Learn to love. 30 tips how to live

In recent years the mass media has been filled with a lot of sexual content. This has changed our younger and older girls. In the past it was shameful to be getting married being «not a girl» anymore. Nowadays the situation is quite the opposite. Girls are comfortable talking about it, even in public and even holding a microphone. Movies are made by men. Romantic novels are written by women under order of men. Books and newspapers are published by men. Men want to have sex, because nature told them to procreate. That is why men impose this desire on women.

Today, in any chick lit there is sex. And it is not just a half an hour simple bed scene. It lasts all night! The entire page is filled with orgasms that happen one after another until morning. I am not going to go into anatomic and scientific details here. I just want to say that it doesn’t happen this way in real life. It is just like with food. A human being can’t be eating sandwiches ten hours in a row. Nature made it this way that our hunger gets satisfied much faster than that. The same way our body is not meant to last ten hours of sexual intercourse. It is interesting though, that the word «sex» is used in our everyday life more often than words like «bread» or «water».

When I say that men have a different kind of sexual hunger, a lot of women get unhappy. They say that they also suffer without sex just like men do. Nature made men in charge of the population. In order for men not to be lazy nature gifted them with this agonizing (and sometimes literally painful) craving for sex. There is one very obvious difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Women can conceive a child without an orgasm, while men can’t. They should have an orgasm to ejaculate.

This urge to have an orgasm is a vital need for men. Women, no matter how passionate they are, can’t feel the same way. I am not saying that women don’t want to have an orgasm. All I am saying is that men need it a lot more. The urge is stronger and not the orgasm itself. I can compare it with a certain talent. All people are talented, but only very developed talents can actually control and move people to do something.

A sexual preference is a deeply subconscious thing. So when a man has picked a woman and that very woman has picked that very man, they both need to make sure that their sexual preference is supported. Sexual interest should be stirred up to avoid a change of roles in bed. There always should be «man-woman» roles in bed (not «father-mother» or «sister-brother»). I think that almost all cases of a divorce happen when one of the partners loses his or her sexual interest in the other partner. And it doesn’t matter what reasons partners will be naming. If a woman starts to yell at her children, her voice stops being arousing for her man. And that’s it! Don’t forget that you and your partner exchange energy even if you both are silent.

Men value smart women’s thoughts. These thoughts charge the air around us and we want thunder and lightning. If a woman wants to charm men around her, she should be energetic. In a woman everything should radiate energy, including her face. Here is an example. If you see several women singing pretty well, you still pay attention to the one who has an «alive» face and darts flirting glances.

Now let’s go back to sex. For a woman sex is a means of satisfaction and nothing more. For a man sex is a vital need. Satisfaction can be delayed while the vital need can’t. That is why we can see a man who wants sex no matter what moral values there are, and a woman who wants sex sort of lazily.

Question 26. He doesn’t want me. Why?

I have been married for eight years. In the last six months my husband has been refusing to have sex always explaining his unwillingness with some negative circumstances: it is too light or too hot, there are some strange smells or sounds in the room (only he can smell or hear them), he needs to work or there is not time, I am wearing something that he doesn’t like the feel of, etc. This started after I told him that I didn’t want to have this automatic and emotionless sex, always at the same time and in the same position. That having been said, he doesn’t have any problems with virility and he is not cheating on me. As a result, I have the role of the one who is asking for something and constantly being refused.

I don’t have any thoughts in my head other than to threaten him with finding a lover (at least a virtual one to begin with). I have heard that sometimes women use this technique quite effectively no matter how extreme it might be.

Answer. Sex is something very personal. People should be free when it comes to that. Your husband for some reason could give you only this «emotionless» kind of sex. You told him that you didn’t want that. However, he cannot give you anything else right now. That is why he decided to avoid it altogether. You need to think about reasons here and not about how to manipulate him and make matters worse. If you do scare him, it will not lead to more sensitive sex. Try to change yourself to make your husband admire you. Make your conversations with him desirable and addictive for him. Look at how much he works and sleeps. Maybe he is really exhausted. Then sex is indeed not a priority for him right now!

Question 27. Sex scares me.

I was once humiliated by a man during sex. Now I am afraid of men and I am afraid of sex too. What should I do?

Answer. You are transferring your resentment from a person onto a situation. You were hurt by a specific man. What you need to do is to learn how to recognize people like that right away. This should be your goal. Sex is not important in this situation. If you were offended by a massage therapist, would you become afraid of massage in general?

Question 28. What if he has problems in the bedroom?

My significant other sometimes fails to achieve an orgasm. I comfort him and tell him that it is alright. Yet I see that he is becoming withdrawn.

