The Lie

Chapter 12

“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” Al says as she stirs a pot of dahl so vigorously that hot, gloopy lentils threaten to overflow the rim of the saucepan.

“Because someone” – Daisy fake-glares at Leanne – “thought it would be nice to help out with the community. At five o’clock in the bloody morning.”

Everyone laughs, including Leanne, and I swipe at my eyes with my forearm. They’re smarting so much I can barely see for tears. Al and I have been chopping onions for the curry, and the mountain of vegetables in the sack on the floor doesn’t seem to be shrinking.

Three days have passed since we first arrived at Ekanta Yatra and we’ve spent the majority of our time outside, reading or sleeping in the many brightly coloured woven hammocks that hang from the plum and walnut trees in the orchard, doing yoga on the patio to the rear of the main house, and daring each other to stand in the waterfall for as long as possible, laughing and screaming as the icy cold water thunders onto our heads and freezes our bodies. It’s come as a shock to actually do some “work” again.

“This can’t all be for breakfast?” Al looks imploringly at Rajesh the chef, who’s sitting on a squat wooden stool peeling potatoes. His knees are spread wide, potato peelings sprinkling the top of his enormous stomach like hundreds and thousands on a cupcake.

“Yep. Takes a lot of food to fill thirty people.”

I put down my knife and wipe my face with the hem of my T-shirt. With no air conditioning, a window that’s so rotten it only opens a fraction of an inch, and curry-scented steam filling the room, it’s sauna-hot in here. Raj was already in the kitchen when Shona, one of the community members, shepherded us in. After Raj told us what he wanted us to do, he squatted down on the stool and started on the potatoes. This is the first time he’s spoken since, and the sound of his voice makes me relax, just the tiniest bit. There’s something very disconcerting about chatting away with someone sitting silently beside you, observing everything but not saying a word. There’s a lot of that here – community members drifting around, carrying bundles of God knows what from room to room, cleaning, meditating in random places, pausing in doorways. They rarely speak to us but they’re always watching, always listening. I can’t shake the feeling that they’re waiting for us to do something, but what, I have no idea.

“And you do this every day?” I ask. “Work in the kitchen?”

“Of course. It’s my job.”

“You wouldn’t rather be out in the garden, tending to vegetables, getting fresh air?”

Raj drops a peeled potato into the bucket at his feet and looks up at me, the knife dangling loosely from his hand. “I just told you, Emma. It’s my job.”

A bead of sweat appears in his hairline. It rolls down his forehead and disappears into the thick, bushy arch of one eyebrow. His nostrils flare, pulsing as though to a silent beat, as he continues to stare at me.

“Can we get some water?” Daisy asks, just when I can’t bear the weight of Raj’s gaze a second longer. “I’m gasping.”

“There’s water in the tap.” He gestures towards the sink. As he glances away, I feel unshackled.

“Ewwww.” Daisy wrinkles her nose. “You haven’t got any bottled stuff, have you?”

“Nope.” Raj shakes his head. “We’re running low on supplies. Ruth and Gabe, two members of the community, have gone to Pokhara to stock up. They should be back soon.” The tiniest of smiles lifts a corner of his mouth then vanishes. “Apparently.”

Standing outside one of the huts, I stifle a yawn. We were just preparing to crawl into our sleeping bags and pass out after kitchen duty finally ended, when Cera drifted into the girls’ dorm and told us that the huts had been prepared for our complimentary massages. None of us were going to turn that down, no matter how tired we were, so Al, Daisy and I dragged ourselves outside and down to the huts. Leanne stayed behind to attend a talk Isaac was giving on detoxing your mind. I think Al’s exact words to describe that decision were “fucking mental”.

“Hi, Emma.” Kane greets me as I yank open the wooden door to the hut and step inside. Not that there’s far to step. The hut can’t be much more than seven feet long and four feet wide. Everything is white – the floor, the ceiling, the walls, the pile of blankets fashioned into a narrow bed in the centre of the room. Even the candle, the solitary source of light, burning on a table in one corner of the room is white. The only things that aren’t white are the two circular metal rings screwed into the far corners of the hut. It seems I’m about to have a massage in what used to be a goat out-house.

Kane stands opposite me, his legs spread wide, his arms crossed over his broad chest, shadow obscuring half of his face.

“Come in, close the door behind you. Take a seat.” He gestures at the pile of blankets.

I do as I’m asked but I don’t pull the door fully closed. The air is thick with the scent of jasmine incense. It fills my throat, the smoky fragrance so cloying I can taste it. I eye Kane warily as he takes a seat himself, sitting cross-legged opposite me.

“Hi! I’m Kane.” He holds out a meaty hand for me to shake. He’s only an inch or two taller than me, and probably a couple of years younger, but with his shaved head and weighty frame, his presence dominates the hut.

“Emma.”

He smiles broadly as I shake his hand. It transforms his face. His heavy brow lifts and deep dimples appear on either side of his wide mouth, and any worries I may have had about sharing such a small space with a complete stranger dissipate.

“Have you ever had reflexology before, Emma?” he asks.

