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Ollie squeezed her eyes shut and tried to find sleep, but she had a feeling that slumber wasn’t going to be quite that simple. Kind of like her marriage.
The noise in the living room woke Ollie before she was ready to open her eyes. What was going on out there?
She rose, checked the drawstring on her pajama bottoms and pulled her tank top into line.
“Mommy!”
Charlie charged her, just about taking her pants down with her as he tugged her along. The remnants of a train track were sprawled in every direction. Railcars and engines added to the carnage.
“Morning.”
She looked up from the train wreck and into the kitchen. Luke stood there bare-chested, in just his boxer shorts. She took in a deep breath and self-consciously ran a hand through her bed hair. Damn. Taut, tanned torso, a sprinkling of hair on his chest that arrowed down into his shorts … She’d forgotten how good he looked without his clothes on.
Ollie ran her focus up his body again and met twinkling eyes. She quickly diverted her gaze.
“Breakfast?” He gestured with his head and she took a step forward to peer into the kitchen.
“He’s making pancakes, Mom. Pancakes!”
Charlie scooted up to Luke and hung off him as if they were glued together, not shy of his dad at all.
“Your favorite, huh?”
He grinned. “How many you going to have, Mom?”
She gave her son a smile before meeting Luke’s gaze. Ollie knew how dreadful she probably looked, all mussed from bed. When they’d first met she’d worn sexy teddies, not gingham pj’s.
“I’m just going to jump in the shower. Save me a couple, okay, Charlie?’
She directed her words to him to avoid conversation with Luke, but doubted her son had even heard her. He was yabbering away to his dad a hundred miles a minute, and Luke was flipping pancakes to exuberant yelps of excitement.
Ollie left the room and flopped down onto her bed, exhausted already. She’d hardly slept a wink and now her stranger husband was making breakfast for their son, and she had no idea what to do. What her role even was right now.
She knew the reality was that the man she’d married had been a soldier, and going away had been part of the deal, but he’d swept her off her feet and made her forget all that. Until she’d gotten pregnant and he’d proposed, and everything had slowly started to unravel. Because she’d never truly believed that he would have married her otherwise, and because the night before she’d found out she actually was pregnant, Luke had told her that he never, ever wanted to be a dad.
Luke’s dedication to the army had seemed so exciting when she’d first met him. But doubt had gnawed at her for so many months, and then with a difficult baby and no one to help her through the tough times, she’d snapped. More than once. And eventually, Luke had walked out the door and never come back.
“What do you say we head to the park?”
She watched Luke smile at Charlie as he leaped up, jumping around, no doubt hyper from all the sugar in their breakfast.
“I’m not sure,” said Ollie. “I’ve got to get to work.”
She sighed. Her husband and son looked up at her like sad puppies.
“What do you usually do with Charlie?” Luke asked.
Ollie scooped up their coffee mugs and sticky maple-syrup-covered plates and took them into the kitchen. “He comes to work with me. Ricardo’s pretty relaxed about Charlie tagging along.”
“Ricardo?” Luke’s attention was suddenly focused directly on her, eyes as sharp as a hawk’s.
“My boss. Ricardo Bolton.” She paused and leaned back on the counter. “He’s an attorney. I clean his place, have dinner in the fridge for him, all the general housekeeping type stuff so he can focus on work, and he doesn’t mind if Charlie tags along with me.”
“Right.”
It seemed so weird, having this type of conversation with her husband. Ricardo had become a close friend, but the way Luke was looking at her made her wonder if he thought their relationship was something else.
“And does this Ricardo man know you’re still married?”
Ollie laughed. She hardly remembered she was married sometimes, given her lack of husband.
“He likes Mom,” chirped Charlie, dragging his dad by the hand to reinspect his train set.
Luke picked the boy up, but his attention was still focused on her.
“It’s nothing like that,” she said, but her cheeks heated, giving her away. She’d always been a terrible liar. Her son had meant nothing by it, couldn’t have meant anything by it, but the implication was obvious. And for some stupid reason she felt guilty about it.
