Armageddon Outta Here - The World of Skulduggery Pleasant

“Hello,” she said.

The clothes he had been buried in were torn and musty, his shoes caked with mud. He stood with a slight stoop and he had, for the most part, skin and hair. The middle of his face had rotted, however, robbing him of lips and nose and eyelids.

“You’re late,” he grumbled. “Midnight has come and gone.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Lives hang in the balance. You’re lucky I stayed.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You are Valkyrie Cain.”

“That’s right.”

“Thirteen years old, Elemental by power, partner of the skeleton detective, and late.”

“I suppose.”

“You’re lucky I stayed.”

“So you said.”

“I could have left, you know. One minute past midnight, when you weren’t here, I could have walked away. I didn’t have to wait here for you. I was under no obligation. But I stayed, because I have no wish to see innocent lives taken.”

“You’re a corpse,” Valkyrie said. “Where were you going to go?”

He glared at her, but didn’t answer.

He started walking, shuffling off his grave, up towards the ruined church. She followed.

“I thought the skeleton would be with you,” the dead man said as they walked.

“We’re quite busy at the moment, so Skulduggery had to stay behind. I said I’d take care of this one on my own.”

He looked back, and she was thankful the moon was only a sliver, for his face was mostly hidden. “Maybe you underestimate what awaits.”

“No, I think I’ve got it. Three babies snatched from their cots, being held by a family of goblins who want to exchange them for gold. Fairly straightforward.”

“If you fully realised the danger you are walking into, you would not be so calm.”

“Ah, I’m sure I would. They’re goblins, you know? How bad can they be?”

“They were not always goblins,” the dead man said, irritation in his voice. “The Muldoons were sorcerers, descended from a long line of the most powerful mages the world had ever seen. They were rumoured to be descended from the Ancients themselves.”

“That was disproved,” Valkyrie said.

“What?”

“I asked Skulduggery about that. He said the Muldoons reinvented their own family tree in a sad attempt to appear threatening, and then they actually started to believe their own lies.”

“If you know so much,” the dead man scowled, “then why are you asking me?”

“Oh, right, sorry. Please go on.”

The corpse muttered something under his breath, then resumed. “The father died, and the mother went insane, but the children maintained the belief that, because of their heritage, they should be the rulers of the world. They believed in the inherent superiority of those who wield magic, and they despised the mortals, whom they saw as pedestrian and drab.”

“Why are they called mortals?” asked Valkyrie.

“What?”

“I’ve been wondering that. Non-magical people, I mean, why are they called mortals? Sorcerers are mortal, too.”

“Sorcerers don’t claim any different.”

“But by calling non-magical people mortal, it’s like they’re implying that they themselves are immortal. And they’re not – magic just makes them live longer.”

The dead man stopped suddenly and turned. His brows were furrowed across his unblinking eyes. “Do you want to hear the story of the Muldoons or not?” he asked.

“Sure. Sorry.”

He grunted, then turned and carried on towards the church. The breeze caught the mustiness of his clothes and brought it down to her. “The Council of Elders identified the Muldoons as the sorcerers behind a spate of attacks on mortals. In an effort to keep the mortals safe, and to keep the magical communities hidden, the Muldoons were ambushed, and although they escaped, they were not unharmed.”

“This is my favourite bit,” Valkyrie said. “This is when they get turned into goblins, right?”

“Correct. Over the years they have amassed a collection of gold, for gold is the only thing that could return them to human form, but it has not been enough.”

“So they started stealing babies.”

“Yes.”

They arrived at the ruined church. The dead man looked at her “My role is almost fulfilled. I agreed to make the introductions and witness that both parties keep their side of the bargain. There are innocent lives at stake.”

“So you keep saying.”

“Earlier, I was with the goblins, and I saw that the three babies were safe and well. Thus far, they have kept their word. And you, Valkyrie Cain, are you here with gold?”

“Yes, I am.”

“May I see it?” the dead man asked.

“No, you may not.”

“And why not?”

“Because it’s not for you to see.”

The dead man looked at her, and he gave the slightest of nods. “Very well.”

He turned to the open door of the church, and spoke loudly. “It is I, and I stand with the girl, the Elemental and the partner of the skeleton detective, and although she is late she is here, which is the important thing, and we are moving on. I ask that the exchange take place, the three innocent lives for the gold she claims to possess, though as of yet I have not seen it. If it makes a difference, she has an honest face, although her eyes are as dark as her hair. Will you bid her enter?”

Torches flared in wall brackets inside the ruin, beating the darkness back. The dead man stepped away.

“You may enter,” he said.

“You’re not coming?”

“No.”

“You wouldn’t be letting me walk into a trap, would you?” asked Valkyrie.

