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‘Do you need any help?’
‘No.’
She set the chair in motion and forced him to move out of the way. Finally he sat down on the swing opposite her chair.
‘So, what is it you want to talk to me about that’s so important you were prepared to brave Dad and his threat to run you off the property?’
Ryan smiled.
But it didn’t last long.
‘He said that?’
‘Mmm, he did.’ She paused a moment, wondering how much of the past she could raise without ramping up the tension that already buzzed in the air between them. On reflection, she realised she had nothing to lose. It wasn’t as if she was trying to impress Ryan, and he was well aware of her parents’ dislike for him.
Ryan gazed into her eyes and she jolted at the unexpected connection. The feeling was from the past—something that had been exclusive to them alone—an understanding that she and Ryan had used to consider a sign of their closeness.
But it served no purpose now. She wasn’t going to reveal how she really felt.
He finally spoke.
‘I’m going to be working down here. I start in two weeks in the new specialist rooms attached to your clinic.’
He stared, as if trying to gauge her reaction. And she produced the goods in the form of a violent blush. Her heart began to race again, but she was determined to keep her cool despite the overwhelming shock of his revelation.
‘I thought it was better for you to know in advance, rather than just bumping into me at work one day.’
She swallowed and concentrated on the calm evenness of her breathing.
‘You could’ve easily phoned.’ She wondered at his motives. She’d not heard from this man for nearly six years—
since he’d finally got the message she didn’t want to be reminded of the past by his e-mails and calls. All she knew of him was through the medical grapevine—he was a successful orthopaedic surgeon, three years after they broken up he had remarried, and the last she’d heard he was overseas.
‘I wanted to see you …’
Tara found that hard to believe.
‘Why?’ That gnawing pain in her heart that visited her every day was demanding an answer. Anger surfaced unexpectedly. ‘Were you frightened of what you might see?’
Ryan looked genuinely hurt—a totally unanticipated reaction. She hadn’t meant to be cruel, but her emotions were ruling what came out of her mouth.
‘Sorry,’ she muttered.
‘No … You’re absolutely right. I should have phoned. I didn’t realise seeing you without warning would upset you.’ His pupils dilated, which made their rim of blue the colour of bright sky reflected in black ice. ‘I’m the one who should be apologising.’
She still wasn’t quite sure why he’d gone to the trouble of driving all the way to Keysdale and then out to the farm. It wasn’t the sort of visit a person would plan on the offchance. She suddenly felt resentful that he’d upset the ordered balance of her life.
He looked down at his hands clasped in his lap and said quietly, ‘How are your parents?’
It was a question she wasn’t expecting. She thought a moment before replying.
‘You’re not part of our lives any more. I’d describe Mum’s attitude to you as ambivalent, and Dad … well … you saw what he was like when he answered the door. But I don’t think they actually hate you. It’s what happened—the accident—they both still blame you for that.’
Ryan reached for Tara’s hand but she snatched it away. Seeing him was traumatic enough. She didn’t want any physical contact because … because she wasn’t sure how she’d react. The old desire she thought she’d buried long ago was still there. It frightened her.
‘And you?’
Tara closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was hurting. Why was Ryan trawling through what had happened so long ago? No one was to blame for the accident. He was a good driver and had done what most people would have—tried to avoid their collision with a kangaroo. With devastating consequences. Her situation was a cross she had chosen to bear without him, and up until ten minutes ago she’d been managing perfectly okay.
She opened her eyes but didn’t look at Ryan.
‘You know I’ve never held you responsible.’ She sighed. ‘It happened, it was regrettable, but I’m over it and I think you should be too.’
Ryan brushed a piece of fluff from his sleeve.
‘Of course you’re right,’ he said. ‘But it isn’t enough to stop me feeling it was my fault. Can you understand how difficult it is for me to see you like …?’ The words seemed to stick in his throat and he swallowed.
Tara looked into the distance, trying to take on board what Ryan was saying. He was hurting too.
