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‘Look how pretty you look,’ said her mum to Bubblee. ‘When will you find a husband?’
Oh, lord. Not five minutes they’re all together and it was all about to kick off. Mae waited for Bubblee’s ensuing tirade: Stop trying to bind me to the patriarchy! I’m happy the way I am. You’ve never understood me. I don’t need a man. I don’t want a man … etc., etc. But, much to Mae’s alarm, Bubblee simply rolled her eyes, a smile playing on her lips, as she said, ‘Honestly, Mum …’
‘Look, it’s Mae Kala1,’ said Fatti, handing Adam over to her.
‘Oh,’ said Mae, looking at the chubby face and big brown eyes. ‘All right, Ads? What’s going on?’
His response was to dribble saliva on to his My Dad Rocks bib, crease his brows into a frown and kick his legs about.
‘Don’t hold him like that. He’s not a puppy,’ said Bubblee as she showed Mae how to cradle him.
‘Yeah, I know. I have done this before, remember? Like, all Christmas.’
Which was true enough except Mae still couldn’t help her awkwardness at holding babies. And they were bigger now – squirmier and whinier – if that was possible.
Mae waited for Fatti to take her baby back but Fatti was too busy telling Farah that she and Ash managed to get four hours of solid sleep last night. Ash joined in on the conversation about the baby that he and his wife seemed to have forgotten.
‘Let’s not make Zoya jealous now,’ said Farah to Mae. ‘Sit down.’
Mae sank into the sofa as Farah placed her niece into Mae’s other arm. She stared at both babies who looked up at her as if expecting her to say something, anything, to entertain them.
‘Weather’s a bit crap, isn’t it?’ offered Mae.
Zoya’s response was to spit some milk out of the side of her mouth, but Mae’s hands were fully occupied. As she looked up for help she realised that her dad and Ash had gone into the garden, her mum had gone into the kitchen, and Farah and Fatti were still talking as Bubblee was on her phone.
‘I’ve said to Ash, please, don’t use your phone around the baby,’ said Fatti. ‘It’s not good for them or you. You know?’
‘Yes, well, unfortunately some people aren’t as reasonable as Ash,’ replied Farah.
‘Oh, here we go,’ said Bubblee putting the phone in her back pocket and raising her hands. ‘Happy?’
Farah’s response was to fold her arms and sigh.
‘Er, guys. Yo. A little bit of help here, yeah?’
The three sisters turned around.
‘Ah, look at little Mae with our babies. Take a picture,’ said Farah. ‘They all look so cute.’
‘Now you want me to take out my phone?’ replied Bubblee, getting its camera ready. ‘Smile. Hmm, no. Let’s take another one.’
Farah scurried across to fix Zoya’s collar that was obscuring her face, managing to wipe the milk off at the same time.
‘Mae, look like you’re happy to be home,’ said Bubblee.
‘Of course she’s happy to be home,’ beamed Fatti. ‘It’s not the same without you, you know. So, tell us all about uni then. How’s it going?’
‘What are your lectures like?’ asked Farah.
‘Have you joined any societies? I hope you’ve taken up with some feminist movements,’ added Bubblee. ‘These are your formative years. So much of what you learn now’s going to affect your future. Make memories, you know? God, I loved uni. It was just the best time. Even though I didn’t become quite the artist I thought I would.’ She paused. ‘Anyway, that’s fine, because if I hadn’t failed at that I wouldn’t be doing all this interesting stuff now. Or “innovative” as one reviewer called it. Not to brag.’
Farah seemed to be ignoring the conversation on purpose but Fatti interjected with an, ‘Exactly. This pop-up gallery idea is so brilliant. Isn’t it, Farah?’
‘Mmm.’
‘So,’ continued Fatti. ‘Tell us about all your new friends.’
‘Oh, you know,’ said Mae. ‘It’s mad, isn’t it? All those new people. I’ve not really made that many friends. Just acquaintances.’
None of them responded.
‘Like, there are just so many people, so I’m all … you know …’ Mae shook her head as if crazed. ‘Mad.’
Bubblee took some peanuts from the bowl and put them in her mouth, nodding fondly. ‘I like the idea of you being a lone wolf. Not being tied down to any one person or group. Good. Well done.’
