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That probably sounds harsh so I shall do my best to explain. When you were born, I hated you – absolutely loathed the sight, sound and smell of you (particularly the smell). I know that’s normal for siblings and I was only four at the time so don’t feel the need to apologise. You were very annoying and turned my world upside down. I had gone from being, ‘Honey Bea’, the apple of everyone’s eye to, ‘Busy Lizzie’s’ sister and I was not impressed.
I remember one particular day when I had set up my dolls ready for a tea party. I’d written tiny invitations and laid out my dinky porcelain tea set with its pink polka dot design and matching satin napkins. You know me – I like everything just-so. It looked perfect until you bowled in, all chubby legs and cute dimples and upset the whole thing onto the floor. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry before or since, particularly as you were oblivious to the carnage around you. When Mum came in, all she was most worried about was the mess (you know what she’s like) and she didn’t even tell you off. I know you were a baby but I felt as if a great injustice had been done that day and I hated you with every fibre of my being.
It was also the day that Uncle Lawrence came to visit and I was very excited. Do you remember when he did his Donald Duck impressions? We loved him, although I know Mum was always irritated by the way he drifted in and out of our lives. Anyway, I loathed having to share him with you and I got into trouble because I tried to push in front of you when he came to the door. I got smacked for that and so by lunchtime, you were enemy number one.
After lunch, Mum took you upstairs for a change and I was going to have some precious time on my own with Uncle Lawrence. I went to fetch a book so that I could read to him and as I looked up from the hall, I could see you standing at the top of the stairs. I also noticed that Mum had left the stair-gate open. In that split second I could have cried out to warn you but something inside – my anger at having to share the world with you – prevented me I guess. I walked away. I found my book just as I heard the sound of you falling down the stairs. It was a strange sound, almost rhythmical and oddly unalarming. I can remember it so clearly, even now. The drama started when Mum screamed at the sight of you lying at the bottom of the stairs. I walked out of the playroom ready with my innocent face but as soon as I noticed that you weren’t moving, I felt sick. I hadn’t realised what might happen if you fell. I think I’d been watching too many Tom and Jerry cartoons, so I thought you’d bounce. I still remember it as one of the most frightening moments of my life and I can picture Uncle Lawrence and Mum standing over your motionless body, frozen with fear for a split second before they called an ambulance. As for me, it wasn’t so much the thought that I’d killed you (I thought I had) but more that at that second, seeing your tiny body lying still, I knew I had to take care of you until the day I died. I remember kneeling down next to you and vowing. ‘It’s okay, Lizzie. Bea is here. She will look after you forever.’
That’s what I tried to do throughout my life but my biggest regret is that I know you’re not happy, Lizzie, and I want, more than anything, for you to be as happy as I have been. And so, my dying wish is to try and show you how to be happy. You will find twelve letters in the envelope with this one. These contain the things I probably should have told you to do when I was alive but never quite had the courage. Yes, I know that sounds strange coming from me, fearless Bea. In truth Lizzie, I’m as scared as everyone else. I just chose not to show it but I really believe that I’m doing the right thing in leaving you these letters. I think it’s time to be honest and for you to face a past that has been locked away for too long.
But, and this is an important but, I don’t want you ripping them all open like presents on Christmas morning. You won’t be surprised to know that as soon as I knew I was dying, I decided to put all my affairs in order. Once I knew there was no hope, I didn’t see any point in hanging around upsetting everyone. I’ve put a month on each letter so that you can read them once a month for the next year. Everything I’m asking should be possible in that time. I like to think of them as my final wishes, my final wishes for you, lovely Lizzie.
You should know that it’s not going to be easy but I think it’s important for both of us. So this is your older sister bossing you from beyond the grave. Do as I ask or I will come and haunt you (and not in a good way – I’ll make sure I’m carrying my head under my arm or something).
There you have it, my darling sister. Do these things for me and I think you’ll find the real Lizzie Harris and learn to love her as I do.
All my love,
Bea xxx
Lizzie read the letter again and again, hearing her sister’s voice in her head and the painful truth in her words. She realised that she had finished her wine and, pouring herself another glass, made her way over to the sofa. She sat down and clutched the letter to her chest as great heaving sobs washed over her. ‘I miss you, Bea,’ she whispered. ‘I miss you so much.’
It was at this point that the enormity of her situation hit Lizzie. She had thought that the parcel would offer some sort of comfort, that it would be like having her sister back, but she saw now how naive she had been. Bea was gone. Her letters remained but that was all. Lizzie had to face her future alone and she wasn’t sure if she had the strength. She lay down on the sofa and closed her eyes. She felt so very tired.
