Designer of life: 70 golden rules of deep transformation. A practical guide to mindfulness. Will replace years of spiritual seeking
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• Ask yourself:
– “Why?”
– “What do I really want to get right now?”
Is it comfort? A break? A pleasant sensation? Try to honestly see the need hidden behind the habit.
• Now, knowing your true need, find a healthy way to satisfy it. Want a break? Instead of a cigarette, take 5 deep breaths or step outside for 2 minutes. Craving sweets due to stress? Instead of a pastry, drink a cup of fragrant herbal tea or eat a piece of fruit. The main thing is that the new habit should be simple, accessible, and enjoyable.
• If you slip up and return to the old habit – don’t scold yourself. It’s part of the process. Instead of beating yourself up, be as mindful as possible in that moment.
• Feel what is happening to your body and mood. This will help your brain understand more quickly that the old program no longer works.
Self-care is not selfishness; it’s a vital necessity. By giving up bad habits, you free up energy for more important and creative endeavors. Remember that you are the Creator of your Life, and only you can make it full and happy. Start by replacing old habits, and you will see how your Life changes for the better.
Rule 19. Everything You Do, You Do for Yourself
“Do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you.”
– Confucius
The essence of this rule is simple: every action you take, even the most altruistic, is ultimately aimed at satisfying your own inner need. When you help a friend, you do it because it’s important for you to be a good friend, because it’s unpleasant for you to see their suffering, and because helping another brings you a sense of satisfaction. When you concede in an argument, you do it to preserve a relationship that is important to you. Acknowledging this fact does not devalue your good deeds; on the contrary, it makes them a conscious choice, free from the expectation of gratitude. You stop waiting for something in return because you have already received your “reward” at the moment of the action – in the form of harmony with your own values.
This rule reflects one of the central ideas in the neuroscience of motivation, which was explored in detail by Antonio Damasio, a professor of neuroscience and the author of the somatic marker hypothesis. In his book Self Comes to Mind, he shows that the entire structure of our consciousness and decision-making is based on emotionally charged bodily signals that indicate what is beneficial or harmful to us as an organism and as a person.20
The author explains that our brain is an organ whose task is to constantly evaluate our internal state and direct our behavior to avoid pain and achieve well-being. This explains why even seemingly selfless acts (helping, caring) activate the pleasure centers in the brain: they align with our inner values and create a sense of security and wholeness.
Recognizing this rule radically changes your interaction with the world. You cease to be a victim or a rescuer and become the author of your life. In relationships, you stop saying, “I sacrificed everything for you!” You begin to understand, “I chose this relationship because this closeness was important to me.” This lifts the burden of resentment and gives you back the power of your choice. At work, when you help a colleague, you realize you are also doing it for yourself – to strengthen team spirit and create an atmosphere where you yourself will enjoy working. In conflicts, when you yield in an argument, you do it because the value of peace is higher for you than the value of being right. This transforms concession from a defeat into a wise decision.
When I do something for my loved ones, I do it not for someone to appreciate or praise me, but simply because it pleases me to see how my actions bring them joy. Herein lies the paradox: by acting “for yourself,” you can bring much more benefit to others than by trying to act “for them” out of a sense of duty.
To easily and effectively integrate this rule into your Life, I suggest a simple but very powerful cognitive reframing technique – “Conscious Choice”. It helps to shift unconscious actions from the “I have to” category to the “I choose to” category.
• Throughout the day, pay attention to situations where you feel internal resistance, irritation, or fatigue while doing something for others. It could be anything:
– “I have to call my parents.”
– “I need to go to this meeting.”
– “I am obligated to help my colleague.”
• In that moment, pause for a second and ask yourself one question:
– “What need of mine am I satisfying by doing this?”
Be brutally honest.
• Follow the chain of reasoning to the end. Here is an example:
– Situation: “I have to call my parents.”
– Question: “What need of mine am I satisfying?”
– Answer: “I want them not to worry.” → “Because when they worry, I feel anxious.” → True motive: “I am calling so that I can feel at peace.”
• Now that you know your true motive, replace “I have to” with “I choose to.”
– “I choose to call my parents because I care about my own peace of mind.”
This technique does not force you to stop helping others. It gives you back your power. You stop being a slave to circumstances and become a conscious Creator who acts based on personal values.
Making conscious decisions is a skill that requires time and practice. Don’t be discouraged if, at first, you find it difficult to distinguish your true desires from those imposed from the outside. Over time, you will stop feeling obligated to prove anything to anyone and will start living in accordance with your values.
Realizing that all your actions are done for yourself is not egoism; it is the key to authoring your own life. It is the recognition of a simple truth: you are the source and the ultimate recipient of everything that happens. This shift in perception frees you from the burden of resentment and expectations, turning a sense of duty into a conscious choice. You begin to act not for approval, but out of harmony with yourself. Remember: you are the center of your universe. By creating a Life for yourself, you will be surprised to find how the world reciprocates, and how your relationships with people become more honest and profound.
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