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‘You seem clear-sighted. I’m sure you can tell that this place is something very special.’
Then he winked at her, turned on his heel, and vanished.
*
Everything was silent on the ferry home. She hardly heard the shrieking of the gulls, the lapping of the waves, or the pleasant hum of the engine. Her thoughts were torn, bouncing around inside her head like tiny demons. The peaceful, well-organized atmosphere of the manor clashed with her own chaotic life. And the thought of working with books was a tempting one.
Wilma was also noticeably quiet; she was staring down at the foam where the keel of the ferry broke the surface.
‘Jesus, what a place!’ she said.
Sofia laughed.
‘Like a different universe, right?’
‘I think you should try out the program.’
‘Without you?’
‘I promised to go to Rhodes with my mom, and I can’t blow off this new job. And you were obviously the one he was into. The air practically crackled when he looked at you.’
Sofia’s cheeks grew warm.
‘Oh, quit it. But who knows, maybe I’ll do it. No way I’m signing any contract, though.’
‘Of course not,’ Wilma said.
Sofia was dragged back into the roiling sea of thoughts in her mind. But then the mainland came into sight on the horizon and the sound of the sea and the ferry engine returned. It was as if the sea was a bridge between two worlds — the real world, where they were headed, and the strange, dreamlike world they had just left.
She didn’t know whether this new world, the one she had just discovered, was a new adventure awaiting her, or just a creepy illusion.
I’m practically right next to him before he notices me.
He’s fixing the chicken wire, on his knees in the dirt. He has put his garden gloves on the ground and is holding the barbed wire with his bare hands.
His entire being disgusts me. The start of a bald patch on the top of his head, the sweat gathering in beads on his neck, and the pungent odour of grime, earth, and grass pouring off him.
I lean down, place my mouth near his ear, and say ‘Hello, Doctor!’
Loudly.
He jumps and seems relieved once he realizes it’s me. He looks like a little piglet, lying there in the dirt.
‘Well hello there, Fredrik! Nice to see you.’
‘Not that nice,’ I say.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean it’s not so nice, what you do to Lily.’
Sudden, naked fear appears on his face and he readies his fat, protruding lips. But I cut him off before he can say a word.
‘You don’t need to say anything. I know everything, do you understand me? She told me the whole damn thing, but I’m not going to tattle. Why would I?’
He starts to speak again but I put up my hand, and then I feel the rush, that intoxicating mixture of power and strength.
He squints up at me; the sun is at my back. I want him to see me like this, like a backlit angel of justice.
‘All I want is for you to leave us alone,’ I say. ‘And I want access to the attic. I need to look for something there.’
‘Of course you can go in the attic, Fredrik. But what on earth did Lily tell you?’ He makes an attempt to get up. I just turn my back on him.
‘You know perfectly well what she told me,’ I say as I walk away.
I’m so pleased that I have to repress the urge to do a little victory dance there in the sunlight. Now I’ll have Lily to myself and free run of the estate.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a plan. A grand plan.
He is only a tiny, flimsy part of it. And anyway, it’s all for his own good.
4
It was unusually dark when she woke. She felt rested, but something was wrong. Her eyes searched for her digital alarm clock, but there was only blackness. Her fear of the dark strangled her for a moment, until she realized where she was. Far from home, out on the island. That was the way of things here — no light at all when you were sleeping. Although she had left a tiny crack at the bottom of the roller blind, in spite of the ban.
She fumbled for the button on the bed frame, and as she pressed it the room was slowly bathed in a warm, gentle light. The clock became visible: quarter past ten! She had overslept again. ‘Use your mental clock,’ they had told her. ‘Decide when you will wake up, and it will happen.’ But so far that wasn’t working for her.
Breakfast was only served until ten, but that didn’t matter. She would take a walk around the island before lunch.
