The Heiress; a comedy, in five acts

SCENE III

Sir Clement's House.

Miss Als. I am delighted at this summons from Sir Clement, Blandish; poor old clear-sight, I hope he has projected a reconciliation.

Mrs. Blandish. How I rejoice to see those smiles returned to the face that was made for them!

Miss Als. Returned, Blandish? I desire you will not insinuate it ever was without them – Why sure, you would not have the world imagine the temper of an heiress of my class, was to be ruffled by the loss of a paltry earl – I have been highly diverted with what has passed from beginning to end.

Mrs. Blandish. Well, if good humour can be a fault, sure the excess you carry it to must be the example.

Miss Als. I desire it may be made known in all companies, that I have done nothing but laugh – nay, it is true too.

Mrs. Blandish. My dear creature, of what consequence is the truth, when you are charging me with the execution of your desires?

Miss Als. But did you remember the airs of the moppet – Could any thing be more ridiculous?

Mrs. Blandish. The rivalship you mean – Rival Miss Alscrip. – He! he! he!

Miss Als. Yes, but when you take this tone in public, laugh a little louder.

Mrs. Blandish. Rival Miss Alscrip, ha! ha! ha!

Both. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. Blandish. [Wiping her Eyes, as not quite recovered from her Laugh.] For mirth's sake, what is become of the rival? – Whom will you chuse she shall have run away with?

Miss Als. Leave it in doubt as it is; fixing circumstances confines the curiosity to one story which may be disproved; uncertainty leaves it open to a hundred, and makes them all probable. But I hear some of the company upon the stairs: Now, Blandish – You shall be witness to the temper and dignity, with which a woman of my consequence can discard a quality courtship that offends her —

Mrs. Blandish. Sweet tempered soul!

Sir C. Miss Alscrip, your —

Blandish. The duel's over.

Sir C. And the parties unhurt – You are too late in your intelligence by some minutes. But I know you must rejoice [Ironically.] from your attachment to all parties. – Miss Alscrip, your very —

Miss Als. Duel! – Pray let us hear the particulars – As there is no mischief, I shall not faint.

Sir C. I guess it has been of the common-place kind. – Hats over the brows – glum silence – thrust – parry – and riposte – Explain and shake hands: Your man of honour never sets his friend right, till he has exchanged a shot – or a thrust: Oh, a little steel recipe is a morning whet to the temper: It carries off all qualms, and leaves the digestion free for any thing that is presented to it.

Miss Als. Dear, how fortunate! Considering the pills some folks have to swallow.

Sir C. Blandish, see if the door of Clifford's room is yet unlocked, there is a person within you little expect to find, and whom it may be proper for this lady and me to interrogate together.

Blandish. Lady Emily!

Sir C. Inexplicable, with a vengeance.

Miss Als. [Aside.] Lady Emily, shut up in Clifford's apartment! Beyond my expectation, indeed.

Sir C. [Dryly.] Lady Emily, I know you were always cautious whom you visited, and never gave a better proof of your discernment.

Lady E. Never. Oh! my poor dear uncle, you little think what is going to befall you.

Sir C. Not a disappointment in love, I hope.

Lady E. No, but in something much nearer your heart – your system is threatened with a blow, that I think, and from my soul I hope, it never will recover: would you guess that the sagacious observations of your whole life are upon the point of being confounded by the production —

Sir C. Of what?

Lady E. A woman of ingenuous discretion, and a man of unaffected integrity.

Sir C. Hah!

Mrs. Blandish. What can she mean?

Miss Als. Nothing good – she looks so pleasant.

Lady E. Come forth, my injured friend. Our personal acquaintance has been short, but our hearts were intimate from the first sight. [Presenting her.] Your prisoner, sir, is Miss Harriet Clifford.

Sir C. Clifford's sister!

Miss Als. What, the run-away Alton, turned into a sprig of quality.

Lady E. [Disdainfully to Miss Alscrip.] The humble dependent of Alscrip house – The wanton – the paragon of fraud – the only female that can equal Clifford. [Tauntingly to Sir Clement.] She is indeed!

Blandish. [Aside.] Oh, rot the source of the family fondness – I see I have no card left in my favour – but the heiress. [Goes to her and pays Court – During this Conversation, aside, Lady Emily seems encouraging Miss Clifford. – Sir Clement musing, and by Turns examining her.]

Sir C. [To himself.] "Ingenuous discretion!"

Cliff. My dearest Harriet! the joy I purposed in presenting you here, is anticipated: but, my blameless fugitive! when your story is known, my pride in you will not be a wonder. – Miss Clifford, behold your persecutor and your convert.

Lord G. [With Rapture.] Her persecutor and her convert. Her virtues, which no humility could conceal, and every trial made more resplendent, discovered, disgraced, and reclaimed a libertine. —

Miss Cliff. How am I distressed! – what ought I to answer?

Lord G. Impressed sentiment upon desire, gave honour to passion, and drew from my soul a vow, which Heaven chastise me when I violate, to obtain her by a legal, sacred claim, or renounce fortune, family and friends, and become a self-devoted outcast of the world.

