The Positive Woman

Introduction

No, I don’t think I could write a book on positive thinking.

Gael Lindenfield, 1988

But here it is – and so yet another nail goes into the coffin of my negative demon! But I’m glad that I can still recall, and own, this initial response to a suggestion from my publisher. There are two reasons for this: firstly, it reminds me of the tremendous power which negative conditioning can exert on our minds; and secondly, it illustrates how important it is to have positive strategies with which consciously to fight such a destructive force!

As a therapist, I am probably more aware than most people of how negative thoughts, feelings and behaviour can seriously limit and damage our chances of both health and happiness. I have seen with my own eyes plenty of evidence to back up the research which is now proving the power of the mind’s influence over the body, and I note that many people from other professions are also acknowledging this. For example:

• Even the most medically or surgically orientated doctors are listening to evidence which suggests that positive thinking bolsters the immune system and encourages the body’s self-healing capacities.

• Cynical and sceptical die-hards of the business world are becoming convinced that a positively orientated work force thinks more creatively and has more energy than one which is depressed and fearful.

• Teachers are realizing that pupils learn more effectively when there is an emphasis on positive stimulation rather than destructive punishment.

• Coaches are fostering optimism and hope in their athletes, knowing that they can run faster, jump higher and shoot goals more accurately if they believe they can win.

So why should I initially have made such a negative response to my publisher’s suggestion? The reasons were, I believe, both cultural and personal. The personal causes lie deep in my own personality structure. I emerged from childhood with major doubts about my own self-worth and the ability of the world to offer me any happiness or success. These doubts continued to be strengthened as I proceeded to disappoint myself with impossible challenges and cynical friends throughout my early adult years. Fortunately, one day as I reached the very depths of despair, I became aware that I had the choice of life or death, and that if I was to take the responsibility for living seriously I would have to take control of my personality. With not inconsiderable help, I taught myself to recognize my negative reactions, control them and replace them with a more ‘healthy’ positive approach.

The cultural reasons for my hesitance were mainly to do with my gender as a woman. At that time, the subject of positive thinking was most closely identified with the kind of success that is measured chiefly by bank balances. Its famous gurus were men preaching to ambitious work-orientated men; whereas I, being a typical female from the caring professions, had spent a career helping ‘the underdogs’ (mainly women) cope with much more mundane everyday personal problems with partners, parents, children, colleagues and friends. Now, just a few years later, men and women are moving much more freely between each others’ traditional worlds. Many of my clients are now men – and I even run personal development courses in that hitherto ‘alien’ world of big business!

As a result of this cross-fertilization of ideas and experiences I am very aware that there are vast numbers of both men and women who are in need of strategies to keep them feeling and acting positively. In this day and age of multi-national commercial and governmental organizations, with the break-up of traditional family patterns and bitter philosophical, political and religious debate, who doesn’t at times feel powerless and defeatist?

So why is this book addressed specifically to women?

Firstly, I think that women have a special need for positive strategies. For several decades we have been riding on the difficult but generally optimistic waves of the liberation and feminism movements. We now seem to be entering a new era. There is evidence of a backlash to our protests and progress. We can observe a current trend of looking back nostalgically at old values and wondering whether women ‘have gone too far’. There is, for example, a revival of media and government interest in old-style family patterns, a cry for women to solve the unemployment problem by returning home to care for their ‘neglected’ children and elderly parents, disgust at American female soldiers who go to war with pictures of their babies on their hats, renewed interest in the anti-abortion and anti-contraception campaigns, and outspoken opposition towards women’s ordination. We also hear that more women are resorting to drugs, prescribed or otherwise, becoming criminal, violent, suffering from heart attacks, becoming addicted to nicotine and alcohol, and risking unwanted pregnancy and Aids.

At the same time, in spite of the rise of ‘New Man’ images and ideas in the 1980s, we see many men and boys girding up their macho loins. Jokes about ‘Women’s Lib’ are commonplace, while there is an increased interest in combat games and dress amongst boys, and open cynical questioning about how the ‘New Man’ is supposed to cope with his feelings in the face of enemy gunfire.

These kinds of trends in the current times of severe economic and political stress mean that women’s newly established rights and liberties may be in serious danger, so I believe that because of this situation and our long history of putting others before ourselves, we need the help and support that positive thinking and action strategies can give us. Learning how to empower ourselves by making the most effective use of our personal potential is vitally important if we wish to continue to assert our rights and find ways of capitalizing on the more optimistic social trends. We can take heart from noticing, for example, that green and peace issues are being routinely debated in the political world, and that there is a noticeable move towards a more caring, facilitative and participative management style in many major organizations. It is to our advantage that these trends are in line with feminine values and skills.