Why had Mae lied? She got so nervous that her sisters might think she was a loser – not the ‘fun Mae’ they said she’d be at uni – that she panicked. She wanted to say being a lone wolf wasn’t exactly out of choice. That she’d quite like to be a part of some kind of group so she had someone to hang out with during breaks and in the evenings, instead of updating her social media.
‘As long as you’re happy,’ added Fatti.
It was on the tip of Mae’s tongue to say that actually, maybe she wasn’t happy, when her mum’s voice came from the kitchen, asking for help. Much to Mae’s alarm her sisters left her with their babies while she heard laughter and chat from the kitchen. That was soon drowned out by Zoya who began to cry, swiftly followed by Adam.
‘Yeah,’ she said to both of them, trying to rock them at the same time. ‘I know how you feel.’
In fact, Mae felt it more acutely than she thought she would when it transpired that this little family gathering had nothing to do with her coming home for the Easter break. Apparently having babies that were teething was more worthy of celebration. What exactly had happened to this family?
‘God, I could kill a doner kebab right now,’ she said, putting a pakora in her mouth.
Her sisters all looked at her. Fatti cleared her throat and her dad pushed the plate of pakoras away from her.
‘I knew the student lifestyle would break you, Miss Kale Smoothie,’ said Bubblee. ‘Tell me, do students still live on beans on toast?’
Mae scoffed. The irony of the fact that she had been addicted to healthy eating pre-university wasn’t lost on her. Moving away was meant to open up her horizons but actually opened up her palate as well. Though some might say it wasn’t opening her palate so much as it was destroying it.
‘No. Everyone’s all organic now. It’s mad. You can’t go to a café without having something gluten-free shoved in your face. It’s such a cliché.’
‘So, you’re the one who’s having beans on toast?’ asked Farah. ‘Never thought we’d see the day. Speaking of, I made a decent cauliflower and cheese for Zoya but I think the cheese was too heavy for her.’
‘Yeah,’ added Fatti. ‘Adam had the same problem in the beginning but just start with small portions at first and they get used to it.’
‘Have some more rice, Jay’s abba,’ said their mum, getting up to put more food on their dad’s plate.
‘Sorry,’ said Bubblee. ‘Have to take this call.’
She got up from the dinner table as Farah watched her go. ‘I’m telling you, I’m going to take that phone and throw it in the toilet.’
‘You have to understand her work’s important to her,’ explained Fatti.
‘Not more important than a baby,’ said Ash.
‘Thank you,’ said Farah. ‘Exactly.’
‘The baby’s asleep,’ said Fatti.
‘That’s not the point.’
Mae sighed inwardly and got up from the table. Seemed as if the honeymoon period of co-parenting, bringing the sisters closer together, was waning now that Bubblee was concentrating on her work. Mae went up to her room and wondered how long it’d be until someone actually noticed. Somewhere between university and home, her place in the family had disintegrated and it was as if she was taking up space rather than filling the one she’d left behind.
There was a light knock on the door before it opened.
‘All right, squirt?’
‘Jay!’
Mae bounced off the bed and gave her brother a hug.
‘Sorry I missed the party,’ he said.
‘You didn’t miss much.’
He looked down at her and nodded. ‘Keeping well then?’
What did all this ‘keeping well’ mean? Mae asked about his work. He waved his hand around, saying that it was a delivery job, how good could it be?
‘You stole my room,’ she said, laughing and pushing him.
Now that Jay was here she didn’t mind nearly as much.
‘I’m the man of the house. Got to have my due.’
‘Ugh,’ said Mae. ‘That’d be Dad, actually, and don’t be a loser.’
‘All right, squirt. I’m off to bed. Early start tomorrow.’
Was that it? Jay left the room and Mae sat back down on her bed. For some reason she always expected Jay to be this great big brother because that’s how she imagined him in her head, but this greatness, even years later, still hadn’t emerged. After all the disappointments, and the mistakes he’d made, affecting the whole family, he still seemed untouched by it all. Her thoughts were interrupted by sounds of one of the baby’s crying until it was followed by someone shouting, ‘Mae, Zoya’s woken up. Could you bring her down, please?’
This would not do. This would not do at all.
