Mean Girls

She shrugged. “Fine.”

Becca walked over to Johnny and the table, glancing at Max. He was talking to Cameron, and Blake was staring right at her. Becca narrowed her eyes. Blake smiled back.

Bitch. If it wasn’t for Becca, she might not have Cam. How dare she be so obnoxious.

The other team took the first shot. One miss. Two misses. Becca could still feel Blake’s eyes on her.

“Ladies first.” Johnny handed her a ball.

She tossed it at the triangle of red Solo cups. It bounced off a rim and into the water. She’d played enough that she should be good.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Blake shake her head and interrupt Cam and Max’s conversation. Becca wished she could hear it.

Johnny took his shot, and made it, too. “Ha! That’s both, we go again.”

Blake finished what she was telling Max, and he looked at her.

“It’s your shot, babe.”

Becca took the ball. Max walked toward her.

“Let me talk to you for a second,” he said, walking right past Becca, and out the door.

She rolled her eyes. “Here—um, Susan, come play for me.”

The next second, she was out the door.

Max jumped in, without preamble. “Do you have a thing with Johnny?”

She stood, feeling shocked. No words came to her.

“Just fucking tell me, Becca. I do not have any patience right now for this.”

“Wow, you are so untrusting it’s unbelievable.”

“If you are? If you’ve been hooking up with my best friend all along, I just need to know.”

She smiled. “Let me guess, Blake told you that?”

His expression told her she was right.

“Okay, well, you know what? That’s because Cam has been coming on to me since day one.” She held up a finger.

“Oh, shut up, that’s not true.”

“I don’t care if you believe me. It’s just the explanation. If you want to feel like your best friend and I have been lying to you, then fine. Makes no difference to me.”

And she went back inside. Max never followed. She marched up to Dana. She wanted to be around someone she knew liked her.

An hour later, Becca was buckled over with her hand on her knees. She could see her breath in the air. “That was so … funny!”

Dana was laughing, too. “Not that funny, just.” She fell into giggles.

They walked down to the dock. “If you fall,” said Becca, “I’m going to freak out. I can’t swim, and so I can’t save you.”

Dana waved her hand. “I’ll be fine.” But then she stumbled, almost doing exactly what they were afraid of. Becca caught her by the shoulder.

“Oh, my God, see? You almost died!”

They got to the end, still laughing, and sat to dangle their feet over the edge.

“I’m … so drunk.” Dana took a swig of Coke.

“I’m not drunk enough,” Becca responded with a sip of her bottle, which was filled with rum. “I can tell because I’m cold.”

They laughed, and then fell silent.

“So,” said Becca, “tell me a secret.” She loved saying this to people. They almost always had something to tell her.

Dana squinted out into the darkness, her face lit only by the safety lights at the end of the dock. She sighed and closed her eyes. “I’m in love with Johnny Parker.”

Becca froze, her smile falling, and then took a burning gulp of the rum. “Really.”

Dana nodded, swaying a little in her drunken dizziness. “He’s … strong and … I don’t know, I guess I feel safe around him.” She laughed and looked down at her knees. “It’s probably stupid.”

“N-no, it’s not.” It wasn’t stupid at all. Becca had thought the same thing.

“I haven’t really ever … liked a guy like I like him. I’ve … It’s been since I got here. Ninth grade. That’s when I first had a crush on him.” She looked to Becca. “And you know, I don’t think I ever would have really talked to him if it wasn’t for you. You kept throwing us together. It wasn’t on purpose?”

“No.”

She nodded. “I thought it was just psychic of—” she hiccupped “—of you.”

“Nope. Luck.”

“I couldn’t even believe he knew my name or anything. But he did.” She shook her head, and furrowed her brows at a spot off in the distance. “Can I trust you, Becca?”

She’d been asked that before. She couldn’t say for sure that she was trustworthy. She’d only ever been out for herself. Even when that messed up everything.

But she wanted to be better than that. She had to be. If she wasn’t, if she didn’t try to change in some way, then what was the point in running away and coming here at all?

Woo, thought Becca, this rum is working now.

“Of course you can trust me.”

