Hopelessly Devoted To You
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‘He will be all right, won’t he?’ she pleaded to the paramedics who were administering to Finn.
‘We’ll get him transferred to hospital where they can take a proper look at him. He’ll need some tests. He looks to have sustained a nasty head injury. Are you his next of kin?’
The man’s words filled Ruby’s heart with terror.
‘Oh, God, no. He’s not going to die, is he? I’m his girlfriend. We’re getting married,’ she said, tears filling her eyes, desperately wanting her words to be true, despite what she’d told Finn earlier. This was all her fault. If she’d never had that stupid conversation with him, then Finn wouldn’t be fighting for his life now. ‘His parents are his next of kin. I should let them know.’
‘Yes.’ The man nodded, directing his attention back to Finn, his cool and calm manner only adding to the deep pit of dread building in Ruby’s stomach. ‘We’ll be going to St Thomas’s,’ he told her as he worked efficiently and quietly with his colleague, transferring Finn’s body onto the stretcher, the small crowd of neighbours who’d gathered watching in stunned supportive silence as the paramedics manoeuvred Finn’s body down the remaining flights of stairs.
‘If you come with us in the ambulance, then you can let us have Finn’s details. Tell us exactly what happened.’
‘Yes, yes, of course. I’ll phone his mum on the way.’
***
‘Ruby, darling! How is he?’
Seeing Jan and Gerry dash into ICU, their concerned faces looking towards Ruby for an explanation, brought to the surface the emotion she’d been trying to contain ever since Finn’s accident.
‘Oh, Jan, I don’t know.’ She fell into the older woman’s embrace, feeling the tears running down her cheeks. ‘He’s just come back from a scan. The doctors are in with him now. Do you want to go in?’
‘Mr and Mrs McRae?’ The young doctor turned to greet them, a neutral expression on her face. Ruby shuffled in behind them. ‘I’m Dr Anderson, the senior ITU consultant. We’ve just had the results of Finn’s MRI and CT scans back. He would appear not to have suffered any fractures in his body, just heavy bruising. What we are more concerned about though is the head injury he has sustained. The scan shows some heavy swelling and bruising.’
Jan gasped, looking at Gerry, who took hold of her arm urgently.
‘What does that mean? What are the implications?’ he asked.
‘It’s too early to say. We won’t know the extent of the damage until the swelling has subsided and so, I’m afraid, at the moment, it’s a “wait-and-see” scenario. Finn will be transferred to the neurological department where they can keep a closer eye on him and run further tests.’
‘When do you think he’ll wake up?’ asked Ruby in a small voice.
‘Again it’s a bit too soon to say. For the moment, he’ll be kept in an induced coma and closely monitored. Obviously as soon as there’s any change in Finn’s condition then we’ll let you know immediately.’
‘He will be all right, won’t he? Eventually, I mean.’
‘We’ll do everything we can,’ she said, with a tight smile, which did nothing to allay Ruby’s fears. The doctor’s unsaid words were so much more potent and chilling than anything she’d actually said. ‘You’ll be able to stay with Finn, of course, but just be aware it’s going to be a little while yet before we know any more information about Finn’s condition.’
When the doctor left the room Gerry gathered the two tearful women close in a hug. Ruby fell onto the big man’s chest. She loved Finn’s parents; they were the only real family she had now. Gerry was just like his son: big, strong and capable, the type of man who could make any situation right. As Finn could. Only this was a situation out of all their control. Gerry leaned backwards, his moistened eyes looking from his wife to Ruby, his hands gently squeezing each of their shoulders in a gesture of encouragement.
‘Now, come on, you two. You heard what the doctor said. It’s early days yet. We need to be strong for Finn. He’s going to need us when he wakes up and he will wake up, I have no doubt about that. This is a setback, but Finn’s a fighter. We all know that. He never does anything by halves, that’s for sure,’ he said, shaking his head and smiling ruefully.
Jan sniffed back her tears and rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands.
‘How did it happen, Ruby?’
She sighed, a huge swell of emotion filling every pore of her body. She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to be reminded of those awful events.
‘I don’t know. It all happened so quickly. We’d had dinner together. Finn had just left—he was on his way home. He turned to say something to me at the top of the stairs and then I think he must have lost his footing. It was awful. He just fell down the stairs.’