When I shake my head, he explains to me how all the parts of the body are connected to the feet and how, if I have a blockage in any particular area, he’ll be able to sense it.

“I’ve helped a lot of people,” he continues. “They’ve come to me with back pain, skin conditions, depression, IBS, the lot, and, with a course of treatments, I’ve helped them. Really helped them. Look at this …” He slides a book across the floor to me. “These are testimonials from the people I’ve treated. Have a look.”

I flick through page after page, words like “improved”, “transformed”, “magical” and “healed” jumping out at me. I’m just about to tell him about my panic attacks when he holds up a hand.

“Don’t tell me what’s wrong with you. I’ll know as soon as I touch your feet. Lie down for me, Emma, and slip off your flip-flops. I’ll begin by cleansing your feet.”

I close my eyes and try to relax as Kane rubs my feet with what feels like cold, wet towels and then slathers them with oil. I feel terrified and excited at the same time. Terrified that Kane may be able to sense why I have my panic attacks, and excited that he may be able to do something to relieve them. Now this is what I imagined when Leanne first mooted the idea of a retreat in Nepal – holistic treatments, massages and relaxation – not early starts, peeling potatoes and strange, staring men.

“You’re a kind person.” I jump at the sound of Kane’s voice and open my eyes. He’s still down at the other end of the hut, on his knees, pushing his thumbs into the balls of my feet. “You care about others but you feel taken for granted, sometimes.”

I try to reply but he shakes his head.

“I don’t want you to talk. You carry a lot of pain around with you but you don’t talk to anyone about it,” he continues as he presses his fingers into the pads of my toes. “You feel like you deserve to hurt, but you’re wrong. You must forgive yourself for what you did, Emma.”

I want to tell him that he’s full of shit, that he’s got the wrong person, but I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. I’m floored by what he’s just told me. I don’t know how he’s picked up so much about me, but it’s all I can do to keep breathing.

“Okay.” He waggles first my left foot, then my right foot, from side to side. “Now let’s see what’s physically wrong with you. Tell me if anything I do hurts. If it does, don’t worry, that just means there’s congestion that needs to be cleared.

“How about this?” A single tear winds its way down the side of my face as he presses into the ball of my right foot, but the pressure has nothing to do with the reason I’m crying.

I shake my head to indicate “no”.

“This?”

He slides his fingers to the side of my foot, but there’s no pain so I shake my head again.

“How about here?”

I feel him jab at my ankle. “No.”

“Here?”

“No.”

Kane inhales noisily through his nose and my first thought is that I’m doing something wrong. I’m not responding as I should. Why doesn’t anything hurt?

“Here?”

I yelp as he prods a tender spot under my ankle. I spoke too soon.

“Family history of diabetes?”

I nod my head, astonished.

“And here?” I twitch as he rolls my calf under his hand. “Problems with your lungs?”

I nod again. He must have picked up on the fact I feel like I can’t breathe when I have a panic attack.

“And here?” His fingers dig into the soft, fleshy instep of my right foot. “Digestive problems,” he says, his tone jubilant, and I wince as he presses the same spot again. “Diarrhoea. Food passes right through you.”

“Ummm … not really.”

“Are you sure? Because I can definitely feel some tenderness here.”

“Well, sometimes, I guess.”

“And difficulty sleeping? You suffer from insomnia.”

I shrug. I don’t want to say no. He was doing so well.

“I can sort it.” He continues to knead the sore spot with his fingers. “If we do a couple of sessions a week, you’ll be good in no time. Now, if you’d like to strip down to your knickers, we can get started with your massage. There’s a towel to your right. If you lie on your front and pull that over you, I’ll turn my back. Shout when you’re ready.”

He turns and stands with his back to me, his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his shorts. Do I really want his hands all over me? Having a massage from a woman in a beauty salon or spa is one thing, but letting some random man massage you? Kane clears his throat. If I wanted to, I could gather up my clothes and slip out of the shed. I could be back in the house before he even knew I’d left. I glance back at the door, at the thin shaft of sunlight illuminating my blanket bed, and I yank off my T-shirt and shorts and flip over onto my stomach. I pull the towel over me so it covers my knickers.

“Ready?” Kane asks.

“I’m ready,” I say.

The massage stops and the cool breeze from the half-open door tickles the top of my scalp. My limbs are dead weights and my thoughts are jumbled, dancing on the edge of my subconscious as I fight sleep. I part my lips to ask Kane if I should leave now, but I’m so tired I can’t open my eyes.

“Ssssh,” Kane soothes as he places his hands on my shoulders again. He presses the base of his palms into my flesh and circles them around slowly, sliding his hands over my oiled skin, then presses his thumbs into my tight muscles. They click and clunk as he rubs out months of tension, and I groan with relief.

I mentally will him to work on my neck, sore and stiff after four nights sleeping on a thin mattress, but his hands remain on my back – slipping and sliding over my skin, skimming my shoulders. His touch is lighter now, his fingertips barely grazing my body, and a shiver runs through me. It feels sensual, like I am being caressed rather than kneaded, but I don’t fight it. Instead, I wait for him to continue to pound my knotty muscles.

