Self-Healing: The only introduction you’ll ever need

2 HEALING YOUR MIND

THE REALMS OF BRILLIANCE AND CONFLICT

Your mind is extraordinary. Nobody else thinks in exactly the same way as you do. No one has quite the same collection of thoughts, beliefs, memories, dreams and ideas that you have. You are special!

Much of the time our minds serve us extremely well. For most of us, the way that we think keeps us alive and helps us to function quite effectively. However, there may be areas of disharmony, conflict and ill health that are caused in part by the limiting, restrictive or judgemental beliefs that we hold. We can even think our way into illness and crisis without being aware of what we are doing.

The mind is very busy; it likes to create constant activity and it likes to stay in control of what is going on. This busy-ness and the need to control can create stress and rigidity. We need to learn to harness the power of our minds and use it constructively so that we can create the space to grow in health and happiness.

NEGATIVE AND LIMITING BELIEFS

Even the most positive people have areas of thought or belief that do not support their health and well-being. This does not mean that they are actively doing something wrong, just that – like everyone else on the planet – they need to grow beyond some of the ways they have learned to think.

As children, we rapidly absorb information about the world around us. We listen to our parents, our guardians, our brothers and sisters, our teachers and our playmates and pick up a wealth of ideas and information about ourselves, other people and the nature of the world that we live in. Some of this information is healthy, some of it is not.

On the whole, the beliefs that we learn work very well for us. Even if they are negative or limiting they often keep us safe and help us to survive during the more vulnerable periods of our lives. Chiefly we learn the best ways to gain the approval or attention of anyone who is there to look after us. Our patterns of behaviour, our thoughts and our beliefs reflect this.

As we grow up, we naturally review this knowledge, changing many of our ideas and beliefs along the way. This is part of learning and growing; we are listening to information, noticing the behaviour of the people around us, choosing our ideas and adapting to the situations we find ourselves in. The tension comes when we remain unaware of beliefs that are unhealthy for us or when we get a bit stuck in patterns of thought and behaviour that may once have been valid but now no longer reflect our needs, desires and aspirations.

SAM’S STORY

Sam was a man in his mid-thirties who came to me complaining of minor aches and pains. He constantly sought relief for his discomfort but had lost faith in the treatments he had previously attempted. He often did not complete them and his life was a catalogue of failures. He had lived through a series of unfulfilling relationships, dissatisfying jobs and missed opportunities.

We did some guided relaxation work together. I used positive thoughts and soothing visual images to settle Sam into a relaxed state and help him to release some of the tension that was contributing to his aches and pains. As he settled, Sam began to talk about his childhood and I began to hear some of his deeply held negative and limiting beliefs.

When Sam was a small child his parents had separated and Sam’s mother was left to bring up four children on her own. Money was scarce and Sam’s mother was so busy providing for her children that she rarely had the time or energy left over to give them all the attention they needed. Like most children, Sam would ask for toys and sweets, and would do his best to get a little extra attention. His mother would respond by telling him honestly that she did not have the time or did not have the money to give him what he wanted.

When she became over-tired or fed up with the constant demands Sam’s mother would say, ‘Stop asking! You can’t have what you want so there’s no point in continuing to ask. You just can’t have what you want!’ By the age of seven, Sam stopped asking. He became quite withdrawn and started to get minor illnesses, nurturing his little hurts, aches and pains. He did not complain very much because he had learned that there was no point in asking for things; at the same time his withdrawal earned him some approval from his mother, who felt less pressured by her least demanding child. He developed a belief that his needs could not be met.

As Sam grew up he automatically changed some of his beliefs. He found that he could earn money for himself and that there was not always a shortage of resources. However, he still held a basic belief that his needs would never be met and that it was not all right to ask for what he wanted. He also held a belief that there was not enough attention to go around, so he always formed relationships with women who were never quite available when he needed them. He often found himself surrounded by friends and colleagues who were distant and unavailable, too.

The more he relaxed, the more Sam was able to talk about his past and the more he too saw the connections between his childhood experiences, his deeply held beliefs and the patterns that he was living out in his adult life. Sam realized that his aches and pains came from the frustration of his unexpressed needs and the guilt that he felt about having those needs in the first place.

Together we created some positive thoughts for Sam to use regularly so that he could re-train himself to be available for more fulfilling experiences. These positive thoughts included:

• IT IS SAFE AND EASY FOR ME TO HAVE MY NEEDS MET.

• MY LIFE IS RICH AND FULFILLING,

and

• IT IS SAFE FOR ME TO ASK FOR WHAT I WANT.

By talking about his experiences and using positive thoughts to create some new, healthier beliefs, Sam was able to make some wonderful changes. His aches and pains soon dissolved and his life became richer, more satisfying and more nourishing.

THOUGHTS ARE ENERGY

Have you ever eaten something that has disagreed with you? Some foods do not suit us very well, they sit uncomfortably on the stomach, they are depleting and they may trigger an allergic reaction or lower our energy levels. If you eat a lot of foods like this your body may adjust so that you are less aware of their impact, but they are still depleting you, lowering your immune system and perhaps even causing long-term health problems. The same can be true for negative or limiting thoughts.

