Earth to Hell

I raised my hand to hush her and we walked down the carpet again. Even more Celestials had turned up. The hall was nearly full.

We did the obeisance thing at the base of the dais, and this time the Emperor quickly told us to rise.

We stood and waited.

Er Lang raised a scroll and read from it, sounding unhappy. This time he was in human form, appearing as a normal, good-looking young Chinese warrior. His third eye was closed and undetectable. ‘Lady Emma Donahoe, step forward.’

I moved to the base of the steps that led up to the throne.

The Jade Emperor rose from the throne and raised one hand. ‘Approach, Lady Emma.’

I bowed slightly, then climbed the stairs to the top. A young woman in a floating pink robe appeared behind the Emperor holding a black and silver cloisonné casket. The casket was about thirty centimetres long.

At the top of the stairs I fell to one knee and saluted again.

You are very good at this, the Emperor said.

I winked at him on the way back up.

He gestured for me to stand beside him and face the hall, and I did. The raised faces of hundreds of Celestials shone below me. Simone watched from the bottom of the dais, her own expression full of pride.

‘Lady Emma Donahoe is the Chosen of the Supreme Lord of the Dark Northern Heavens,’ the Emperor said loudly.

Everybody in the hall went completely still and silent. The Emperor’s voice echoed through the vast space.

‘The Dark Lord appointed Lady Emma to be Regent. She has been kept on probation; her performance has been monitored.’

He nodded and the young woman approached with the casket. He opened the lid to reveal a black jade ruyi — a thirty-centimetre long ornamental sceptre shaped like an archer’s bow, with a cloud design on one end and a set of pa kua symbols on the other. Twining snakes adorned the centre of the rod. Its flattened body had a central knob on the underside to hold it when it sat on the desk. ‘Ruyi’ meant ‘as one wills’. It was a symbolic representation of the holder’s will and a fung shui method of gaining positive outcomes to decisions. Most of the Celestials in the hall held them as indicators of rank.

The Jade Emperor carefully lifted the ruyi out of the box and turned to me. He spoke loudly and firmly as he held the sceptre out. ‘This ruyi represents the Dark Lord’s dominion. Lady Emma is no longer on probation; we confirm her rank and station as Regent of the Dark Northern Heavens, Ruler of the Celestial Mountain of Wudang, and Acting First Heavenly General.’

I froze. First Heavenly General? I didn’t have time for that! Simone had exams coming up, and the students needed to be organised after the end-of-year holiday trips home. And it was tax time soon.

Only in name, don’t panic, Emma, the Emperor said. Er Lang can handle it.

I breathed a quiet sigh of relief, took the sceptre with both hands and bowed.

Turn to face them holding the ruyi, he said, then switched to out loud. ‘We confirm Lady Emma Donahoe as Regent of the Dark Northern Heavens. Obey her as you obey the Dark Lord.’

Everybody in the hall, even Simone, silently fell to one knee and saluted me; except for Kwan Yin who just nodded.

I turned to the Jade Emperor, knelt on one knee and saluted him as First Heavenly General with the ruyi resting in the crook of my left elbow. I sneaked a look at Er Lang; he was glowering at me. Uh-oh.

‘Dismissed,’ the Emperor said.

I saluted him again, rose, and walked down the stairs to stand next to Simone.

Simone was called up next, and another box was pulled out.

‘Princess Simone is given Celestial Endorsement,’ the Emperor said. He pulled a jade tablet out of the box and presented it to her. ‘She may call upon the Celestial any time.’

Simone bowed and returned to stand next to me. The Jade Emperor returned to his throne.

Er Lang read from the scroll. ‘Princess Simone is ordered to take Celestial Form.’

‘Move back, Emma,’ Simone said softly. ‘This is going to be big.’

She was right. It was huge. Her robes didn’t appear as fabric at all; they were holes in reality, with stars sparkling inside them. She wore the universe as clothing. Her immensely long black hair didn’t make it to the floor; it floated in a Celestial breeze. Clouds of yin moved in and out of the strands of her hair, filling the air with sleet that hissed as it hit the floor around her. Her enormous black eyes shone in her expressionless forbidding face. She summoned Seven Stars and held the bare dark blade in front of her. The sword had seven indentations, each centring on a hole that went right through the blade.