Chapter Two
The following day Mae woke up to smells of cooking and her mum speaking on the phone at full volume. She put the pillow over her head but nothing short of being in a soundproof bunker could drown her out. Getting out of bed, Mae stubbed her toe, followed by banging her head on the wardrobe because she was in a box room.
As she sat at the breakfast table, eating her toast slathered with peanut butter before taking to her Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, she listened to her mum’s monologue about Adam and Zoya. Mae could’ve left the room and she didn’t think her mum would’ve noticed. It was only when her dad came in and patted her on the head, sitting down to have some tea, that she was able to have a conversation about something normal, like the flowers he was growing in his garden. She stacked them up as two of the least boring minutes of her return.
By the afternoon Mae had taken her dad’s car and gone to Fatti’s, but she was so preoccupied with Adam they couldn’t have a conversation without interruption. Mae returned home to find Farah there with their mum, but the conversation was all about, surprise, surprise, Zoya. It did turn, for a moment, to Farah possibly getting married. Farah just looked at her baby and said: ‘I don’t think I want to any more.’
‘What do you mean?’ said their mum. ‘A husband is good for you. We should start looking for you.’
‘No means no, Amma,’ said Mae.
‘Your turn will also come after uni,’ their mum replied.
‘No, really, Amma,’ said Farah, looking at her. ‘I’m happy like this. Really happy.’
Her mum looked confused. ‘But what does that have to do with it?’
‘Er, kind of everything,’ replied Mae.
‘What do you know?’ said their mum. ‘You’re still a baby too.’
‘A nineteen-year-old, Amma. Kind of done with needing nappies, I’d say.’
But her mum ignored her and continued to press Farah about it. A woman couldn’t live alone her whole life – what would she do when she’s old?
‘Amma,’ said Farah. ‘I tried marriage once, and I don’t want to try it again. That’s the end of it.’
Eventually their mum just shook her head, said, ‘You girls,’ and started talking about what to cook for dinner.
Mae felt at a loss. She didn’t seem to fit into any space in this family, not one where she could actually be a part of something. It occurred to her that the only reason she had ever fitted in was because she was always dealing with other people’s dramas, trying to patch things up between them. Now that everyone seemed self-sufficient, where did she come in? She would’ve called her high-school friends except one had moved to Edinburgh and had seemed to get so involved with uni life that she no longer had time to return Mae’s messages, while the other had gone to Australia, of all places, to study. They’d email, like each other’s stuff on Facebook and Twitter, comment on any cool Instagram shots, but hadn’t once had a proper conversation since leaving for university.
It was the next day, when Mae came down to the kitchen to see her mum giggling as her dad pinched her bum, that she felt her bile rise again. She went straight back into her little room and stayed in there, watching shows on Netflix, until midday, when her mum began telling her off for being lazy and not helping around the house.
That’s when Mae decided to pack her bags and tell her family that she had to go back to university to finish up a project.
‘But you only just arrived,’ said her dad, who seemed to be the only one genuinely upset by her news.
‘Soz, Pops. Life of the uni student, isn’t it? Gotta make those grades.’
She felt a flush of embarrassment at this dual lie because she knew her grades weren’t exactly making the cut. It was all that time she spent on social media and staring at the ceiling. Her mind refused to focus. There was too much to distract her and nothing to occupy her all at the same time.
‘I bought some kale,’ he said. ‘Maybe you can go back to those smoothies instead of …’ he cleared his throat. ‘What you’re eating now.’
‘Ugh. No, thanks. What was wrong with me all that time? Having soya when I could’ve been having chocolate? That’s bad parenting, that is,’ she added, zipping up her bag again. ‘Seriously deranged behaviour from a teenager and you thought it was normal.’
She felt tears prickle her eyes.
Fatti: Don’t leave! Wanted to come and say goodbye but Ash’s at work and Adam’s getting a cold I think so don’t want to take him out. Message when you get to uni. Love you xx
Farah had managed to swing by but spent the entire time talking about Bubblee’s work schedule and how she was never around to help with Zoya. Mae shuddered at the name, haunted by her past obsession with soya and wondering whether this was just another one of her sister’s ways of testing her emotional resilience.
As Mae got out of the car at the station, her dad leaned over and beamed at her through the drizzle.
