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‘I felt there was something deeper going on with him, something I couldn’t control, and I just couldn’t work around his negative energy any longer so I stormed out and we all became history after that,’ says Tom. ‘It cost me my whole musical future, but it also lost me a very good friend and any chance of seeing you again. Maybe that was a big mistake. Maybe it was a selfish, childish move that backfired as it broke up the band and it broke … well, it broke Matthew too, I suppose, didn’t it? I never imagined he would take it so badly.’
I can’t think straight. I put my hand to my forehead. Do my parents know this? Did Matthew tell them he was jealous of the idea of me and Tom getting together? I still don’t understand why. My family have been to hell and back with Matthew for four years now, but do they know I had a part to play in this too, even if I’d no idea?
The music in the bar is irritating now instead of entertaining and the punters are suddenly too loud. I’m uncomfortable instead of cosy. I’m sick instead of happy and content.
I can’t speak right now. All I can think of is my brother and his mental health problems that have driven him to some very dark places, of the recluse he has become, of his rejection, of his avoidance of any mention to do with the band he set up with such love and attention. He refused to tell me what happened, but I’d never have guessed any of this.
‘And you’re sure that’s all it was?’ I choked. I’ve a feeling there was more. There had to be. ‘It seems pretty trivial to build up a band for a year then throw it away over you asking for my phone number.’
Tom’s chest rises and falls, and he looks away, his face etched with pain.
‘I dunno, Charlie,’ he sighs. ‘I tried to talk to Matt. I really tried to dig deep with him, you know? He was acting so strangely around me, and I couldn’t get it out of him if there was something else. Are you sure he never told you anything?’
I shake my head. Matthew’s darkness moved a black cloud over our whole family as we battled to help him, but he refused to talk. He just closed up and said he’d had enough of life. We’ve been on a time bomb of nerves with him ever since, watching his every move. Tom’s return could be enough to tip him over the edge again.
My phone rings, giving us both a welcome distraction until we see who it is.
‘Oh God, you’ll never believe it but it’s Matthew calling me,’ I whisper, wishing I could just run away from all this mess between these two men who I’ve so much feeling for. Could he have found out where I am today?
‘You should answer it,’ says Tom, rubbing his temples. ‘Would it help if I spoke to him?’
I look at the floor. The smell of Guinness is turning my stomach now and the fire is too hot. I can’t answer. I can’t answer Tom and I can’t answer my phone. Matthew leaves me a voicemail message, but I don’t need to listen to it. I know how his moods have been lately. If he’s heard I’m with Tom, he’ll just spit out a rage at me and I can’t cope with what he has to say right now.
Plus, I’m angry at him. I’m so angry that he couldn’t see past his own ego back then, his own big brother macho attitude or his own jealousy that I might have just an inch more talent than he wanted me to have or might stamp on his toes. How dare he make that decision for me when it was none of his business?
I’m angry at Tom now, too. I can’t believe he didn’t stand up to Matthew more and push through with the band when it was all he ever wanted in life and when they were showing so much potential. How petty of them to throw it all away over some jealous row – unless there was more to it than I’m being told?
‘Aren’t you going to call him back?’ Tom asks me and I shake my head.
I feel a bit sick. I don’t want to talk to Matthew right now.
‘I think I need some fresh air,’ I tell him, lifting my coat.
‘Me too.’
He follows me outside and we stand in the slushy snow watching waves crash on a grey foamy sea in the near distance. I shiver, clutching my bag that holds my dress and other bits and pieces from last night, while Tom paces around me, smoking a cigarette and waiting for a reaction. But I can’t give him one right now.
‘None of this has to ruin us, does it?’ pleads Tom. ‘We can’t let it happen again, no way. I have feelings for you, Charlie. We can’t keep letting other people get in our way. Do you have feelings for me, too? Tell me.’
He puts his cold hand on my face and rests it there, looking deep into my soul. A hot tear trickles down onto his fingers from my eye but he doesn’t move his hand away.
‘I do,’ I say to him. ‘More than you’ll ever know.’
He slips his arms around my waist now and pulls me close to him, the warmth of his body soothing me instantly. I close my eyes, lean on his chest and feel the rush that fills me up from head to toe. I have to be with him. I just have to.