A commotion erupted to our left among the Celestials. A young man in human form wearing blue and silver armour stormed out of the crowd onto the carpet and planted himself next to me facing the Jade Emperor. I recognised him: the Dragon Prince that Simone had mentioned. He was one of Qing Long’s sons, about number five or six.

‘I demand the right to challenge for Princess Simone’s hand,’ the dragon said. ‘As her father is not sentient and present, you are able to grant her hand.’

The Jade Emperor rose to speak but Simone spoke first.

Her voice echoed, as icy as any her father used, sending a chill up my spine.

‘I will give you my hand, on three conditions.’

‘Name them, Princess,’ the dragon said defiantly.

‘One,’ Simone said, ‘You must defeat the Lady Emma in armed combat. Not to the death, as she is not Immortal.’

Quick, Emma, she said into my head. Pull out the Murasame and do something really impressive.

I tossed the ruyi to the Tiger, who held it floating above the floor. I whipped the Murasame out of its scabbard — I’d perfected a technique that made the yin blade hiss as it came out. I held the blade in front of me, filled it with chi, and performed the first five moves of the highest-level Wudang sword kata as fast as I could. The chi made the sword trail a golden image as it sang through the air. I stopped and saluted the dragon with the sword, then pulled the chi out and lowered it. He watched, eyes wide, as condensation dripped from the end of the cold, dark blade.

‘Lady Emma is the finest human student the Dark Lord has ever seen,’ Simone said as if from a million miles away. ‘She can take down any level of demon with the sword known as the Destroyer, which was a gift from the Demon King himself.’

Before resheathing the sword I held it over the back of my wrist. Red, I willed, please be red, and then lightly ran the blade crosswise over my wrist. Red blood welled where the impossibly sharp blade touched me. I raised the blade a few centimetres above the wound and the blood spun up from my arm and disappeared into the dark metal. I returned the blade to its scabbard on my back, then concentrated and healed the wound.

Oh God, Emma, I’m sorry, Simone said into my head. I completely forgot.

Tell her, not a problem, I said to the stone.

Yes, a problem! she retorted. What if it had been black?

I shrugged imperceptibly.

The dragon had watched me feed the blade with wide eyes. He pulled himself together and turned back to Simone, defiant again. ‘What else, Princess?’

‘Next you must defeat me in battle,’ Simone said, perfectly calm. She raised Seven Stars to the side. ‘Again, not to the death, as I also am not Immortal.’

‘And?’ the dragon said.

‘Then, after defeating Lady Emma, and defeating me, the suitor must embrace me.’ She summoned yin over her raised arms so that it floated around her pale hands and the blade of the sword. ‘Embrace me, and my nature. Embrace my yin.’

The dragon gasped and took a step back. ‘Touch the yin?’

‘Embrace the yin,’ Simone said, her voice still echoing eerily. ‘Embrace my true nature.’

The hall filled with complete silence as the dragon watched the yin writhe over Simone’s arms and the enormous blade.

He fell to one knee and bowed his head. ‘I withdraw my challenge.’

Phew, Simone said. He’s a good fighter too.

‘Go with honour, Dragon Lord,’ Simone said out loud. ‘I am honoured by your attention.’ She raised her head. ‘Those are the conditions for any who wishes to have my hand. Defeat Lady Emma. Defeat me. And then embrace my yin.’

She dismissed Seven Stars, changed back to human form, and nodded to the Jade Emperor. ‘Celestial Majesty. By your leave, Lady Emma and I must prepare for a journey to Hell.’

‘Dismissed,’ the Jade Emperor said. His eyes were full of amusement. Excellent job. Well done. Bai Hu is going to shout at you for a long time, Simone, but don’t worry, it will work out.

I held my hand out and the Tiger passed the ruyi back to me. Simone and I fell to one knee and saluted the Jade Emperor as senior Retainers, then turned and walked out of the hall together, with the Tiger and Kwan Yin following.

General Qin appeared in the doorway. ‘Holy Bodhisattva Kwan Yin. Lady Emma Donahoe, Confirmed Regent of the Dark Northern Heavens, First Heavenly General. Lord Bai Hu, Emperor of the Western Heavens. Princess Simone, only human daughter of the Dark Lord of the Northern Heavens.’ Great job, ladies.

Oh. You didn’t have the precedence until you were off probation, Simone said. Way to go, Emma. First Heavenly General! Way cool!

‘You say cool far too much,’ I growled under my breath.

A litany followed me down the stairs back to the preparation room. Cool cool cool cool cool!