She had been there for three days, and completed the first step, which was called ‘unwinding’. It really just meant that you ate, slept, and took walks. And did a few hours of what they called ‘altruistic work’ — in other words, free labour for them, because it involved working in the fields or pottering in the gardens. It didn’t matter, though; it was pleasant to weed flowerbeds. Today she would meet with a personal advisor and receive her program plan, and she was curious how it would go. But most of all she was curious about Oswald’s theses.
Outside it was cloudy and calm, and the property was quiet aside from some bleating sheep. She decided to walk to the lookout point and gaze out at the sea for a while. A path led there from the manor, but this time she walked through the forest. She wanted to test her ability to navigate the terrain.
Most of the trees were pine or birch, lined up in tight, symmetrical patterns. Here and there an oak or spruce competed for sunlight, but they remained short and straggly in the shadow of the majestic pines. It had rained during the night and the forest smelled like wet moss and earth. The trees were heavy with raindrops that clung to the leaves.
She got lost straight away, but then she heard water burbling in a small brook between the trees. The water was rushing so fast that it had to be coming from somewhere higher up.
She followed the brook and found herself in a clearing. She stopped, inhaling the moist air, enjoying the sensation. Suddenly she felt observed. When she looked up, she spotted a bird sitting before her, perched on a pine branch and staring with keen eyes. A buzzard or sea eagle. It wouldn’t look away. She cursed ViaTerra’s ban on phones, which had just cost her an incredible photo op. But then something creaked in the woods and the spell was broken. The bird flapped its wings and soared up to the grey sky with a mewing, plaintive call. She kept walking, and soon she could see the lookout point through the trees.
Beyond the large heath and just before the cliffs plunged to the sea, there was a bench. She sat down and looked out at the water. The sky was clearing. Behind the wall of cloud on the horizon rose more clouds, fat and fluffy, like giants on their way to the island. She focused her gaze on them and began to daydream. She sat just like that, perfectly still, for a long time.
Her rumbling stomach finally brought her back down to earth.
She jogged back to the manor, and by the time she stepped into the dining room it was half past noon. As she waited to be served, she noticed a new guest: Ellen Vingås, the opera star, was sitting alone in front of a large portion of food. Just as Sofia’s plate arrived at the table she was interrupted by an ‘ahem.’ An unnaturally thin guy was standing before her, smiling. She immediately recognized him from Oswald’s lecture in Lund. It was the guy who had insisted that she and Wilma fill out forms.
‘Sofia, my name is Olof Hurtig and I’ll be your personal advisor. Enjoy your lunch, and then I want to see you in my office. We’ll plan your program.’
His small goatee bobbed as he spoke.
‘Sure, is your office in the main building?’
Sofia had hoped to run into Oswald there. She hadn’t seen him yet.
‘No, all guest service takes place here in the annexes. The offices are right next to the gym. There’s a small room there, and that’s where I’ll be waiting for you.’
She ate up her food, ravenous.
Hurtig was waiting at a desk in a little room just behind the gym. The visitor’s chair was so low to the floor that whoever sat behind the desk was transformed into a lofty god.
‘Let’s see now, Sofia. I’ve got your file here.’
He opened the folder before him.
‘A file? I didn’t know I had a file here.’
‘Don’t worry. Everything you say here is confidential. We are bound by professional secrecy.’
‘But I only got here three days ago. How could I have a file?’
‘It’s just your form and a few notes from the interview when you first came to the island.’
The folder contained a whole stack of paper, not just a few sheets, but he went on before she could point this out.
‘I see a pattern here,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘Someone who has caused you pain and anxiety. A great betrayal. Maybe a failed relationship, could that be right?’
Her head was spinning. Had he Googled her? How could he know about all of that?
‘Maybe, I guess, but how did you know . . .’
Hurtig shifted in his chair. He seemed incapable of sitting still: he leaned across the desk, clearly delighted at her reaction.
‘Don’t look so surprised. It’s our job to read people. Let’s talk about your program instead, how we’re going to help you take control of your life.’
He scribbled furiously, nodding now and again. He held up the paper when he was finished.
8:00–10:00: workout and breathing exercises
10:00–12:00: altruistic work . . .