The second reason for addressing this book to women is that I am one myself! Accordingly, I have often had firsthand experience of learning to cope with the kind of internal and external problems which are discussed in this book. Because of conditioning, men and women do see themselves and the world differently; our interest and concerns may often be the same, but we may have differing priorities and even use different language to discuss them. You may notice, for example, that this book gives more attention to feelings and personal life than do most of the positive thinking books written by men.

Paradoxically, it was my work with men which made me ‘super-conscious’ of these differences. Several years ago, I found that, in order to be able to help men more effectively in my work, I had to school myself in the culture of masculinity. I did so for several years by taking an advanced academic course, and doing many research projects which involved talking to men about masculinity. But I know that this extra understanding and knowledge will never be completely adequate, and there always comes a point in my work with men when we become aware of their need to talk and work with other men. So, in turn, as a woman, I hope to be able to help other women more effectively.

How to read and use this book

I have designed this book as a self-help course which can either be used by individuals working on their own or as a basis for group work.

It aims to do the following:

– provide an easy-to-digest explanation of the relevant theory and philosophy of positive thinking approaches

– present exercises, checklists and guidelines to help you identify your problem areas and find ways to make your thinking, feeling and behaviour more positive

– support you in your self-help programme.

I have liberally scattered the text with encouraging and enlightening quotes from a wide range of people, some of whom are ‘experts’ and others who are merely sharing the wisdom of their personal experience.

I was keen to use as many quotes from women as I could, but unfortunately these are hard to come by, not necessarily because they are less relevant or witty, but simply because they have not been recorded in the same numbers as those by men. Knowing this reality, I started to make my own list and collected a considerable number from listening to women on the television and radio during the year before writing this book, but unfortunately my own recordings are probably now disintegrating at the bottom of a Spanish river where the car-thief who stole my notes most likely threw them!

To turn to the structure of the book itself:

• Part 1: Laying the foundations deals with ways in which you can provide yourself with a firm positive base by:

– expanding your self-knowledge and becoming more self-aware

– challenging and changing your negative thinking, feeling and behavioural habits.

• Part 2: Getting equipped looks at practical ways to prepare yourself for action by:

– improving your physical well-being

– finding an appropriate image

– acquiring additional helpful skills and know-ledge.

• Part 3: Getting into action gives guidelines and exercises to help you put the theory and the ‘new you’ into practice through:

– re-vitalizing your personal relationships

– changing your lifestyle with better management.

• Part 4: Practical support introduces a number of additional ways to help and support you in your programme for change, including:

– positive action strategy

– relaxation, meditation and visualization exercises

– the use of affirmations and scripting

– a reading list for further help and advice.

How long it will take you to complete the book and the course will depend firstly on your motivation, secondly on the extent of your difficulty, and thirdly on the time you can make available to do the personal development work. I would suggest that even the keenest of the keen would be pushing themselves if they expected to see big changes in less than eight weeks. Many people using my other books report that they have taken a quick read of the text for initial encouragement and a basic understanding of the method and have then returned to the books again to work through them at a slower pace so that they could digest them more thoroughly and complete the exercises.

Although, in my experience, most people find this kind of personal development work engrossing and rewarding even in its early stages, there will be times when you will be tempted to give up on yourself. This is why it is important to go at the pace which suits you – too fast and you will exhaust yourself and too slow you will lose momentum. The beauty of using these self-help methods is that you are in control and there is not the competitive element found in many courses. Who is to know, or care, whether you are working through the programme as fast and furiously as Jane in Auckland, Paula in Toronto or Gillian in Birmingham? You are the chief trainer and therapist. You must set the goals, plan the action, assess the progress and arrange the rewards. This book is designed to stimulate and enrich your potential to help yourself by providing you with inspirational examples, enlightening theory and hundreds of down-to-earth, practical ideas. Use it to empower and encourage yourself to overcome and control the negative demon within you!

Chapter 1 Basic philosophy

What is it all about?

We all know women who think and act positively even when the cards seem well and truly stacked against them. The individual personalities of these women will vary enormously – some will be quietly spoken and others will be the life and soul of every occasion – but I believe that they, and others who habitually think, feel and act positively, are likely to share the following basic characteristics.

Hallmarks of positive thinkers

Progressive

Optimistic

Sensible

Independent

Trusting

Industrious

Versatile

Encouraging

• Progressive – because they themselves are continually growing and developing and they are interested in helping others to do the same. They are not afraid of the future; indeed, they look forward to it with enthusiasm and interest. They are not always looking back over their shoulders at ‘the good old days’, even though they may appreciate and be able to learn from their own and their culture’s history.

• Optimistic – because they approach problems and situations believing that a good outcome may be possible. They do not easily give up hope, so they are able to persevere through difficult times and setbacks. They believe that taking an encouraging view of the situation can often bring about a favourable outcome.

• Sensible – because they carefully assess situations and prepare themselves well for possible setbacks and disasters. They know the advantages of sound organization and management strategies and do not just allow luck or fate to guide them along. They are careful to ensure that their goals, although challenging, are realistic, so they are not continually setting themselves up for failure.

