Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence
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HarperElement
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London SE1 9GF
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and HarperElement are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
First published in the UK by HarperElement 2006
© Leil Lowndes 2005
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Leil Lowndes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN 9780007199785
Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2015 ISBN: 9780008138400
Version: 2015-11-04
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contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Preface
Section I: A Word to the Shy …
Don’t Be an Avoidance Junkie
SHYBUSTER 1 Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff
Don’t Expect a Miracle (Today at Least!)
Welcome
SHYBUSTER 2 Eat the Peaches at Your Own Pace
The Confidence Warm-up
SHYBUSTER 3 Wake Up Like a Whacko
Section II: Why Am I Shy?
Take the ‘Cot Test’ to See if You Were Born Shy
SHYBUSTER 4 Ask Them if You Freaked Out
Did I ‘Catch’ a Dose of Shyness?
SHYBUSTER 5 Rummage Through Your Relatives
SHYBUSTER 6 Did Shyness Rub Off On You?
Was it Bullies in Bygone Days?
SHYBUSTER 7 Replay the Early Show
It Was All Mum and Dad’s Fault
SHYBUSTER 8 Don’t Baby Your Baby
So Who Ya Gonna Blame?
Section III: Dealing with People Until Your Shyness Is Gone
Should I Tell People I’m Shy?
SHYBUSTER 9 Why Tell Strangers?
Labels Are Lethal
SHYBUSTER 10 Don’t Burn Yourself with the ‘Shy’ Branding Iron
Tell the Truth, the Half-truth, and Nothing But the Half-truth
SHYBUSTER 11 I’m Shy, So What?
Section IV: What People Really Think of You
Can People Tell I’m Shy?
SHYBUSTER 12 Be Shy on the Sly
Take Off Your Mud-coloured Spectacles
SHYBUSTER 13 Pitch the Paranoia
Don’t Be a Sucker for Rejection
SHYBUSTER 14 Don’t Choose Toxic Friends
Come Back Down Off the Ceiling
SHYBUSTER 15 Stamp Out the Surreal
Think of Your Shyness from Their Perspective
SHYBUSTER 16 Don’t Let Stupid Sures Make You Shy
Slay the Monster Memories
SHYBUSTER 17 Be Your Own Social Scribe
I Think I’m Beginning to Love You, Self
SHYBUSTER 18 Find Your Passion and Your Purpose
Section V: Getting Out of the Kitchen
A Shy’s Most Important 10 Seconds
SHYBUSTER 19 Click on ‘Animate’ for 10 Seconds
Who’s the Boss? Your Mind or Body?
SHYBUSTER 20 Let Your Body Be the Boss
How to Make Eye-contact Easy
SHYBUSTER 21 Infant Eyes
SHYBUSTER 22 Octogenarian Eyes
SHYBUSTER 23 Eager Eyes
SHYBUSTER 24 Say ‘I Like You’ Silently
A Quick Smile and a Slow Jet Get You Nowhere Fast
SHYBUSTER 25 Make Faces at Yourself
For the Want of a Smile
SHYBUSTER 26 A Lifetime of Happiness Was Lost
Snobs Don’t Smile Either
SHYBUSTER 27 Don’t Let Them Feel Snubbed
If at First You Don’t Succeed, Swear!
SHYBUSTER 28 Your First Failure Is Success
Battling Blushing, Sweating and Clammy Hands
SHYBUSTER 29 Laugh It Off Before It Happens
Section VI: Absolutely No-Pain, Lots-of-Gain Techniques
The Power and Pleasure of Anonymity
The Out-of-town Caper
SHYBUSTER 30 Be Anonymous for a Day
SHYBUSTER 31 Be an Undercover Shy
Dress as Your Fantasy Person
SHYBUSTER 32 Kick Out the Dull Kit
Fries with That?
SHYBUSTER 33 Be a Part-time Job-hopper
Section VII: Get a (New) Life
Something to Consider
SHYBUSTER 34 Time to Jump Ship?
The Shy’s Sneaky Way to Get a Super Job
SHYBUSTER 35 Interview with Companies You Don’t Want to Work For
Section VIII: Parties and Other Places in Hell
Building Up to Bashes
SHYBUSTER 36 Prescription: One Small Dose of Party
Going to a Party Is Not ‘Going to a Party’
SHYBUSTER 37 Have a Buddy Monitor You
SHYBUSTER 38 Showing Up Is Not Enough
Preparing for a Party
SHYBUSTER 39 Ponder Before the Party
SHYBUSTER 40 Get Opinionated!
