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After four rings, he answered, drums crashing in the background.
‘What’s up, baby girl? It’s been a while.’ The all too familiar raspy voice enveloped Amanda with warmth – a warmth that made the tears fall hard and heavy once again.
‘Amanda, Amanda, what’s wrong?’ Dan’s usually calm voice was now filled with concern. It pained Amanda, as she encouraged the words to come out of her mouth. She didn’t want him to worry about her. ‘You have to tell me what’s wrong. Are you OK?’ She heard him turn to the others and yell at them to stop all the noise. Dan didn’t yell.
‘Dan, Dan, he’s gone,’ she whispered into the phone, the tears still streaming, making her cough with their salty taste. She tugged at the blanket. The drums went quiet. She knew Dan must be busy with rehearsal, but he stayed with her. Amanda clutched the phone tight to her ear. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, but they didn’t need to. Dan let her grieve, not rushing her to speak or answer questions. He simply waited. He would always wait.
‘It doesn’t seem real,’ Amanda said, her words cracking as she finally spoke.
‘Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ Dan said. He was sniffling; he was crying too but trying to be strong for her. He was doing a better job of it than she had done for her mum and sisters. ‘I will be there in two days, OK?’
Amanda was quiet, trying her best to calm her breathing and listen to Dan’s words. Once they registered, she surprised herself by laughing through her sobs. She sat up, uncurling her back. ‘Don’t be daft – you’re busy. Sabrina was telling me you guys have so much to do before the album releases.’
‘You’re the one being daft if you think I’m going to stay away,’ Dan said, a little of his calmness back in check.
‘Dan, it’s OK. Really. I imagine it will only be a couple of days before we head to Italy, so it’s OK, really it is.’ Mum and the girls had talked about what would happen when either nonni passed, just to be prepared. Right now, Amanda felt as though she was far from prepared. Their nonni wanted to go back to Italy and they had all agreed. It would be a busy few days, but Amanda would see the plan through and make sure her grandpa got his wish.
Though hearing Dan’s voice had lightened her heavy heart somewhat, him being next to her was what she needed most, but she couldn’t allow that. He was busy. She couldn’t cry on his shoulder day after day when he had a band to worry about and his own family to think about. It wasn’t fair.
‘Hey,’ Dan whispered softly, ‘be with your family now, baby girl. Go and sit with Nanna and laugh, just laugh and fill that house with memories of your grandpa. I know it will be hard but his memory lives through you now. He’s still there – you know he’s still there. You know how stubborn he is. He won’t ever leave you and I will be with you soon.’ Dan’s words caused Amanda to chuckle again. He was right, of course. Dan was always right. ‘And if you need me you call me, day or night; you just call me, OK?’
‘How are you always right?’ Amanda replied. Her heart rate quickened as Dan’s gentle laugh filled the line. She didn’t want him to go but she needed to be with her family; she needed to be strong for them. ‘I’ll talk to you soon, OK? And thank you, Dan, thank you.’
‘Love you, baby girl.’
***
The heavens had opened as Louisa frantically grabbed at her portfolio of designs, trying to keep it under the umbrella that was doing its utmost to escape her firm grip. A car whizzed past grazing the puddles that lined the pavement. She let out a sigh of relief. She needed to make the next bus before the weather grew worse. She quickened her pace as a strong gust of wind sent her umbrella twirling through the air. In the very same moment, a car flew past with no concern for pedestrians and sent a wave of water over her, soaking her and her precious portfolio through. It was just her luck today.
By the time she walked through the door of her student accommodation, Louisa was drenched, her work ruined and her heart heavy. Throwing her dripping shoes and sodden bags to the side she went in search of food. She was starved. The fridge bore nothing, and her stomach grumbled with disapproval. Grabbing the only thing she could find, a banana, she made her way to the couch and sunk into it, just as her phone beeped with a text.
‘Grandpa just wanted to say hello and see how your exam went today? Love Mum.’ Louisa read the text and promptly burst into tears. How could she let Grandpa down? The exam had been awful. She had messed everything up. She was behind on coursework and was coming up empty on inspiration. This wasn’t the life she had envisioned when she thought about moving to London.
When starting up her course in fashion at London College of Fashion at King’s Cross, she had dreamed big. She had chosen London because she wanted to immerse herself in the fashion industry and London offered it all. Not only was the course fantastic but the fashion scene in London was incredible as well. From bloggers, to agencies, to fashion week, the opportunities were endless.
But here she was six months later, struggling to meet the demands of the course and missing home terribly. She placed the banana on the coffee table, suddenly not feeling very hungry. Glancing at her phone, she noticed she had a bunch of notifications. Scrolling through absent-mindedly she paused on her sister Sabrina’s latest Instagram photo. She wore a gorgeous sleek black skater dress and her barely there make-up made her look like an immaculate doll.
Louisa hated the tug of jealousy that she felt. Sabrina had it all and she hadn’t even been able to score one fashion event or get one A since she’d been in London. Furthermore, she had failed miserably in keeping to her word and visiting home, and it was only two hours away. Fiddling with her wet hair with one hand and giving her sister’s picture a like with the other, she took a deep breath in and went in search of her suitcases.
***
Louisa had been there with Grandpa when the coroner came to take him away. She had stood motionless, unable to speak, unable to move. Her mind was grateful that he hadn’t suffered and that he had been able to go the way he did. At ninety-six she couldn’t be selfish and complain that she hadn’t had enough time with him. Yet her heart argued that she could complain. It wanted to scream to the heavens; it wanted to bring her grandpa back. Her heart wasn’t as selfless as her brain. She wanted more time. Though she saw her grandpa every day, it still hadn’t been enough.