• Independent – because they are at ease with themselves, they enjoy their own company and are not continually dependent on others to make them feel happy or secure. They are able to have satisfying long-term intimate relationships because they can control their dependency needs and can allow other people to have their individuality. They can motivate and organize themselves and are capable of being self-supporting. They are not afraid to swim against the tide and take innovatory steps forward or make difficult decisions.

• Trusting – because they have a high degree of self-knowledge and sound values, they are able to trust themselves. They do not feel continually disappointed or surprised by their own feelings and actions and are therefore able to make full use of their spontaneity and intuition. They enjoy meeting new faces and are able to put their trust in others because, unless there is proof to the contrary, they believe that most people are good and have enormous potential. This means that they are both willing to lead and be led.

• Industrious – because they have belief in themselves and their potential and are optimistic about outcomes, they are well motivated and can work with enthusiasm and energy. They try to ensure that their work is meaningful and rewarding so that they tend to enjoy rather than resent it. As they are keen to be working in peak form most of the time, they ensure that they look after themselves both physically and mentally. They are keen to stretch the limits of their potential so they make certain that they use all the educational and training opportunities available to them.

• Versatile – because they are confident of their own ‘core identity’, they are able to move easily in and out of many different roles and make full use of the various sides of their personality. They are able to be logical and rational but also very creative and resourceful. They do not easily get stuck in ruts or become obsessional or phobic, but are open to new ideas and a whole range of different experiences and viewpoints.

• Encouraging – because they do not feel threatened by others’ success, they are willing and able to enthuse and lead. Without standing on a pedestal, they are willing and able to share the secrets of both their personal and public achievements and therefore can be an inspiration and guide to others. People feel safe to take risks and make mistakes in their presence because they do not demand perfection and are open about their own limitations. They want to take active steps to make the world a fairer, safer and happier place for everyone and, because they look after themselves well, they have the energy to care for others and engage in reforming or revolutionary projects.

I am convinced that the above are not mere figments of my idealistic imagination! They are traits which I have observed in numerous people who are leading happy, satisfying and socially useful lives. Some of the most famous examples are quoted throughout this book, but there are many others who live quietly but contentedly and productively out of the limelight.

I also see many people striving to achieve these qualities but often finding themselves frustratingly blocked, in spite of their supreme effort and motivation. Some of the resistance comes from outside forces, but often it is internal. Many people are becoming increasingly aware that their own negativity is blocking their potential to be the kind of person they want to be.

Negative thinking

The sad fact is that very many people find themselves:

– afraid to take risks, so they stay in the same boring, unrewarding job or damaging relationship

– unable to take responsibility and assert themselves so that their children, colleagues or boss walk all over them

– giving up on their appearance and health by letting their body ‘go’; perhaps becoming overweight, drinking too much, wearing themselves out, not bothering to ‘dress up’ or face the hairdresser’s

– becoming increasingly isolated and lonely, as their friendships deteriorate and no new ones are formed

– getting more rigid and obsessional in their thinking and losing touch with their creativity so they are passed over for promotion

– not bothering to vote, so they get the government they don’t trust

– too busy, too worn out or too despairing to give time to ‘good causes’ so they begin to project their guilt outwards with ‘aren’t they awful’ and ‘isn’t it terrible’ ineffectual moans.

No-one can say exactly how many women are suffering in this way but, judging from my post bag and other contacts, the numbers in Britain alone must be in the millions. Some people, of course, only get the ‘black phases’ occasionally and can cope by just waiting until ‘it passes’, but many others find that their negativity gradually creeps up on them until it is in danger of dominating their general thinking and lifestyle. My guess is that therapists like myself only ever see the tip of the iceberg, because most women in this state, even if they were well informed, would feel too ashamed, lethargic, despairing, cynical or powerless to believe that there was a way out of their negativity.

The root causes of negative thinking

I do not believe that some people enter this world as ‘born pessimists’ or ‘born losers’. I know that social and economic factors do give some of us a fairer start than others, and I also acknowledge that many of our general personality traits, such as our inclination towards extrovert or introvert styles of behaviour, are probably governed by our genetic inheritance. But I remain convinced that our basic attitudes towards ourselves and the world do affect the kind of life we find ourselves experiencing.

Our attitudes are programmed into our personality through ‘messages’ which we receive during the impressionable years of our childhood, and are then strengthened and reinforced by our experiences in adult life. These ‘messages’ are given to us directly or indirectly. For example, we may be told directly that we are ‘great’ or indirectly made to feel ‘great’ because of the way our parent figures responded to us. Similarly we can learn to see the world and the people in it as threatening because that is what we are told or because we have been repeatedly threatened ourselves. These ‘messages’ then become stored in the subconscious part of our mind and personality and will generally guide our feelings and behaviour. This is often referred to by therapists and psychologists as the ‘automatic pilot’ within us.