‘You have everything? Your toothbrush?’ he asked. ‘Your amma will be angry if you forgot it.’
‘She already asked me twice, Abba.’
‘Okay.’ He paused. ‘You are okay, yes?’
Why did her dad have to choose this moment to ask her? When her train was coming in six minutes, it was raining and the car’s engine was running.
‘Just fabbo, Pops.’ Mae blinked back the tears that really were in danger of falling this time. ‘You know. Nothing new’s easy, is it?’ she added.
What did she hope for? That from just a few words he’d get that things weren’t exactly the way she’d hoped they would be? That there was a sadness that had settled itself inside her and no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t shift it? She had begun uni feeling passionate about Media Studies but it just didn’t last. She seemed to have no friends, didn’t know who she was at university, and now she didn’t even know who she was at home either.
‘You’re a very good girl,’ he replied.
Mae felt perplexed at this, but her dad clearly thought that was the end of that as he told her to hurry up before she missed her train.
She stepped into the carriage that was full and took her seat by the aisle next to a boy listening to Eminem on his iPhone. The lump in her throat refused to budge because there was nothing she wanted more than to be sitting by the window – to turn her head away from the people shuffling in their seats, reading books, scanning their phones and eating crisps. She didn’t understand it. What did she have to be sad about, exactly? That she hadn’t made friends yet? That her sisters, who were all new mothers, were attentive to their babies? That even when they had asked her about university, they didn’t really pause to listen to her? It seemed so selfish of Mae. So frivolous. The old Mae would’ve just got on with things – forget that, these thoughts wouldn’t have even crossed her mind. What had happened to her? One of the few times that she had actually mentioned university she’d lied to her dad about her grades. Oh God, her grades. That was another thing that kept chomping at her sadness, turning it into anxiety. To think that her parents were helping her with uni costs, only for her grades to be sub-par. She’d have to do better. She had to try. It was when a poodle stopped by her feet and looked up at her with such doleful eyes that the lump seemed to burst and push the tears through her eyes.
‘I-I-I’m sorry,’ she gasped through her sobs.
The owner of the poodle, a man in his fifties wearing corduroys and a flat cap, sat on the aisle parallel to Mae. He didn’t seem to know what to do.
‘Would you like a tissue?’ he asked.
This just brought on a fresh wave of sobs as Mae nodded and he handed her a packet of Kleenex. She took one, blew her nose, and handed the rest of the packet back.
‘Keep them,’ he said.
‘Th-th-thank you,’ she managed to say.
The boy next to her just increased the volume of his music, angling his head towards the window.
‘Chocolate?’ the man asked, offering her a stick from his Kit Kat.
Mae shook her head as she put her hand out. ‘No, thank you.’
The man seemed confused at first, then pierced the foil and handed her two of the four fingers. The train pulled into the next stop and the man made a move to leave. As he got up he looked down at Mae and said: ‘Don’t you worry there. It’ll all be okay.’
With which he tugged on his poodle’s leash and left the train, dog in tow. Mae felt the heat on her face from the embarrassing tears that had just exploded and put her hands on her cheeks to try and cool them down. She took out her mirror.
‘Ugh.’
She leaned back and closed her eyes, wondering what had come over her. While she was at home she was convinced that everyone was being selfish, but maybe it was Mae who was self-involved? She even considered getting off at the next stop and going back to spend the rest of the Easter break with her family, as she’d first intended. Except she didn’t quite like the prospect of being shunted with the babies again. Cute as they were. Mae took a deep breath.
‘Pull yourself together,’ she whispered.
