Confessions of a Window Cleaner

“Where are we going now, Sid?”

“You’ll see.”

We’re round the back of Balham Hill and I’m all of a tingle. What is Sid up to? We cycle past a row of lock-up garages and Sid hops off his bike and swings up his ladder all in one easy movement. I put both feet down and drop mine in the gutter.

“Clumsy berk,” says Sid.

Still with the ladder on his shoulder, he pushes open the gate of one of the semis and does a quick “dum, de, dum dum,” on the doorknocker before running his fingers through his hair and sucking his teeth. The door opens fast and there’s a bird of about thirty, standing there, wearing a short-sleeved blouse and a miniskirt. She has a large charm bracelet round her wrist and high-heeled furry slippers that make her look as if she’s balanced on a couple of rabbits. She has a bright-eyed cheerful face and it looks more cheerful when she sees Sid.

“Hallo Sid,” she says, and I can tell by her expression that he doesn’t have to threaten her with a gun to get through the front door. Her eyes wander over him as if trying to remember bits that she particularly likes and she steps to one side to let him in. Then she sees me.

“That’s my new mate, Timmy,” says Sid without turning his head.

The bird’s face clouds over for a moment and then snaps back to normal.

She gives me the all-over eyeball treatment and I feel as if I’ve been fed into an IBM machine.

“I never reckoned you needed any help, Sid,” she says drily.

“Very kind of you, Viv,” says Sid with dignity, “but you know how it is. You can’t stand still nowadays, otherwise you’re going backwards. If you’re going to get anywhere you’ve got to expand.”

“Fascinating” says Viv. “Well, did you just come round to tell me how it was going to be you and Charlie Clore from now on, or was there something else?”

“We’ve come round to do your windows, of course,” says Sid. “I just thought I’d introduce you to Timmy.”

“Very nice. Hello Timmy.” She half drops her eyelids as she smiles at me and it’s very effective.

“Timmy hasn’t had much experience—”

“—oh dear.”

“—and I’m keeping an eye on him for the first few days.”

“You always were thoughtful, Sid.”

“Yes, well, I’ll leave him to get on with it then.”

“So I won’t be seeing you again, Sid?”

“Oh yes. I’ll be around I expect, you know. I just thought that—”

Sid’s voice tails away.

“Yes?”

“Well, you know.”

“Yes.”

Viv smiles an understanding smile which is obviously aimed at adding to Sid’s discomforture – and succeeds. Seeing that things are getting sticky I decide to take the initiative and step forward smartish only to be brought to a sudden halt in the doorway.

“You don’t use that inside the house do you?” says Viv, “the rooms are quite small, you know.”

I mumble something and take the ladder off my shoulder. Stupid berk!

“Well, ta ta,” says Viv cheerfully.

“Ta ta, Viv! Be seeing you. I’ll see you later.”

“O.K. Sid,” I say and the door closes behind me.

“In there,” says Viv smoothing down her skirt, and her hands don’t have a lot of work to do, I can tell you.

“In there?”

“That’s right.”

Something about the way she says it makes me feel there’s going to be a bloody great four-poster behind the door but maybe it’s my imagination. I push the door open and I’m in the kitchen. She notices my surprise.

“You want to fill your bucket, don’t you.”

“Oh yes, of course.”

She watches me do it and starts fanning herself with the Daily Mirror.

“Bloody humid, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t stand this kind of weather. Makes me feel sort of itchy all over.”

“How long have you been with Sid?”

“On the window cleaning? Only today, but I’ve known him for a long time. He’s married to my sister.”

I wonder if I should have said that but Viv doesn’t seem over-worried.

“So you’re all living with your Mum and Dad?”

“That’s right.”

All this time she’s talking her eyes are wandering over me and there’s a sort of amused expression on her face. You don’t feel that she’s interested in any of the answers she gets but that she’s just trying to unwind you with conversation.

“I don’t think you’ll get any more in there.”