It was a version of the truth, her version of the truth, but she knew it didn’t come close to explaining to Finn’s parents what had really happened. The guilt she felt threatened to swamp her.
She couldn’t tell them the truth. Not now. Not here. Not when Finn was fighting for his life in the next-door room. If they knew what really had happened, that Finn’s perilous condition was down to her callous and selfish behaviour, then they might tell her to leave. They’d be perfectly within their rights to. It was nothing less than she deserved, but she didn’t want that to happen.
Finn needed her. He might have hated her the moment he’d walked out of her flat door, but neither of them could have foreseen the tragic set of circumstances that had been about to unfold. As far as she was concerned, that awful toe-curling, cringe-inducing conversation with Finn had never happened. There was absolutely no need to mention it to Jan and Gerry.
‘Gosh, darling. And you saw it all? You poor thing.’ Jan squeezed her even tighter, and Ruby suddenly found the room short of air. Her breath came in short gasps; her body shuddered as the tears she’d been suppressing bubbled to the surface.
‘It’s all my fault!’
‘What? How can it be your fault, Ruby? I don’t understand.’
‘If Finn hadn’t come round tonight then none of this would ever have happened.’ Her words were lost in a torrent of sobs. ‘I am so sorry. I really didn’t want for any of this. I never meant…’
‘Of course you didn’t.’ Jan put an arm around Ruby’s shoulders, patting her on the hand in a reassuring manner, putting a halt to Ruby’s faltering explanation.
‘None of this is your fault, Ruby. It’s just one of those things. A twist of fate. A freak accident.’
They both turned to look at Finn’s body on the bed, the plethora of equipment around him a constant beeping reminder that it was the only thing keeping him alive. But for how long? Would Finn ever wake up and be the same man she’d known and adored? She sighed, her gaze travelling out of the small window overlooking the city.
‘There’s no point blaming yourself,’ Jan went on. ‘Finn wouldn’t want that. He’ll tell you that just as soon as he’s back with us. You’ll see.’
Would he? wondered Ruby. She was probably the last person in the world Finn would want to see when he woke up. The expression on his face when he’d turned to look at her just before his fateful fall, a look that was now etched on her mind, suggested that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her ever again.
‘I’ll stay with him tonight, if that’s all right? I’d like to be there when he wakes up.’
‘Of course. You can stay as long as you like. I expect we’ll be here too.’ Gerry laid his hand on her shoulder. ‘But you heard what the doctor said. I have a suspicion that it could be a little while before Finn comes round. We might want to take turns at Finn’s bedside for a few days at least. Why don’t you get home, Ruby, and try and get some rest? We can phone you if there’s any change in his condition.’
‘I don’t want to leave him. What if…?’ Her words trailed away, not wanting to voice the terror of her fears that had been playing over and over in her mind.
‘I know you don’t, but honestly there’s nothing you can do here.’ Gerry’s tone was warmly reassuring. She could imagine Finn saying the same thing if he were here in Gerry’s place. What wouldn’t she give to have Finn at her side now, offering his usual, solid presence?
‘Look, we’ll stay with him tonight. And we promise, if there’s even the slightest change, we’ll give you a call. Why don’t you come back in the morning and do the day shift? You’ve had a tough couple of hours. You look as though you could do with catching up on your sleep.’ He stroked her cheek tenderly and she felt her eyes fill with tears again.
Now he mentioned it, Ruby realised how utterly exhausted she felt. She looked down at Finn, her heart filling with sadness. He looked beautiful. If it weren’t for all the tubes and the unfamiliar surroundings, she could just imagine that he was lying in her double bed, sleeping in on one of their lazy weekend mornings. She suppressed a sigh. Whatever happened to Finn now, she knew there’d be no more of those special mornings; her actions tonight had put paid to that, one way or the other.
‘You promise you’ll call me?’
‘Of course we will.’ Gerry took hold of her hand with one of his, and slipped his other hand into his wife’s palm, gently squeezing their fingers in a show of strength and unity. She knew they must both be experiencing the same sense of fear and desolation that she was feeling. Finn was their only child. The light in their lives. If that light were to go out, Ruby knew there’d only be one person to blame. Even if they could ever find it in their hearts to forgive her, she knew she’d never be able to forgive herself.