Kane’s hands slip down to the base of my spine and his fingers wrap around my hips then slide over my waist, and I gasp as he strokes the sides of my breasts as his hands travel back to my shoulders. Suddenly I am hyperaware, my body prickling, anticipating where his fingers will go next.

“Sssssh.” His hands move to my shoulders and, as his thumbs rub at the tight knots above my shoulder bones, I force myself to relax again. It was an accident. He didn’t mean to do that. I’m being oversensitive.

His hands slide back down my sides, pausing as they reach the curve of my breasts, and his fingers brush my nipples.

“Kane!” I flip over onto my side, one hand covering my breasts, but Kane isn’t the man massaging me.

“You okay, Emma?” Isaac sits back on his heels and smiles down at me.

“No.” I reach for my clothes. “No, I’m not. Where’s Kane?”

“Kane was needed elsewhere. You looked so relaxed, I didn’t think you’d mind if I took over.”

Mind? Of course I mind. I haven’t had many massages, but even I know professional masseurs don’t just change over without informing the client, never mind the inappropriate touching. I should have requested a woman to massage me; I should have trusted my instincts.

“I have to go.” The smile doesn’t leave Isaac’s face as I wriggle out from beneath him and shuffle backwards, towards the door, my clothes pressed to my chest. “I … I have to go.”

Someone grabs me the second I slam the hut door shut behind me.

“Hear that?” Al clutches my arm and points further down the river, towards the third hut in the row.

Still pressing my clothes against me, I grab her hand and pull her away, towards the orchard, before she can say another word. She looks confused but willingly follows me as I run, the barren soil scratching the soles of my bare feet. When we reach our favourite hammock, I turn my back to her and pull on my bra, T-shirt and shorts, my eyes never leaving the closed door of hut number one.

“Daisy’s having sex,” Al says, pointing towards the third hut as I turn back towards her, “with Johan, that long-haired Swede – listen.”

All I can hear is cicadas chirping, birds singing and my heart pounding in my ears, but as I stare across the orchard, another sound reaches me. A man grunting and a woman shrieking and moaning in pleasure. I’ve heard the sound before. I heard it when Daisy and Al drunkenly slept together in my flat seven years ago (a one-off event none of us ever talk about). I heard it after I passed out on the sofa after a night of heavy drinking a few weeks ago, and discovered Daisy on the living room floor with the man I’d brought back.

“Al,” I say, “there’s something I need to tell you about my massage. Kane was doing it, but then …” She turns to look at me; her eyes are wet with tears. “What is it? What’s wrong, Al?”

She passes a hand over her face and shakes her head, but the tears keep falling.

“Al.” I clutch her arm. “What is it?”

“Did …” She clears her throat and takes a deep breath. “Did Kane tell you anything weird? Did he say anything to you about someone you’d lost?”

“Lost? What do you mean?”

“Isis knew about Tommy, Emma. She said his name.” She pulls away, runs her hands through her hair and takes a few steps towards the house, then turns back. “She was doing reiki on me, her hands cupped over my face, and I had my eyes closed and I could smell something warm and minty on the palms of her hands, and then she said his name – ‘Tommy’ – just like that. ‘You lost your brother Tommy.’”

Al’s brother Tommy died in a motorbike accident when he was eighteen and she was fifteen. It happened the day after she came out to her parents, after she’d been suspended from school for punching a girl who was spreading a rumour that Al was a dirty dyke who checked out Year 8 girls in the changing rooms. Her dad had flatly refused to discuss the matter, while her mum reacted with tears and recriminations, blaming Al’s lesbianism on everything from the ibuprofen she’d taken when pregnant with Al, to the fact that they’d let Al play with her brother’s toys. Al couldn’t deal with it so she packed a bag and caught the bus into town. Tommy found the note she’d left on the kitchen table when he got back from work, and went after her. He was hit by a car that was pulling out at a T-junction. Eye-witnesses said Tommy was driving over the speed limit and the driver didn’t see him until too late.

“Seriously, Emma. She knew everything about him. She knew about the motorbike. She knew how old we were. She knew his last words and about Mum and Dad arguing about whether he’d want to donate his organs. She knew everything.”

“Have you told anyone here about him? Maybe she overheard you talking to Leanne or Daisy.”

“No. I haven’t mentioned Tommy once. Not once. And no one knows what his last words were apart from me, Mum and Dad, and you guys.”

“Someone must have told her.”

“Who? I’ve never told anyone apart from you, Daisy and Leanne. Isis said that if you let go of all your worldly attachments, it opens up a channel within you that the spirit world can reach, and … and … Fuck!” She clutches her hands to the sides of her head as though she’s trying to shake the thoughts out. “She said Tommy was in the room with us. She kept saying his last words to me, over and over and over. I can’t stay here, Emma. This isn’t what I came here for. It’s not what I wanted. It’s fucked up. It’s too fucked up.”

I catch Al as she falls into me, and hold her quivering shoulders as she sobs into the crook of my neck. The door to the hut next to mine opens and Isis steps, blinking, into the sunshine. She catches my eye and smiles. I don’t smile back.

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