“What about your drawing? You were still doing some illustrating before I left.”
“Ricardo’s a great employer and we needed the extra money. No time to waste on dreams anymore,” she told him.
Ollie smiled at Luke before turning to the dishes. She felt no attraction whatsoever to Ricardo, but he was always making it clear that he’d like her to be more than just the housekeeper. Something she had no intention of ever agreeing to, but at least he made her feel wanted.
“Maybe I’ll take Charlie to the park while you go to work,” Luke suggested.
She nodded, but Luke had already turned away, his attention back on the toy box that Charlie was enthusiastically tipping upside down, to better show his dad what was inside.
Part of her, just a tiny part, wished that her husband had walked in their door and made the same sort of fuss over her as he was over his son. That they could start over, have fun again. But in her heart, she knew it was over. For good.
CHAPTER THREE
LUKE LOOKED ACROSS the dinner table, trying to figure out how to say what had to be said. He’d already been here a day, and the longer he took to talk to his wife, the harder it was going to get. Charlie was in bed, so it was now or never. He might not have come home with the intention of righting his marriage, but now that he was here it was all he could think about.
“Ollie, I need to get a few things off my chest.”
She placed her knife and fork neatly on the plate before looking up, her gaze fixed on him.
“What you said yesterday was right. I should have called more, made more of an effort. All I can say is that I’m sorry.” He paused. “I’m just not good at this sort of thing.”
The silence between them was painful.
“What makes you think I am?” Ollie asked, looking down then back up at him. “It wasn’t like I was great at talking or listening before you left.”
Luke didn’t know what to say. He watched her, his wife, and wondered how things had gotten to this point. How he’d let her slip away. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and instead of admitting that he’d run like a scared rabbit, because it had been easier than dealing with whatever had been going on with them. “Is there any way we can make this work, for Charlie’s sake?”
Ollie just stared at him, her mouth pursed, eyebrows forming an angry frown. He’d expected to take her by surprise, but he hadn’t expected that look.
Besides, he’d said the wrong thing. It wasn’t just for Charlie’s sake, it was because he still loved her, and instead of telling her that he’d managed to insult her.
Luke wanted to hold her, talk to her, listen to what she had to say, as he used to do. But it was as if there was nothing left between them, and asking for a second chance wasn’t something he knew how to do.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Sorry’s not good enough, Luke.”
Ollie wanted to hit him, curse at him, yell—but she couldn’t. Fight, that’s what she wanted. To fight him, argue, get it all out, but she didn’t want to go down that path again, because if she thought of the months before Luke had gone, the weeks right before he’d left, that’s all she could remember. Picking fights, wanting to punish him somehow for telling her he didn’t want to be a dad, instead of making him open up to her and explain why.
Their marriage was over; she knew that. But it was time they discussed their problems like the adults they were, instead of the young kids they’d been when they’d married.
“Charlie needs both his parents, Luke, but us being together isn’t a reality.”
Luke watched her, giving nothing away. Then he sighed. “I know.”
Give him a star for trying, but even he knew there was no hope. She knew if he was serious about them he would have acted on it sooner. Would have made more of an effort and not let it get to this point. Wouldn’t have walked away in the first place, or would have at least come back before now.
“You walked out on our marriage, Luke. I know I was partly to blame, but I would never, ever have walked away from you.”
He nodded, palms flat on the table, his foot tapping insistently on the floor as if he wanted to get up and walk away right now.
“Luke …” She paused, not sure how to say what she needed to tell him. “Luke, I just don’t know if I could love you anymore.” There, she’d said it. Said the words that had been choking her for weeks, months, years even. A weight lifted like a veil that had been suffocating her. Because what had happened between them had changed everything.
“I understand.” His voice was deep. Full of emotion. “Of course I understand.”
She paused again, pushing her fears back down her throat, sucking back the tears. “Then what are we doing here? Why are we pretending that it’s okay you’re back here staying with us?” Ollie stood up and paused at the window. Touched her head to the cool of the glass.