The schedule went on, noting mealtimes, time in the egg, thesis study in the evening. She wondered how this could possibly be different from everyone else’s programs, but before she could ask, Hurtig stood up and put out his hand.
‘Sofia, it’s been a pleasure. Good luck with the program!’
The only time he had taken his eyes from her was when he was writing her schedule. He was still staring at her, confident that she would turn around and leave. And so she did. Her legs just stood up, and her body followed. Then she felt the urge to go back and demand to see everything in her file. But did it really matter? The things he’d said could be true of anyone. Were there any women who weren’t carrying the baggage of a failed relationship or two?
A few days later, she made a discovery in the woods. Her schedule was stricter, but there was still time for morning walks. Sure, they were expected to be brisk walks, to stimulate the circulation, but Sofia was only out for a stroll that day.
She had returned to the clearing. Her iPhone was in her pocket, in case the eagle showed up again. Naturally, the tree it had been in was empty, but then she caught a glimpse of something red through the foliage. Just twenty metres from the clearing was a summer cottage, in the middle of the forest. It was small, and the overgrown lot it sat on was only a few hundred metres square.
Out front was a wind-torn hammock and some shabby outdoor furniture. Inside, the blinds were down.
She walked into the yard. Someone must have been there recently, because at one end of the house stood a rusty wheelbarrow half full of last year’s leaves. Behind the cottage she found a watering can, empty pots, and a bag of potting soil. She returned to the front and tried the door handle. The door swung open. I’m really intruding now, she thought, but she stepped inside anyway. The front room was both kitchen and living room, with a gas stove, a table, and a kitchen bench. The curtains were crocheted in white lace that had yellowed with cooking fumes and become dotted with fly droppings. It smelled a little musty, thanks to the raw, damp air, but it didn’t seem mouldy. And there was a fireplace with newspapers in a neat pile next to a stack of wood.
She picked up one paper and looked at the date. It was almost a year old.
There was one more room, a bedroom with a single bed and a dresser. The wallpaper was white and patterned with beach balls and snails. The bedspread was crocheted in the same white lace as the kitchen curtains.
She searched for the bathroom. There was only a toilet and a sink, no shower. She wondered if the water was on and tried the faucet, which sputtered and released a thin stream of water. Incredible, out here in the middle of the forest, she thought. She knew she had to leave now to get back before the program started, but she couldn’t tear herself away.
There was a dusty bureau in the living room. The top drawer was full of newspaper clippings. She picked up a scrap of paper on the rag rug before the bureau; it was a ferry ticket bearing yesterday’s date. She suddenly felt like someone was watching her and whirled around. The front door banged in the breeze, creaking on its hinges, but the cottage was empty. She let the ticket flutter to the floor and went outside. The sun had found a crack between the trees and was shining on the lawn in front of the house.
There was no one there.
*
That evening she ate dinner with a man and woman in their fifties. The man introduced himself as Wilgot Östling, chief of the county police; his wife, Elsa, was an accountant. Ellen Vingås joined them as well. She was a large woman with lively brown eyes and dark skin. Her laugh was burbling and infectious, and she kept the conversation going with stories about life in the opera world. It was impossible not to enjoy her company. The Östlings talked about how wonderful the program was, dropping words like down-to-earth, peacefulness, and vitality.
‘How are things going for you, Sofia?’ Ellen asked.
‘Oh, fine — I just got my program.’
‘Me too. The guy who planned it for me must be a mind-reader. That, or he Googled all my online biographies. Oh well, a little relaxation can’t hurt.’
‘It’s a lot more than that for me,’ said Elsa Östling. ‘It feels like I’ve finally come down from the stress of my job. I feel as cool as a cucumber, in fact.’
Her husband nodded in agreement.
‘I’ve known Franz since he started ViaTerra. If there’s anyone that can put a dent in the level of stress we have in this damn country, it’s Franz. He’s created a real oasis here.’