Dana took a few deep breaths and then took the bottle from Becca’s hands. She took another swig and then said, “I’ve never told anyone this.”

“Okay.”

“I … When I was in eighth grade, something happened. It’s why—it’s why I’m here at all. I didn’t tell my parents the extent of it. Just said I didn’t want to be in my town anymore. They’d always wanted me to come here anyway, so they didn’t have a problem with it.” She took another deep breath. “I was actually very popular back at home. I was the girl with the squad of girlfriends and boys being all about me. Yeah, we were all like thirteen, but whatever. I was voted Most Likely to be Prom Queen.”

Becca listened intently. “Wow, that’s.”

“Yeah, so … I was popular or whatever. I was happy.”

“I’m trying to figure out how this has a bad ending.” Becca laughed, even though she knew it was headed somewhere not funny at all.

“I was at my friend Hannah’s for a sleepover one night. She was asleep. We’d hung out with her parents and their family friend, Tom, who was like … I don’t know, late twenties maybe. It was one of the first times I ever got drunk.” She held up the bottle. “And I had a little too much. Everyone was drinking, and everyone was having fun before bed. It was a good night. I got pretty dizzy and then fell asleep. Um. When I woke up, I was in the guest bedroom, which was barely lit, and Tom was on … top of me. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening, but … then I realized I was naked. I tried to push him off, but he wouldn’t stop. Then he put it in, or whatever. And it was … I don’t know that anything has ever hurt so badly.”

Becca’s heart was pounding. She was in shock.

Dana continued. “Finally he was done, and all I could do was go back into Hannah’s room and try to sleep. I woke up the next morning and he was in bed with us, with his hand on my leg.” She shook her head and chewed the inside of her lip. “The insult on top of injury was that Hannah had been all casual like, ‘Did you guys hook up?’“

“Jesus.”

“Yeah. So then she told everyone I’d had sex with this older guy, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone the truth. I felt embarrassed or something. Which is so stupid, because it wasn’t my fault. But I just couldn’t. And then time passed and there wouldn’t be any way to prove it anyway. So I just gave up.”

Becca’s breath was caught in her throat.

“I’m so sorry.” It came out as a whisper.

Becca didn’t even know if it was just Dana she was talking to. She was imagining that girl … the small girl with red hair. Lulu. Becca couldn’t even pretend to herself that she didn’t remember her name. It had been her fault.

It was Becca’s first year at McDaniel High School—tenth grade. Her middle school had been seventh through ninth grades. And for her, her tenth-grade year was the year she became pretty. For the longest time, it seemed to her then, she had been too skinny with big hands and feet. She’d been pale and had straight light hair. Her skin had been clean, but her braces had made that irrelevant. Her chest had been as flat as her butt and her stomach. But now she had a clean slate, where she only knew some of the people around her, and she was completely different. Her mom finally let her get contacts. Her braces came off. Her boobs started to grow in—enough to wear a padded bra, anyway. She was suddenly tall, thin, blonde and pretty.

She was suddenly Becca Normandy. Not Rebecca, anymore. Becca.

It was right after the Homecoming football game, which was a week before the Homecoming dance. She didn’t have a date, but she’d certainly become more popular lately. She’d gotten her friend, Lulu, to come along to the game, even though she didn’t want to.

“Oh, come on,” Becca had said, “it’ll be fun! I bet you’ll even get a date! What if we both do?”

So Lulu had come. By the end of the game, they’d been chatted up by some of the Most Sought After senior boys. They invited the two girls to a party at the quarterback’s house. Everyone knew Jake Lanter hadn’t found his date yet. He’d just dumped his cheerleader girlfriend.

Becca begged Lulu to go with her. “Please! They invited us both, there’s no way this isn’t, like, our beginning of popularity.”

Lulu finally gave in, reluctantly lying to her mother and saying she was staying at Becca’s for the night. Becca called her mother and told her she’d be at Lulu’s. Classic.

It was almost two in the morning, and Becca was on her fifth Smirnoff Ice. It was enough to make her loopy—she’d never had anything much before. Just sips of her parents’ merlot when they weren’t looking. And that had been just … awful. Nothing like these bottles full of sugar.

