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Katie frowned. “Aren’t there laws that say children have to attend school?”
“Yes, but they’re not always enforced. School is pretty hit-and-miss for some Balinese. Ex-pats and rich locals attend school regularly. The poor, not so much.”
“And is her family poor?”
“They weren’t too badly off when Nena was alive and contributing her paycheck. Wayan is a fisherman, but he barely catches enough to feed the family. Nena supported not only herself and Tuti, but helped support Wayan and his family. It’s not their fault. The old way of life based on farming and livestock has broken down, fish stocks are depleted and the people are dependent on tourism. But tourism has been down in recent years.”
“That’s rough.” Katie rubbed her thumb over her knuckles. “But do the monetary concerns outweigh the advantages of her living with a family she’s grown up with? Surely you could afford to plug the gap that Nena left and let Tuti stay there.”
“I’m keeping up payments to the family.” John blew out sharply through his nostrils. Katie didn’t want to know him, yet she thought she could tell him how to run his life. “I’ve made my decision. Which, I may add, is my decision to make.”
Katie tapped her pencil on the desk. “Decisions can be reversed if a mistake has been made.”
“I’m not going to chop and change the poor kid. She’s staying and that’s final.” John stopped himself from showing his frustration. Regardless of his feelings, he needed Katie on his side, for Tuti’s sake. “I hadn’t planned on bringing her back. But when I saw her—” If Katie didn’t want to know him anymore he wasn’t going to tell how Tuti had reminded him of himself as a child and of his mother. “I couldn’t leave her. She might not realize it now or for a few years, but someday she would think back and realize I’d just walked away from her. She would think she didn’t matter to me.”
Katie went still, her dark eyes simmering. “And now, after seven years, her existence does matter?”
Suddenly the air was charged with the memory of how he’d walked away from her. Didn’t Katie know that she’d been everything to him? Couldn’t she understand that he never would have left if she hadn’t pushed him away? They’d gone to the mat over her refusal to get a mastectomy, which he’d been told was the best option to ensure her long-term survival. Instead, she’d tried all sorts of crazy herbal treatments, hours of meditation, eating only raw organic food—he didn’t know what all—before finally accepting chemotherapy followed by a lumpectomy and radiation treatment.
Remembering Tuti was in the room, he glanced over his shoulder. She’d left the picture book and was playing with the class guinea pig, poking a sliver of carrot through the bars of the cage. He still didn’t know how much she understood and how much of her silence was due to her being overwhelmed by her new life. She seemed oblivious to the conversation.
“Seeing her in person tipped the scales,” he went on. “Until a few weeks ago she’s been…abstract. Nena had convinced me Tuti was better off if I wasn’t in her life at all rather than be a stranger who dropped in every once in a while.”
“Personally, I would agree with that.”
Katie sat there judging him when she had no idea. No idea. “Maybe it was better, maybe not. But once I’d met her, staying away wasn’t better for me. She’s—” He searched for the words. “She’s flesh of my flesh.”
Katie made a huffing sound.
His hands fisted on his thighs. “You wouldn’t understand, not having a child of your own.” Immediately he regretted that low blow.
Her eyes widened. White creases appeared at the sides of her mouth. “Oh, and you’ve been a parent for all of five minutes.”
“Don’t take that personally. I didn’t understand, either. I still don’t, not really.” He met Katie’s gaze. “All I know is, Tuti and I are connected. I couldn’t walk away and leave her.”
Katie dropped her gaze to the pencil in her hands. “And does Tuti feel that connection?”
“I don’t know. As I said, she doesn’t talk.”
“Which brings me to the issues I referred to earlier. Today she’s spoken not a word, not in English or Balinese. Her mother’s death must have traumatized her. Developmentally she’s taken a step backward.”
John shook his head. “No, I don’t think it’s that.” He explained the Balinese attitude to death. “You should have seen her at the funeral. She wasn’t happy but she wasn’t overcome with grief either.”
“And are you an expert in a child’s way of dealing with grief? Her mother’s death might not sink in right away. She may need time to process. You should get her counseling.”
“How is that going to work if she won’t speak English?”
“Psychologists have ways of dealing with children who are pre-language,” Katie said.