She felt rather than heard him rise. He was standing behind her. Every hair on her body stood at attention, aware of him being so close. Too close.
“We’re married, Ollie. We have a son. That does still mean something.”
Ollie turned, her eyes locking hard on to his. She knew it meant something, but he couldn’t just walk back into their lives and expect her to fall in a heap at his feet. She had to protect her own heart, and her son’s. It wasn’t just about her and Luke anymore. It hadn’t been since Charlie had been born.
“Those things aren’t enough to make us work. To make this work. We need to be good parents, nothing more. What we had has gone, and we don’t need to stay married for Charlie to be happy.”
Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She acknowledged their cold, wet presence and didn’t try to stop them.
“I don’t want him growing up without a family.” Luke punched out the words. “Because then I’d be putting him through what I went through, and I can’t live with that.”
“Neither do I,” she snapped back, unable to hide how angry she was. Luke had made it obvious that she had nothing to do with why he wanted to possibly stay married, but was it just because he didn’t want to repeat his own past, or something more? “Do you really think we could be together again, after all this time of growing apart?”
He shrugged, a noncommittal movement of the shoulders that told her nothing.
“You left me, alone, all that time, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”
“Now you’re being unreasonable!” he bellowed, his soft demeanor disappearing quicker than it had arrived. “I had no choice. You knew my duty when you married me, and things were already bad well before I left.” He shook his head. “When I called and heard your voice on the phone, when I rang and then had to hang up as soon as you answered, I didn’t know where to start, or what I could say.”
“You said you’d leave the army for me, Luke.” She wasn’t ready to admit that their marriage had already been teetering too close to the edge before she’d found out he was leaving. Or to acknowledge the fact that he had tried to call her more often than he had. “You promised. And then you walked out on our marriage like it meant nothing to you.”
“I had to go, Ollie. Leaving my boys over there would have been wrong and you know it.” His voice went soft, low. “But what I did to you, leaving, was unforgivable and not a day has gone past that I haven’t wished things could have been different.”
She knew her last comment had been a low blow; she shouldn’t have said it. But it was what she had held so close for so long. Thought about when she’d lain awake at night, alone, with no husband next to her in the bed. When they’d hit a rough patch he’d taken the easy option and just left, when all she’d wanted was for him to fight for her. No matter what had happened, how hard things had been, all she’d wished for was that he could prove to her that he’d married her for more than just the sake of her being pregnant. That she wasn’t being used by men like her mom had been.
“I can’t do this again, Luke. We can’t make this work.”
She’d only just got over him. Just managed to move on, and now he was asking for what? A second chance? Was he just trying to make sure she’d let him see his son? Because she’d never stop him from being in Charlie’s life.
Luke strode the two steps to stand before her, to tower over her small frame. “No.”
“No?”
“You heard me.” His voice was determined now, commanding rather than questioning. “I did my duty, served my country. The way I left you makes me a crappy husband, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a chance to at least be a better dad, Ollie.”
Ollie stayed silent. She didn’t trust her voice. She should have been grateful that it was his son he wanted, but a little voice cried out in her mind, because it would have felt so good to know he wanted her, too. To hear him say he’d do anything to be back in her life again.
“I want to be there for Charlie.”
“But, Luke …” Her voice cracked as he reached out one hand to steady her shaking arm.
Her voice was barely a whisper when she finally spoke again. “I can’t put us in a position to be left again. You need to prove yourself to me, Luke, and to Charlie, before you can be his full-time dad. Right now you’re like a new toy, but how long before the batteries fail and you’re gone again?”
She held his gaze, kept her chin high. She was not going to allow her heart to be broken again. This was it, and she couldn’t take a chance on trusting him when she didn’t know how long he’d be here, and how long he’d be gone next time. It had been too easy for him to leave, and now he’d come back to them, hoping to start again.
“I want a divorce, Luke.” The words were hard to say, but she had to tell him. Because if she didn’t she’d be kidding herself and him.