It was dark when she woke a few hours later, roused by late-night revellers shouting in the street. She rolled to a seated position and rubbed her eyes before standing and moving towards the window. The letter, which she had been holding as she fell asleep, slipped to the floor and Lizzie snatched it up as she remembered its contents. She walked to the window and, clutching it to her chest, let out a deep sigh. On the one hand she felt that the letters might offer her guidance and comfort, as if Bea were still there helping her, showing her the way. On the other hand, she dreaded where they might lead her. She scanned the words again: ‘… it’s time to be honest and for you to face a past that has been locked away for too long.’ The mere mention of the past sent a chill through her. Surely the past was best left where it was? Lizzie was fine. Fine was good. Fine could last a lifetime. Then she thought about her sister’s other concern: ‘…my biggest regret is that I know you’re not happy, Lizzie.’ Lizzie thought about this. Was she happy? Was she truly happy? She brushed away the tears as she thought about the answer. She was lonely, she knew that, and now that Bea was gone, she was alone.
Closing the window Lizzie pulled the curtains before making her way over to the kitchen counter. She sifted through the pile of envelopes and found the first one. She carried it with her to the bedroom and placed it on her bedside table, ready for the morning. For the love of her sister and for the sake of herself, she would do her best to fulfil Bea’s wishes.
Chapter Three
The Next Day
Lizzie slept fitfully that night. She had a troubling dream, in which she could hear Bea calling, but for some reason she couldn’t reach her. It was dark and foggy and she was alone on a heath. She could barely see her hand in front of her face but she kept walking towards Bea’s voice.
‘Lizzie? Can you hear me? Lizzie?’
Bea didn’t sound panicked or in distress but try as Lizzie might, she couldn’t find her sister. She woke at around six feeling clammy and exhausted. Sitting up in bed, her mind already buzzing with purpose, she took a sip of water and picked up the envelope. Turning it over she smiled at the tiny ‘SWALK (a big sloppy one)’ that Bea had inscribed on the back. Inside was another letter, shorter than the last.
Dear Lizzie Lou,
I’m guessing that as you’re reading this you’ve decided to carry out my wishes and I’m glad. I want you to think of me holding your hand every step of the way with these letters. I know you trust me and I hope you know that I want what’s best for you.
My first wish is a selfish one. As you know, I’ve always faced life full on but it’s different when you’re facing death. Sometimes I feel oddly calm about it. We’re all going to die anyway. I’m just going a bit sooner than I planned. At other times I experience blind panic and heartbreak at all the things I’m going to miss. The thought that you might get married and have children that I’ll never see; the idea of dear, brave Joe having to carry on alone, and most of all the fact that my beautiful, wonderful, funny boy Sam will grow up without me. I know that he will grow into a fine young man and it feels as if my heart is breaking into a million pieces as I realise that I won’t be there to see it. I know you understand love and loss, Lizzie, but this feels like the ultimate cruelty of life. Sometimes I wonder what the point is of loving so much when it will just be ripped away from you.
So really these letters are also a way of helping me through the panic; a way of reassuring myself that someone will make sure that the people I love most are cared for now that I’m gone.
Therefore my first wish is for you to spend a day with Sam and Joe. Just one day to start with. I want you to get to know them both properly. I know you met Joe when we were first together and I know my moving in with him caused you to run away again but I think you could be friends. He is a kind, sweet man and a wonderful Dad. As for my Sammy; he is my proudest achievement. Yeah, yeah, all Mums say that right? But I think as we go on this journey together you will realise how true that is.
I know this is a big ask, Lizzie, and I can imagine the dread you’re feeling as you read these words. You’ve endured more hurt than most people feel in a lifetime and I know you feel let down by so many people who should have been there for you but Sam and Joe were never really part of that time. I think you will grow to love each other as much I love you all.
Time to stop writing as I’m blubbing like a big girl now. Dying is so tediously full of tearful moments when really you should be concentrating on living while you still have time. Remember that.
Love you,
Bea x
Lizzie brushed away her own tears and put the letter down on the bedspread. She rubbed her eyes and considered what her sister was asking her. It sounded like the easiest thing in the world in lots of ways. Just one day with Joe and Sam; how difficult could that be?