“Isn’t that a specific set of parameters for sexual abuse situations?”
“Maybe that’s the side of child counseling you see in police work but there’s more to it than that. I’ll give you a name of someone.” She paused. “You do realize I hope that you can’t carry on with your life the way you always have. Kids need a parent to be there for them, especially when they’re coping with major life transitions. I recommend you take some leave from work, spend time getting to know Tuti, let her feel safe with you.”
“I have work commitments. A major drug investigation is underway—”
“What’s more important, police work or Tuti?”
If he said police work, all the arguments he’d just made for bringing Tuti home would be meaningless. But he couldn’t afford to take time off right now. Besides, he wasn’t going to let Katie dictate how he should handle his own daughter.
“I’ll think about it.” He rose. “Tuti, time to go home. Come.” John knew she understood the word. He tried to make it sound friendly, not an order. She left the guinea pig and started toward her locker at the back of the classroom. “I’ll touch base with you tomorrow,” he added to Katie.
He and Katie waited in awkward silence while Tuti gathered her lunch box and backpack. All these years he’d wanted an excuse to talk to her. He’d flirted and teased, partly because she wouldn’t have a conversation, partly because it was less painful than acknowledging they were finished, that there was nothing left, not even friendship. Now they had a real reason to talk to each other but it was fraught with tension.
No doubt Katie resented the fact that he’d had a child with someone else so soon after they’d broken up. Had she ever stopped to think how she’d made him suffer by making the choices she had? She’d been the one to throw away their future, not him.
“Did she like my book?” Katie asked at length.
“She loves it so much she takes it to bed with her.”
Katie’s face lit. “I’m glad.”
Once upon a time her smile had been like sunshine in his life. Now he looked away.
A small hand crept into his. Tuti gazed up at him, questioning. No matter how she’d struggled against wearing the school uniform, no matter how she’d refused to sleep in a bed, no matter that he had no idea how to deal with a six-year-old girl, not once had she rejected him. From the minute he’d hoisted her onto his shoulders at Nena’s funeral she’d trusted him. It was humbling. Yes, he was pretty certain she felt the connection, too.
He cleared his throat. “Tuti, can you say goodbye to Miss Henning? Selamat tingall.”
Tuti ducked her head.
“Goodbye for now.” Katie leaned down and hugged the girl. Tuti clasped her around the waist. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“We’re going to Springvale,” John said. “To pick up foods she’s familiar with from the Asian market.” Seeing Tuti and Katie embracing so affectionately, he added on impulse, “We’ll have dinner while we’re there. Would you like to come?”
Katie hesitated. For a moment he thought she might say yes. Then she shook her head. “I have work to do.”
“Okay, fine.” It was a dumb idea, anyway.
“You’re going to have to get used to being with her.”
“It’s not that…” He trailed away. It was, partly. He adored his daughter but he was floundering. Not that he was going to let Katie know that. “Come on, Tuti. Let’s go.”
Tuti smiled at Katie and gestured to her.
Katie smiled back and waved. “Goodbye.”
Tuti shook her head and motioned with her hand to her mouth as if eating.
“She must have understood what I said about dinner,” John said.
“And that you invited me. That’s good. The more English she understands the easier it’ll be when she starts to speak.”
Tuti put her hands together in the universal gesture of prayer or pleading. Above her steepled fingertips, her dark eyes danced merrily.
“She knows how to charm,” Katie said drily. “Must have got that from you.”
“Tuti, Katie is busy. You’ll see her tomorrow.” He tugged gently on her hand. Her shoulders slumped, but she allowed him to lead her out the door.
“Wait,” Katie said.
CHAPTER FOUR
“I’LL COME WITH you after all,” Katie said. By his own admission John knew nothing about children, much less little girls. “I’m an expert at buying the healthiest fresh ingredients. When cooking for kids, it’s important to have a balanced diet.”
John bristled at her comment. “I cook, too. A healthy meal isn’t all about googly berries and wheat grass extracts. Tuti won’t eat that crap.”
“Goji berries.” Katie, reaching for her cardigan and purse, stiffened. He had a blind spot when it came to her health choices. “I was only trying to help. By all means, go by yourself.”