Getting Legless Is Not the Answer
SHYBUSTER 41 Drink and Drugs Make Shyness Worse
How to Get Off the Hook (Half the Time)
SHYBUSTER 42 Toss a Coin
The Danger of Being a ‘Denying Shy’
SHYBUSTER 43 Bring a Note from Your Subconscious
Section IX: Fearless Conversation
Terrified of Being Trite?
SHYBUSTER 44 Be Banal, But Not Brief
SHYBUSTER 45 Sound Dazzled Over the Dullest Things
SHYBUSTER 46 Use Their Moniker in Moderation
What Do I Say Next?
SHYBUSTER 47 Ask ‘Go On’ Questions
The Proven Eye-contact Cure
SHYBUSTER 48 The Eyeball Lock
SHYBUSTER 49 Looking Longer Looks Smart
SHYBUSTER 50 Lingering Looks Kindle ‘Chemistry’
Chameleons Should Choose Their Colours Carefully
SHYBUSTER 51 A Little Shove from a Non-Shy Friend
Become an Expert – on Anything!
SHYBUSTER 52 Find Others Who Share Your Passion
How to Answer the Inevitable Question
SHYBUSTER 53 Rehearse Your Mini-CV
Nobody Expects You to Perform
SHYBUSTER 54 Look, Nod, Smile
Passion Slays Shyness
SHYBUSTER 55 Stamp Out Shyness with Your Particular Passion
Section X: Sure-fire Extinguishers for Shyness
A Dare a Day Drives Shyness Away
SHYBUSTER 56 Do Your Daily Dare
Make Shopping a Valuable Part of SOS
SHYBUSTER 57 Inspect Six, Buy One
A Little Help from Man’s Best Friend
SHYBUSTER 58 Attention-getter on a Leash
Social Blooper Remedy
SHYBUSTER 59 Make a Mental Movie of Your Cool Moves
SHYBUSTER 60 What the Manners Mavens Say
Take a Bite Out of Shyness for Lunch
SHYBUSTER 61 Eat Your Shyness
Download Confidence into Your Eardrums
SHYBUSTER 62 Listen to the Voices in Your Head
Section XI: Sex and the Single Shy
There Are No Love ‘Guarantees’
A Dangerous Dating Game for Shys
SHYBUSTER 63 Computer Dating Is a Sure’s Game
Oversexed or Underconfident?
SHYBUSTER 64 Don’t Get Caught in the Sex/Love Trap
Being Shy and Gay Is Lonely
Relationship Rehearsals
The Lovin’ Is Easy. It’s Getting There That’s Hard
Shall I Put on a Big Act?
SHYBUSTER 65 Act Your Way to Confidence
Section XII: Shy No More
Graduation Day
SHYBUSTER 66 Give Yourself a Graduation Party
Keep Reading
Notes
More Self-knowledge Questions
References
Acknowledgements
Other Books By
About the Publisher
“ I used to be very shy. I couldn’t look people in the face and became red. I was embarrassed and used to sweat in front of others. Due to low self-esteem and ‘slow’ self-image, I used to feel inferior to others. But then one day I began to question things. I realized that nobody is better than me. Who told me I’m no good? I realized that the people who make me feel that way are not in that credible or successful a position themselves. So why would I believe what these people say about me? They were not qualified to make such comments.”
TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA
preface
Think back to your grandparents’ times, when ‘on-line dating’ was a twinkle in some yet-unborn techie’s eyes, and the words ‘pick up’ meant ‘get your socks off the floor.’ If Grandma was always in the kitchen at parties, and Grandpa hid out in the bedroom memorizing guests’ coat labels, you wouldn’t be here.
Things haven’t changed much for those of us who are shy. Well-meaning friends and family still say, ‘C’mon, just force yourself to … go to the party/ask her for a date/talk to him/request a pay rise/join the conversation/speak up at the meeting …’
Don’t they know how hard it is? The anxiety? The wanting to be invisible? The fear you’ll say something stupid? The sparkling conversations in your head that you don’t have the courage to start? Yet you know you have a lot to offer, and if you could just make eye-contact, speak up and stop hiding out in the kitchen at parties, everything would be OK, and you could get on with your life.