“Why would I do that? I’m dead. What do I have to gain? I can’t leave this graveyard. There is nothing that brings me joy any more, there is no pleasure to be had, there is nothing I can use so there is nothing that I want. I am empty. My existence is a shallow thing of coldness and—”

“OK,” Valkyrie interrupted, “I get it. You’re miserable, fine. I’ll go in now.”

The dead man shrugged. Valkyrie left him there and stepped into the church.

Part of the roof had caved in, and her boots brushed rubble as she walked. Her boots, like the trousers she wore, and the tunic and the coat, were made of impenetrable materials that had saved her life on numerous occasions. Everything she wore was black, and it was a black that melted into the shadows and hid her from unsuspecting eyes. It wasn’t hiding her tonight, however. Every move she made was being watched. She could feel eyes on her.

There were a few broken pews in the church, but no altar, and no decoration. The flickering torches reflected off wet patches on the stone walls where the rain had fallen.

Valkyrie stopped walking.

“Hello?” she called. “Goblins?”

“Gold,” came the voice from behind her.

She turned slowly, making no sudden moves.

The goblin was maybe up to her shoulder, short and squat and distressingly ugly. He had large bulbous eyes and a long bulbous nose, and his nostril hair mingled with a moustache in a way that was far from appealing. His green skin looked unhealthy in the torchlight, afflicted as it was with sores and boils. He wore a filthy grey suit that had lost all the buttons from the jacket. His belly protruded. Hair sprouted from his belly button.

“Give us the gold,” he said.

“Give me the babies,” she told him. “Then you get your gold.”

He shook his head. “Give us the gold, then you get the babies.”

“How do I know the babies are here? I can’t hear them crying.”

“Maybe they’re happy.”

“Then show me them smiling.”

The goblin scratched his belly thoughtfully. “Compromise,” he said.

“OK.”

“We’ll give you half now, you give us the gold, and then we give you the other half.”

“There are three babies. How do you give me half?”

He shrugged. “Chop a baby in two.”

“You know, even for a goblin, that’s disturbed. Bring the kids out, right now, or I walk away with the gold.”

The goblin growled in displeasure. “Colm,” he said, “Fintan, bring them out.”

From behind him, two more goblins emerged. Valkyrie was amazed to realise that the first goblin was the handsome one of the family. His brothers wore rags, torn and dirty, and they carried the babies between them. The babies had dummies jammed in their mouths.

“See?” the first goblin said. “Alive, uneaten, and not chopped or anything. Now, the gold.”

Valkyrie reached into her coat and brought out a bag that jangled in her grip.

The goblins stared at the bag, practically drooling.

“Put the kids down,” she said. “Just place them on the ground over here, very gently, and step away. Then I’ll give you the gold and we’ll say goodbye.”

One of the goblins, she didn’t know which one he was, so she decided that he should be Colm, grunted. “How do we know there’s gold in that bag?”

“Because I tell you there is.”

“We don’t know you. Liam, we can’t trust this girl.”

The first goblin, Liam, scratched his belly. “We were expecting the skeleton. Where is he?”

“He couldn’t make it.”

“He sent you instead?”

“Yes, he did,” said Valkyrie

“You’re his assistant, then?”

“Partner.”

“You’re a child.”

“You’re a goblin.”

“Only on the outside.”

“And on the inside you steal babies. Looks and personality.”

“I don’t like you.”

“You just have to get to know me,” she said. “Are we going to stand around talking all night, or are we going to do this ransom thing?”

“The skeleton should be here,” the third goblin, Fintan, mumbled.

“Shut up,” Liam barked. “We’ll settle that later. Right now, give her the brats. I want to see that gold.”

Colm and Fintan walked forward, bringing with them an interesting aroma of dried sweat and boiled cabbage. They put the babies on the ground, close to Valkyrie, and the babies gurgled and made baby noises.

The goblins stepped back, rejoined their brother.

“Now,” Liam said with a snaggle-toothed smile, “give us our payment.”

“And then you’ll let us go?”

“Of course.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

Liam shrugged. “A deal’s a deal – we held up our part, now you have to do the same.”

If things turned nasty, Valkyrie would only be able to scoop up one of the kids before the goblins were on her. The goblins didn’t look very fast, so she’d probably be able to beat them to the door, but it would mean leaving two babies here. She didn’t see any alternative, however, and the goblins’ patience was running out.

She tossed the bag, and Liam caught it and yanked open the drawstring. He let the gold coins spill out into his hand.

Fintan licked his lips. “They real? Liam, they real?”

Liam put one of the coins in his mouth and sucked on it a moment, then reached his grimy fingers between his lips to retrieve it. “It’s gold,” he said happily. His wide eyes glinted.

“Pleasure doing business,” Valkyrie said, hunkering down to the kids.

“You’re not leaving,” said Liam.