Tuti’s gaze swiveled from Katie to John. Oh, dear. She might not understand every word but she could surely pick up on the tension. John had invited impulsively, and she’d accepted equally impulsively. They’d both made a mistake. But Tuti would be the one to pay.
John noticed Tuti tracking their exchange, too. “No, you’re welcome to come along,” he said grudgingly. “I’m sure between us we can get what she needs.”
Katie hesitated, then nodded. It was too late to back out now. She walked slightly ahead of John down the school corridor. This was her turf. Plus, she needed to maintain some distance. She’d vowed years ago never to go out with him again.
Yet here she was, helping him shop for his daughter. And joining him for dinner. She’d forgotten that part when she’d agreed to help buy groceries.
It was okay. She would handle it—for Tuti’s sake. The little girl ran up to her and took her hand. Katie took it with a smile. Her budding affection for Tuti was bittersweet. John hadn’t stuck with her to have the family they’d planned. She’d thought he loved her, believed he would be loyal, the way her father had been loyal to her mother when she’d had breast cancer. But no, John couldn’t handle her illness. He’d gone off and had a kid with someone else.
The fact that Tuti was unplanned didn’t make it better. Her mere existence hurt more than Katie could have imagined, almost as if she was being taunted by her own dream. Here she’d beaten cancer, made a great life for herself, written a book even. Yet the husband and children she longed for remained elusive. That husband should have been John. And Tuti should have been their child. But he wasn’t, and Tuti wasn’t. So much for her dream.
She went in John’s car since Springvale was thirty minutes away and it made no sense to go separately. The open area food hall was a maze of fruit and vegetable stalls, seafood, butchers and poultry. Most shoppers were Vietnamese, speaking in their own language. Tuti clung tightly to Katie’s hand.
John tried to take her hand, too. She let him but wouldn’t relinquish Katie’s hand so the three of them wound their way awkwardly through the crowded marketplace. Finally John gave up and let go.
Katie met his gaze. “Don’t take it personally. I’m her teacher.”
“But I’m her father.”
Katie wasn’t likely to forget. She could see traces of John in the girl. Not appearance necessarily, but his energy and humor, elements of his personality John seemed to have buried. He’d always been the wild one, an adventurer, blowing where the wind took him, with no clear pathway for the future. After high school he’d drifted in and out of various jobs. Surfing and Katie herself were the only constants in his life.
Then she’d gotten sick and he’d abandoned her to disappear for a yearlong surfing safari. When he came home he’d gone straight into police academy. Now he lived by rules, enforcing the law, demanding strict discipline of himself and his officers. Only his relationships with women were transient.
Since becoming a cop he’d had to become less spontaneous and more by-the-book. At least she’d gleaned as much from things Riley said. It was too bad. John’s zest for life was what had attracted her to him as a young teenager. How many days and nights had she spent mooning over her older brother’s hot friend?
She watched him move ahead, his shoulders broad and straight, hips lean and butt tight in navy uniform pants. She stifled a sigh. He was still hot. That hadn’t changed.
“This place looks good.” John stopped at a fruit stall and picked up a basket. “Just get a variety of produce.”
Katie got her own basket and as she put items in, she told Tuti the English name and got her to repeat the word. “You can do this wherever you go,” she said to John. “Also, let her watch kids’ TV programs like Sesame Street where they teach the letters and numbers.”
“Maybe I should hire a private tutor.” John inspected a papaya, sniffing it for ripeness. “Are you interested?”
“Me?” Katie gave Tuti a plastic bag and pointed to a display of apples. “Apples. Can you get me six apples?” She held up six fingers. “Six apples.”
Tuti carefully placed an apple in her bag without repeating the words. Hopefully she just needed time to adjust and then she would speak.
Katie turned back to John. “I have a job. In fact, I have two jobs, teaching and writing. I’ve just been offered a new contract for three more books.”
John whistled. “Did you accept?”
“Subject to negotiations between my agent and publisher, but yes, I’ve committed to doing the books. So I won’t have a lot of spare time.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that your writing is taking off. But don’t you think you’re taking on an awful lot considering you’re also teaching full-time? You’re not going to have much of a life.”
