The Complete Works of Josh Billings

ESSA ON SWINE

Hogs generally are quadriped.

The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.

There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain’t mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.

Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.

Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don’t ask enny foolish questions.

They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.

They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.

They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain’t enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.

THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO

The cat, iz called a domestik animile, – but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore.

You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.

They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.

They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream ov their childhood days.

All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz, that yu kant looze one.

You kant looze a cat, – they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun iz.

You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, “C. O. D.,” and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on.

Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.

But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet, iz their fear ov death.

Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death, – they aktually skorn tew die.

You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.

Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.

Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap, – a little money, – well invested, – will go a grate ways, in cats.

Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither.

The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz – on the jump.

Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.

Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.

A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.

What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.

The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.

But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.

Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.

THE CODFISH

The codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.

They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.

They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.

Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.

Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.

I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs.

I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.

I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.

Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.

The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.

I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.

THE MACKREL

The mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.

They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.

They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.

Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.

They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.

If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.

Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called “the salt of the earth.”

THE POLLYWOGG

The pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.

After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.

He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog.

This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.

The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.

He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.

Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.

The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.

I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.

If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.

I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.

If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.

THE BULL HEAD

This remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.

They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.

They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst.

They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule.

They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.

I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it.

Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.

This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads.

MUDTURKLES

Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az “close korporashuns,” and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don’t seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won’t lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won’t pass a law “prohibiting enny more mudturkles.” I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.

THE FLY

The fly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, without branes, but happily without guile.

They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz, “whare it listeth.”

How they are exactly born, i haven’t been able yet tew investigate, but they are so universal at times, that i hav thought, they didn’t wait tew be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cum just az they am.

They are sed tew be male and femail, but i dont think they konsider the marriage tie binding, for they look so mutch alike, that it would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, and this would lead tew never ending fites, wich iz the rhubarb ov domestik life.

They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don’t git tew buzzing good till the center ov August.

They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am.

Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and usefullness, but this don’t interfere with their census, for their iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their property.

Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad’s noze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with mollassis.

Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans.

The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buzzum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his way.

Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw.

Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise, till seven o’clock in the evening, without getting more than haff phull.

They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno ov.

The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov yure ear; and he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash him up fine.

Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies.

They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the cloth iz removed.

Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted into all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a konfidence.

What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish.

Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a sekret.

Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller.

I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico’s, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed chamber.

But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally ruin them, with deth.

I thank the Lord i ain’t one ov thoze, i don’t luv a fly enuff, tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still.

Flys tickle me, but they don’t make me sware, it takes a bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ov a krack in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog’s noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me sware, a word ov two sillables.

A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, not even an abreviated dam.

I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells ov whiskey.

This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding literary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rosebud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them.

THE CROW

Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.

If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain’t big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.

They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.

They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.

The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.

They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank, – thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.

Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don’t believe they kno how.

They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.

They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.

This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn’t; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.

THE BUMBLE BEE

The Bumble Bee is one ov natur’s sekrets.

They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.

They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.

They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.

Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don’t make enny to sell.

Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer’s work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their helm.

I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.

THE ROBBING

The robin haz a red brest.

They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.

They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.

They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.

They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry.

If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawberry.

They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are speckled.

Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.

If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once, so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.

If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.

THE SWALLO

The swallo iz a lively bird.

Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a twitter about sumthing.

They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.

They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.

I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.

When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a spring.”

This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows.

Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air.

They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill.

They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for bizzness.

I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.

THE BAT

The bat is a winged mouse.

They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.

They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin.

They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle.

What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.

They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.

If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.

But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.

Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew kno it.

Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.

Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.