Neither of them could ever forget the crash and its aftermath, and sometimes Tara thought Ryan had been more damaged than she. His dreams had been blown apart—his career, the life they’d planned together, the children they’d so desperately wanted. They’d talked about her completing her GP training part-time. She’d been off the pill for a couple of months and the heartbreaking irony was that her period had been a week overdue. She’d planned on doing a home pregnancy test the following week, but the day after the accident she’d bled … and bled … and bled …
Another tragic loss.
It had been as if her lifeblood had drained from her, but she’d always put on a brave face.
Of course they both knew she was still physically capable of conceiving and bearing children. She’d assumed she was no longer sexually attractive to him, though, and even if she did have a child she would need help to look after it. With the long hours Ryan worked she would be effectively a single parent. Combined with her disability, the whole scenario was unworkable.
To her alarm, she was close to tears. She needed to change the direction of the conversation.
‘So you’ll be doing sessional work, I guess?’
He also seemed grateful for the change of subject.
‘I’ll be operating on Thursdays and consulting Fridays, with the option to do an extra theatre session on alternative Saturday mornings. I’ll stay overnight.’
‘Where are you planning to stay?’ she asked, purely out of curiosity.
‘I thought one of the motels. But if you can suggest anything better?’
She thought for a moment.
‘The Riverside is the best of the three motels in town. It’s off the highway and not far from the clinic.’ That was all the advice she was prepared to give.
‘Right. I’m staying over tonight, so I can check out the consulting rooms and meet with the manager to go through all the paperwork tomorrow morning. I can book in to the motel you suggested. I plan to head back about lunchtime.’
To his wife.
Tara wondered what she would think of her husband working away. But she certainly wasn’t going to delve into his personal life.
‘Can I pick you up and take you out to lunch before I leave?’
No way! What on earth was he thinking?
Tara tried not to let her disbelief show on her face and mustered a smile.
‘No, thanks, I’m busy all day tomorrow,’ she lied. ‘And I’m sure you’ll be keen to get home to your wife and family.’
‘Pardon?’
Hadn’t he heard her or didn’t he understand?
‘You’ll surely want to get home,’ she repeated.
‘To my wife and kids?’
Tara nodded.
‘That’s what I thought you said.’ His brow crinkled in a frown. ‘Of course—I shouldn’t have assumed you’d know.’
‘Know what?’
‘Shannay and I divorced over a year ago and she has custody of our daughter.’
He was waiting for a reaction but what did he expect? Should she express regret at the breakdown of his second marriage? This was too much for her to deal with. She’d had the idea, set in her mind, that Ryan would find the perfect woman, that he would have the perfect family. But divorce! It had never been in the equation.
‘Sorry,’ she finally said. ‘I heard you’d married again, but—’
‘To separate was the best option for both of us. We weren’t compatible and it wasn’t working out,’ he muttered.
He stood to leave. He was obviously uncomfortable talking about it.
‘I’ll get going, then,’ he added.
‘Yes. I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. so I’ll probably bump into you when you start your Friday sessions.’
Before she had a chance to recoil he leaned down and placed a brief kiss on her cheek, and his questioning eyes lingered on hers for a moment before he strode down the steps and headed for his car.
He’d certainly changed, but in a lot of ways was still the same Ryan Dennison she’d fallen in love with. That was all in the past, though, dead and buried.
But he was single.
Of course that didn’t alter anything, did it?
Seeing Tara again was like a rebirth.
Ryan had to deal with all the raw emotion, the painful memories, the turmoil of indecision he’d held inside for so long. To overcome the reality of the wretched, haunting past that intruded into his dreams, that followed him during every waking hour of every day, was a challenge he wasn’t sure he was ready for.
Did he blame himself?
How could he not?
He’d had control, he’d been at the wheel and his reflex reaction had resulted in the horrendous collision that had left Tara without the use of her legs.
The moment he’d realised Tara’s future had been snatched away from her he’d desperately wanted to turn back the clock. If he’d seen the kangaroo twenty seconds earlier, if he’d reacted faster, if the massive tree had been a few metres further along the road, if they’d left the party ten minutes earlier, if he hadn’t insisted they stop to buy a bottle of wine on the way home, if he could change places with her, if … There were so many ifs he thought he’d dealt with, but deep down he still nursed a guilt that was so sharp, it cut directly into his heart.