‘But what happens when you go back to real life?’ Ellen asked. ‘How can you be sure you won’t go right back to eating McDonald’s and sneaking alcohol?’
She laughed so shrilly that the guests at the next table turned around.
Elsa looked at Ellen in alarm. Wilgot looked offended.
‘I think it’s up to each individual to change his own life. To keep making use of everything we learn here,’ he said.
Ellen turned to Sofia.
‘We’ll see how it goes. If it all goes to hell, we can always find some other nutso self-improvement group somewhere. There are plenty of them.’
Sofia laughed. She hoped she would get to talk to Ellen again.
*
After dinner she looked in on what would eventually become the library. The door was open, and the building was even more beautiful now that the sun was setting and casting an orange glow across the spacious room. She imagined what it would look like with books everywhere, large sofas, a modern computer system.
At last she went to the common room next to the dining room to use the shared computer. She wrote an email to her parents and promised to come home for a visit in a few weeks.
Her thoughts wandered to Ellis. He had completely flipped out when she broke up with him, throwing things and screaming like a madman. Then came the blog: posts and comments about her that popped up all over the internet. It had all culminated in a few pornographic images with Sofia’s face pasted in. Anyone could tell that the pictures had been Photoshopped, but it didn’t matter. They made her feel awful.
Her thoughts of Ellis caused her to shudder as she worried about what he might do next.
She peered over her shoulder to make sure no one was looking, then fished out her phone and placed it next to the keyboard. She texted Wilma a summary of the first couple of days and ended by writing, Have you heard from Ellis? Feels like he’s haunting my brain again.
Was it the book, the cape, or the cave that came first?
Right, it was the cave, it must have been. Definitely the cave.
The sun is setting. We’ve climbed all the way down the cliffs to catch the crabs that get stuck in the little cavities between the rocks. I show her how you can crush them with your shoe and throw them out to the crying gulls. She’s wearing a short denim skirt. Her legs are so tan; smooth, long, and delicious. She turns to me and the sun catches in her tangled hair so it glows like a flame. It looks like someone is holding a match to her head.
I think about taking her with me after all, but I don’t know what role she could play in my plan. How I would use her.
She squints up at the cliffs, pointing.
‘Look, Fredrik!’
I look up and see it: an opening in the rock that gapes like a missing tooth.
We climb up. The hole is tall and deep, but the entrance is blocked with driftwood and rocks, probably deposited by the most recent storm. We pull and tug, clearing and overturning, tossing rocks and wood down to the water, until the opening is free.
Then we crawl in and sit down on the cave floor.
‘I bet you can get in from above,’ she said. ‘Just climb down the cliff rocks.’
I nod, pulling her closer. I press her onto the cold floor. We wrestle for a bit and I get my hands under her shirt.
‘Not here,’ she says. ‘It’s too cold on my bum.’ She sits up and looks around the cave. ‘This place is awesome!’ she says with a grin.
We sit there for a while, quiet, watching through the cave opening as the sun sinks into the sea.
5
She continued to think of Ellis now and then, but she still felt unusually at ease. The fresh air, healthy food, and good sleep had put her body into a pleasant torpor. Then came the theses, which shook her right out of it.
Although it didn’t start off on such a good note.
‘This is a blank piece of paper!’ she said, looking at Olof Hurtig, who was standing before her with an expectant gaze.
‘I know, Sofia. Maybe you should read the first thesis again.’ He placed it in front of her, on top of the blank sheet of paper.
Thesis #1: Your inner self knows everything.
There is a voice inside you that isn’t really a voice. If you learn to listen to it, you, the dreamer, will awaken from your dream. This voice has many names: a sixth sense, clairvoyance, vibes, or ESP. But we call it intuition.
This voice is like the sun on a cloudy day. Even when the clouds cover the sky, and even during the darkest night, the sun is shining. The clouds and the darkness are your mental distractions, which keep you from reaching your inner self.
Exercise: Your advisor will give you a portal into your mind. Observe it and search for your inner self.