Our thoughts are energy. Every thought that we have contains its own unique quality and substance. We can imagine this energy as a subtle electrical charge that radiates into every cell of our bodies and creates a field of influence that surrounds us. What is more, the energy of our thoughts has its own magnetism which attracts similar or complementary energy to it. What this means is that our thoughts strongly contribute to the experiences that we create in our lives. It is said that we are what we eat. Perhaps it could also be said that we are what we think.

When we think a positive thought, we fill and surround ourselves with the positive energy of that thought. Positive energy boosts the immune system, maintains us in balance and makes us available for positive experiences, positive people, positive opportunities and healthy solutions. Similarly, negative thoughts send out a negative energy that affects our health, our balance and our experiences, but the impact is quite different. Just like unsuitable foods, negative thoughts are depleting and disempowering. In some cases they can even give us a form of mental, emotional and physical indigestion.

We have free choice. When we listen to our thoughts, noticing their impact on our health and our lives, we can exercise our power of choice. We can choose to let go of negative thinking, adopt new habits of positive thinking and adapt our patterns of belief to suit our true needs and desires. It takes patience and practice, but every one of us has the power to transform our mental patterns. We can all adopt new thoughts and beliefs that are magnetic to positive, healthy experiences.

CHANGING OUR THOUGHTS

When we feel stuck, unhappy, depleted or distressed there is always something we can do to make a difference: we can change the thought. We can ask ourselves ‘What is the belief that is contributing to this problem?’, or ‘How are my thoughts affecting my feelings, depleting my energy and inhibiting my ability to grow?’ We can learn to listen to our thoughts, notice the impact that they have on our lives and make the choice to change them.

When we are sick we can take positive action by subscribing to the appropriate medical or complementary treatments that are available to us, but this is not the only thing that we have it in our power to do. We can take the time to notice the thoughts and beliefs that could be contributing to our condition and change them to thoughts that will support our treatments and stimulate or, in some cases, accelerate the healing process.

When we are having problems in our relationships we can ask ourselves ‘Have I learned to think, act or respond in ways that could be contributing to these problems?’ The way that we think about relationships in general, the beliefs that we hold about people of the opposite sex, people of the same sex, our sexuality, our bodies and our self-esteem all contribute to the kinds of relationship that we create. If we do not like what we are creating we may need to change the thought.

We can begin to notice our thoughts and beliefs by listening to the language that we use. What words do you use again and again when you are on the telephone, talking to your parents, talking to your children, talking to your partner, conversing with a colleague or making small talk with someone that you have just met? Do you complain about the state of the world? Do you criticize yourself or other people? Do you talk about the things that are limiting you or lacking in your life? Do you use ‘struggle words’ such as hard, difficult or trying? Do you use compulsive words such as ought, must and should?

The more that we listen to ourselves talking, the more we can begin to notice the negative or limiting conversations that we have during the course of the day and the easier it is to pinpoint some of our underlying negative or limiting beliefs.

Exercise: Mind your Language

Take a day to listen to the language that you use. Is the main content of your conversation negative or positive? Are you critical, blaming and quick to judge or are you generally accepting, supportive and compassionate when you talk about yourself and other people? Do you talk about life in a way that is fearful or that expects failure or do you use words that invite safety, positive opportunities and success? Is your language filled with struggle words? Do you talk about how hard your life is or do you talk about the ease and joy of life?

If it helps, carry a pen and notebook around with you so that you can record anything that you notice about your choice of words and ideas. Alternatively, leave a tape recorder switched on for periods of time so that you can forget it is there and allow yourself to talk as you normally would.

Perhaps you will discover that the things you say are constantly negative. Some people are amazed when they do this exercise because they generally believe themselves to be quite positive and have not previously noticed the mass of negative or limiting words, phrases and concepts that they utter. Even genuinely positive people may pinpoint negative patterns of thought that they are still carrying with them from their childhood or from some period of frustration or disappointment that they have had in their lives.

If you do not notice very much, do not worry, it takes practice to listen to ourselves. Pinpointing even just one thing can begin a powerful process of transformation. Here is a guide to some common words or phrases that may help you.

STRUGGLE WORDS

Our parents may have told us, either directly or indirectly, that life is hard. As children we copied the language that they and other key figures in our formative lives constantly used. If that language included words, phrases, sayings or concepts that expressed the difficulty of life, then it is highly likely that our language will also express our deeply held belief in difficulty and struggle.

Struggle words are burdening. They weigh us down mentally, emotionally and physically, leaving us feeling dispirited and making us magnetic to difficulty in all areas of our lives. Beliefs in struggle contribute to physical tension, in some cases making our bodies look and feel defeated or joyless. They can inhibit us from having our needs met and can frustrate our ability to create the health, prosperity or relationships that we truly desire.

Here are some examples of struggle words, concepts or phrases that many of us use:

• Hard

• Difficult

• Trying

• Struggle

• Hard work

• Crisis

• Disaster.