After she collapsed for the second time against the wall, Mum suggested that they get some air. They were now both wrapped up in Grandpa’s heavy outdoor coats, the ones he sometimes used to do the gardening in when it was icy out. They were taking a walk around the block.
The sky was a rich, inky black, the air causing her warm skin to cool at its icy touch. As the wind whipped around her face, Louisa began to feel her mind ease. She could see the stars twinkling above and naturally looked out for the brightest one.
‘He’s not gone far.’ Mum spoke softly, her gaze too on the brightest gold star above. ‘Not really. We can talk to him every day.’
‘You know I will, Mum,’ Louisa said, with pause. ‘Mum? Do you think he was proud of me? I mean, I didn’t finish uni and he didn’t get to see me have a proper job like Amanda and Sabrina. Do you think he was disappointed in me?’ Small sobs seeped out as Louisa spoke.
Mum stopped walking and turned to face her youngest daughter. ‘Oh, sweetheart, of course he was proud of you. Don’t you ever think otherwise. He adored you and loved that you gave London a go. He was proud of you for trying it and for taking a chance. And, honey, you know he was elated when you came back. My goodness, he wouldn’t have said it for fear of stopping you going after your dreams, but having you back at home made him happier than any degree you could have gotten. Selfish or not, sweetheart, he loved getting to spend time with you each day. He couldn’t have been prouder of the women you all grew to be. The love you have for him and the family – oh he never stopped talking about you.’
Louisa’s eyes were blurry, tears filling up at an alarming speed, a mixture of happy tears flowing with the sad ones. She reached her arms around her mum’s neck and hugged her tight, words having escaped her. She thought about all the designs she and her grandpa had come up with and all his favourites and wondered what on earth she was supposed to do without her biggest muse. The tears wouldn’t stop.
Mum rubbed her back before stepping back and looking Louisa straight in the eyes. ‘Sweetheart, he treasured every moment you spent together and loved being a part of your life. Every day I’d hear about a sketch you had drawn and even when you weren’t there he was making notes of some design or clothing someone wore on TV that he thought you might like. Honey, you are amazing, and he knew that and believed it with all he had.’ She paused, rubbing Louisa’s arms. ‘Come on, let’s get back inside – it’s getting a bit nippy,’ Mum added, giving Louisa a tight squeeze. She stayed like that for a few moments before leading the way back to the house.
Louisa rested her head on her mum’s shoulder as they walked back towards the house. The roads were peaceful now. Only a few cars raced by while they walked. The fresh air was bringing back feeling to Louisa’s numb bones. With every step came a stab of pain. Tears came and went as she thought happy thoughts in between the sad ones. She thought about how she needed to get her designs out into the world and make her grandpa proud and she thought about his voice, his smile and his hugs and how much she needed them. The mixture of emotions was torture. They walked back into the house and found Amanda sitting on the stairs.
‘Hey,’ Amanda said, standing to greet them. Louisa noticed she looked a little pale and her smile was forced. ‘Fancy helping me in the kitchen?’ she asked Louisa.
Louisa appreciated her sister’s efforts and smiled broadly, knowing what her sister was thinking. ‘Sure, I think it’s what everyone needs right now,’ Louisa replied, taking off Grandpa’s jacket and abandoning her thoughts for a little while. She needed the break.
Sabrina and Nanna were huddled around the kitchen table, staring into their coffee mugs, while their dad was keeping busy refilling the kettle. Louisa walked over to their dad and took over making coffee.
‘Dad, do you want to take Mum and Nanna into the living room and get the fire on?’ she asked, gently taking the kettle from his shaking hands.
‘Course I can, sweetheart, thank you,’ he replied, kissing her forehead.
Louisa was used to her grandparents’ house being full of warmth, love and laughter, as it had been just yesterday. She took a deep breath, with no energy left for any more tears, and knew what Grandpa would do in this situation to make everything a little better. She had to keep him with her and she knew exactly what that meant. It seemed so did Amanda.
Louisa grabbed Sabrina by the hand and pulled her to her feet. She passed her the chopping board and a tomato and hugged her tight. Giving Sabrina a task would help distract her and keep her busy. She then set about collecting a pan and joining Amanda in getting together all the other ingredients they needed to make her favourite pastina. Grandpa had fed this to her way before she ever got her first tooth. It was comfort food at its finest.
Side by side the girls chopped tomatoes and celery, boiled the water and added the seasonings, before sprinkling in handfuls of the tiny pasta to the water to let it cook. In no time, the simple dish was ready. Louisa gathered up bowls, while Amanda added a plate of toast to the tray and Sabrina carried the coffee into the living room.
Louisa sat cross-legged by the coffee table, placing her bowl of steaming hot pastina in front of her. For a few moments, no one spoke. She stared into the steam, willing her moments of strength she had had in the kitchen to continue. She looked around the room and as the aroma of fresh celery, cherry tomatoes and Dialbrodo filled the room, Louisa could see grateful smiles form on everyone’s faces.
It was too much. Her strength vanished as pools of tears gathered in her eyes. His face was missing – his kind, soft, always grateful face was missing from the bunch. She curled her toes underneath her and with shaking hands picked up her spoon. She didn’t want her nanna to see her tears. She wanted to be strong for everyone.
She closed her eyes, sniffed and placed a spoonful of the baby pasta in her mouth. The buttery flavour and slight crunch of the celery satisfied her taste buds. A small smile appeared on her face as she recalled how her grandpa had made her pastina a million times, probably, over the years. It was still her favourite.
She looked up to see colour was rising back into her nanna’s cheeks and Dad was filling up Mum’s bowl with some more soup. The fireplace now boasted golden flames that were keeping them all nice and toasty, but not too toasty, of course; heeding Grandpa’s words, they were careful not to roast.
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