When I was a kid, I had all the usual questions, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ ‘Did Eve have a belly button?’ ‘What was the best thing before sliced bread?’
But ‘Why am I shy?’ wasn’t one of them. I didn’t care why. I just wanted a quick cure. However, as a recovered shy, I now realize origins are important. They give you a realistic picture of yourself, what to expect, and how to go about it.
I’ve heard Shys speculate …
‘It must have been Mum and Dad’s fault.’
‘Nah, it was those nasty kids in the neighbourhood who called me names.’
‘I think it’s genetic.’
Actually it can be all of the above. You will discover there are several basic types of Shy. You are either a ‘Highly Sensitive Shy’ (HSS) who was born with a proclivity towards timidity, or a ‘Situational Shy’ whose parents and youthful experiences deeply affected you. You could be a little bit of both. Each must have different goals, and each can expect different, but remarkable, results.
The 1940s gave us a gift which saved millions of lives. It is called penicillin. Recent years have given us a gift which can save millions the agony of shyness, which is often called ‘Social Anxiety Disorder’. It is not a drug, but it is a formula. It derives from studies on shyness conducted by pioneering researchers in sociology, psychiatry, genetics, biology, physiology and pharmacology. It sounds complicated but I’ve distilled it down to 66 SHYBUSTERs to cure or curtail your shyness.
I know first-hand how excruciating it is. I used to stand on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible. Well into my working years, my face turned into a radish whenever I talked to strangers.
I wish I’d had this book then. I am gratified I can provide it for you now.
A few notes before you start: First, read sequentially through the book so you will understand the significance of each SHYBUSTER. Then, depending on which are most challenging for you personally, you choose the order – easiest to most difficult of course.
Each SHYBUSTER is substantiated by the findings of sociologists and both medical and mental health professionals. If you’d like more information you can go to the original sources, which are referenced in the back of the book. Shyness research is almost synonymous with the names Zimbardo, Carducci, Kagan and a few others. I am grateful to them, and you will find their names many times in the notes.
The stories come from my own stinging shyness and those of Shys I’ve known. Others come from attendees at my shyness seminars. At first I felt inviting people to a ‘Shyness Seminar’ would be like telling participants at a ‘Fear of Tigers’ seminar to meet at the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Happily, however, Shys did come and they shared their experiences openly.
I asked them to e-mail me their triumphs and tribulations so you can read them in their own words. You will also find excerpts from letters that readers of my other books and monthly E-Zine have sent me. At the end of the book there is a list of the first names of those who contributed. Some contributors requested anonymity – substitute names are marked with an asterisk.
If you take time to practise each SHYBUSTER, you’ll soar away from shyness like a butterfly flees its caterpillar prison. I know, because I went from a hermit-teen who was terrified of people to a self-assured woman who now lectures around the country, does media interviews and feels comfortable at any gathering. If these SHYBUSTERs worked for a girl who was shy around her own shadow, they will definitely work for you!
“ Shyness is a curse. Shyness makes me feel like I am an unwanted guest in everyone else’s world. Shyness is the worst personality trait of all, without a doubt. I would rather be obnoxious and boorish than shy. Obnoxious and boorish people don’t seem to be too bothered by being obnoxious and boorish at least.”
TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA
don’t be an avoidance junkie
Hooked on ‘Hide and Seek’
Have you ever dodged anyone just to avoid making smalltalk? All Shys have. If I saw an acquaintance coming towards me, I’d cross the street and pray he or she didn’t see me. If there were a shop nearby, I’d dart into it until the coast was clear.
Some people say they’ve had an epiphany at the top of a Himalayan mountain or in a temple in India. Mine was walking along the street. I was window-shopping one Saturday morning when I was a nursery school teacher in Washington DC.
At one point I spotted a fellow teacher strolling towards me. Since I found Mr Fuller quite attractive, the thought of chatting with him was terrifying. In a panic, I dashed into the doorway of the shop I was passing.
I thought I was safe until I heard his voice behind me, ‘Miss Lowndes, what are you doing here?’ I was trapped like a fly under a glass. I pivoted slowly to venture a weak ‘Hello’ and, as I was turning, I saw what kind of shop I’d taken refuge in. It was a triple-X-rated boutique of ‘adult toys’. When I finally mustered the courage to look at his face, Mr Fuller was sporting an enormous grin.