As in:

‘It is difficult for me to learn new things.’

‘I am in a difficult situation.’

‘It will take hard work to achieve that.’

‘I always work hard but it never seems to get me anywhere.’

‘It is always such a struggle to make ends meet.’

‘I am trying to change but it is a struggle.’

‘I can’t win.’

‘It is hard for me to change.’

‘This is such a crisis.’

‘It is always such a disaster.’

If we are constantly telling ourselves how hard or difficult life is, how can we expect it to get any easier?

COMPULSIVE WORDS

As children, we also learn compulsive words from the people around us. Whenever we are told that we must do something, that we really ought to do it and that it is something that really should be done, we create compulsive beliefs – particularly when words like must, ought and should are repeated to us often. We copy compulsive beliefs from parent figures who constantly talk about what we, they or other people ought, must or should do.

Compulsive words create and reinforce compulsive beliefs that are often frustrating, draining and inhibiting. They act by motivating us to do things in a way that is pressured and joyless. The result is that we often push ourselves to the limit or more often give up in the attempt to reach some unhealthy measure of success or self-worth. Either way there is a feeling of failure and we come to feel bad about ourselves or to punish ourselves for our lack of success.

Compulsive words limit our choices. We use compulsive beliefs to drive ourselves too hard, push ourselves to do things that we do not want to do and in some cases force ourselves into situations that are unhealthy or damaging for us. They can contribute to desperation, workaholic tendencies, depression, laziness and fatigue.

Here are some examples of compulsive words, concepts or phrases that many of us use:

• Must/Must not

• Ought/Ought not

• Should/Should not

• Have to.

As in:

‘I must try harder to succeed.’

‘I must not stop until I have finished.’

‘I have to do this before I can do the things that I want to do.’

‘I should not cry in front of other people.’

‘I should stick to my diet.’

‘I ought to be feeling better by now.’

‘If I can just do this then everything will be all right.’

Some of the things that we think or talk about compulsively may be healthy for us to do. Perhaps we would benefit from sticking to our diet, but it is the way that we are thinking about it that is unhealthy. Compulsive thinking can inhibit, frustrate or sabotage the success of good, healthy schemes by rendering them joyless and turning them into a chore or a punishment.

FEARFUL PHRASES

Most of us also develop a vocabulary of fearful phrases, some exactly the same as those that we learned in childhood, others that we have picked up, adapted and created for ourselves in adult life. Fearful phrases create and reinforce fearful beliefs. At their extreme we use them to paralyse ourselves and render us inactive and impotent. Fear is a natural feeling, but fearful phrases stir us up into a terrified state that is unnatural and unhealthy.

The stress and anxiety caused by fearful thinking can lower the immune system, disrupt our natural ability to protect ourselves psychologically or mentally, raise our blood-pressure and impede our ability to enjoy the pleasures of life. The energy of fearful beliefs can even make us magnetic to the outcomes that we most wish to avoid. What we resist persists!

Here are some examples of the fearful phrases that many of us use:

‘You can’t trust anyone these days.’

‘I would be terrified of making a fool of myself.’

‘We live in a dangerous world.’

‘These are dangerous times.’

‘It is not safe to walk the streets any more.’

‘If the crooks don’t get you the government will.’

‘I’ll dry up in the middle of my exam and forget everything that

I’ve learned.’

‘What if I make a mistake?’

‘It is terrifying!’

‘What a nightmare!’

Like any other negative patterns, our fearful words and thoughts are just bad habits, and bad habits can easily be changed. We just need to be willing to change them.

NEGATIVE AND LIMITING EXPECTATIONS

Fearful beliefs are just one form of negative or limiting expectations. Our language is full of phrases and statements that reveal underlying expectations of failure, disappointment, disaster and loss. When we expect the worst we become like a character in a story or a play who carries within him a negative self-fulfilling prophesy of how his life will develop. Our negative expectations are fatalistic. They paint us as victims of tragedy or mishap rather than as the masters of our own destiny with the power to take charge of our health and happiness.

Here are some examples of phrases that reveal our negative or limiting expectations:

‘Why should I bother, it will never work.’

‘I’ll only be disappointed.’

‘I’ll make myself ill doing this.’

‘They will be glad to see the back of me.’

‘It will only get worse.’

‘I’ll never make any money.’

‘Nothing good will ever come of it.’

‘You can have too much of a good thing.’

‘I take one step forward and two steps back.’

‘I have got to make the best of a bad job.’

‘It will end in tears.’

Just as we can create a negative self-fulfilling prophecy in our lives, we can create a positive one. Changing our language, changing our thoughts and transforming our underlying beliefs can powerfully change the reality of our health, well-being, emotional state, relationships, career, finances and spiritual evolution.

YOUR INNER VOICES

Listening to the words and phrases that you use when you talk is just one key to noticing your thoughts and beliefs. There are many times during the day when we are not in conversation with somebody else. These are moments when we can be most aware of our inner dialogue. Our minds are constantly thinking. We have thousands and thousands of thoughts every day of our lives; we need to begin to listen to our inner voices as they chatter away to us.