Valkyrie sighed. “Is this a double-cross?”

“That’s what this is. It’d be better if the skeleton was here instead of you, but when we send him your head, wrapped up in a pretty bow, he’ll come looking for us and we’ll get him then.”

“You have issues with Skulduggery?”

“We hate him,” Fintan snarled. “He’s the one responsible for turning us into creatures of slime and bad breath.”

“I see,” said Valkyrie. “Before you kill me, can I ask you a question?”

Liam laughed. “Go ahead.”

“Thank you. My question is, what makes you think I came alone?”

Liam’s smile faded. “What?”

“You know Skulduggery, right? You’ve gone up against him before. You know how smart he is.”

“Not that smart,” Colm grumbled.

“And he knows you,” Valkyrie continued. “He knows how treacherous you are, and he’s told me how you never keep your side of a bargain, and how you always double-cross …”

Liam frowned. “So?”

“So smile, goblin. Skulduggery Pleasant has been here all along, and tonight’s the night when he gets to kick your green and wrinkly little—”

There was a crash on the roof above them and the rotten wood splintered and gave, and Skulduggery fell through and hit the ground with his face.

“Oh my God,” he muttered as he lay there. “Oh my God, that hurt.”

Valkyrie hesitated. No one made a move, and no one made a sound. Even the babies had stopped gurgling. The goblins grinned. Valkyrie chewed her lip.

“This is … slightly unexpected,” she said.

Skulduggery Pleasant, the skeleton detective, his blue suit ripped and streaked with dirt, rolled on to his back and groaned. If his skull had features, they would surely be twisted in pain. “Don’t move,” he managed to say. “You’re all under arrest.”

The goblins laughed.

“You think you’re the only one with back-up?” Liam grinned at Valkyrie. “You think you’re the only one with a surprise?”

Valkyrie glared at him. “So who’ve you got out there? More of your little buddies? Some assassins? Couple of monsters, maybe? Because I have to tell you, we’ve faced them all, and we keep winning.”

“No assassins,” Liam said. “No monsters. Just Peg.”

“Who’s Peg?”

Liam sneered. “Oh, of course, you haven’t met our sister, have you? Peg’ll be the one who threw your friend there through the roof. Peg!”

A massive shape filled the doorway, and Peg the Ugly Goblin stepped in. She was twice Valkyrie’s height, and had legs as wide as tree trunks, and arms as wide as her legs. Her body was a solid slab of meat, clothed in what appeared to be a half dozen grimy wedding dresses sewn together, and her hair hung long and lank over her face.

Skulduggery got unsteadily to his feet. “Don’t worry,” he told Valkyrie. “I have her on the ropes now.”

“She threw you over a church,” Valkyrie pointed out.

For a moment he was silent. And then he said, “Not all the way over.”

“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned. “Oo uv me.”

Valkyrie frowned. “Did she just say what I think she said?”

Skulduggery shook his head quickly. “No.”

Peg took another few steps inside. Her brothers cackled and let her pass.

“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned again. “I uv oo.”

Skulduggery glanced at Valkyrie. “OK. She may have a thing for me.”

“She loves you?”

“Well, yes, but I assure you, it’s very unrequited.”

Liam grinned. “Weren’t expecting this, were you, Mr Detective? Probably thought, once a mountain fell on her, you’d seen the last of our sister, eh?”

“To be honest,” Skulduggery said, “yes.”

“She’s tougher than she looks,” Fintan said.

“Now that’s an achievement,” Skulduggery murmured.

Peg stood there, a wall in a wedding dress, and held her arms out. A swollen tongue dragged itself over her cracked lips, and she struggled to form her next word.

“Kiss,” she said.

Valkyrie arched an eyebrow. Skulduggery nodded, more to himself than anybody else.

“I’m going to have to let her down gently,” he said, and ran forward and leaped, slamming both feet into Peg’s belly. She roared in anger and swiped at him and he dodged, kicking at the back of her knee. She barely noticed.

The three brothers were coming for Valkyrie. She clicked the fingers of her right hand and made a spark, then caught the spark and cultivated it into a flame that burned in her hand.

Fintan was closest. She reached out with her left hand, feeling the air against her skin. He ran at her and she felt the space between them, felt how it connected, and when she found the right spot she splayed her hand and snapped her palm and the air rippled and hit Fintan like a truck. He flew back and smacked into the church wall.

The fire in her other hand was burning fiercely and she threw it. The fireball hit Colm’s ragged coat and he shrieked and stumbled back, tearing it off. He raised his head to see her running straight at him, but couldn’t do anything to stop the elbow that smashed into his jaw. He spun around, then tipped over backwards and didn’t get up.

Liam rushed her and she tried to move but she wasn’t fast enough. She was taken off her feet and slammed into the ground, Liam’s hands at her throat, trying to throttle her.