Bai Hu leaned his elbows on the dining table and held his head in his hands. He rubbed his hands over his face and looked at us, despairing. ‘I really don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with you two. That was beyond stupid.’

‘I thought we handled it okay, Uncle Bai,’ Simone said. ‘At least we won’t have all these Celestials trying to marry me.’

‘Expect at least two dozen challenges in the next two weeks, Emma,’ Bai Hu said.

‘No way,’ I said. ‘If they win, they have to face Simone. And if they win that, they have to touch the yin. They don’t have the nerve.’

‘Nothing to do with the yin, girls. Simone, you just declared open season on Emma. Anyone who wants to match skills with her can try. Every guy in Heaven who thinks he’s halfway good will be calling her out.’

‘Oh.’ Simone’s face fell. ‘I hadn’t thought of it like that.’ She turned to me, full of remorse. ‘I’m so sorry, Emma.’

I shrugged. ‘Not an issue. I’ll be able to practise against some good opponents, it’s not to the death, and if they win, they won’t dare to take it further because they’re all scared to death of the yin.’

‘And another thing,’ the Tiger said. ‘You said that anybody that wants your hand has to do these three things. What, you plan on never having a boyfriend at all? You gonna be a goddamn nun? How many guys out there can actually physically touch yin? Guys that aren’t related to you, daughter of yin? You just made yourself pretty much permanently unavailable for marriage for the rest of your life.’

Simone shrugged. ‘So? I’ll just never marry. If I really like a guy we’ll move in together.’

‘It’s your hand in the sense of your hand in the bond of love, Simone,’ the Tiger said grimly. ‘More than just marriage. If you want to have a live-in relationship with anybody, Celestial or human, they have to touch the yin.’

Simone opened her mouth and then closed it again.

‘Don’t worry about it, Simone,’ I said. ‘We’ll just cross that bridge when we come to it. It’ll work out. Use the declaration as a shield. When you’re older and ready, you can change it.’

‘You can’t change something like that,’ the Tiger said, still grim.

‘Whatever. Right now it’ll keep all those losers off your back.’

‘Starting with that little blue creep,’ Simone said with relish. ‘God, I loved the look on his face when he thought about touching the yin. He’s been so arrogant, expecting me to just fall at his feet because he’s so freaking gorgeous.’

‘He’s Qing Long’s,’ I said. ‘I wonder if any of his children haven’t inherited his attitude?’

‘Nope,’ the Tiger said.

‘So. Hell,’ Simone said. ‘Help us out here, Uncle Bai. What do we need to take with us?’

Bai Hu leaned back and put his hands on the table. ‘Right. Hell. This is what you need to do.’

I came around on the couch at home, with the Tiger’s concerned face above me. I sat up. ‘I’m okay.’

Simone sat on the opposite couch, still in her robes.

‘How long was I out this time?’ I said.

‘Only a couple of minutes. It’s quicker every time. Soon you’ll be able to transport without losing consciousness at all,’ the Tiger said.

Monica heard us and came out of the kitchen. ‘Welcome back, ma’am.’ She saw the armour and the sword. ‘Did everything work out okay?’

‘It’s all fine.’ I rose and headed into the kitchen. ‘Could you make us some tea? We need to talk.’

‘There are a lot of messages for you as well, ma’am,’ Monica said.

I pulled off the sword and the armour and dropped them onto the floor next to the pantry. Simone headed towards her room, probably to change out of the robes. The Tiger and I sat across the kitchen table from each other. Monica put a pot of Chinese tea in front of the Tiger and a mug of Ceylon tea in front of me and we nodded our thanks. Notes and envelopes covered the table, and the Tiger picked a few up to read them. I slapped his hand and he grimaced and dropped them.

‘Dinner at home tonight, ma’am?’ Monica said.

‘Yes, thanks, Monica.’

I flipped through the envelopes. Mostly bills, they could be handled later. I checked the phone messages. Three from staff on the Mountain. Two from Generals. One from the bank. One from Simone’s teacher, asking me to call her back urgently.

Simone returned in a pair of scruffy jeans and a T-shirt. She had let her hair down without brushing it and it formed tangled skeins around her head. I waved the note at her. ‘You been up to anything at school?’

‘Nope.’ She pulled a box of lemon tea out of the fridge and sat with it. ‘As far as I know I’m not in trouble about anything, but I’ve skipped a few classes lately, and you didn’t ring them this morning to tell them I wasn’t going to be there.’