Chapter Four
Ruby climbed out of the taxi, paid the driver and stood looking up at her block of flats, contemplating for a moment at how unremarkable the building appeared. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she hadn’t been prepared for how normal everything looked after what had been an earth-shattering event to Ruby. Why hadn’t the bricks crumbled? Why were the lights still shining inside? How come people were still going about their business as though none of this had ever happened? Ruby’s life had spun on its axis, yet life seemed to be going on as normal for everyone else.
‘Ru-bee!’ The shriek came from across the other side of the road and Ruby turned to see Laura waving, running towards her, a big smile on her face. ‘Hi, darling, where have you been? I’ve been knocking on your door for the last ten minutes and you’ve not been picking up your mobile. I was getting worried. Thought you might have bottled out again and disappeared into the sunset with Finn.’ Laura’s sunny expression clouded as soon as she got close to Ruby. ‘Oh, God, you look like death! What’s the matter? What’s happened? Did it not go well?’
‘No, Laura. It didn’t go well. It was awful, just awful.’
Ruby was shaking now, her teeth chattering, her whole body finally giving into the enormity of what had happened.
‘Crikey, look at you,’ said Laura, taking her jacket off and placing it round Ruby’s shoulders. ‘You’re shivering. Let’s get you inside and you can tell me all about it.’
‘I can imagine how bad it was.’ Laura steered her through the double doors of the apartment block out of the cold. ‘But at least you’ve done it now. It was never going to be easy, but you’ll feel better about it after a good night’s sleep. Honestly, you will.’
She had no idea, thought Ruby. No idea, whatsoever. At the moment she couldn’t imagine a time when she would ever feel better about it. She wasn’t sure she could even face telling Laura what had happened, having to go over all the gory details for another time. They walked together up the three flights of stairs, with Ruby trying to eradicate on one side the soothing words coming from her worried friend and, on the other side, the images tormenting her mind of Finn’s helpless body tumbling down the stairs. Breathless and heady when she reached her flat, she fumbled with the key in her door, desperate to get inside and away from the unwelcome reminders in the hallway.
She fell into the flat followed by Laura, who Ruby knew was doing her best not to bombard Ruby with a dozen questions.
As soon as she was inside Ruby’s legs gave way beneath her and she leant against the nearest wall for support, her body slinking down to the floor. All the anger and energy she’d been holding onto flooded out in a tumble of tears.
Laura crouched down onto her haunches beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
‘Come on, Ruby. You can’t sit here. Come through into the living room. I’ll make you a cup of tea. Have you had anything to eat?’
Ruby rolled her eyes in the direction of the dinner table.
‘Oh, yes, of course. I’d forgotten about that. Well, maybe a coffee, then,’ she said, clocking the empty wine bottles.
Ruby fell onto the sofa, dropping her head onto a cushion and drawing her knees up to her chin. She stayed in that position for a few minutes before Laura reappeared with the coffees and a plate of biscuits. Unfortunately, heartbreak had never put Ruby off her food, only causing the opposite effect, and she eagerly helped herself to a Hobnob.
‘So, come on, then. Do you want to tell me what happened?’
Through tears Ruby told her the sequence of events. Hearing her own words and seeing Laura’s horrified expression at the unfolding of the story, she still could hardly believe it herself. It had gone from an almost romantic dinner à deux to Finn fighting for his life within a few moments.
‘I can’t believe it.’ Laura buried her head in her hands. ‘Not Finn. It doesn’t seem possible. What did the doctors say?’
‘He’s in a coma. They’re not sure of the extent of the damage he’s done to his brain. They won’t know that until he wakes up. If he wakes up…’
Laura visibly flinched before jumping up from her seat and throwing her arms round Ruby in a bear-crushing hug. ‘Of course, he’ll wake up. We have to be positive about this. He’s a fit, strong man. He’s had a nasty fall, that’s all. A couple of days and he’ll be sitting up in bed charming the socks off all the nurses.’
‘I don’t know,’ sighed Ruby, at last voicing the fear that had been residing in her heart ever since Finn had landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. ‘I’m not sure I share your confidence. The doctors were very cagey about his prognosis. This is all my fault, you know that.’
‘Don’t be silly.’ Laura delved into her jacket pocket and pulled out a grotty used tissue, using it to mop the tears from Ruby’s eyes.
‘You mustn’t blame yourself. You weren’t to know this would happen. Honestly, Ruby, you have nothing to feel guilty about.’
‘I do blame myself though. Wouldn’t you know, the day I choose to tell him we’re finished is the day he’s offered a partnership at his firm?’