Visiting Tara had made him wish he’d tried harder to convince her she’d been more important to him than a career or money or a tribe of kids. He’d felt sure they could pick up the pieces, but had been rejected when Tara had told him her love had dried up. He’d been devastated, but in the end had genuinely believed he’d done what was best for them, what Tara wanted. She’d not wanted to even give him a chance to provide the love and caring he’d thought only he could give. Tara had been determined and immovable in her resolve that getting a divorce was the only way she could put the past behind her.
And, in a way, she’d been right.
She now had a fulfilled life with a satisfying job and she was more beautiful than ever. It wouldn’t surprise him if she had dozens of admirers and could have the pick of the bunch. In fact Ryan was surprised she hadn’t remarried.
But that was her business.
He had no right to interfere with what she’d worked so hard to achieve.
It wouldn’t be easy, but he’d just have to ignore the churning deep in his belly and the ache in his heart and get on with his own life. Thinking that there was even the remotest chance they could get back together was an aberration. Tara’s attitude to him had verified that.
Ryan slowed down as he reached the outskirts of the town. He suddenly felt exhausted. It had been a long day and he’d had an early start, which made the prospect of a hot cup of coffee and a soft bed very attractive.
The Riverside Motel, Tara had said.
He travelled slowly through Keysdale’s sleepy town centre until he saw a sign pointing east towards the river. After about half a kilometre the motel came into view, and he shifted his focus from ruminations about Tara to the practicalities of organising his accommodation for the night.
Two rows of tidy units nestled on the banks of the Keysdale River. Most had views of the lush green paddocks beyond and it was quiet, away from traffic noise and had an air of relaxed tranquillity about it.
He pulled up in front of the office, got out of his black sports car and stretched. He’d done too much driving that afternoon, and his right hip ached from the bursitis he got when he sat for too long. A bell above the office door tinkled as he opened it but there was no one inside. He gazed around, noting the tourist brochures advertising the history museum, a dairy called The Milk Factory, whitewater rafting and half a dozen local restaurants.
He took a double-take and grabbed a leaflet, but before he had a chance to look at it more closely a plump, middle-aged woman emerged from a back room.
She smiled and greeted him.
‘Hello, sir. Do you want a room?’
‘Yes, just for tonight.’ He explained his requirements for regular accommodation and they came to an arrangement.
‘Here’s your key. Your room’s nice and quiet with a wonderful view.’ She paused to take a breath. ‘Dinner is served from six-thirty to eight-thirty and there’s a menu in your room for breakfast orders.’
‘Thank you.’
The woman glanced at the leaflet he was still clutching in his hand.
‘Well worth a visit if you’ve time.’
‘Maybe next time,’ he said as he turned to leave.
‘Enjoy your stay, Mr Dennison.’
‘I’m sure I will,’ he said cheerily, trying to convince himself, but he knew he’d spend most of his spare time soul-searching.
Before he climbed into his car he had a closer look at the brochure.
THE MILK FACTORY.
EXPERIENCE A WORKING DAIRY FARM FIRST HAND
Ten kilometres south of Keysdale, on Hill Park Road.
He scrutinised the photo then unfolded the leaflet.
Open for tours. Devonshire teas.
10 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekends and public holidays
Dairy tours including real-life milking 3 p.m.
Proprietors: Graham and Jane Fielding
He hadn’t even noticed.
There would have been signs. How could he have missed them? He must have been so focused on seeing Tara he’d been oblivious to anything else.
But it made him think.
Were the Fieldings struggling to make ends meet?
Did Tara have to go out to work?
Did the accident have anything to do with their situation?
He felt discomfort in the pit of his stomach.
So much had changed in the years since he’d lost contact with Tara and her family. His ex-wife certainly had.
He drove to his unit, grabbed his briefcase and overnight bag and let himself in. He rummaged in a tiny cupboard above the sink, found a sachet of instant coffee and filled the kettle. When the brew was made, he opened the sliding door which led to the veranda. The setting sun cast long shadows across the river and a cow’s gentle mooing echoed in the quiet. He seemed to have the place to himself.