‘I already read that,’ she said. ‘Why should I sit here staring at a blank piece of paper?’
‘Do as it says in the exercise,’ said Olof.
She felt disappointed and duped, and resentment was buzzing in her head like a bee, so she just stared sulkily at him.
‘Why is the text so short? I thought the theses were real essays.’
‘The truth is always simple, Sofia.’
‘Yes, but isn’t staring at a piece of paper taking it a little far?’
He gave her a sympathetic smile.
‘Let’s say that this paper is your mind. It’s perfectly blank, and you can do whatever you want with it. That’s why we call it a portal. What do you see on this paper, Sofia?’
‘Nothing!’
‘Exactly. Try to find the empty space in your mind, and you’ll find your self.’
I’m glad I didn’t have to pay for this, she thought, fixing her eyes on the white sheet. Her boiling anger gradually cooled and she let her eyes relax until the paper grew blurry. She sat staring for a long time. Time seemed to disappear, until finally she felt something: weightlessness and relief. Some mass around her head seemed to disperse.
She took her eyes from the paper and looked up at Olof.
‘I feel lighter. Weightless.’
His face split into a broad smile. He nodded eagerly and put a hand on her shoulder.
‘Good! What you felt was your inner self. It’s that simple. We’ll move on to thesis number two tomorrow.’
Her disappointment ebbed away later that night. Her spirits really did feel lighter. Colours were brighter, sounds sharper, and her laugh a little warmer. She noticed it all and felt pleasantly surprised.
The next evening, she went to the classroom with low expectations. Olof was already wound up, rubbing his hands and beaming at her with that smile that almost distorted his narrow face. She looked around, wondering if everyone else in the room had also found the first thesis peculiar. They looked so unconcerned, as if staring at a piece of paper was the most natural thing in the world. Ellen Vingås was there too, laughing so loudly that her advisor shushed her. The only decoration on the white walls was a poster with the English phrase Simplicity is power.
Sofia wondered why it wasn’t in Swedish, but maybe the Swedish didn’t sound as nice.
‘Thesis number two!’ Olof said. ‘Are you ready?’
She nodded and sat down in front of him.
Thesis #2. You are your past.
What you are right now is a culmination of everything you’ve ever thought or done, and everything that has been done to you. You are the sum of your subjective and objective experiences. Thus you can change yourself through the thousands of choices you face each day. All the power you will ever find already exists within you, in your past.
Exercise: Your advisor will teach you to draw strength and energy from your memories.
‘We’ll be doing this exercise in my office,’ Olof said. ‘So we can work undisturbed.’
He closed the blinds halfway when they entered his small office, making everything look pale and grey. She sank into the puffy visitor’s chair while he fished a small piece of paper from the desk drawer.
‘Now close your eyes. I’m going to give you a few simple commands, and you should tell me what you’re seeing and thinking.’
The commands were brief, but he dragged out the words in a deep voice that was almost a whisper.
Remember a time when you felt strong.
Remember a time when you felt triumphant.
Remember a time when life was easy.
Recall your first achievement.
There seemed to be endless variations on the question, and he always had the next command on the tip of his tongue. She had a hard time recalling at first, but then incidents began to pop up. Hidden memories. Lovely images.
‘What do I do if a bad memory pops up?’ she asked, because she had been reminded of a bike accident when she had broken her arm.
‘Did you feel strong that time? Superior?’
‘Not exactly.’
‘Then we’ll ignore it. Just find another memory.’
They went on like that for a few hours, until Olof’s voice began to fade out and she felt warm inside, a little fuzzy — almost giggly. She sank into a warm darkness where she was alone with her images, and Olof’s voice was way off in the distance.
Then came an image that was extra clear and colourful. A pair of tiny feet tottering across a lawn, viewed from above. At first she pushed the image aside, because it seemed so unbelievable. But it returned, and she could feel the dew under her feet and her inner joy at the ability to walk. It’s strange that my feet have gotten so big, she thought with a shudder, because all at once she knew the memory was real.