I Have No Secrets

10

At last we’re home and I’m glad to be inside in the warm. My worries slip away and my head feels better. I enjoy a peaceful five minutes in the lounge before I hear a wailing sound from outside. Mum’s key is in the door and the wailing gets louder.

‘Come on, inside,’ Mum is telling Olivia. I hear Finn run past and up the stairs. I think he finds Olivia’s tantrums as painful as I do.

‘It wasn’t my fault! That boy pushed in front of me!’ Olivia blubs.

‘You didn’t have to hit him, though, did you?’ Mum says.

Olivia has thrown herself on the floor and is kicking and screaming at the top of her voice, while Mum tries to calm her down. I wish I could yell and kick like that.

Mum and Olivia eventually go upstairs and the screaming becomes more distant.

By dinner time Olivia’s calmed down. I’m still not hungry, though. Sarah realises this when the food she’s spooning into my mouth just sits there and doesn’t go down.

‘Oh, Jem, you’re really not well, are you? I’ll take your temperature again.’

I don’t have a high temperature, which she soon finds out. After dinner, she leaves me in the lounge with Olivia and Finn. They are changed, ready for bed and watching TV in their dressing gowns. They look cosy and cute, curled up either end of the sofa. It’s 101 Dalmations and I’m half watching too, though I’m not really interested. We’ve seen it loads of times.

Someone’s at the front door and I hear Dad go to open it.

And I hear Dan’s voice.

He’s here again.

‘I was just passing and I wondered if I could have a quick word with Sarah,’ Dan says. ‘It won’t take long, I promise.’

I wish Dad would just tell him to clear off.

‘I’ll call her,’ Dad says.

Dad leaves Dan waiting in the hall and goes to look for Sarah. But of course Dan doesn’t stay there. I hear his breathing as he comes into the living room. I will him to leave me alone.

‘Hiya, Jemma,’ he says.

Olivia jumps and looks up from the telly. Finn’s eyes stay firmly fixed on the screen, as if he’s heard nothing.

‘What are you doing here?’ Olivia asks Dan.

‘Just popped in to see Sarah,’ Dan tells her.

‘You’re always popping in,’ Olivia comments. ‘Do you love her?’

I laugh. It comes out as a snort.

I’m curious to see how Dan reacts.

He doesn’t answer straight away.

Then, ‘Yes, I love her,’ he says. He says it like he actually means it.

Olivia giggles. ‘D’you wanna see me dance?’ she asks.

Dan moves round and I see him nod. ‘Go on, then.’ He looks longingly at the door. Maybe he wishes he’d stayed in the hall.

Olivia turns off the telly. Finn continues staring at the blank TV screen while she puts on some ballet music. She takes off her dressing gown and begins to dance in her pink pyjamas. Her steps are in perfect time, her toes pointed. Dan claps and she is delighted with the attention.

Then Sarah comes in.

‘Dan wanted to see me dance,’ Olivia tells her.

‘She’s good too,’ says Dan.

Olivia beams, hanging on to Dan’s arm. ‘He loves you,’ she tells Sarah. ‘I know cos he told me.’

Sarah smiles at Dan. ‘What’s up? It’s not the best time . . .’

He untangles himself from Olivia, pulls Sarah into his arms and kisses her – as if that is the answer to her question.

Olivia watches, standing right next to them. She giggles loudly again. ‘D’you want me to kiss you like that, Finn?’ She flings herself on to the sofa and pushes her lips towards him teasingly. Finn ducks and dashes upstairs.

‘Can we go somewhere more private?’ Dan asks. ‘Only for a minute. I won’t keep you from your work.’

He heads past me towards the door and I watch anxiously as Sarah follows. She moves quickly out of sight, but I can still hear her in the hallway, telling him we bumped into Billy. They must have moved further away or lowered their voices because I don’t hear any more.

Olivia watches them go too and turns to me, her face sullen. She didn’t want them to go off to talk ‘in private’ any more than I did. She starts practising her dance in front of me. I think she’s hoping to dance for Dan again before he goes. I hope he goes soon.

I watch Olivia dance. She looks almost angelic with her long wavy blonde hair, loose now after her bath, though usually tied back in a ponytail or plait.

She was in five different foster homes before she came here. Five! I can’t begin to imagine that. She’s lucky Mum and Dad have so much patience and can cope with her.

I hear Sarah and Dan in the hall. And so does Olivia. She stops mid-twirl and dashes out of the room. The front door clicks before she can get there and her screams pierce through the house as she yells at Sarah for not letting her say goodbye to Dan.

It takes Sarah at least five minutes to calm her down. ‘Come on, Olivia, time for bed,’ Sarah says in the end. I can still hear the occasional muted sob.