With time to think.
About Tara.
It was impossible to erase her, and all the reasons he’d fallen in love with her more than a decade ago, from his mind.
She was even more beautiful than he remembered, and her fighting spirit had not been dulled by circumstance or time.
It suddenly occurred to him that he’d found out what he needed to know—he still loved her.
But he didn’t have the faintest idea what to do about it.
After Ryan left, Tara needed some alone time to gather her thoughts, so she stayed on the veranda and watched a golden sun sink slowly towards the horizon.
Why?
Why now?
She’d mourned her decision to send Ryan away every day. The flame of her love for him still burned brightly, and seeing him again. It was like a dam bursting—as if time had stood still for those eight years and suddenly she was looking into the eyes of the man who, for her, would always be her soul mate.
How should she react?
He was divorced, but there was no way they could start again. She had a satisfying life she’d worked hard to achieve and Ryan had his life in the city. It shouldn’t be difficult to act cool and detached and very professional. After all she would rarely see him.
Yes … cool, detached and professional. She could do that.
Couldn’t she?
CHAPTER TWO
‘THE new orthopaedic surgeon starts today,’ said Kaylee, the young receptionist, as she operated the pneumatic lift that moved Tara’s wheelchair from her vehicle and placed it on the ground. Tara preferred to use her electric chair at work, as it provided greater manoeuvrability, but getting it on and off her vehicle was one of the few things she couldn’t manage herself and had reluctantly learned to live with.
‘I know.’ Tara had been counting the days and psyching herself up for her first meeting with Ryan in the workplace. None of the staff were aware of her history with him. Of course some of the close-knit community knew she’d been married, but Ryan was a city man, born and bred. He’d hated the idea of any kind of fuss and had always been a reluctant participant in their rare visits to the farm. And, the way she was feeling right now, it was a good thing. She didn’t want the burden of gossip to stress her any more than she was already. She certainly wasn’t prepared for a public airing of her past, which she’d spent the best part of the last eight years trying to forget.
Not yet. Not today.
She’d also had time to think about his visit to the farm two weeks ago and had pondered on his motives. In fact she’d questioned long and hard about why he would choose a job in Keysdale when not only did he hate rural life but he probably had the pick of any position he wanted?
The questions burned and she needed some answers … from Ryan.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the young receptionist.
‘And Jenny said he’s gorgeous.’
Kaylee positioned the wheelchair next to the driver’s seat and stood back as Tara used the strength in her arms to shift into it. The girl seemed oblivious to the flush of embarrassment that warmed Tara’s cheeks and prattled on.
‘Jen met him when he came down a couple of weekends ago. She said he’s really nice, as well as good-looking.’
‘What about the paediatrician? Isn’t she starting today as well?’
Tara was desperate to change the subject. She didn’t need to know that her ex-husband had already charmed at least one of the female staff, and probably the whole Saturday morning team.
‘Yeah, this afternoon. Val’s putting on a special lunch to welcome them both, and she’s asked their receptionist not to overbook on the first day so they’ll have time to meet us all.’
‘Oh.’
Tara had prepared herself for the possibility that she’d bump into Ryan at some stage during the day. The brand-new specialist offices, although housed in an extension to the GP clinic building, were separate and self-contained. They had their own reception area, procedure room and consulting suites, but the lunch room was shared. She’d planned to eat a sandwich in her room and catch up with her paperwork, but that wasn’t an option now. She’d be expected to make an appearance, at least.
Kaylee walked beside her as she steered through the self-opening doors and made her way to the busy waiting area, past Reception then to the doctors’ rooms beyond.
‘See you later,’ the teenager said as their paths diverged.
Tara nodded and forced a smile, eager to reach the privacy of her consulting room so she could take a minute or two to compose herself. She’d never had a panic attack at work and she wasn’t about to change that today.