“A divorce?” He stepped back as if she’d hit him.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, tears making it hard to speak as she walked away. “I just can’t do this. Not again. What we had didn’t work, Luke, and we both need to understand that.”
All Olivia had ever wanted was a family of her own, a husband who loved her, but that fantasy was past its use-by date. It was just her and Charlie, and she couldn’t let Luke thunder back into their lives like a tornado. Charlie needed a father who hung around, or was at least a whole lot better at staying in touch when he wasn’t.
“Olivia.”
She heard Luke say her name, but she didn’t want to turn around.
“Olivia, please.”
But there were no words he could say right now to change how she felt.
CHAPTER FOUR
OLLIE’S CHEEKS HURT. She could hear her own laughter echoing around them as Luke twirled her, over and over again.
“Stop!”
He drew her in, hard against him, his muscled body tight against hers.
“Say you love me.”
“Luke, let go of me!” She squirmed in his arms.
“Say it, baby, or I’ll toss you in the water.”
He lifted her off her feet so only her toes trailed on the sand, and started walking her toward the ocean.
“I love you, I love you!” she cried, her arms around his neck.
“Too late.”
She started to tell him off, to swat at him, but he dropped her into the water, diving in himself. Her hair was plastered to her face, mascara dripped into her eyes, but she still couldn’t stop smiling.
He resurfaced. “Come here often?”
Luke lay next to her, half floating on his stomach, and pushed his hair off his face. Water fell from his dark lashes, and she felt herself fall apart. Those brown eyes looked straight through her, past her insecurities and worries, straight into her heart.
“Look what you’ve done to me.” She giggled, rubbing beneath her eyes. “I’m a mess.”
“You,” he said, kissing her nose, “are—” another kiss “—not a mess.”
She kissed him back then, their wet lips pressed together, her hands in his hair.
“I do love you, Luke.”
“I know, honey, I know.”
Ollie woke with a fright. It was just a dream. She wanted to cry, sob her heart out, because here she was, dreaming about the man she’d fallen head over heels in love with, the only man she’d ever loved, who was so close yet so far away. Her own husband, in the spare room, so near that she could wake him just by thudding on the wall. But not the same man he’d been back then.
Her heart stilled, but she was rattled. It was always the same dream. The day she’d gotten pregnant, the one time they hadn’t used protection. The same day she’d decided that Luke was the man of her dreams, before everything had slowly started to unravel.
A gentle tap made her stare at the door. Charlie would never knock; he would just come marching on in.
Ollie slipped out of bed and pulled on her robe, checking to see she had everything covered. She took a deep breath before opening the door.
“Hey.” It was Luke. Who else had she expected?
“Hey,” she whispered back.
She didn’t know if it was the dream or just the time of night, but she couldn’t take her eyes from his face. His hair, his lips, the stubble on his jaw. Just like he used to look. Yet somehow even better.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Her eyebrows knotted. Why wouldn’t she be okay? It was the middle of the night. “Ah, sure, I’m fine.”
Luke looked uncomfortable. “It’s just, I heard you calling out. Must have been a dream.”
This time it was Ollie who was uncomfortable. Her stomach churned as if she’d eaten something bad. “Mmm,” she mumbled, “must have.”
“Okay, well, I’ll, uh, head back to bed then.”
Ollie watched him, her embarrassment starting to fade. There had been a time when she would have told Luke anything, had thought they would be in love and happy forever. And looking at him now, she almost felt they had gone back. Gone back to when they were dating, to the early days of her pregnancy, before they’d realized that maybe they’d rushed into marriage, that things weren’t so easy with a newborn baby. That they hadn’t talked through their pasts or their problems enough, before making such a massive commitment to one another.
She took in the pajama bottoms, the bare chest, the trail of hair that skewered from his belly button as he turned back to face her. He was standing there, just looking at her, not moving.
“Ollie …” His voice trailed off.
“Yes?” She waited expectantly, desperate for him to say something, anything.