My head is pounding from the screaming. Olivia’s music is still playing and that doesn’t help either.

I sit waiting. The music finally comes to a stop. The house is peaceful at last. I am drifting off. My headache dulls from a throb to a slight pulsing. I’m hoping that when Sarah comes to put me to bed, she’ll tell me what Dan said – why he came.

Dad comes in after putting Finn to bed and puts the TV on, turning me so I am facing it.

‘Mastermind ’s on,’ he says. ‘Let’s see how many we can answer.’

The first chosen subject is Agatha Christie. I can actually answer lots of the questions. I even get one right that the man in the chair gets wrong.

Mum comes in eventually and flops down on the sofa next to Dad. Dad puts his arm round her. Mum’s mobile rings. Dad sighs as Mum pulls it from her cardigan pocket.

‘Hello, Paula,’ Mum says. ‘How are you, love?’ There’s a long pause. ‘Really? Well that’s encouraging!’

‘What did she say?’ Dad asks, after Mum puts away her phone.

‘The police had a lot of calls after Crimewatch. Apparently they’ve been questioning someone today.’

‘Let’s hope he’s the one,’ says Dad. ‘It would be good to know he’s off the streets.’

Sarah is unusually quiet as she gets me ready for bed. Most likely Olivia has worn her out. Or maybe it’s what Dan said to her in private when he came round. It couldn’t have been Dan the police were questioning, could it? Was he telling Sarah he’s a suspect? Sarah is quiet, but she doesn’t seem shocked or upset. Then again, she’s under Dan’s spell, like everyone else, so I’m sure he could’ve convinced her that he had nothing to do with it. I wish she would talk to me.

11

Sarah is still quiet when she dresses me on Sunday morning. She doesn’t mention Dan. Mum and Dad say nothing more about Ryan or the man the police questioned. Everyone is busy getting ready for Finn’s sixth birthday.

Finn doesn’t like balloons, but Dad has found some ‘Happy Birthday’ bunting with alternating blue and yellow triangles. Finn is oblivious to the specialness of the day, and has no interest in the birthday cards so Olivia opens them for him. Finn is more interested in the coloured envelopes, and proceeds to line them up neatly across the floor. I watch him and at one point he looks up at me and meets my eyes. Although neither of us can speak, I feel close to Finn. I always have. I sense that he likes me watching him.

Mum and Olivia bake a cake. I enjoy the bustle in the kitchen and the lovely baking smells, especially the smell of melted chocolate, which Mum lets me taste from a spoon. Olivia is happy and doing what Mum tells her for a change. Mum is so patient with her, even when she spills a load of sugar on the floor. While the cake’s in the oven, Sarah takes Olivia for a walk to the shops and they come back with bags of little sweets and chocolate buttons to decorate it with. Olivia is ecstatic. Once the cake has cooled, Mum ices it with buttercream and Olivia lines up the sweets and chocolate buttons in neat rows saying, ‘Finn will like it like that.’ She puts the candles in a line across the middle.

‘It looks great,’ she announces, and rubs her tummy. ‘Yum, yum!’

‘You’ll have to wait until teatime,’ Mum warns, but once she’s left the room Olivia stays next to the cake, staring at it greedily.

She looks thoughtful, then carefully takes three chocolate buttons and three sweets from each row and moves the others along to cover the gaps. She stuffs the ones she’s taken into her mouth.

Mum comes back before Olivia can do it again.

Soon it’s time for Finn to open his presents. Dad showed me his present when he bought it and I’ve been looking forward to seeing Finn’s reaction. We all sit in the living room and watch as Finn opens the stripy wrapping paper parcel. He pulls out a huge box of matchsticks.

They’re not matches you light – but ones people use to make model ships with and things like that. There’s a picture of one on the box. When Dad showed me I didn’t get it at first – I couldn’t see Finn making model ships. But then Dad took out a few matchsticks and lined them up. Dad understands Finn.

Finn examines the box, opens it and tips all the matchsticks out. A huge beam spreads across his face. Finn rarely smiles and I have never seen a smile as big as this. I catch Dad’s eye – his grin is as big as Finn’s. Finn gets busy making a line of matchsticks that stretches the length of the living room.

‘Don’t give me matchsticks when it’s my birthday, will you?’ says Olivia.

Dad laughs.

We go into the kitchen and Mum lights the candles on the cake, but Finn is still lining up his matchsticks and won’t come in. In the end, Mum brings the cake carefully into the living room and Mum, Dad, Sarah and Olivia sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Finn doesn’t even look up, but I feel suddenly happy, with the brightness of the candles and the warmth of my family around me.