Miss Cliff. Oh! brother, interpose.

Sir C. My lord, your fortune, family and friends are much obliged to you. Your part is perfect – Mr. Clifford, you are called upon. Miss, in strict propriety, throws the business upon her relations – Come, finish the comedy, join one of her hands to the gallant's, while, with the other, she covers her blushes – and he in rapture delivers the moral. All for Love, or, the World well lost.

Cliff. Be patient, my Harriet, this is the school for prejudice, and the lesson of its shame is near.

Miss Als. I vow these singular circumstances give me quite a confusion of pleasure. The astonishing good fortune of my late protegee, in finding so impassioned a friendship in her brother's bed-chamber; the captivating eloquence of Lord Gayville, in winding up an eclaircissement which I admire – not for the first time – to-day – and the superlative joy Sir Clement must feel at an union, founded upon the purity of the passions, – are subjects of such different congratulation, that I hardly know where to begin.

Lady E. [Aside] Charming! her insolence will justify what so seldom occurs to one – a severe retort, without a possible sense of compunction.

Miss Als. But in point of fortune – don't imagine, Sir Clement, I would insinuate that the lady is destitute – oh Lord, far from it. Her musical talents are a portion —

Alscrip. Why, stop a moment —

Sir C. What have we here – the lawyers in dispute?

Alscrip. [Entering.] You have not heard my last word yet.

Rightly. [Entering.] You have heard mine, sir.

Alscrip. [Whispering.] I'll make the five thousand I offered, ten.

Rightly. Millions would not bribe me – [Coming forward.] When I detect wrong, and vindicate the sufferer, I feel the spirit of the law of England, and the pride of a practitioner.

Alscrip. Lucifer confound such practices! [In this Part of the Scene, Sir Clement, Lord Gayville, Lady Emily, Clifford, and Miss Clifford, form one Group.]

Alscrip. That cursed! cursed flaw. —

Miss Als. Flaw! who has dared to talk of one? not in my reputation, sir?

Alscrip. No, but in my estate; which is a damned deal worse.

Miss Als. How? what? when? – where? – The estate that was to be settled upon me?

Alscrip. Yes, but that me turned topsey turvey – when me broke into my room this morning, and the devil followed, to fly away with all my faculties at once – I am ruined – Let us see what you will settle upon your poor father.

Miss Als. I settle upon you?

Mrs. Blandish. This is an embarrassing accident.

Miss Als. Yes, and a pretty help you are, with a drop chin, like a frontispiece to the Lamentations.

Rightly. [Coming forward with Sir Clement.] I stated this with some doubt this morning, but now my credit as a lawyer upon the issue. – The heiress falls short of the terms in your treaty by two thousand pounds a-year – which this deed, lately and providentially discovered, entails upon the heirs of Sir William Charlton, and consequently, in right of his mother, upon this gentleman.

Lady E. How!

Lord G. Happy disappointment.

Sir C. [Aside.] Two thousand a-year to Clifford! It's a pity, for the parade of disinterestedness, that he opened his designs upon Emily, before he knew his pretensions.

Lady E. [Aside.] Now, if there were twenty ceilings, and as many floors, could not I find a spot to settle my silly looks upon.

Sir C. [Turning towards Alscrip.] Palm a false title upon me? I should have thought the attempt beyond the collective assurance of Westminster-hall – and he takes the loss as much to heart as if he bought the estate with his own money.

Alscrip. [With Hesitation.] Sir Clement – what think you – of an amicable adjustment of all these businesses?

Sir C. [Ironically.] Nothing can be more reasonable. The value of Miss Alscrip's amiable disposition, placed against the abatement of her fortune, is a matter of the most easy computation; and to decide the portion, Mr. Clifford ought to relinquish of his acquisition – Lady Emily – will you be a referée?

Lady E. [Aside.] Yes, the lynx has me – I thought I should not escape. – [To him.] No, sir; my poor abilities only extend to an amicable endeavour here. [To Miss Alscrip.] And really, Miss Alscrip, I see no reason for your being dispirited; there may be many ready-made titles at market, within the reach of your purse. Or, why should not a woman of your consequence originate her own splendour? there's an old admirer of mine – He would make a very pretty lord – and indeed, would contribute something on his own part, to ease the purchase – The Blandish family is well with all administrations, and a new coronet is always as big again as an old one. I don't see how you could lay out part of your independency to more advantage.

Blandish. [Aside.] Yes, but since flaws are in fashion, I shall look a little into things before I agree to the bargain.

Miss Als. [Aside.] I'll die before I'll discover my vexation – and yet, [Half crying.] no title – no place.

Lady E. Depend upon it, Miss Alscrip, your place will be found exactly where it ought to be. The public eye, in this country, is never long deceived – Believe me – and cherish obscurity – Title may bring forward merits, but it also places our defects in horrid relief.