It was true about Joe. In the early days when he and Bea had got together, her eighteen-year-old self had felt jealous and squeezed out. When Joe and Bea had moved into their first flat, Bea had offered her a place to stay but it soon became clear that it wouldn’t work. She could remember nights sleeping on the sofa-bed, stuffing a pillow over her head to blot out the sound of the love-birds having noisy sex. She had left a month later having found a job at a pub, where the landlord was happy to let a room to her for a very agreeable rate. The problem was that he seemed to think it gave him certain other rights, and she often slept with a chair against the door. It was following the unfortunate occasion when the landlord’s wife caught him trying to grope her whilst she was changing a barrel in the cellar that she lost her job. The woman seemed to think that it was Lizzie’s fault.
As Lizzie stood outside the pub sifting through her change wondering whether to call Bea on a payphone, one of the regulars approached her and asked if she was okay. When she explained what had happened, he told her that his brother was opening a restaurant in North London and might be able to sort out digs too. Lizzie considered the offer. She didn’t want to go back to Bea and she thought her sister would be impressed if she sorted things out herself so she accepted.
It was the beginning of a cycle of similar jobs and digs and untrustworthy people and every time, Lizzie had thought: this might be the one, these people are kind and will help me. However, she learned pretty quickly that everyone was just out for themselves. It was better to keep yourself to yourself and trust no one. Bea was always there of course but Lizzie didn’t want to run to her for help all the time. It was only when she found Mrs Nussbaum and the bookshop that she started to feel safe. She still kept herself to herself though with Bea at the end of the phone as her friend and counsel.
So the thought of opening up to other people, to people with links to her past, was a confusing one. She had to admit that there was something about Sam that she liked when she met him at the funeral. It might have been his startling resemblance to Bea or the way he seemed to mirror her spirit. But the main reason why she found herself reaching for her phone to dial Bea’s home number was because Sam, Joe and she all shared the same grief and pain at the fact that Bea was gone. She had thought that she could cope with this pain on her own as she had coped with so much before, but then she’d always had Bea. Now, she was starting to wonder if she actually needed someone to talk to.
As she found the number and dialled, her mind raced. They would have to meet away from the shop, somewhere neutral in central London. She wasn’t ready to let people into her world just yet. The phone rang a number of times before a sleepy voice answered.
‘’llo?’
‘Joe?’
‘Nnnng?’
‘It’s Lizzie. How are you?’ It was at that moment that Lizzie glanced at the clock. It was only 6.30. ‘Oh Joe, I’m sorry. You were asleep weren’t you?’
‘Well yes but it’s all right. How are you?’ he asked without a hint of irritation.
‘I’m fine,’ lied Lizzie. ‘How about you?’
‘Fine,’ lied Joe.
There was a short pause which threatened to lengthen towards awkwardness. Lizzie took a deep breath. ‘So, I wondered if you and Sam fancied meeting up some time?’ she asked casually as if this were an everyday occurrence.
‘Oh. Really?’ said Joe sounding surprised. Lizzie realised that she didn’t have a good reason for phoning out of the blue but she had deliberately decided not to mention the letters. They were her letters from Bea and she wasn’t ready to share them. ‘Well that would be great. If you’re sure?’
Lizzie hesitated. This could be the moment when she just gave up on it all, when she made an excuse, hung up and went back to her life, such as it was. She glanced at the letter again and Bea’s heartfelt words. She had no choice. ‘Of course. I think it would be really good for all of us. I’m free this Sunday if you are?’
‘We are actually. Shall we come to you or would you like to come here?’ asked Joe.
Lizzie felt panic rise in her chest and did her best to keep her voice calm. ‘Actually, I was thinking that Sam might like a day-trip somewhere in London? To the zoo or the aquarium perhaps?’
‘Okay. Great idea. Why don’t I ask him and I’ll text you to confirm later?’
‘Great, that sounds really great,’ said Lizzie aware that she was starting to sound a little crazy. ‘I’ll see you then,’ she added. ‘I should go. Sorry for waking you.’
‘No worries. It’s good to hear from you,’ said Joe before hanging up.
Lizzie pressed the phone to her forehead and closed her eyes. She felt as if she were sitting in a rollercoaster as it climbed to the top of the track. She was dreading the moment when she reached the top but part of her, a tiny part, wanted to see what happened when she came down the other side.
***
Lizzie felt an unusual sense of purpose as she went downstairs to open up the bookshop that day. It was as if taking the decision to do what Bea had asked was making her feel a little less burdened. She knew she’d be a mess of nerves on the day she went to meet Sam and Joe but somehow, simply making the decision to do this was having a positive effect on her mood.