Behind him, she saw Peg strike Skulduggery. He hurtled into the shadows.

Valkyrie tried breaking Liam’s grip, but his fingers were short and thick and she couldn’t pry them loose. She grabbed his wrist and twisted, but he was too strong. His fingers dug into her throat and black spots flashed in her vision, her head swimming. She brought her hands in, felt the air between herself and the goblin, but Liam scuttled up, knelt on her left hand and pinned it to the ground. He took one hand from her throat and held her right wrist away from him.

“Try your little tricks now,” he snarled, his foul breath hot on her cheek.

Blood pulsed through her temples. Her lungs burned, and although her struggles were getting more frantic, she could feel herself growing weaker.

Spittle dripped from Liam’s lips on to her face. Her muscles ached and her body was tired, and darkness seeped into her vision. She couldn’t hear anything over the beating of her own heart.

Liam was kneeling on her left hand. His right knee was pressed into her belly, leaving her legs to kick uselessly behind him.

She brought her legs in, bent them, the soles of her boots flat to the ground. With the last ounce of her strength, Valkyrie lifted her backside off the church floor. Liam lurched forward a little and laughed.

“Think that’ll do it? I’ve tamed wild horses, little girl, and they buck a lot harder than you.”

Valkyrie took her right foot off the ground. She could feel the air on her face, on her hands, on her exposed skin. Now she struggled to feel the air through her boot. It was possible. She knew it was.

And as her consciousness ebbed, she thought she felt it, a slight resistance, and that’s all she needed. She stepped on the air and it shimmered, and Valkyrie’s body flipped over backwards, and the goblin screeched as he was catapulted away.

Valkyrie landed on her belly and gasped, sucked in breath hungrily. Tears had sprung to her eyes and she wiped them away, in time to see Skulduggery reach out a hand. A large piece of rubble lifted off the ground. Skulduggery made circular motions and the piece of rubble started to move. Faster and faster it went, in an ever-increasing circle.

The piece of rubble slammed into Peg’s jaw and before she could even growl, it had made its way around and slammed into her jaw again. It struck her repeatedly until Skulduggery’s hand stiffened, and the piece of rubble hurtled into Peg’s face and shattered.

Peg fell back to a sitting position. She held a huge hand to the side of her face and moaned.

Valkyrie stood, and saw Liam. He was on his feet and sneaking towards the babies.

She ran at him and he snarled. She ducked under a punch and he twisted to get at her again. His fist swung and she blocked but her block wasn’t strong enough, and his knuckles hit the side of her face and she staggered. He grinned and she smacked him, and goblin blood, the colour of mucus, sprayed from his lip.

In the middle of the church, Peg had Skulduggery wrapped up in a bear hug. He was trying to hit her with a section of a broken pew.

Liam ran at Valkyrie, yelling out a war cry. She clicked her fingers and he stopped and cowered, expecting the fireball. But instead she moved in, stiffened the fingers of her other hand and jabbed into his neck. His head swung around, offering up the perfect target. Her elbow connected with the hinge of his jaw, and Liam the goblin crumpled to the ground.

“You don’t really love me,” she heard Skulduggery say.

Peg was sitting against a wall, Skulduggery standing over her, the remains of the broken pew in his hands.

“I’m flattered,” he continued, “really I am. I’m sure you’re a lovely girl.”

Peg moaned.

“But the truth is, we don’t know each other. Not really. I don’t know what your favourite song is, or what flower you like most, or what you like to do on long summer evenings. And what do you really know about me?”

“I uv oo, Skuluggy.”

“No, you don’t, Peg. This isn’t real love. This isn’t true love. You deserve someone who can give you true love.”

“Oo?”

“No, not me.”

“Moh.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Peg sniffled.

“He’s out there, you know. Your Mister Right. And I’m sure he’s looking for you.”

She looked up. “Eally?”

“Really. You just have to find him.”

Peg nodded, then nodded again, with renewed determination. Skulduggery stepped back as she stood up and brushed some of the dust off her wedding dress.

“Stay away from your brothers, OK? They’re not a very good influence on you.”

She nodded, and marched for the church door. Before she stepped out, she stopped, and looked back tearfully. “I awah ink awoo, Skuluggy.”

“And I’ll always think of you, too,” Skulduggery replied.

And then Peg was gone.

Valkyrie stood beside Skulduggery. “Anything you want to tell me?”

“No,” he said. “Not really. Are all the babies safe?”

“Safe and unharmed. Their folks will be glad to have them back. Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me? To share?”

“Relatively positive, yes.”

“She seems nice. Peg, I mean.”

He looked at her. “It’s going to take you a while to stop teasing me about this, isn’t it?”

She grinned. “Oh, yes.”

He sighed. “Then you may as well get started.”

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.