The Complete Works of Josh Billings

PEPPER PODS

If yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz generosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back.

A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn’t got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred.

Affickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous.

Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew convince a phool.

Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make it go.

The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking.

Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment.

He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgaging himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises.

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. Moral: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice.

Young man don’t marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custom in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel.

Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since.

The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys – digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage.

Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time – theze are the folks who alwus enjoy poor health.

If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don’t strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack.

A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a hen’s egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything.

“People ov good sense” are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with ours.

Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon.

The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and worship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe.

Experience don’t make a man so bold az it duz so careful.

Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake.

Thare ain’t but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain’t in market, it iz held for a dividend.

Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew them: “To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repentance.”

Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our virtew – even a boy never feels half so good az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool.

Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man’s knose whom yu meet.

Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how.

Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the proze; and this iz all well enuff if the taste ov the poetry hain’t spilte our relish for the proze.

The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissapointment.

The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children amung them.

Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the middle, and settlings at the bottom.

We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders.

Men, if they ain’t too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy the time a good deal az follows: the fust 30 years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throwing bizzness, and nussing the rumatizz.

This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked.

HOOKS & EYES

Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn’t cum out.

The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good.

The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in expectancy.

After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised.

Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they kant tell the truth without lieing.

Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind hiz back.

I am rather favourably impressed with Gin and Milk, az an extrakt, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to reckomend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do.

A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz mind, but he never kan out ov hiz heart.

I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who haz improved the whole ov hiz opportunity and abilitys.

Wimmin quite often possess superior tallents, but their genius lays in their pashuns.

Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it.

Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble.

The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for suspicion.

Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish things.

It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az they kan git enny thing else.

The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don’t kare if he sprung from a dunghill.

Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave what we kant understand.

Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb.

When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. When we are old, too seldum.

Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze who don’t beleave “that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth.”

We lay all of our bad luk tew sum boddy else, but our successes we giv ourself kredit for.

Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant.

A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov mollassis kandy that haz half melted.

Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least tew hav jokes played upon them.

One ov the most diffikult things for an old person tew forgit and at the same time the most necessary, iz that they are no longer young.

Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles – the pashunt alwus haz it light.

Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew the amount ov their branes.

It iz better tew be stubborn than weak.

There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew be obliged tew flatter another.

Most men had rather be ritch than wize.

Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we often see the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize the most timid.

About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz tew make death a relief.

Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing.

To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov enny man.

Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.

When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, them i am happy.

He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good chance.

Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a convent, if we could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us more hurt, than enny boddy else.

The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others.

If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse to be born.

What iz the principal difference between poverty and ritches? – poverty kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be worse, – the difference iz in favor of poverty.

We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon.

A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums resignashun.

The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do better next time.

Pashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a little one.

Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov.

Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same effekt on a man’s mind, that too mutch eating, and too little exercise haz on hiz boddy.

The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble – things that are always a going tew happen never do happen.

Face all things! – even advertisy iz polite tew a man’s face.

A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered it.

Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the best that haz been discovered yet.

Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised.

If I had a boy whose hair wouldn’t part in the middle, I should bedew that hair with a parent’s tear, and then giv up the boy.

JAW BONES

Dry goods are worshiped in this world now more than the Lord iz.

Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made; councilling with hope iz the way heroes are made; councilling with faith iz the way Christians are made.

Pleazure iz like a hornet – generally ends with a sting.

The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the subburbs ov virtew – they are rotten ice.

Lazyness iz a good deal like money – the more a man haz ov it, the more he seems tew want.

Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virtew; money and titles and fever sores kan be inherited.

The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits – tender, but tasteless.

Life iz like a mountain – after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled.

When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up for a critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew bob it.

The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on hand.

Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it.

Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz ignoranse.

Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy.

Reputashun iz like money – the principal is often lost by putting it out at interest.

Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love another more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous.

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn’t hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy.

Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won’t pay for making up.

Envy iz an insult tew a man’s good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others.

How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill.

ODS AND ENS

Natur never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it.

I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints.

I never knu a man yet whoze name waz George Washington Lafayette Goodrich, Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur.

As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals.

Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews.

Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blunders, and the individual so menny, as a man’s acktual importanse among hiz fellow critters.

A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth.

The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they cease to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded.

The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools than the Lord haz.

About the nearest tew absolute insolvency that a man kan git in this world, and think he iz dieing rich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family.

I don’t pretend tew hav enny less vile pashuns than my nabors, but i do despize the person, most heartily, who caters tew thoze i hav got.

The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer.

Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little az revenge.

Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement.

Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientiffick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without understanding it.

It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most generally taken.

Don’t lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like planting tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools.

No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness.

Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing phools, like garments, are made tew order.

A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good company for others.

Genuine praize consists in naming a man’s faultz to hiz face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back.

One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs.

A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in.

Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hitting the mark.

I have alwus noticed one thing, when a person bekums disgusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the person went.

Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or hates.

A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather.

I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels-full.

A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out.

Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare ain’t but phew can understand it.

Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt.

Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he haz given us the power tew do.

Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies; grate bores without meaning or knowing it.

Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn’t hav bin heard ov agin.

The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.

All the good injuns die young.

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

I hav herd a grate deal ced about “broken hartes,” and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun.

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say – bring him up the back way.

I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose bore was very big.

If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never need to look for promoshun.

A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.

FUST IMPRESHUNS

Fust impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who haz only been stung bi a hornet once will swear to this.

The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. Thare aint but phew who kan navigate without a kompass.

A wize man iz never konfounded bi what he dont understand, but a phool generally iz.

Yung man, don’t grind yure scythe all on one side!

I don’t know ov a more lamentable sight than an old rake – even repentance looks like a weakness in him.

Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts often cum tew us sudden, but seldum perfekt. They require polishing up tew make them komplete.

Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew turn a grindstun to do it.

Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ov nothing more indikative ov strength.

Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who couldn’t harness a hoss tew save their lives.

I don’t kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible – “Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove.”

Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves.

Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind.

A weak constitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set ov branes kan’t.

Vanity iz a strange pashun – rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov its vices.

All phools are poor listeners.

About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people’s opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own.

Flattery iz like ice-kream – to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often.

The more yu praze a man who don’t deserve it, the more yu abuze him.

Yu kan’t flatter a truly wize man – he knows just how mutch praze iz due him; that he takes, and charges over all the ballance tew the proffit and loss ackount.

Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man, but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them.

Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable.

I don’t beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and raskals are concerned.

It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and thrift.

How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this world when we kan’t even find one who iz haff az good az he kan be.

Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew write on a subjekt.

Men are seldum underrated; the merkury in a man finds its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duz in the glass ov a thermometer.

I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity ov them.

Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent; and what makes so mutch trouble iz, the indifferents are in the majority.

A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it.

When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises.

Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in konfessing our sins to ourselfs and to each other.

I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot “went and hanged himself.”