Alscrip. Molly, the sooner we get out of court the better – we have damnably the worst of this cause, so come along, Molly – [Taking her under the Arm.] – and farewell to Berkeley Square. Whoever wants Alscrip House, will find it in the neighbourhood of Furnival's Inn, with the noble title of Scrivener, in capitals – Blank bonds at the windows, and a brass knocker at the door. [Pulling her.] Come along, Molly.

Miss Als. [Half crying. – Aside.] Oh! the barbarous metamorphosis – but his flusterums for a week, will serve my temper, as a regimen. I will then take the management of my affairs into my own hands, and break from my cloud anew: and you shall find [To the Company.] there are those without a coronet, that can be as saucy, and as loud, and stop the way in all public places, as well as the best of you. [Lady Emily laughs.] Yes, madam, and without borrowing your ladyship's airs.

Als. [Pulling her.] Come along, Molly.

Miss Als. Oh you have been a jewel of a father.

Lady E. Mrs. Blandish, sure you do not leave your friend, Miss Alscrip, in distress?

Mrs. Blandish. We'll not disturb the ashes of the dead – my sweet Lady Emily —

Blandish. Oh my sweet sister, none of your flourishes – In the present mood of the company, even mine would not do. Truth and sentiment have the ascendency. But let them alone; and they'll come round again. [Addressing the Company.] Flattery is the diet of good humour; and not one of you can live without it; and when you quarrel with the family of Blandish, you only leave refined cookery, to be fed upon scraps, by a poor cousin or a led captain.

Mrs. Blandish. [With a Look of Courtship to the Company.] Oh! the two charming pairs!

Blandish. [Pulling her away.] Oh! thou walking dedication!

Lord G. Precious group, fare ye well. [To Sir Clement.] And now, sir, whatever may be your determinations towards me – here are pretensions you may patronize without breach of discretion. The estate which devolves to my friend —

Rightly. To prevent errors – is not his to bestow.

Sir C. What now – more flaws?

Rightly. The estate was his beyond the reach of controversy: but before he was truly sure of it, on his way to Hyde-Park, did this spendthrift, by a stroke of his pen, divest himself of every shilling – Here is the covenant by which he binds himself to execute proper conveyances as soon as the necessary forms can be gone through.

Lord G. And in favour of whom is this desperate act?

Rightly. Of a most dangerous seducer – a little mercenary, that, when she gets hold of the heart, does not leave an atom of it our own.

All. How!

Rightly. [With Feeling.] And there she stands, [Pointing to Miss Clifford.] with a look and an emotion that would condemn her before any court in the universe.

Lady E. Glorious – matchless Clifford!

Miss Cliff. Brother, this must not be.

Cliff. Your pardon, my dear Harriet, it is done. Sir Clement, my sister's fortune is still far short of what you expected with Miss Alscrip; for that deficiency, I have only to offer the virtues Lord Gayville has proved, and the affection she found it easier to control, than to conceal. If you will receive her, thus circumstanced, into your family, mine has been an acquisition indeed.

Lady E. [Coming up to Sir Clement.] Now, sir, where's the suspicion! Where is now the ruling principle that governs mankind! Through what perspective, by what trial, will you find self-interest here? What, not one pithy word to mock my credulity! – Alas! poor Yorick – quite chop-fallen. – Forgive me, sir, I own I am agitated to extravagance – You found me disconcerted at the first discovery; I am delighted at the last; there's a problem of my disposition worthy your solving.

Sir C. [Who has been profoundly thoughtful.] Mr. Rightly, favour me with that paper in your hand.

Rightly. Mr. Clifford's engagement, sir. [Gives the Paper: Sir Clement looks it over, and tears it.] What do you mean, sir?

Sir C. To cancel the obligation, and pay the equivalent to Gayville; or if Clifford will have his own way, and become a beggar by renewing it, to make an heiress of my own for his reparation – and there she stands. [Pointing to Lady Emily.] With sensibility and vivacity so uncommonly blended, that they extract benevolence wherever it exists, and create it where it never was before – Your point is carried – You may both fall upon your knees, for the consent of the ladies.

Lord G. [To Miss Clifford.] In this happy moment, let my errors be forgot, and my love alone remembered.

Miss Cliff. With these sanctions for my avowal – I will not deny that I saw and felt the sincerity of your attachment, from the time it was capable of being restrained by respect.

Cliff. Words are wanting, Lady Emily —

Lady E. I wish they may with all my heart, but it is generally remarked that wanting words, is the beginning of a florid set speech – To be serious, Clifford – We want but little explanation on either side – Sir Clement will tell you how long we have conversed by our actions. [Gives her Hand.] My dear uncle, how a smile becomes you in its natural meaning!

Sir C. If you think me a convert, you are mistaken: I have ever believed self to be the predominant principle of the human mind – My heart at this instant confirms the doctrine – There's my problem for yours, my dear Emily, and may all who hear me agree in this solution – to reward the deserving, and make those we love happy, is self-interest in the extreme.

1

The late Earl of Derby was grandfather to the present Earl, his son having died before him.