Jake, the god of Hotness, Popularity and the ticket to Becca’s happiness, walked over to her. He was probably about five inches taller than her, and very intimidating. He smiled, his eyes narrowed.

“You’re so hot,” he said, then biting his lip. “How come I’ve never heard of you?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

She knew why, of course. It was because she hadn’t been “so hot” until recently. The braces coming off had really tipped her into the attractive zone.

“You know, my friend Eric has a crush on your friend Lulu.”

She looked at the guy he indicated. He was talking to a nervous-looking Lulu. She couldn’t help but think smugly that Jake was hotter.

“Does he really?” she asked. “She probably likes him, too.”

Lulu would have killed her for saying it. But Becca had said it before she could stop herself.

He looked over at the pair. “Thing is, she looks a little nervous. Don’t you think she looks nervous?”

She nodded. “She probably is.” She hoped she didn’t sound nervous.

“So here’s what we’re gonna do. Slip this into her drink.” He handed her a small Ziploc bag with a tiny bit of white powder in it.

She shook her head, but he smiled.

“Baby,” he said, putting his hand on her cheek. “It’s nothing bad, come on. You can trust me. Hey, I mean, I’d offer you some, but you don’t look nervous at all. You’re cool. You probably know just what to do. Don’t you?”

Jake kissed her on the neck and pulled her close. Her heart pounded, not only with the thrill of being pursued by the quarterback, but with the unhappy thought that she didn’t know just what to do.

“I can’t … she’s my friend, I don’t want to give her anything without telling—”

He rolled his eyes, and she cowered under his growing agitation. He looked at her. “Okay, listen. It’s called Delastor. It’s just gonna stop her from thinking too much. Does your friend worry a lot?”

Yes. That was Lulu. It had only been with Becca’s begging that they ended up here at all. And look at them—two football players were talking to them. It was a good thing Becca had done the thinking for Lulu. Maybe this was just one more time she needed that.

“I’ll do it.”

“Good,” said Jake. “Do that, and then find me. We’ll have fun.”

She nodded and smiled. “Okay.”

He walked away, and she grabbed another Smirnoff Ice. Watermelon—that was Lulu’s favorite flavor. She had pajamas with watermelons all over them.

With shaking hands, Becca poured in the white powder. It was just going to make her relax. That was all it’d do. What’s the worst that could happen? She fell asleep?

To Becca, who was fourteen and had seen little of the world, this seemed completely reasonable.

She handed the drink to Lulu. “Here,” she said, giving a small smile to Eric. “Drink this. We should cheers to … our first Homecoming game.”

Lulu didn’t argue. She didn’t have any reason to mistrust Becca. She drank hers and waited for Lulu to finish—Becca got a small flip in her stomach when she imagined telling Jake that not only had she done it, but she’d made sure Lulu drank the whole thing.

When she told him, he smiled and pulled her outside and onto the trampoline. Almost everyone was asleep or hooking up. After some preamble that Becca had now blocked out, she and Jake were making out hard core. She wanted to enjoy it. She did enjoy the fact that it was Jake doing it. But he was rough, and never gentle. His tongue stabbed into her mouth harshly and without consideration of what she was doing. He pulled her hair a little too hard, but she was too afraid to say anything.

It was only with the strength she had in the core of herself that she was able to tell him that she wouldn’t have sex with him. He did exactly what she’d feared when he tossed her aside muttering that she wasn’t worth all that.

She sat there for a little while, feeling sorry for herself and hoping he’d come apologize. She tried hard not to cry from the embarrassment, and failed. Finally she wiped off her tears, and went inside to find Lulu. She’d pay for a damn cab. All she wanted was to go home and watch something with a happy ending. She remembered that her dad had just bought her Thin Mints.

She pulled open the sliding door. She walked past a couple grinding on the sofa, illuminated by the blue light of the TV screen. She opened a bedroom door and found people smoking weed. She opened another and found a bunch of sleeping bodies—none of them Lulu’s. She went upstairs and hesitated. The only room up there had noise coming from it. Banging. She didn’t want to open the door. But after looking everywhere else in the house, she knew Lulu was either gone or in that room. She opened the door and saw Lulu’s naked, limp body. Her red-haired head was repeatedly hitting the headboard as Eric, the narrow-hipped boy with pimples on his back, thrust against her again and again.