I turn off the tap and empty some of the water out of the bucket so it manages to spill across the floor.

“Don’t worry,” she squeezes me just above the bicep. “You get on with the windows. I’ll clear this up. You’re a strong boy, aren’t you?” She fans herself with the paper so her tits wobble.

“It’s so muggy, I’m going to take a bath. See if that doesn’t do any good. The bathroom curtains are in the wash, so don’t take any liberties, will you?” She reaches down underneath the sink and I practically need another pair of hands to keep the ones I’ve got from grabbing her. Talk about a nice arse. It shouldn’t be allowed, it’s so nice. Once you see that, all other arses are just bums.

I grab my bucket and get outside breathing deep. I do the downstairs windows and am just getting the ladder up and my blood pressure down, when I hear a tapping above my head. It really is very sultry now and the sky looks as if it’s going to piss down with rain at any moment. I’ve seen enough flicks to know that when nature starts rearing it’s ugly head someone usually gets their end away and I hope the signs do not lie. I am round the side of the house and the window from which the tapping is coming is clearly the bathroom as there is a stream of drain-bound soapy water splashing over my boots. Perhaps she has locked herself in and needs help. The very thought has me whipping up the ladder like a clockwork monkey. Viv is pressed against the window which should be alright because the lower half is frosted glass. However, she is pressed so tight that the first thing I see is a nice bit of milky white tit with a flattened nipple in the middle of it. She moves back when she follows my eyes.

“You alright?” I say.

“I haven’t had any complaints.”

“No. I mean I thought you’d, oh, it doesn’t matter.”

“I wondered if you’d like a cup of tea?”

“Yes, that would be nice. I’ve just got the front to do and I’ll pop in.”

“Right, I’ll put the kettle on.”

The inside of the window is steamed up, and there’s a cracking niff of perfume bashing my hooter. She needn’t have bothered because I’d go for her if she had a spoonful of dripping behind the ears – or would I? I can hardly finish the windows for thinking about it and three times I drop my scrim in the same flower bed and have to rinse the bastard out. I’ll never have a better chance to score and yet that very fact is making my old man feel like it would have difficulty making a dent in a plate of cold soup. It’s like having an empty goal to shoot at and knowing you’re going to bang the ball eight yards over the bar. For a second, I even considered pissing off and leaving the whole thing for another time but I know I’ve got to go through with it – or try to.

Taking another of my deep breaths and feeling absolutely certain that my old man has dropped off and got lodged half way down one of my trouser legs, I rap on the back door and wait for Viv’s husband to open it.

“It’s open” she calls and when I go in she’s just taking the kettle off. She’s still wearing the slippers but on the rest of her is one of those big padded housecoats with frills around the hem. It is tied tightly around the waist but somehow manages to spring apart up top so I get another eyeful of her bristols.

“Do you like it?” she says, and for a moment I’m on the point of telling her I like both of them. Then I realise she means the housecoat.

“Very nice,” I gulp. “Er, it makes you look very sexy.”

“You don’t sound very convinced,” she says. “How do you like it, hot and strong like Sid?”

She has this habit of suddenly switching from one subject to another which throws me a bit.

“You mean the tea?”

“What else?”

“Anyway it comes, I’m not fussy.”

“Why don’t you sit down. You make me nervous standing there.”

I sit down and find myself playing with the sugar bowl and trying to think of something to say.

“I think we’re going to have a storm,” I manage eventually.

“Shouldn’t wonder,” she puts a cup of tea in front of me and sits down on the other side of the table.

“Do you smoke?”

“No thanks.”

She lights a fag and blows a puff of smoke at me as if from a peashooter. She’s got that amused, distant look on her face again.

“Cheer up.”

That’s always a disastrous thing to say to me because it’s like telling a bloke you can see his trousers are falling down.

“I’m very happy” I say and listen to the silence. If only I could be like Sid. He’d be chatting her up and dancing about so the whole thing would be like ‘Spring in Park Lane’. The same though obviously occurs to Viv because she rests her head in her hand and gazes at me sadly.

