped shirt, the sleeves rolled past the elbow, with the same charcoal slacks and sandals.
“My God, you’re an ice cube. Have you been out there all night?” Indulgence tempered her irony.
Paula laughed suddenly at her own foolishness. It’s so simple, she thought. I’m here! And there was not the slightest feeling of intrusion.
“Well, if you can’t talk, perhaps you can take off those wet things.”
Submissively Paula removed her coat and dropped herself on the couch. She felt light with happiness, not caring if Byrne thought she were a fool.
“At least you’re not making excuses. Take off your shoes while I get you some hot coffee.”
Paula watched her stoop to the automatic percolator plugged in beside the wall lamp. She liked the starkness of Byrne today. It made the grace of her body and movements more apparent by contrast.
“I hate to wash cups,” Byrne chatted with offhand friendliness. “We have three more to go before it’s necessary.”
“Don’t waste a clean one,” Paula said. “Please just fill that one there.”
“Child, how can you be so natural?”
Paula leaned back on the couch and devoured the beautiful thing that was Byrne. “I guess I can’t help it.”
Byrne filled one of the used cups and brought it over. “No, I guess you can’t.”