What did he know? How dare he make comments on the way she conducted herself. He was no model of appropriate behavior. “I have a good life,” she said, glaring at him. “It will only be better now that I have a chance of fulfilling my dream to be a writer.”
John faced off with her across the mangoes. “Do you go out? Riley says you don’t. When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”
“When was the last time you had a girlfriend that lasted for more than a month or two?” she shot back. He had no right to be chastising her about her social life. If she went out too little, he went out too much.
“Leave my girlfriends out of this. We’re talking about you, not me. Anyway, I’m not with anyone at present.”
“I’m sure that won’t last—” Katie glanced around, suddenly remembering the reason for this conversation. “Where’s Tuti?”
“She’s with you. Isn’t she?” John swiveled on his heels, looking behind him. “Tuti?”
“You’re her father. You’re supposed to keep an eye on her.” Neither of them were used to watching out for a child. “Tuti! Where are you?”
“She can’t have gone far. We only looked away for a few seconds.” He pushed through the milling shoppers, moving past the tall fruit bins toward the section of the store that shelved canned goods. “Tuti!”
A flutter of panic ran through her. A few seconds. Was it? Katie hadn’t really been paying that close attention. She was used to dealing with children in the controlled environment of a classroom.
She headed in the opposite direction to John, her gaze raking the shop. Small dark-haired children accompanying their parents were plentiful. But no little girl in a blue-and-white gingham dress with pigtails that stuck straight out from the sides of her head. No little girl with a dimpled smile and sparkling eyes.
“Katie!” John waved at her from the fruit and veggie section. “She’s here.”
Katie hurried to join him. “How did we miss her?”
Tuti was squatting on the floor, her knees up around her pigtails, industriously filling a plastic bag with onions. Beside her were two more bags filled with a mixture of apples, oranges and lemons. Seeing John and Katie standing over her, she smiled proudly and held up her bag to show them.
Katie breathed out, relieved to have found the girl. But her heart sank seeing the bags of mixed fruit and vegetables instead of the six apples she’d asked Tuti for. The girl definitely needed her help.
The question was, at what cost to her, given that she would have less time to spend on her writing? More importantly, how would she cope emotionally with regular contact with John? She couldn’t spend an afternoon in his company without getting either annoyed or feeling attracted, despite their many issues. She wasn’t sure which emotion bothered her the most.
* * *
JOHN CHASED THE last few grains of fried rice around his plate with chopsticks. Katie was gamely making her way through a huge bowl of Vietnamese noodle soup. Tuti had finished her meal and was dangling a toy cat for a baby in a high chair at a neighboring table.
His flare-up with Katie earlier bothered him. For the past half hour they’d been too busy eating to speak. Now that the meal was over the atmosphere had become stifling. But Tuti looked so happy he didn’t have the heart to drag her away.
He poured more Chinese green tea into their tiny cups, nodding to Tuti and the baby. “She must miss her niece in Bali. She used to carry that kid around on her hip wherever she went.”
Katie took a sip of tea, holding the hot cup by the rim. “Maybe you should go back to Bali and father another child to give her a brother or a sister.”
He gave her a hard stare. “That’s unworthy of you.”
Katie blushed and grimaced. “Sorry. That was uncalled-for. But you have to admit, the timing of Tuti’s conception sucks.”
“Trust me, I won’t be having another kid in a hurry. It’s hard enough looking after one kid let alone two.”
Katie’s eyebrows went up. He clamped his mouth shut, wishing he hadn’t let slip he was having trouble being an instant dad. When Riley had fallen in love with Paula and found a son in Paula’s boy, Jamie, he’d been frankly envious of his friend’s happiness and new family. Now he wondered how Riley played his role as father to Jamie with such ease. Then again, Jamie was born Australian and Paula was responsible for most of Jamie’s care.
“I guess kids cluttering up your bachelor pad will cramp your style with the ladies.”
Where did she get this impression he was some kind of lothario? Was it Riley? He was going to have to speak to his mate. “Can you stop with the cracks about my so-called bachelor pad? It’s just a modest town house.”
“From what I hear it’s got a revolving bedroom door. You can’t bring a stream of women through with Tuti there.”