“You’re a quiet one compared to Sid,” she says.

“Still waters.”

“Pardon?”

“Still waters run deep.”

“Oh, I see. You’re a deep one, are you?”

“Well, I don’t know about that—”

She gets up and comes behind me resting her fingers lightly on my shoulders for a second.

“How deep do you go?”

“What do you—”

“—It doesn’t matter. Have another cup of tea.”

She reaches down past me and her warm arm brushes against the side of my face. Now’s your chance, I shout to myself but by the time I get around to moving, she’s over the other side of the kitchen filling the teapot.

“There you are,” she says, “a nice cup of cha. Do you fancy a biscuit?”

“Yes, very nice. Ta.”

She couldn’t be more obliging but she’s obviously waiting for me to do something. So am I.

“Chocolate finger or a ginger nut?”

“Ginger nut, please.”

“I won’t join you because I have to watch my figure.”

“I should think you have a lot of company.” That’s not bad and I can see it goes down well.

“Cheeky. No, its alright for an old married woman, I suppose, but I have to work at it.”

“What does your old man do—” I say very casual.

“Oh, he’s in the navy. In Singapore at the moment, lucky basket. I can just imagine what he’s up to.”

I’m glad there are a few thousand miles between us.

“How long is he away for?”

“Oh, months at a time. Why, are you thinking of moving in?”

“It’s an idea.”

“You don’t sound very enthusiastic. I know some blokes who would jump at the chance.”

I would jump at it too if I wasn’t such a stupid tongue-tied twat. I can listen to myself like some gormless berk you overhear on the bus and feel sorry for, but I can’t get off my arse and tell her I want to fuck her. I feel it so badly I’m nearly crying but it’s stuck inside me and I don’t think anything is going to bring it out. Now, I can’t think of a thing to say. Not a single bloody little word. I’m sitting there concentrating and I know my face is setting as if its in a jelly mould. I’ve got to get out. The whole thing was a stupid mistake. Its much better if you stick to thinking about it. I stand up fast and my knee jars the tea cup across the table.

“Well—” And then it rains. It doesn’t just rain, it explodes. One moment there’s nothing and then the water is hitting the ground like bullets. One moment Viv is looking at me startled the next our eyes are pulled towards the window. Its frightening – and exciting. Watching it I forget my tensions and when she struggles to close the top window I help her and our bodies are touching and the rain’s splashing all over our faces. I don’t know whether she starts kissing me first or it’s the other way round but it seems like the most natural thing in the world and when I feel her beautiful soft mouth against mine I want to come, it’s so fantastic. Her housecoat falls open and I pull her down on the floor knocking over the garbage bucket as we go. All the rubbish spills out and for some reason I find myself looking at a tin which says ‘Honest Katkins – a satisfied cat or your money back’. But not for long. Viv is coming at me like eight drunken Irishmen locked in the ladies’ and she tears at my fly like it’s the way out of a burning building.

“Get it in, get it in!” she hollers and I’m struggling with my skin tight jeans in a graveyard of potato peelings. I tear my boots off with my feet practically still in them and she’s plucking the buttons off my shirt as if she’s shelling peas. Talk about ‘Beat the Clock’. At last I get my jeans off and she grabs my cock like it’s a lifebelt and she’s going down for the third time.

“Come here,” she howls, and I’m so twitched up I nearly do – on the spot. Once she’s got her hands on you you’d be a fool to try and resist and I’m inside her faster than a pouf on a choirboys outing. Then she really starts. If I didn’t know I’d think she’d just plugged herself into the electrical circuit. I’m not complaining mind you, but it’s all a bit overpowering for me considering it’s my first time and I soon realise that things are getting out of control.

“Yowee,” I howl and suddenly its like going over a bump on a toboggan incredibly fast. Everything speeds up and I hear myself shouting as if from the other end of a long corridor.