‘Really?’ Laura grimaced. ‘Oh, no!’
‘I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should never have done it.’ She fell silent for a moment before casting her gaze at Laura. ‘I wish you hadn’t talked me into doing it.’
‘Woah, wait a minute!’ Laura sat up straight on the sofa, pulled her shoulders back and turned to face Ruby. ‘I’m really sorry for what’s happened to Finn, but don’t you dare go laying the blame on me. I didn’t ask you to do it. This is what you wanted, Ruby. Or have you forgotten that? What about all those late-night conversations we had? About whether or not Finn was the one. I think you came to the pretty decisive conclusion that he wasn’t.’
‘I know, I know.’ She tipped her head back against the sofa, exasperation colouring her words. ‘I’m sorry, but I think I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. The last thing I wanted was for Finn to be hurt like this. I know it sounds stupid, but I didn’t think he’d be that upset. Finn’s not the type of man to be on his own for long. I thought he’d walk away, nursing his wounded pride, and then a few months down the line he’d meet another lawyer type, someone he could live out his happy ever after with. Now not only have I given him a broken heart, he’s got a broken head too.’
Laura’s mouth twisted in a smile.
‘Look, it’s happened and all the talking in the world isn’t going to change that. You’re just going to have to deal with the here and now, both of you.’
Ruby sighed, her bones aching with exhaustion, her skin now free of the make-up she’d applied earlier, all the tears she’d shed having wiped her face clean. Her eyelids closed involuntarily, but immediately her mind was flooded by thoughts of Finn’s accident. Her eyes pinged open again; she didn’t want to face those images yet. She felt a warm surge of gratitude that Laura was here, looking at her fondly.
‘You look lovely,’ she said, noticing for the first time that Laura was wearing a floral floaty dress and only just realising the significance of such a rare event. ‘Oh, my goodness, your date! How did it go?’
Laura shrugged and rolled her eyes heavenwards.
‘It was a disaster. Yep, I know, another one. I’m coming to expect nothing less.’
‘Really? I thought you had high hopes for…what was his name…Max?’
She nodded.
‘I did, but I didn’t like him.’ She shuddered and pulled a face. ‘He did this weird thing of talking in different voices. He would just change accent mid-conversation. It was part of his act apparently, but over a get-to-know-you drink it was all a bit odd. It was as though he had multiple-personality disorder.’
‘Blimey. I guess there are some strange people out there.’
‘I know! And I think I’ve dated most of them now.’ She sighed and stretched her arms out in front of her. ‘Still, I reckon my luck has to change soon.’
‘Too true. Mr Perfect will be out there waiting for you somewhere.’
‘You reckon? Well, I really hope it doesn’t take too long to find him. I’m getting a bit fed up now with the dating lark. Having to look lovely and be scintillating company each night gets a bit wearing after a while. Although sometimes I wonder why I bother. It’s not as though my dates go to the same amount of trouble.’ She gave a rueful smile, looking across at Ruby. ‘Funny to think I’m putting all this time and effort into finding my Mr Perfect and you’ve been doing your best to get rid of yours.’
‘You make it sound as though I’ve been deliberately trying to finish Finn off.’
Laura quirked an eyebrow and pursed her lips together in a look of mischievousness.
‘Well, I did wonder if you pushed him down those stairs.’
‘Laura! That’s a terrible thing to say!’
‘I’m only teasing you. Finn will be all right, I’m sure of it.’
Ruby sighed, wishing she could share in Laura’s positivity.
‘Do you really think so? But what if he’s not all right, Laura? What if he dies? Or if he stays in a coma for the rest of his life? If he does wake up he might be brain damaged and need twenty-four-hour care.’ She scrunched the hair at her temples between her fingers. ‘Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? To think that I’m the one responsible for Finn’s condition. It’s horrible. No, whatever happens now, I’m determined to stand by Finn. To see him through all this. I owe him that much at least.’
‘Oh, God! I hadn’t thought of that.’ Now it was Laura’s turn to sigh dramatically. ‘Wouldn’t that be an awful twist of fate? To think that you finally get round to dumping your boyfriend only then to be chained to him for an entire lifetime because of a freak accident that leaves you feeling indebted to him out of a sense of guilt.’ She shuddered exaggeratedly. ‘It’s like the plotline of a Hollywood blockbuster!’