‘Last night at the bar,’ he says to me, like he’s breathing his last words to me. ‘Charlie, I didn’t just turn up there unexpectedly, you know that.’
I’m confused now. I look up at his face.
‘I was hoping you’d be there,’ he says. ‘I had absolutely no idea if I was on some wild goose chase, but I went to Pip’s Bar because I was looking for you. I had this mad hope you might be there, just because it’s the area of town you used to live in, and then I gave up and went out the back for a cigarette but … well then, there you were. It was like it was meant to be. Mad, really, when you think of it.’
I gulp, stunned a little that it worked out as it did. My friends and I hadn’t planned to go there last night. It was only because of the weather that we did. He couldn’t have known. He took a gamble. He’s telling the truth.
I look up to the black, snow-filled night sky and the moon that reflects down over Dublin Bay. We didn’t just meet last night by accident. Sometimes things are meant to happen. Some things are meant to be.
‘You should be a detective,’ I laugh, and he kisses me on the forehead, not lightly like he has done before, but a long, lingering kiss that makes me hold him even tighter. I give myself to him, leaning in and absorbing every ounce of the man I’ve wanted to hold me and touch me for so long.
‘I wish we could stay here forever,’ he whispers to me, and I feel exactly the same. I love this place more than anywhere I’ve ever been. This moment, this kiss, this knowing that for once in my life the planets aligned and brought us here together again.
I think I love Tom Farley, but then I always knew I did.
‘Look, just let me talk to Matthew once and for all,’ I whisper and when he looks at me, I can see the pain and worry in his eyes. ‘I’ll explain to him that he can’t get between us, no matter what happened before, and we’ll see where this all goes. I can’t take a chance on losing you again, Tom, and I know you feel the same.’
‘You sure?’
I nod at him. ‘I’ve never been so sure,’ I tell him. ‘We’ve waited five years for this. I don’t want to lose you again. Never. It’s happened once and it will never happen again.’
Chapter Four
Matthew James Taylor, my one and only brother, was my hero every day of my life when I was a little girl. He was the big brother of dreams, the one who all my friends adored and wished they could be around, no matter what stage of life I was at.
As a child I’d hear him sing in his bedroom, everything from Elvis Presley to Oasis, and I’d watch him in awe when he took the lead in school concerts, drama groups and anything that allowed him to take centre stage. Other boys were mad into following football and chasing women, but Matthew had one dream and one dream only and that was to sing.
At first my father tried to push him into sports of all sorts, thinking he wasn’t manly enough if he didn’t play rugby or cheer on the reds or blues or whoever was the popular soccer team of the day. But Matthew was always to be found in his bedroom with a guitar strumming along to the Top Ten hits, or in the music room that used to be our garage but was soon filled with second-hand keyboards, drums and everything under the sun that Matthew could gather to build his own idea of a ‘man shed’.
In many ways he was an isolated boy growing up, because in rural Ireland it was only cool to have alternative interests as long as you could still score points and goals when it came to Gaelic games and show some rough and tumble.
But Matthew wasn’t that type at all. He was quiet and gentle and the only time he’d raise his voice was when he was hitting the high notes of a Guns N’ Roses song.
‘He’s a deep boy,’ my mother used to say, as if in apology. ‘He thinks too much. Maybe his passion for music will be his saviour one day.’
And so, it became his thing.
I, on the other hand, could have stood on my head and done a jig to try and impress, but even if I could I’d never be seen to be talented like Matthew was. Emily often joked she was the invisible middle child, while at least I got some attention being the youngest, but Matthew was always the one to watch – the one who was destined to be different – and everyone came to adore him for it.
Now, to see him put down his tools as such, to have abandoned his university degree in architecture (which was a back-up plan he never thought he’d need anyhow), and to be working in the village corner shop back at home as he battled with the demons in his head was a bitter pill to swallow.
I follow the stone walls into Loughisland, a drive I could do with my eyes closed, and my heart swells when I see the familiar faces making their way up and down the little street where I will always call home.
It’s a quiet-looking place to the naked eye, but behind the scenes it’s a bustling little village, where the tiny primary school is the heart of the community and where everyone lives and breathes for football matches on a Sunday after Mass. I loved growing up here – a world away from Dublin and the city life that caught my stride since I left here almost ten years ago.
