The Complete Works of Josh Billings

BENDS

Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various Bends that hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.

The most butiful, az well az truest bilt Bend, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow.

For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.

Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick; and also south Bend, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.

(Later – He haz won.)

Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate republick is the political Bend.

This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.

It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time.

It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over forwards.

Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.

Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo Bend, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the devil.

In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.

This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git chronick.

This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows: – a household, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew.

In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.

This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain.

I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.

I don’t kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their travelling; they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane.

How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity.

I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:

“Nix for stix!” and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.

I don’t know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny Bend in it.

Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.

What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the market!

I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.

KOLIDING

The wurd “kolide,” used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks.

Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at onst.

The term “kolide” is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak.

It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a “kolide.”

Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.

So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with cayenne.

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes it.

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don’t luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter.

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.

We havn’t had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.

Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.

It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey – and the wind waz in the air – and the birds were in the South – and the snow waz on the ground – and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold – and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good deal.

It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler “Bully” or lay down and rool over.

But i kept in, and aked with glory.

Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow.

Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.

I don’t think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life – on ice.

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.

I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.

I didn’t kno how tew proceed.

Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.

Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt’s space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.

I had saw enuff – more happyness than belonged tew me – and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt – good. —

WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE

Dear Mr. – : Your letter to me this morning for more copy haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press.

It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a half a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, it iz a good deal like lifting things that are tied down.

In the first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be sharp on the withers, not tew long legged, kind in all harness, hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon.

The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either original or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake sunning himself in the sand.

It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy’s prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket.

Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or histed with a jerk; comik essayers must ram pages into paragraffs; wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop – thar is about as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the ginger.

Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks; evryboddy seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker cums in.

A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don’t understand the language.

I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don’t write sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty.

Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don’t hitch tew menny ov them together; but their only power iz the interpretashun ov ideas; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the better the dose.

Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don’t make enny remarks, and no man needn’t git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word.

A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him; he must akt sensible things strangely; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey; the deviltry in a monkey iz natral – if it want, it wouldn’t be funny, but ridikilous.

Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault.

If enny ov yure readers, Dear Mr. – , or enny ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the frogs hind legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don’t find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov brains or impudense, i don’t know whitch.

A man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers.

I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain’t so sarching and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-shell, nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at haff cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff.

I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the offer.

I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks.

BEAU BENNET’S SUPPLIKASHUN

Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are stylish.

Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter.

Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be grate – even like unto Solaman’s.

Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine.

Fill up mi kup tew the brim’s verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion.

Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob.

Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of gladness.

Make my heart tew glisten with charity, but teach mi taylor and shumaker how tew wait for their munny and be happy.

Let mi heart feast on the truth, but smile thou upon mi kork leg and periwig nobby.

Remove far from me all gluttony, but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty.

Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy.

Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded.

Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck.

Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it.

Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me all dripping wet, but don’t let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy.

Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster.

Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersy.

Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the people shall kall me “Yung Purity.”

Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins.

Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo’s with munny, all mothers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches laying around loose, but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma.

Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow bekuming.

Listen! dear Fortune, listen! – giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzzum.

I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered – farewell for the present – don’t go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!!

A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY

Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing for the last time tew.

It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for.

Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don’t gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye.

Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster’s dicktionary.

Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth.

Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis.

The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin.

Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.

Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams.

Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil.

If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell yure principles tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, “What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!” i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the gove nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.

FEMALE REMARKS

Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?

This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say “Yes” out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the half shell.

Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot yure fewter hussband:

1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn’t a heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.

2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences – often duz the best on sile that won’t raize ennything else. Don’t forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a long time.

3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds ov them would probably be returned; but thare don’t seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums will wash well.

4. Don’t marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.

5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (and not very hefty at that), ain’t no better for a husband than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don’t marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist one fault.

6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried harbs – in the garret, handy for sickness – and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don’t swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn’t git either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.

7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.

I don’t think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile – a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.

But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth – who had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick – one who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul – snare him at onst, for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.

Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.