‘Would you just stop it, Laura? You’re not helping—you’re not helping at all. This is my life we’re talking about here. Not a film. And this morning, apart from the small matter of having to dump my boyfriend, my life was looking pretty damn good and now in the space of a few hours it’s all crumbled around me. If Finn doesn’t wake up, I don’t know how I’ll ever live with myself.’
‘Look, obviously that’s the worst-case scenario,’ said Laura, trying to drag Ruby out of the pit of despair she’d helped to create. ‘It probably won’t come to that. And besides now is not the time to make any rash decisions. He’ll probably come round in a few days’ time, if not sooner, probably tomorrow, I bet, and then everything will be fine again. Everything will be back to normal.’
‘Yes,’ said Ruby, nodding her head maniacally as though if she did that enough times it might actually make it come true.
‘Yes,’ said Laura, joining her in the nodding frenzy. ‘Everything will be absolutely fine.’
They both did more of the nodding thing, although neither of the girls were doing a good job of convincing the other that they actually believed any of it.
Chapter Five
‘Hello!’ The next morning Ruby eased open the door of Finn’s room, her heart pounding in her chest, desperate to see him and yet not really wanting to find out what was waiting for her on the other side.
She’d fallen asleep almost immediately last night after Laura had put her into bed, but she’d awoken again three hours later and had spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, the memory of Finn’s body tumbling down the stairs playing over and over in her mind. She’d thought about getting up and making a cup of tea, but she hadn’t wanted to disturb Laura, who’d insisted on staying over and was sleeping on the sofa.
Now, though, her lack of sleep was firing her veins, the surroundings of the hospital seeming reassuring and terrifying in equal measure.
‘Hello, love.’ Gerry stirred in the armchair next to Finn’s bed, when Ruby entered the room. His eyes, the same deep searching blue eyes as his son’s, flickered open. ‘I think I must have nodded off.’
‘Where’s Jan?’ Ruby asked, looking around and lowering her voice as though she didn’t want to wake Finn when in fact she longed for the very opposite.
‘I told her to go home. To make some phone calls and then to get some rest. There’s no point in us both sitting here staring morosely at Finn. She’s going to come in this evening and stay overnight.’
‘Oh, okay. Has there been any change?’ She looked at Finn, already knowing the answer.
Gerry shook his head and gave a wry smile.
‘I don’t really expect there to be yet. Perhaps we’ll find out more today.’ He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. ‘What about you? Did you manage to get any sleep?’
‘A little, although I kept waking up thinking about the accident. You just wonder, don’t you? If only Finn hadn’t come round last night or if we’d met in a restaurant instead of at the flat or if he’d left just a little bit earlier or a little bit later, then maybe none of this would ever have happened.’
‘Don’t torment yourself over it, Ruby. This really isn’t your fault. It’s just one of those things. And we can’t change what’s happened. We just have to deal with the here and now.’
‘Yes, of course.’ She didn’t expect anything else other than Gerry’s positivity. Like Finn, he wasn’t one for soul-searching or navel-gazing, he just dealt in plain facts, but she wondered whether in the dark of the night, alone with his only son, he’d entertained any of the terrifying thoughts that she’d been wrestling.
‘Come on, come here and give me a hug.’ He held out his hands to her and she gladly walked into the safety of his embrace. She rested her head on his chest, imagining that his solid, firm body belonged to Finn.
‘He will be all right, won’t he, Gerry?’
‘Hey!’ He pulled back from their embrace, his hands resting on her upper arms, the sincerity in his eyes shining through. ‘Are you kidding? Of course, he’s going to be all right. He has to be. I’ve always had an instinct as far as Finn is concerned and every instinct in my body is telling me that he’s going to pull through this. Whatever Finn has to face in the coming days and weeks, we’ll be there to help him through it, won’t we?’
Ruby nodded mutely, that familiar gnawing sensation of guilt stirring in her stomach. Should she tell him? Wouldn’t this be the ideal opportunity, alone with Finn’s father, to tell him how she’d invited his son over for one reason alone: to give him the news that she didn’t want to marry him any more? She should let him know that Finn hadn’t left her flat in a good frame of mind, but had been barely keeping a lid on his anger when he’d strode away from her front door. His mind had been distracted when he’d taken that fateful first step down the stairs that sent him crashing to the floor. Didn’t Gerry and Jan have a right to know all that?