I park the car on the side of the street and walk towards Sullivan’s corner shop, which even in December has a huge ice cream cone outside advertising its famous 99s that everyone who passes through will stop for. The shop is attached to a pub of the same name where you’ll also find the local undertaker, should you ever need to plan a funeral when you’re doing your grocery shopping. Well, you never know, do you?
Across the street is the chapel with its adjoining cemetery, and I notice some very entrepreneurial thinker has opened a new florist’s alongside, meaning that every event or occasion, be it a christening, a wedding or a funeral, is well catered for. A tall, somewhat overpowering evergreen tree is decorated with bulbs of green, red and blue and a string of clear lights hang to tell us that it’s the season to be jolly.
I was christened in that very chapel on a sunny Saturday in April many years ago. I made my First Holy Communion there in a white dress handed down from Emily when I was seven, and it was the first place I heard a choir singing ‘Ave Maria’, which made me fall in love with live music when I was barely tall enough to see over the pews. We sang carols every year beneath a tree in the exact same place, which would then be replaced when spring came with pots of daffodils and snowdrops, then bursts of colour in summer that always made us proud of the locals who made such an effort to make the place so pretty.
The snow has thawed a little now, but a bitter winter breeze catches my breath, forcing me to tighten my scarf and quicken my step towards the shop front of Sullivan’s. I get there and stop, despite the sharp weather, to watch Matthew through the window serving a friendly local. A wave of sadness overcomes me from deep inside.
This is my hero, my big brother. How did he ever come to this?
His eyes light up when he sees me through the window before a familiar-sounding chime above the door marks my entrance. The shop smells of my childhood – of warmth, boiled sweets, newspapers and ice cream in wafers – and I rush across to give him a hug which he receives shyly. He is thinner than he used to be and his hair, which once upon a time sported every colour of the rainbow, is pale brown, lank and light. He is thirty-two years old now but he looks at least ten years older in his navy apron, worn-out jeans and with his tired, drained face.
‘You got my message then?’ he asks, his eyes wide in anticipation. ‘I probably wasn’t making much sense, but I hope you understood my rambling?’
His eyes crinkle as he smiles, which tells me he may have some good news. It’s far from what I was expecting. I didn’t listen to the voicemail he left me last night, but I can’t bring myself to tell him so. I just couldn’t do it. I was too afraid he may have found out about me and Tom and I wanted to speak to him in person, hence my unannounced visit.
‘Oh, did you leave me a voicemail?’ I bluff. ‘Sorry, I’m so bad at picking up messages.’
‘Some things never change,’ he says, wiping his hands on his apron. ‘I just said I wanted to meet up with you in the next day or two, so looks like we’re on the same wavelength, after all. I’ve something to tell you.’
I know by his face that it’s good news, which is a huge relief. Something to tell me? What on earth could it be?
‘I did see a missed call,’ I confess, feeling guilty now, ‘but decided on a visit home instead. I miss my big brother.’
Never one for big affection, he rolls his eyes and goes back in behind the overcrowded counter as another customer approaches. It’s the type of shop that used to feature in every Irish town or village but has died out over the years, replaced instead by heartless chain-stores that don’t reflect the soul of a community like this one does. Here, you can buy everything from a loaf of bread to your morning paper, but you’ll also find hardware, a pub and you can choose a coffin out the back if you need one.
‘I’ve a few things to tell you, one biggie and the other is a really cool idea for Mam and Dad, if you and Emily are up for it,’ he says as he punches numbers into an old-fashioned till, without acknowledging any further that I’ve no idea what he’s talking about. ‘I think it would be something different and would give Mam a lift this Christmas.’
‘Of course,’ I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. ‘We can talk more when you’ve finished your shift.’
I’m a little bit worried but only because this all seems too good to be true. Matthew wanted me to come here to share some big news, and to plan a Christmas surprise for our parents. It’s like the old Matthew is back, the one who used to be so bright and full of ideas and excitement.
He glances through the hatch behind him that looks into the bar where, as always, there is horse racing flashing on a TV high up in the background.
‘I can finish up here now,’ he tells me. ‘Look, do you want to pop next door and I’ll buy you a drink? Mrs Sullivan can mind this place too when I need a break. We have that sort of arrangement.’