‘Oh yeah, that’s right,’ I said. ‘You have to remind me, Simone. I have too much going on all at the same time.’

‘I’ve got a bunch of notes for you too.’ She jumped up and went out.

‘Just bring them directly,’ the Tiger said to her back.

‘I’m not lazy like you,’ she retorted without turning around.

I moaned and leaned on the table. ‘This school is solely responsible for the destruction of countless rainforests. She brings home a mountain of notes every week. It’s okay for the mothers at home who have time to attend endless morning teas and tennis socials, but I have better things to do with my time.’

‘You wouldn’t have that problem —’ the Tiger began.

I cut him off. ‘If she went to Celestial High. I know. But she wants to be normal.’

He snorted, and opened his mouth to say something, but Simone came in with a stack of notes and put them in front of me. ‘This is from last week too.’

I quickly flipped through the information and stopped at an envelope with ‘Mr and Mrs Chen’ typewritten on the outside. I glared at Simone, but she just shrugged. ‘No idea.’

‘I ring them every time to tell them to address stuff to me,’ I grumbled as I opened the envelope. I read the note, then threw it on the table. ‘You’ve been missing too many classes lately and they want to talk to me immediately. They want me to contact your teacher right now for an interview.’

‘I don’t want to repeat Year Nine, Emma. Please go and talk to them,’ Simone said.

‘If she went to Celestial High —’ the Tiger began.

Simone cut him off. ‘I’m not going to any Celestial High full of Celestial freaks. I want to stay down here with normal people.’

‘What does that make me?’ the Tiger said gruffly.

‘The biggest freak of all,’ she shot back. She turned to me. ‘Please, Emma, talk to my teacher. Give them some excuse. Tell them I have cancer or something and I need chemo …’ She changed her appearance so that she appeared ten kilos lighter. Her cheeks went hollow and her eyes sunk. ‘Tell them I’m dying and I can’t attend because of that.’

‘I’ll email your teacher and arrange an interview for after we’ve come back from Hell,’ I said. ‘I need to check my email anyway. And don’t let me forget to write you a note to say that you’re sick.’ I sighed with exasperation. ‘And change back, that looks awful.’

Her appearance returned to normal. ‘I can’t hold it for long anyway.’

I rose from the table. ‘I’d better check my email, it’ll be backed up forever.’

‘You two have been gone just a few hours and you still forgot to do a lot of important stuff,’ the Tiger said, waving his teacup at the notes on the table. ‘You should hire a secretary.’

‘Look, the two of us already have two live-in staff,’ I said. ‘If I hire someone else, it’ll just be more people for me to manage. And remember, we’re trying to keep as normal a profile as possible. We’re already unusual in that we have a domestic helper whose husband has a job outside. A home secretary would be complete overkill, especially since I’m just supposed to be Simone’s guardian and nothing more.’

I rose, picked up my tea and went to the office. I had nearly two hundred messages. I ran the spam filter then checked the remainder. There were still a hundred and fifty left.

I filed the info memos from the Heavens, the Academy and the Mountain, and flipped through the important stuff. There was a message from Simone’s teacher, three situations requiring my attention in the Northern Heavens, and two more about the Academy.

And nearly seventy-five messages of congratulation on my appointment as First Heavenly General. Some of them were obviously grudging.

Wonderful.

CHAPTER 8

When I got home from the Academy the next day, I could hear the yelling from the lift lobby. I hesitated at the apartment’s front door, then opened it and went in. The yelling was louder: two male voices, probably in the dining room. I kicked my shoes off and hurried in. The Tiger and Michael both stopped shouting and glared at me. Simone was there as well. She shook her head and sighed with exasperation.

The Tiger thrust his hand towards Michael. ‘Stupid bastard wants to go with you.’

I leaned on the back of one of the dining chairs. ‘You can’t, Michael, you’re not Immortal.’

‘Neither are you. And neither is she,’ Michael said, gesturing towards Simone. He dropped his arm and spoke with force. ‘I want to help Leo out. Let me come along and talk to him.’ He glared at the Tiger. ‘He was like a father to me. I think he’d listen to me.’

‘Oh, thank you very much.’ The Tiger pulled a chair out and flopped to sit. ‘What does that make me?’

‘Irrelevant,’ Michael said.