“I’ve had one girlfriend, Trudy, in the past six months. I’m not with her anymore.” Probably a good thing. He had a hard time visualizing the party girl in a maternal light. “I did go out with another woman, Deborah, once or twice but I haven’t seen her since I came back from Bali and don’t intend to. Although, frankly, it’s none of your damn business.”
“You asked for my help with Tuti. I’m simply giving you my expert opinion.”
“Did I ask for your opinion on my lifestyle? I’ve already figured out it will have to change.” He leaned in to give her a wolfish grin. “Unless your interest in my love life means you’re angling to become the next woman in the revolving door.”
She rolled her eyes. “While we’re having this heart-to-heart, you can stop flirting with me at every opportunity. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“Every opportunity? That would be once every three months when I run into you by accident at the pharmacy or something.”
“That’s four times a year too many.” She frowned, tapping her chopsticks on the table. “I can’t help Tuti on an ongoing basis if I feel uncomfortable around you.”
Did that mean she was considering tutoring his daughter? John smartened up and got serious. “I didn’t realize my innocent, lighthearted comments were so offensive.”
“They’re cheap, throwaway passes. Superficial, the way you are now.” A flash of pain crossed her face. “Talk like that diminishes what we used to have.” Then she sat back and pushed her empty bowl away. “Not that I care anymore.”
Superficial—him? Well, that was news. He had interests, as much as anyone else. Okay, it had been a while since he’d been surfing. He didn’t have time what with keeping Summerside safe from criminals and all. If she was talking about the women he went out with, well, they weren’t into settling down. That’s why he chose them.
“I had no idea I upset you so much,” he said stiffly. “I don’t know how else to communicate with you. You refuse all overtures. You won’t be friends and talk naturally—”
“Friends?” she cut in. “How can we be friends after what you did?”
“After what I did? How about what you did?” He leaned forward. “Or should I say, didn’t do?”
“You wanted me to cut off both my breasts,” she hissed. “I was right not to, as it turned out.”
“That’s still a matter of opinion. Yes, you survived and beat the cancer but what evidence do you have that your natural remedies actually worked?”
She spread her arms wide, indicating her fit, healthy body. “The evidence is sitting before you.”
She looked good, no question. She always looked good to him, even when she was bloated and her hair had fallen out.
“What if you were to have a recurrence?” She turned her gaze away. He pushed harder. “Would you do anything different?” Still she didn’t say anything. “What makes you think you’d be lucky a second time?”
“You don’t understand anything.” She glanced back, her voice trembling. “If I’d had my breasts removed I wouldn’t have been able to nurse our children.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say, they wouldn’t even have children if she wasn’t alive. He stopped himself. She would never admit she was wrong. If he kept pressing her for an acknowledgment that her choice of treatments hadn’t been the safest, or reacted to her accusations about how he’d hurt her, they would keep on fighting.
“Can we please move on?” Katie added.
He was reluctant—they were talking, really talking, for the first time in years. And as far as he knew there was a chance she couldn’t even have kids after going through chemo. But he didn’t want to fight Katie, he never had. Now more than ever he wanted to be friends. Having Tuti come to live with him and seeing Katie again had stirred his old dreams of a home and family. It was probably wishful thinking but maybe if Katie got to know him again, if they could get past the old stuff, they might have a chance.
The way to her heart was through Tuti. Katie loved kids and she liked to be needed. And God knows, Tuti needed her. His family, while they were willing to help with Tuti, didn’t have Katie’s teaching skills. Plus their time was limited. His mother was willing to babysit when she could but she worked, writing a column for the local newspaper. Same went for his sisters, one a lawyer, the other running a café. He could hire a tutor but in spite of Katie’s claim that he didn’t know her any longer, he did know she had the patience and the resolve and the dedication Tuti needed. Tuti was in a foreign country with foreign customs and limited English. She was overwhelmed and the more familiar faces he could give her, the better it would be. So yes, for all those reasons, Katie did top his list of potential tutors.
The family at the next table was getting up to leave, strapping their baby into a stroller. Tuti would be back any second. John wanted a positive connection with Katie so they wouldn’t go back to being formal with each other. He took a breath and summoned the kind of courage that didn’t get exercised much on the police force.