He winked at me and said, ‘Was there anything in particular you were looking for, Miss Lowndes?’ I bolted past him out the door, dashed down the street, and dove into a ‘respectable’ shop to sidestep him.
Needless to say, after that fiasco I never again made eye-contact with Mr Fuller. However, whenever we passed in the hall he’d say ‘Good morning, Miss Lowndes’ in a curiously salacious voice for a second-grade teacher.
Hearing his snide voice filled me with fury, not against Mr Fuller, but against my shyness. I declared war on it and was determined to win.
“ Whenever I avoided anyone on the street, it was a mental relief. I felt good because they didn’t see me. I said to myself, ‘OK, I won’t do it next time.’ But I always did.”
AMANDA – LONDON, ENGLAND
Getting ‘High’ on Avoidance
When ‘Socially Avoidant’ people evade someone, it is more insidious than just a mental relief. It’s not ‘just mental’, any more than taking heroin is just mental. It’s physiological. You are actually getting a ‘high’ from the physical feeling, and it’s harder to resist the next time.
For individuals with Socially Avoidant Personality, anxiety subsides following an avoidant response, thus reinforcing and escalating the avoidant response.1
SHYBUSTER 1:
Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff
Avoiding situations is an addictive drug. Right after, you get a mental high: Whew, I escaped that one! But it makes it all the harder because you crave that relief again and again. You dig a deeper rabbit hole that’s harder to scurry out of each time. And, like an addict, you start to hate yourself for being so weak.
Start rehab now! Go cold turkey on dodging small encounters.
“ Walking in the street and seeing someone approach from the front can be another terrifying experience. What helps is simply to greet the person in passing – a simple smile, nod of the head and a ‘Hi’ does wonders to break the awkwardness, and even builds a little confidence (‘Wow, I said “Hi” and nothing bad happened, and he/she actually smiled back!’).”
KOOS Z. – PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA
don’t expect a miracle (today at least!)
TV Show: ‘Fearful People Are Freaks’
Once while channel-surfing I got caught up in an ugly wave. I fell into one of those television talk shows, or rather circuses, where people who suffer from an assortment of afflictions are on display. This particular programme prefers people plagued with mental and/or physical disorders. The heartless host feigns compassion. He has an insatiable appetite for bizarre family relationships, strange sexual tastes and other eccentric infirmities. While tearful guests bare their souls to millions of viewers, the studio audience hoots and hollers, egging them on to even more humiliation.
‘Ralph is afraid of peaches,’ the host gleefully announces.
‘Ooh,’ the audience chants.
‘He can’t come near them.’
‘Ooh,’ the audience chants louder. Then, a basket of peaches appears on a big screen behind Ralph. The host points up at it. Ralph turns, swears (bleeped out), screams and jumps up. His 270 pounds of sheer terror races down the studio hall, followed, of course, by the camera crew.
Hysterical laughter from the audience.
Ralph, covered by three cameras, cowers in the corner backstage. At the host’s goading, the audience begins chanting, ‘Ralph come back. Ralph come back.’ Ralph, still shaking, staggers back on the set.
The crowd applauds.
While winking at the audience the host asks Ralph, ‘Why don’t you like peaches?’
‘They’re fuzzy, they’re slimy.’ Then almost inaudibly, he mutters something about a girlfriend who had peach shampoo.
At that moment, two voluptuous women bring in two big baskets of peaches.
The audience’s gleeful crescendo is ‘Uh oh, he’s in big trouble now.’ At the sight of the peaches, the spectators are treated to a repeat performance from Ralph. This time he runs through the audience. They tackle him and succeed in pulling his pants down, which only adds to the ridiculousness of the spectacle. The camera catches the rear view of Ralph crawling away from the taunting audience, on all fours, his trousers around his knees.
Ralph once again crouches in the foetal position in a corner of the studio wings. The host follows and sneers, ‘Do you know what you are now? A 6-foot tall, 270-pound man cowering in the corner?’
Mercifully for me, just then my phone rang.
Phobia Coach Cures Acrophobia to Zoophobia. Success Guaranteed. Walk-ins Welcome
When I came back 15 minutes later, Ralph was happily holding a ripe peach in his hands. With a big smile he brought it to his lips.
The camera cuts to a self-described ‘phobia life coach’ and ‘therapist’ sitting paternally beside Ralph. He explains to a gullible audience that he cured Ralph by gradual exposure and he will never fear peaches again.