His swift movement took her by surprise. She gasped, eyes locked on his as he pulled her tight against him, pressed his lips hard onto hers. She knew she was rigid, fought it, but as she softened into him, melted into his arms, he, too, softened the kiss. Moved his lips over hers so delicately that she thought her legs would buckle.
It was over too quick. He pulled away and took a step back, his eyes tracing her face, looking for an answer.
“I never stopped thinking about you, Ollie,” he said, his voice low and husky. “I never, ever stopped wondering how the hell things had gone so wrong. How I’d managed to wreck what we had, and wished we could just go back in time.”
She stood there, mute, hand raised to her lips. What could she say to that? He’d sure had a bad way of showing how he felt.
“Luke, I …”
“No.” He said the word firmly. “Don’t say anything. Just promise you won’t give up on us, not yet. Let’s give it one more go. I might not deserve it, but let me try to make it up to you, Ollie.”
Olivia stayed still. She didn’t know what to say, anyway. She loved the memory of him, loved the look of the man standing in front of her, but she didn’t know if she actually loved him now or not. Didn’t know if she could ever truly forgive him, or trust him not to leave her. Did he still want her, or was it just for Charlie’s sake that he wanted to try again?
“I’m going to make you trust me, but first you have to say you’ll give me a chance.”
“Luke, I already have the divorce papers.”
“Give me a month, Ollie, or two. After that, I’ll sign the papers.” The look on his face told her he was being honest, that he genuinely believed it was worth trying. “I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I know things ended badly between us, but we’re married and we have a son. That counts for something. I know it and you know it.”
She bit down on her bottom lip, eyes on him. He was staring at her with that deep, brooding look. The sort of look she hadn’t seen on his face other than the day Charlie had been born.
“There’s something about being back here that makes me think we could be a family. For real.”
“You will actually be here for a whole month?” she asked.
He’d never said how long he was back for, never said when he’d be needed again. She didn’t know anything other than he was “off duty” for a while.
Luke just stared at her, unblinking. “I promise I’m here for a while. I haven’t signed up for anything else yet, and I’m owed a decent amount of time off.”
Could she do it? Actually put her heart on the line and give him a second chance? Believe what he was telling her? Change her mind and actually say yes to him?
“So what do you say?” Luke asked.
“Okay,” she whispered. Only because she wanted to see if he could change her mind.
“One month?” he asked.
As long as it takes. “Let’s just see how we go,” she answered.
Luke backed away from her, edging slowly down the hall. She was planted on the spot, her feet powerless to walk away even if she’d wanted to. What she would give to have pulled him into her room, to have made love to him just like they’d had crazy, passionate sex on the beach in her dream.
But he was right. Maybe they did have to give it a chance, for Charlie’s sake. But he was going to have to prove to her that he deserved a second chance before she ever let him back in. It had been so long, and she knew he was probably full of conflict from his time abroad. He could just as easily take flight and leave her all over again, and this time he would leave a heartbroken kid behind, too.
She was strong, so she could see him leave now and force a wall over her heart. But Charlie couldn’t. Her boy would be affected forever if he fell in love with his dad and then he left, but she didn’t have any control over that. She could stop Luke from affecting her, but he had rights to his son, and she wasn’t going to stand in his way. Yet.
Luke tried his hardest not to look back over his shoulder. He balled one fist as he walked, turning into his room as if he was marching. His body rigid.
He had come home with no intention of a reconciliation—no intention of asking for Ollie back. What he’d wanted was to be there for his son. But being home, spending time with his boy and being around his wife was driving him crazy. His perfect little family was still within his grasp, and he had to grab hold as quickly as he could to avoid losing them. Forever.
He’d never stopped regretting leaving them the first time, but they’d all been so young. Charlie had been so difficult, and Ollie had seemed determined to push Luke away. He’d panicked over being a dad, struggled for so long without being able to talk to his wife about it without her exploding, and then he’d joined his unit and never come home. Been promoted to a Special Operations task force and tried not to look back.