Answer. It is very likely that your significant other is worried about his problems with sex. The more failures he has, the more often he can think that it might be different with a different woman. He probably is busy searching for somebody new. You want to comfort him and so you tell him that sex is wonderful. Of course he doesn’t believe you! In this situation, if a man really means a lot to you, I would be telling him that sex is not that important. Being together is what’s important.

Question 29. He doesn’t want to be having sex all night long. Is it normal?

My boyfriend became my husband and now he doesn’t want to have sex all night with a lot of passion. It doesn’t really bother me, but my friends tell me that it should. What do you think about it?

Answer. I think that frequent sex «all night with a lot of passion» is an image created by books and movies. In real life emotions and passion like that are impossible. It would exhaust you. It is not a normal situation. Women often want to experience feelings like that because they themselves have so much energy. Try and direct this energy in a different sphere of your life, for example, your career or something creative.

Two thirds of a man’s love is based on sex. They like it when their wives think about sex and even plan it. The point is not in sex itself. The point is in the interest in sex. What woman is good in bed? Any woman you see any where: on a train, in a park, in a café, etc. It is a woman who can give the necessary emotions. A man sometimes needs passion in bed, sometimes – tenderness and always – comfort. He often needs sex instead of sleeping pills.

Sex for men is a vital need, for women it is almost always a pleasure. Here is proof of that – there are many women who live for decades without sex and without men. And they are quite happy. On the other hand, I know some very vigorous and energetic women who have plenty of male hormones in them. They act like men and need an orgasm at least two times a week. Male sexuality is different and wives should understand that. Statistics are quite curious by the way: single women live longer than married ones, whereas married men live longer than bachelors.

Don’t think that in order to have great sex with you your man needs your perfect nails, clean hair and slim belly. He probably won’t even notice that. He needs your participation in sex, your admiration and pleasure! Sometimes he needs sex just to be able to go to sleep. Women can say «no» to having sex if they think that they don’t look good enough. It’s as if women get aroused by the surroundings or their own beautiful reflection in a mirror. I am going to repeat one more time that men just need to feel wanted and loved for who they are and not for the money and power they might possess.

It doesn’t mean that you need to be passionate every night. All women have different temperaments. Maybe you need an orgasm once in every ten days. So when you are working on this orgasm, do your best to be sexually-unfettered. And in the next nine days your man will be thinking about your orgasm. Find a position in which it will be comfortable for you to reach an orgasm. Don’t be shy and don’t worry that it is always the same position. Very often a woman chooses one or two positions, not more. Do whatever is comfortable for you! Tell your man what he should be doing for your pleasure. It is possible that he won’t figure it out on his own for the rest of his life. Your biggest mistakes are shyness and silence. A bed is not a place where you need to be shy.

I am not urging women to be unable to say no and to always be willing to have sex. On the contrary, your man is happy to try and work hard to «conquer» you and to «possess» you. He will be chasing you and you will be running away as it was planned by nature. However, sometimes you need to show initiative, because men are proud of the fact that women want them. When your man really wants sex, and you for some reason are ready only to «assist» him, tell him about it in the very beginning. You can come up with a funny phrase to describe this kind of behavior, for example, «I am playing the role of timber today» or something like that.

I don’t recommend pretending when it comes to passion and an orgasm. It is deception that can ruin your relationship even if it is hidden. If your man suspects that you lie in bed, he will stop trusting you in everything else. The sooner you will find the button that turns his passion on, the better. For some men this button gets pushed when women tell stories about their former partners or sexual fantasies, for other men – when women moan or, on the contrary, don’t make a sound. Look for that button.

The main pleasure for men is not our orgasm – it is the realization that they possess real females. These females are natural, capricious, naughty, headstrong but conquered by them. If a man doesn’t have this feeling, then something is lost and a woman is to be blamed for this loss. It means that a woman hasn’t made her man her priority.

Question 30. If there is no sex, does it make sense to stay together?

My husband and I are like colleagues. We support each other and we take care of each other, but we haven’t been interested in each other like a man and a woman for a long time now. We have talked about it many times and even mentioned getting a divorce. But we are sort of used to each other. On the other hand, there was no sexual desire. We decided to have a baby. Things became even worse after we had the baby. I want to leave him. I am young. But I am afraid to hurt him. Maybe I should leave him after all? Maybe we should try and work things out?

Answer. I think that if your husband is sexually interested in other women, then you shouldn’t pity him. You are occupying somebody else’s place and he is doing the same. Maybe it is easier to break up now, peacefully. Do it before one of you finds somebody else and it gets ugly with possible scandals and other unpleasant scenes. You have a child together. That is why it is important to stay friends. It doesn’t mean that you should live together for a father to be a father. A father is a protector. He can be a protector even if he lives somewhere else. A divorce doesn’t have to be a tragedy; it can be a celebration. To tell you the truth though, I am strongly against divorces. I honestly think that in your situation the relationship can be saved.