Ryan scanned the room full of chattering staff but couldn’t see Tara. He lingered a moment in the doorway, taking in the table laden with a bounty of home-cooked food, but was soon approached by the principal doctor at Keysdale Medical Clinic, Rob Whelan. The man greeted Ryan with a welcoming grin.
‘I’ll introduce you to the mob, and then you can eat …’ his grin broadened ‘… and mingle.’
Rob reeled off a long list of names Ryan would never remember to associate with the endless stream of nodding, smiling faces. Then, his gaze automatically following his colleague’s, he turned, and it was as if the waters parted. People moved out of the way as Tara wheeled herself into the room with a barely suppressed scowl on her face and rosy colour in her cheeks.
‘And last but not least …’ Rob said, resting his hand lightly on Tara’s shoulder. ‘Dr Tara Fielding.’ He glanced at Ryan. ‘This is Ryan Dennison, our new visiting orthopaedic surgeon.’
Thank God Tara had reverted to her maiden name, averting a possible problem he hadn’t thought of until now.
At that moment Rob’s attention was taken by the timely arrival of Karin Hooper, the new paediatrician. Rob began the introduction ritual all over again, and Ryan was grateful the spotlight had moved away from him and Tara, who was still right next to him, waiting for her turn in the short queue for the food. She reluctantly shook his offered hand as he leaned over to talk to her.
‘I’m glad to finally meet you, Dr Fielding. I’ve heard so much about you.’ It was an attempt at humour to lighten Tara’s mood but he wasn’t sure if it had worked.
She answered him with a cool smile as she released his hand from a momentary grip of steel.
‘Ouch,’ he couldn’t help exclaiming.
‘Sorry.’ She was grinning now but still looked tense … guarded. ‘Sometimes I forget my own strength.’ She picked up two plates and handed one to Ryan, who promptly discarded the fleeting thought of offering to serve her food. He had much to learn.
‘How has your day been so far? Not too snowed under with Keysdale’s unique brand of orthopaedic problems?’ It was inconsequential small talk.
He laughed politely. ‘You mean crush fractures from being stepped on by livestock and strain injuries from overdosing on fencing?’
‘You’ve got the idea.’
While he was talking Ryan watched in wonder as Tara effortlessly multi-tasked, deftly moving her chair into impossibly small spaces while at the same time loading her plate with enough to feed a professional athlete.
She paused a moment and looked at his empty plate.
‘Aren’t you hungry?’ she asked.
‘Oh … er … yes.’ He stuttered his reply, not prepared to admit he’d been too busy watching her. After shouldering his way through the tightly packed occupants of the small lunch room, he began to select food from the abundance before him. By the time he’d filled his plate Tara had moved to the other side of the room and was deep in conversation with a woman he remembered, from her name tag, was a physiotherapist.
Balancing his plate in one hand, he headed in Tara’s direction but was stopped midway by a tap on his shoulder. He turned.
‘Sorry to desert you,’ Rob Whelan said amiably. ‘I wanted to have a word with you about the possibility of you doing some extra consulting—maybe on the Saturday mornings you’re not operating?’
If Ryan’s appointment book was anything to go by, the services of an orthopaedic surgeon in the town were desperately needed, but he was over-committed as it was.
‘I’m sorry, I’m on call at St Joseph’s one weekend in four, and …’ He hesitated, deciding whether Rob, a relative stranger, needed to know about the custody arrangements he had for access to his daughter. As it was, he only saw her one weekend a month, and that time was precious.
If things had been different … He sighed.
‘And?’ Rob raised his eyebrows, as if he sensed Ryan’s discomfort but his curiosity overrode tact. Maybe it was the country way—that everyone had a God-given right to know everyone else’s business. But it wasn’t Ryan’s way.
‘I have regular family commitments on most of my free weekends.’ His use of the word free was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but the vague comment was all he was prepared to give at the moment. ‘And I think you’ll find things will settle down in a month or two, once I work through the backlog of referrals and start seeing follow-ups.’
Rob rubbed his chin and pressed his mouth into a thin line.
‘I thought as much.’ The older doctor’s grin reappeared. ‘But, you know, if your situation changes the offer stands.’