The bag of white powder came into her mind.

“Eric! Eric, stop! What are you doing?”

He ignored her, and kept moving. She watched the scene with horror, even stepping forward and trying to pull on his arm. He shook her off and kept going. She said Lulu’s name, but she only responded with the slightest opening of her eyes.

Becca didn’t know what to do. Wait? Leave? No, those were wrong and unthinkable. Call the police? No. She was drunk. Everyone was. Everyone would hate her. She couldn’t be the girl who got everyone in trouble.

And what about … what about the fact that she’d been the one to give the drug? Whatever it had been—she’d heard of the date rape drug—had that been it? But Jake had said some weird name … she’d never heard it before.

“What are you standing there for, sweetie? You wanna join? I’d rather fuck you than her anyway.”

Eric’s words stung. Not only was he raping—God, was that what she was watching?—her friend Lulu, but he was insulting her.

Becca shrank onto the floor and covered her eyes. She tried to block out the sounds—the quiet, sinister sounds—and waited for the last pound and the groan from Eric. She heard him get off the squeaking mattress, exhale loudly and pull his pants on. She heard the jingle of his belt buckle, and then he walked past her and shut the door.

Then there was silence in the room.

She carried Lulu out to the curb, which took all of her strength—even with how light Lulu was—where they waited for a very expensive cab. She found the spare key under a flowerpot on Lulu’s front step, and took her up to her room. By that point, Lulu was awake enough to walk some. When Becca left Lulu’s room, Lulu was whimpering softly. She was in pain.

Becca walked the next mile to her own bed, where she lay awake for the rest of the night.

The truth came out. Eric got in trouble. Everyone but Lulu insisted that they’d seen Becca slip something in her drink. She got away unscathed by the law, but she was a social outcast. And she knew she deserved it.

“Becca?” Dana put a hand on her shoulder.

Becca looked into her narrow, dark eyes, and shuddered. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

She could tell Dana didn’t quite want to say it was okay, but wanted to seem undramatic.

“Come on,” said Becca, standing up. “Let’s go up to our room. I’ve got a movie with a happy ending we can watch on my computer.”

chapter 21 me

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT THE SECOND I stepped off the bus at Manderley. Everyone was talking very importantly to each other, and I was getting a lot of looks. More than ever. At the end of a break it makes sense for there to be an excited, catching-up buzz about the school.

This wasn’t that.

It got weirder when I walked through the doors and saw a line that ended in Dana, Madison and Julia sitting at a table. Madison had a cash box, Julia was taking money, and Dana was handing out T-shirts. They were pink with black writing and had a picture on them I couldn’t make out from where I was standing.

I dropped my phone off at the office and walked over to the line. All of them watched me as I approached.

“I’m not butting or anything,” I explained, a bit uselessly, to some of the waiting students as I walked past.

I looked at one of the shirts Dana handed to a girl. The picture was of Becca, I could see now, and I read the words.

FIND BECCA

Dana had boxes of the shirts behind her. “Do you want one?”

It took me a moment to realize she was talking to me.

“You can even have one for free,” she offered, not sounding generous at all.

I shook my head and looked around to see that I was being swallowed by a sea of pink. Everyone around me was either wearing or holding a pink shirt. I walked quickly from the table and toward the stairs. I stopped when I saw Max. He was holding a shirt and looking a little dazed.

“Max.”

He tried to smile, but barely pulled it off. His jaw was clenched tightly again. “Come here.”

He pulled me in for a hug. I didn’t stop him, even in light of how uncertain everything was with him. He put his cheek to my hair and didn’t let go for a few seconds.

“What’s going on?” I asked. I never wanted to let go of him, but something had clearly happened.

“You didn’t hear, then?”

I shook my head. My heart was beating fast. “No, hear what? What’s happening?”

He hesitated. “They think … Becca’s alive.” He looked hopeful and regretful all at once.

“Why? Who thinks so?”

“Her Facebook … she had a status update, and it said she was alive. And … it was right after there was a sighting of someone who looked like her.”

