The Complete Works of Josh Billings

A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE

Dear Brigham: – Excuse this peripatetick letter.

I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness.

If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn’t seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn’t tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn’t recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon’s extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him:

“Son, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market.”

This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn’t begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz.

It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.

This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.

I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler “amen” before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening.

I don’t want enny body’s boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.

I ain’t voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.

There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word “go,” and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil – who cares?

But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a camphene boy, i don’t kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy.

I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn’t ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.

Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they wouldn’t fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing.

SHORT REPLYS

Dear Alice. – I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.

I dont kno “Yankee doodle” from “Now I lay me on the grass,” or “Mary had an infant sheep.”

I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.

I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.

I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.

I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother’s catch, or simple lulaby.

But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.

I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.

Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don’t kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.

Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.

I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.

It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.

Pensive Rebekker.– I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.

I am only sorry on the other phellow’s ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.

It don’t hurt my pheelings tew be called a “pokey dunce.”

I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a “strapping monster.”

Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.

Artless Jane.– In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.

Theze things are all regulated by the law ov supply and demand.

If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.

I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.

Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.

But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.

Pretty Ruth.– Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.

This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.

Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.

If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.

Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.

We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.

The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.

The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.

Gay Betsey.– Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.

It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.

They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.

The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.

If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.

Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.

A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.

WIMMINS RIGHTS. DOG TALK. CORRESPONDENCE

Mi Dear Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins:

I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do.

I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess.

I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter.

I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.

If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman’s care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving.

Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.

But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes.

She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.

Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.

When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.

Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborness.

Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or influenced bi others.

If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?

I hav never saw yure platform.

Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu vote for?

Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style? – eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going.

Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.

Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.

Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time?

Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.

Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart.

Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?

Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven’t got enny reputashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.

If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a pheller, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.

But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers.

Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn’t mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.

In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that “Wimmin’s rights” means, iz, more power, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the “magna-karta” which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a “wimmins right convenshun,” would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.

“Barney.” – I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants’ Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.

He slept sound last night, and hasn’t waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o’clock this morning.

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.

He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy’s toe – to hiz shoe.

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I’ll bet.

Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.

He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.

He don’t seem tew cum back!

It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don’t seem tew cum back.

My wife iz glad ov it.

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don’t make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn’t send me enny more tarrier.

“Fred.” – Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.

“Snyder.” – Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.

The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.

Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.

Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.

Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and – who don’t.

I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don’t serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats, – tew turn oph.

Stujent.– We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.

Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers:

“Dear Sur: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste.”

Matty– It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don’t ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.

Mirakle: – Yu sa “yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner.” I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale’s sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.

SHORT, BUT SWEET

Richard.– Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in Natral history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn’t got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv cockroach klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain’t got enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don’t inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to – I never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain’t nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals – fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand.

Caroline.– Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and luvly things.

I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.

I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.

When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant.

If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.

I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don’t kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.