“Thank you, thank you,” I sob, “you’re marvellous, fantastic—”

Viv moves her head to one side and squints down my body.

“You’ve cut your heel,” she says, ‘We’d better put something on it before you bleed all over the mat.”

CHAPTER THREE

When I leave Mrs. Stanmore’s – that was Viv’s name because I saw an envelope with her address and a foreign stamp on it in the kitchen – I feel about a hundred feet tall. I’ve scored at last and I want to rush off and tell everybody about it. I am a bit disappointed that Viv seems so unaffected and is thumbing through the T.V. Times when I leave but you can’t have everything. The main thing was that I’ve got my end away, and on my first day too. I rolled my eyes at all the girls I passed and wonder if they knew what they are missing. And a married woman too. She must have been on the pill – or something. How should I tell Sid? For no reason that I can think of I terrify everybody waiting for a bus outside Balham Station by shouting ‘Up the Blues!’ and race myself home.

But I don’t have to tell Sid. A couple of hours later he comes in and chucks himself down in front of the telly. Mum was getting tea and Rosie is washing her hair. Dad is presumably down at the Linnet explaining to those who haven’t heard it before how he won the Second World War.

“How’s it go?” I say waiting for him to ask the same question.

“Much as usual. I brought your ladder back.”

That takes the wind out of my sails. Sid grins.

“Yeah, you start leaving those all over the place and its going to get expensive.”

“Sorry Sid, my mind just went blank.”

“Only just?”

I try and smile but I don’t really feel like it. What did Sid go back for? I don’t have to wait long to find out.

“Viv told me you had a little tussle. Very little I believe, You’ll have to do better than that with Viv, she’s a very greedy girl.”

It occurs to me that Sid has secretly been a bit jealous once he’s handed over his bird and hopped back smartish to see that everything is alright. His swagger suggests that he has been reassured that he is still Number One in the farm yard. Lucky old Viv. She’ll really be looking up when we take on a few partners. I can’t help feeling a bit choked about it but at the same time the fact that Sid might have been worried gives me confidence. I’ve never known him show any signs of flapping before.

“She didn’t seem overimpressed with you if you must know.” I lie.

Sid goes scarlet. “What did she say?”

“Oh, nothing really. It’s not worth talking about.”

“Go on. What did she say?”

“Well, she said – oh, no. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Sid.”

“She didn’t say anything. You’re lying.”

“That’s right Sid. I was just having a little joke.”

“She’s never complained to me.”

“No, of course not.”

Poor Sid. You can see him racking his mind to think of every single time he’s had it away with her.

“She said I was the best poke she’d ever had.”

“Well, there you are.”

“What did she say?”

“I told you Sid. It was nothing really.”

Sid is starting to speak again when Mum comes in with our tea.

“What you got lined up for me tomorrow?” I says to him all innocent like.

“You can get stuffed,” he snarls, and storms out, nearly knocking over Mum’s tray.

“What’s the matter with him,” she says. “You two haven’t been quarrelling have you? Not when you’ve only just started together. Oh, dear, that’s not very nice is it?”

“It’s alright Mum,” I say loud enough for Sid to hear before the front door closes, “he’s strained his groin and I was telling him to look after himself.”

That’s the last bit of spare I get from Sid and for the next few weeks our relationship is dead official. Every morning he gives me a list of addresses and tells me the area he wants me to cover and off we cycle in opposite directions.

My little adventure with Viv has totally changed my approach to women and I’m now a different person. It’s like learning to ride a bike. Once you find you can stay up there’s no holding you. In fact, looking back I think I overdid it a bit. I was all straining biceps and too-tight T-shirts; whistling through clenched teeth and bouncing about like the bloke who takes your money on the Giant Whip. I must have looked like the cover of ‘Butch Male’. Not that I didn’t realise there was room for improvement. I had sensed that Viv went off the boil pretty quickly, before Sid started riding me, and it was easy to tie this in with the fact that I’d been in and out of her faster than the Pope mistaking the local Synagogue for the Gents.

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