The boy next to her tutted and got up, walked to the next carriage and sat down there. Mae would’ve been offended if she wasn’t so glad to get the seat by the window. She shuffled over and got her mirror out again. A lot of people had got off at the previous stop, so the carriage was quieter. There was a man she noticed sitting diagonally opposite her who glanced at her as she took out her lip gloss. He had his phone in his hands, his fingers scrolling down the screen as if he was reading something. She applied the gloss, which didn’t really make much difference to her puffy eyes and face and as she decided to put concealer under her eyes she noticed the man with his phone looking her way and she wondered whether this was it. Maybe he found her attractive? Maybe he’d seen her crying on the train and felt sorry for her? Mae did what she’d never done before in her life: she crossed her legs, straightened her back and lengthened her neck in order to seem more attractive to him. He looked in his early thirties, which was old, but he wasn’t bad-looking. At nineteen years old, Mae had never had a boyfriend. She hadn’t even come close. A guy in high school had once asked her out and she was so horrified at the prospect that she told him he was gross and practically ran away from him. It made her feel bad because he wasn’t gross, and she did hope he hadn’t taken it personally, but he never did look her in the eye again. She blamed her parents and their upbringing. Having boyfriends was not allowed and Mae wasn’t a rock-the-boat type person. Today, however, felt different. Today she didn’t mind the idea of this random man looking at her. He could’ve maybe done with a shave and his eyes were kind of beady, plus the grey coat was too big for him but in that moment it was nice to be seen. She took out her kohl pencil and applied it in the rims of her eyes. The final touch was the blusher, which she brushed on maybe too vigorously, but she felt the overall effect wasn’t bad. In fact, she looked quite nice. Mae shut the mirror and took a deep breath as she glanced over at the man again. He was grinning now as he tapped on the phone and she felt a sense of unease. She watched as he scratched his head with his finger then looked under the fingernail, scraping whatever had gathered in there under his seat. Vom. Mae had to shake her head. First, she bursts into tears in public, then the next man that looks at her suddenly becomes a potential boyfriend. Boyfriend! Mae! As if.
‘Gross,’ she muttered as the man this time scratched the inside of his ear.
No, Mae had never been like Farah who only ever wanted to get married – and look how that worked out. Then there was Fatti who looked for love and found it with Ash. Despite the fear of her parents, she genuinely thought that she was more like Bubblee when it came to relationships. Just not that bothered. Like, whatever. Mae couldn’t help but feel now though that it would be nice to have someone to chill with, relax on her bed. Maybe in her bed. Her parents really would kill her if they even got a hint that the thought crossed her mind. Even Farah and Fatti wouldn’t approve, they were so traditional. Wasn’t that what university was about though? Living life? Doing things – even if you weren’t meant to do them? Her dad was right – she’d been a ‘good’ girl her whole life. Bubblee would scoff at that: Do you know how damaging it is to put women into these kinds of categories? As if exploring their identity in ways their families don’t agree with makes them bad. Mae knew she was quite attractive, she just never really made an effort, but maybe now it was time. She was nineteen, for God’s sake! She looked over at the man and realised now that actually he was kind of creepy. It didn’t matter, because the more she thought about it, the more it made sense: she would get back to university and make an effort to find a boyfriend and have a relationship. Somehow the idea of it felt easier than just making friends. People hooked up all the time at student bars so she’d just give that a go and see where it led. She imagined it was far easier to snog someone than have a conversation with them, so whatever. The fact of the matter was that she did not want to be alone any more, so she was going to buck up, stop complaining and make some changes. The train pulled into the next station as the creepy man got up and looked at her again, but this time there was disgust on his face and Mae’s heart thudded, unnerved by a look of such loathing. What the hell had she done to him? It took her a few more stops but she shrugged it off, told herself it was nothing, and anyway, who cared? Now she had a plan for university and it would change everything.
Sistaaaas
Mae: Got 2uni. Soz cudn’t stay longer.
Fatti: We miss you xxx
Bubblee: Join some organisations! I just signed up to one for modern female artists.
Farah: How much time will that take up?
Bubblee: Only once a month. And then some volunteering, but that’ll only be one weekend a month.
Farah: A whole weekend?? You have a baby, you know …
Ugh, Mae thought. Whatever she decided to do had to be better than what her sisters were doing, at least.
Chapter Three
‘How was the baby today?’ asked Bubblee, collapsing on the sofa. ‘Sorry I missed her bedtime.’
‘The baby has a name, you know,’ replied Farah.
Her back was turned as she washed up the last of the bottles and wiped her brow.
‘I know,’ sighed Bubblee. ‘I gave birth to her, remember?’
For a moment, Bubblee wondered if she should hang on to her annoyance about Farah’s constant digs, just for the sake of it, but she didn’t want to spend her energy combating disgruntled sisters. There were other places to spend it.
‘She was being a bit whiny but not so bad,’ replied Farah after a pause.