‘You can blow the candles out for him,’ Mum tells Olivia, and Olivia jumps up and down with excitement.

We go back to the kitchen to eat the cake, which is delicious, and Mum keeps a piece for Finn to have later.

Two hours after Finn opened the present, he and I are alone in the living room. Finn has moved on from lining the matchsticks up along the wall. He is now arranging them in what looks like a big square around my wheelchair – though I can only see part of it. It definitely has at least two right angles. I sense he is enclosing me completely. Now and then he looks at me and meets my eyes as if seeking my approval. I have never seen Finn make eye contact with anyone apart from me. I like being the centre of his play – I feel alive and connected in a way that is rare for me. I think Finn has completed one square as he is now starting a second one, right around the first. He has never made anything but straight lines before.

I hope Dad will come in – he’s going to be so impressed. I hear footsteps, but it’s Olivia who comes round in front of me and my heart sinks. She sometimes messes up Finn’s neat lines deliberately and I don’t think she’ll understand.

She gasps. ‘Wow, Finn! That’s amazing.’

She gets it! I am stunned and feel a bit guilty for assuming she wouldn’t. Then I hear her calling, ‘You lot, come and see! Come and see what Finn’s done!’

That’s exactly what I wanted to do. Sometimes it happens like that – I know what I want people to do and they do it – and it feels a bit like I can control things, just for a moment. Olivia’s thrilled to be the one who shares the news. Sarah appears first, then Mum and Dad.

They gather round and all ‘Wow!’ over what Finn has done. Dad tells him it’s brilliant and the others agree. I see Mum squeeze Dad’s hand and they share a smile. Finn continues, apparently oblivious, but I am sure he is pleased.

In this moment I feel full of love for them all: Mum, Dad, Sarah, Finn – and even Olivia. I don’t want anything to change.

12

I was on a high after Finn’s birthday until the morning when I remembered about the college visit on Wednesday. Sarah’s already started packing my bag. We’re going to stay overnight – Mum, Sarah and me – in a hotel. I am looking forward to having Mum and Sarah to myself for twenty-four hours, even though I can’t get rid of the worry about being sent away.

I’m trying to focus on the professor and the possibility of communication rather than the idea of actually going to Carlstone, so I feel calmer. But as the day goes on, I sense something isn’t right. I’ve got a pain in my back and my lower tummy. I might have an infection. That’s happened before and it can get really bad if no one notices.

As Sarah wheels me into the kitchen at dinner time I hear Mum telling Dad that the police have charged the man they were questioning.

‘That’s good news,’ says Sarah. ‘Who was it? Do they know why he did it?’

‘Why who did what?’ Olivia demands, coming in.

Mum gives Sarah a look as if she shouldn’t be asking such things in front of Olivia, which is a bit unfair as Olivia’s only just sneaked in and it was Mum who brought it up. I want to know more details too, but Dad changes the subject and starts marvelling about Finn’s amazing matchstick squares again. It’s so frustrating.

Olivia glowers. Everyone tenses. She’s like a lit firework that’ll go off with a bang at any moment.

Dad tries to distract her by asking her what she’d like for her birthday. She turns to him, her eyes wide with excitement. It’s not her birthday for three months, but this doesn’t seem to matter as she takes a deep breath and starts to reel off a very long list. A TV for her room, an iPad, a bigger doll’s house. Then Olivia adds, ‘That’s if I’m still here.’

Mum and Dad look at her in astonishment. ‘Of course you’ll still be here, love,’ says Dad. ‘This is your home. You’re not going anywhere.’

‘I’m not sure I can promise you any of those things for your birthday, though,’ Mum adds quickly, catching Dad’s eye. ‘You’ll have to wait and see.’

I suddenly realise that Olivia can rarely have had more than one birthday in one place. It must be hard for her to trust that she’s really here to stay.

At least Dad’s successfully distracted her from Sarah’s question about the murder suspect. I’m still thinking about it, though. Who have the police charged? If it’s Dan then Sarah will surely know soon. Or is it someone else altogether?

During the night I kept thinking about it until the pain in my stomach got so bad that I was only thinking about that. Now it’s there all the time rather than coming and going. I was willing Sarah to notice this morning, as I can usually rely on her to pick up on it when something’s not right. But she seemed distracted.

At school I am uncomfortable all day. Then something happens that stops me thinking about the pain altogether. About an hour after we get home Mum asks where Finn is. No one can find him.

Mum is looking upstairs, Dad downstairs and Sarah the garden. Olivia is ‘helping’ but clearly getting bored. Dad’s searched every cupboard, including the one under the stairs, twice.

Mum comes down. Her hair is all over the place and her eyes panicky. ‘He’s not here,’ she mutters. ‘He must have gone outside. He’s not here!’