‘Big words,’ the Tiger shot back. ‘Harvard must agree with you, preppy boy.’ He leaned over the table. ‘Rhonda’s ready to move back into the Palace, boy, you know that? If she remarries me, then I’ll really be your fucking father, not just this “biological” business that you keep carrying on about. You’ll be obeying me, not some fucking black gay-lo.’

‘Tiger,’ Simone said mildly, ‘I’ve had about enough of this. You’ve been swearing far too much the last few days, and it shows a lack of respect for both me and Emma. And lately you’ve been very insulting to Leo, who isn’t here to defend himself. If you say the f-word one more time, or insult Leo one more time, you will be banned from this household. Is that understood?’

The Tiger’s mouth flopped open and he stared at her.

Her voice became sharp. ‘Is that understood, Bai Hu?’

He rose, leaned on the table and glared at her. ‘Until you reach majority, Miss So-Fucking-Clever, I have precedence over you, and don’t you forget it.’

‘Emma?’ Simone said.

‘Bai Hu, take yourself out of this household and don’t come back until called. That’s an order,’ I said.

The Tiger opened and closed his mouth a few times, then slammed his fist into his hand in the salute and disappeared.

At twenty-four, Michael’s muscular frame had filled out and his intelligent face was stunningly good-looking under his short blond hair. He towered over me, as tall as his father, slightly under two metres. He fell to one knee in front of me. ‘Lady Emma, permission to assist you on your sortie to Hell.’

‘We can’t risk it, Michael. You may never be able to come out again.’

He looked up at me, full of hope. ‘You’re not Immortal, you’re an ordinary human. If you can come out, I can come out.’

I sighed. ‘Michael, you know that I’m not an ordinary human, far from it. Only Immortals and demons can come out again. Simone’s so powerful it doesn’t really apply to her, and you know she’s done it before. I’m a demon. You? I don’t know.’

‘Is there a way of finding out?’ he said, still on one knee.

Simone and I shared a look.

‘I’ll ask around,’ I said.

‘Promise me, Emma, you will ask.’

‘I promise, Michael. I know you love Leo as much as we do. I’ll see if you can come.’

‘Thanks, Emma.’ He smiled shyly and stood. ‘It’s good to see you looking so well.’

I rose and quickly embraced him, then pulled back to smile up at him. ‘Thanks, Michael. Is your mother really going back to your father?’

‘Not if I have anything to say about it,’ he said grimly.

‘It’s possible she could be happy as Empress of the West,’ Simone said. ‘And she’d become Immortal, Michael.’

‘He’d treat her like …’ He shrugged. ‘You know how he treats his women.’ He gestured towards where the Tiger had been sitting. ‘You heard how he talked about Leo. How could he be like that? Leo’s one of the noblest people I’ve ever met. I’d be proud to call him father, not that beast.’

‘How long did it take you to come from Harvard, Michael? It’s a long way,’ I said. ‘I hope you didn’t miss any classes.’

‘It’s about eight hours; I stop over in Honolulu and rest on the way. I’ve just about finished for the term, Emma, my papers are in and the exams are finished. Can I stay in one of the student rooms until we hear whether I can come to Hell? Do you have room for me?’

‘Of course we do — you can have your old room back. You’re part of the family. How long are you planning to stay?’

‘I wasn’t planning to come for another couple of weeks, until after I had my results,’ he said. ‘But I heard about you two going to Hell and I wanted to be in on it. Let me stay until we know whether I can come, then I’ll go back to the States and collect my gear.’ He paused. ‘Can I spend the summer brushing up with the Masters at the Academy?’

‘I thought you were supposed to go to the Palace,’ Isaid.

‘I’m staying here,’ he said firmly. He winced. ‘I’m sorry, my Lady, I didn’t ask you before. Is that okay with you?’

‘Sure, spend the summer here. We’d be delighted to have you.’ I had a sudden idea. ‘How about you take one of the small apartments at the New Folly? I think we have two or three free. You’d have more privacy.’

He smiled shyly. ‘Really?’

‘Sure. Teleport down there, report to Lok, the building manager. He’s the big German shepherd on the first floor, Flat B. Tell him you’re taking one of the empty apartments.’

‘The building manager’s a dog?’

‘Yep. I think he’s really a dragon, but somebody cursed him. He won’t talk about it, just turned up on our doorstep looking for work. He minds the armoury during the day, so if he’s not at the Folly he’ll be there. He’s terrific, you’ll really like him. I think your clothes and stuff are still in your room.’