‘Cool,’ I say to him. ‘I’ll let you get finished up.’
I make my way out onto the blustery street again, my head lost in wonder and steeped in time as it always is when I come back here.
Mrs Sullivan knows the score, I think to myself, realizing that Matthew’s ‘job’ at the shop is more for his benefit than theirs, of course. It’s a baby step back into society for him and a subtle level of responsibility that gives him a reason to keep going.
Four years of this have passed, though. We’d all hoped he’d have got better a whole lot sooner, but depression knows no boundaries and the black dog inside him doesn’t seem to want to move on just yet. Well, not until now perhaps, as he shows this light glimmer of excitement for the first time in a long, long while.
Mrs Sullivan, or Angela Martin as I know her as she was only a few years older than me at school, is the third Mrs Sullivan to run this place for as far back as I remember. She greets me shyly, a bit nervous as most people are around us city types who left Loughisland for wider shores, but she soon relaxes when we start chatting like I’ve never been away at all.
‘He’s doing so well,’ she tells me, wiping her hands on a brown and white tea towel. Nothing in here has changed a bit. The old chocolate-coloured stools at the bar are the same with their black metal legs that I used to have to climb up to reach my seat when Daddy and I would slip in here on a Saturday afternoon for a sneaky bet on the horses. I’d be fed Tayto Cheese & Onion crisps and bribed with a glass of Fanta while he chugged down a quick pint of the black stuff and prayed that his luck would come in.
‘I think working here can only be good for him,’ I say to Angela. ‘We’re worried sick for him, to be honest, but thanks to you and your family for giving him this chance.’
‘You know he wants to start a folk club?’ she says, as if she’s telling me she’s won the lottery. ‘Now, that’s a good sign! He’s showing an interest in music again at long last. Your mother is thrilled!’
We keep our voices down as the open hatch that adjoins the bar to the shop means noise can travel, but we don’t get to chat any further as just then Matthew makes his way in and joins me.
‘Have you ordered?’ he asks. ‘Have what you like, it’s my treat.’
He seems so chirpy and excited, which now all makes sense. The folk club here in the village, the job in the shop and whatever this Christmas surprise for Mam is. I dread the thought of bursting his bubble when I get round to mentioning Tom, but maybe, who knows, it could be good timing if he’s other more positive things on his mind.
‘I’ll have a gin and tonic,’ I say to Angela. ‘What are you having, Matthew?’
‘The usual,’ he says to Angela. ‘And don’t be expecting any fancy berries or glasses like goldfish bowls in here, Charlotte. A gin and tonic is a gin and tonic in Loughisland, not a bowl of mixed fruit.’
He laughs at his own joke and Angela pretends to be offended.
‘The original and the best,’ I say to them both and soon we are clinking our glasses together in true Christmas spirit. ‘So, what is it you want to tell me? It’s good news, I take it?’
Matthew sits up straight on the stool. ‘I thought, well it just came to me yesterday before I rang you …’
His appearance may be changing each time I see him but somewhere in there is still my big brother, still the one we all looked up to.
‘I was thinking,’ he continues. ‘Wouldn’t it be a great idea if we were to take Mam and Dad on a summer holiday next year, just the five of us? Well, Kevin too, I suppose, as he’s family now,’ says Matthew. ‘It’s their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary this year and I think after all the crap we’ve been through over the past while, it might be something to look forward to? As a family?’
I almost choke on my drink in delight. ‘I love it!’ I tell him.
‘You really think so?’
He’s showing so much hope for the first time in ages. He’s making plans. He’s excited about something once and for all. I lean across and hug him.
‘That’s the best idea ever!’ I say to him, and I really mean it. ‘Let’s get onto Emily and Kevin and we’ll surprise Mam and Dad with all the detail on Christmas Day. Is that what you’re thinking?’
‘Exactly,’ he agrees. ‘You know, Charlotte, I remember when I was just a nipper how Mam used to stand at the kitchen sink and say that if she ever came into money, she’d love to take us all to see the pyramids in Egypt. Now I know it will take a lot of money, but if we booked it for, say, August, it would give us all eight months to save the fare and some spending money. Does that sound OK?’
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