Dad soothes her, stroking her back. ‘He’s around here somewhere, I’m sure of it. You know how good he is at hiding. He can’t open the front door.’

‘Maybe he slipped out when someone opened it,’ says Mum. She puts her hand to her mouth. ‘I went out the back to put some rubbish out. Could he have got out then?’

‘He’s not in the garden, though,’ says Dad, ‘and you didn’t unlock the gate, did you? He’s not tall enough to climb over the gate without standing on something.’

‘Finn?’ Mum calls. She‘s trying to sound calm but there’s a rough edge to her voice. ‘Come on out, love! You’re definitely the hide-and-seek winner.’

Mum and Dad are quiet, waiting, listening. There’s a sound on the stairs. Mum dashes round the banister . . .

‘Oh – Olivia! No sign of Finn?’

‘He’s probably gone out and walked into the road,’ Olivia announces. ‘He’s got no idea how to cross roads, has he?’

I hear Mum let out a gasp.

‘That’s enough, Olivia,’ says Dad.

‘I’ve been looking for him,’ Olivia protests. ‘Looking and looking. Just as hard as everyone else – except Jemma.’ She’s come into view now and gives a glance in my direction.

I am sitting in the lounge, facing out towards the hallway. I have been sitting like this the whole time, facing the cupboard under the stairs – the cupboard where Finn has been hiding for over an hour. I know he’s there. I saw him go in. He must be curled up so far into the dark back corner that Dad’s two expeditions inside have failed to reveal him.

Dad goes out to walk the streets, though I’m sure he still thinks that Finn is in the house.

‘He’ll turn up,’ Sarah assures Mum.

‘You’re sure nothing happened – nothing that upset him?’ Mum asks Sarah.

I look at Sarah’s face. Although she helps out with Finn and Olivia her job is caring for me. Mum’s not being fair.

‘I told you,’ Sarah says crossly, ‘he seemed fine to me – he was lining up cars in his room.’ Sarah looks like she’s going to cry. I want to tell her Mum’s just worried and doesn’t blame her really.

When Dad comes back Mum wants to call the police. Dad wants to wait. They argue. Mum starts really shouting. It’s awful. If only I could tell them. If only Finn would come out. I try to make a noise – gurgling noises that turn into, ‘Ugghh ugghh.’

Dad then blames Mum for upsetting me. I’ve just made things worse.

Sarah comes to comfort me. ‘Don’t worry, Finn will be fine,’ she assures me.

In the end Dad phones the police.

I know that Finn must be able to hear this. He knows who the police are, though I’m not sure if he understands enough to realise the worry he’s causing.

I wonder why he’s hiding. He only does it when he’s really stressed out. Once he hid when his teacher was off sick and he didn’t like the supply teacher. Perhaps the packing has upset him and he’s worried about us being away. That must be it.

Last time he was found after twenty minutes. He was at the back of Mum and Dad’s wardrobe, behind the shoe rack.

Dad says the police are on their way. Mum calls social services too. They have to know he is missing. I feel so sorry for Mum. I’m sure she’s worried they’ll think she’s not looking after us properly.

The doorbell rings.

‘That was quick,’ says Mum, rushing to answer.

I hear a voice I don’t recognise and strain to hear the words. It’s not the police – it’s the window cleaner wanting to be paid.

‘Sorry,’ Mum says, sounding frazzled. ‘Do you mind coming back? We’re having a bit of a crisis. You haven’t seen a small boy wandering down the road, have you?’

I don’t hear the answer. ‘Oh – look, it’s not fair on you. I’ll grab my purse,’ Mum says. She comes into the living room and picks up her bag, without even glancing at me.

‘That’s funny, I’m sure I had more than that,’ she says to herself. ‘Ben! Have you got a tenner handy?’

‘Sure,’ calls Dad. ‘Really, couldn’t he have waited?’

As Dad goes to the door, Mum looks like she’s holding back tears.

When Dad comes back he persuades her to sit down and have a cup of tea while we wait for the police. He pushes me into the kitchen and Mum sits, head in hands, at the table, while Dad puts the kettle on.

Sarah comes in too, followed by a sulky-looking Olivia.

‘Let me do that,’ Sarah tells Dad, getting some mugs out of the cupboard.

‘Can I have a biscuit?’ Olivia asks, spying the tin on the shelf above the mugs.

‘Please,’ Dad reminds her.

Dad pulls down the biscuit tin and opens it. He stares for a moment at the biscuits.

‘Can I have one, pleeeeaaaase ?’ Olivia demands.

‘I think I’ll get the chocolate finger biscuits out,’ Dad says loudly.