“What?” I was breathless suddenly. Everything was going to change. Would they kick me out? Would she come back? “Where? What did it say?”

“They saw her here in town somewhere. The status just confirmed that it was her … I don’t know.”

Blake and Cam approached us a moment later, neither of them holding pink shirts.

“Can you believe this?” Blake asked, looking only at Max.

“No.”

“I don’t even know what to think. I guess we’ll hear more at the assembly. They’re holding it tonight instead of tomorrow.” She looked at me. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” My voice was much higher than usual. “What time’s the assembly?”

“Eight-thirty. Come in uniform.” Cam winked at me, apparently remembering my first assembly.

I smiled weakly. “I should go get situated. That’s only an hour from now.”

I needed to breathe, and to stop feeling that a seventeen-year-old missing girl being alive and well was a bad thing.

“Okay,” Max said, “meet me outside of the auditorium at eight twenty-five.”

I hated myself for getting excited by his willingness to meet me in public and that he wasn’t ignoring me. Maybe I was being Dumb Girl. But I couldn’t care.

Max paused and looked at me, like we’d never see each other again.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just … Never mind, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

As soon as I walked away, I heard Blake start talking quickly and quietly to the other two.

I arrived at my room only to find that the few pictures I’d pinned to my bulletin board last semester had been taken down and put on my bed. So had the thumbtacks. All but the four tacks that held up an eleven-by-seventeen poster pinned in their place. It was a poster printed with the same picture and bold words as were on the T-shirt I still clutched absent-mindedly. I threw it on the floor and took down the poster.

I gathered the thumbtacks Dana had intentionally scattered evenly all over my comforter and put them back up with the pictures. Including some of the new ones from the break. My mom had pulled into the driveway just before I left with my dad and Jasper, yelling for us to wait, and then handed me an envelope of pictures she’d just gotten printed for me.

I pinned up some of those, mostly the ones from New Year’s Eve—before it had gone sour—and tried to stop my throat from tightening with the desire to jump right back on a plane. I’d made the decision to come back. I had no choice.

I unpacked my bag, my heart still pounding. I felt guilty for every selfish thought that crossed through my mind as I imagined what it would mean for me if Becca came back. It was good that she might not be dead. Good.

I jumped when a little while later there was a knock on the door. I was expecting Becca at every turn now.

“Come in.”

Madison and Julia floated in, both wearing expressions of great sympathy.

“This must be hard for you.” Madison sat down on Dana’s bed, moving the poster carefully out of the way.

“Why do you think that?”

Julia looked to Madison and then to me. “Becca coming back? You like Max … right?”

“No.”

“Sweetie, I’m sorry but …” Madison ignored me, and laid a hand on her chest, over her heart. “I’m your friend. We are your friends. But we know Max. We know Becca. And … we just don’t want you to have your heart broken by surprise when Max goes back to her.”

“And chances are …” Julia trailed off.

“Maybe he won’t.” I tried to sound more confident than I felt. “And we’re not even, like, together, so if he wants to be with someone that’s not … I mean he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.”

She shrugged. “Look, we’re just trying to look out for you. If you don’t want our help then just say so.”

I didn’t know what to say. But I figured the only way to get them to stop feeling sorry for me was to agree.

I nodded. “You’re probably right. I’ll try not to get too close.”

“Good. Because he really loves her,” Madison said, smiling sadly at me.

Okay, got it.

“You guys going down to the assembly now? It’s soon, isn’t it? I’m meeting Max—” I paused as Julia raised her eyebrows. “I’m meeting Max out front of the auditorium.”

“We’ll walk down with you, sure! Don’t forget your uniform.” Madison couldn’t quite pull it off like Cam without sounding a little mean.

I grabbed my Manderley polo and khaki skirt from the closet, and they stepped outside. To talk about me, I was sure, rather than out of some sense of my privacy.

I was out in a few seconds, and we walked down the stairs silently. I felt relieved when I saw Max.

He nodded a hello to the other girls, and then looked to me. I stepped toward him. He shook his head slightly, looking around, and held open the door for us instead of taking it. I was sure Madison and Julia were exchanging yet another look behind my back.