The Complete Works of Josh Billings
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The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.
Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost – a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.
He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.
He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.
He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.
I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.
I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.
I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.
Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.
I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.
I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.
If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.
THE FEATHERED ONES
DUK
The duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this – naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.
They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon’s.
They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.
They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.
Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.
You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.
I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.
Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it – this iz strikly confidenshall.
TURKEY
Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better.
The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik.
They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but themselfs.
Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket.
Wet weather iz bad on a turkey – a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.
The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense.
I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them.
The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy.
Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.
P. S. – If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do.
THE HOSSTRITCH
The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man’s hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion.
They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.
The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts.
They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out.
They ain’t bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz.
I don’t kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare.
Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.
I shan’t never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi right mind.
If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.
I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don’t mean tew hanker for hot sand.
THE PARROT
The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.
They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers.
They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest.
They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.
In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.
They resemble the border injun in this respekt.
When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.
I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven’t seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss.
If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare.
I don’t make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)
THE BOBALINK
The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.
They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once.
They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.
The female bird don’t sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.
They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.
When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man’s duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.
Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.
THE EAGLE
Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight’s blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.
Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.
I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.
NATRAL HISTORY
It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the Louse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.
Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.
Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.
Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.
I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.
All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.
Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.
But all this iz remote from the louse.
The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.
Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.
I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.
Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.
But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.
The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.
They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.
When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.
After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.
Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply dispize snaiks, fear musketoze, avoid fleas, don’t associate with the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet.
Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse – and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.
KATS
A kat iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.
It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.
I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.
If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, ‘that kat,’ waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.
Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.
They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.
The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain’t reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.
Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.
THE HUM BUGG
The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.
They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.
It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs – if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.
The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.
They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.
The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.
Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.
They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.
The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.
The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden” – and i believe it – but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.
But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.
Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.
I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot – i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.
Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.
Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.
Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.
If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t feel any kind ov a bite.
If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs couldn’t bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.
THE BUGG BEAR
Natral History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz – the bugg bear.
The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.
They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.
They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the bugg and the bear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.
They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.
I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov.
They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.
They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.
They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.
Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.
THE GAME CHICKEN
Lo, and behold the game rooster!
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.
Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen’s finger.
Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dagger.
When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.
Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.
Bring on the other rooster.
THE DUK
The Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen.
When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.
The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.
Their foot iz like a small spider’s web, only more substanshul bilt.
They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.
They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.
Water won’t stay quiet on a duk’s back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.
Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.
They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.
Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.
Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.
The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.
Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.
They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.
A duk’s feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.
Men often call their wifes their “dear duks,” this is on ackount ov their big bills.