Her thoughts were interrupted by something of a kerfuffle at the back of the shop. There was the sound of paws skidding on lino and Mrs Nussbaum telling something or someone to ‘Halt!’
Lizzie made her way towards the back room and drew aside the curtain to reveal Mrs Nussbaum being pulled through the door by an excitable, square-faced dog.
‘Morning, Lizzie!’ trilled Mrs Nussbaum, barely managing to stay on her feet. ‘Meet our newest member of staff, Bambi!’ Bambi barked a greeting.
‘Goodness!’ cried Lizzie, holding a hand out for the dog, who sniffed at his new friend with enthusiasm. ‘He’s lovely but are you sure about having a dog in the shop? It might scare people off.’
‘Ach, he’s an absolute süsse Maus,’ declared Mrs Nussbaum, ruffling the top of Bambi’s head. ‘My neighbour is moving to Australia to be nearer to her children so I suggest that he come and work for us. We can take him for a walk at lunchtime and he will keep me company at night. He is a Boxer, so he will be an excellent guard dog but I think that he will be a great hit with the customers too.’
Just as long as he doesn’t decide to take a chunk out of any of them, thought Lizzie. Bambi, obviously keen to get started in his new job, was straining at the lead so Lizzie took it from Mrs Nussbaum and led him down the shop. She spotted a mother with a pushchair about to enter the shop and then bid a hasty retreat once she saw Bambi. ‘Doggy!’ shouted the child as her mother ushered her away.
Lizzie sighed. ‘Come on, you,’ she said, pulling Bambi back. ‘I think we’re going to have to find you somewhere to sit where you won’t get into trouble.’ The dog whimpered agreement and settled down in an empty unpacking box next to Lizzie.
Mrs Nussbaum appeared a short time later with two mugs of tea. ‘Shall we have a try at the crossword?’ she asked.
Lizzie smiled and accepted the tea. ‘Good idea. We can do it while I’m placing the orders and then I’ll head to the bank.’
Lizzie appreciated this routine with Mrs Nussbaum. It was part of the reason why she felt safe here and had never contemplated going elsewhere. They worked companionably together but rarely discussed life beyond the day to day. Mrs Nussbaum sometimes mentioned Leonard but only in passing. Lizzie suspected that the old lady was as lonely as she was and she knew that they both found comfort in each other’s company. Today she considered telling her about Bea but she worried that Mrs Nussbaum might think her odd for not mentioning it before so she kept quiet. She didn’t want to do anything to upset her life here. She needed something constant in a world without Bea.
As the day progressed, Bambi settled very well into his new role. He seemed to understand instinctively the difference between friend and foe. He accompanied Lizzie to the bank like a professional security guard, barking at a charity collector who tried to stop them in the street. Back at the shop, he followed a mother towards the door when her toddler dropped its cuddly rabbit.
‘You might want to wash that,’ Lizzie remarked, fishing it out of Bambi’s mouth and handing it back to her.
The woman was startled but her face soon softened into a smile. ‘Oh thank you,’ she said. ‘There would have been hell to pay if we’d lost that. Aren’t you a lovely dog?’
‘Eeee!’ cried her child, pulling Bambi’s ear in appreciation. Lizzie held her breath, but Bambi turned towards the little girl and nuzzled her gently in the ribs. She began to giggle and hug the dog’s bony head.
‘Ahhhh, you’re a treasure aren’t you?’ said the mother, rubbing Bambi’s head. ‘I think it’s a great idea to have him around. The kids will love him.’
By the end of the day, Bambi’s celebrity status was assured. ‘Congratulations, Bambi. You’ve passed your probation and the job is yours if you want it,’ Lizzie said, feeling relieved as she locked the front door. Bambi barked an affirmative and followed her down the shop to where Mrs Nussbaum was counting the takings in the back room.
‘We’ve had a good day,’ said the old lady, glancing up from the piles of coins and notes.
‘Must be something to do with our new member of staff,’ said Lizzie patting Bambi on the head.
There was a knock at the front door and Bambi immediately turned on his tail to greet whoever it was. Lizzie followed behind and was surprised to see Susie and Ben from the coffee shop. Susie was peering through the glass eagerly whilst Ben stood behind her, arms folded, an impatient scowl on his face. They looked like comical opposites. Bambi reached the door first, barking as if to say, ‘What do you want? Friend or foe?’ Lizzie noticed Ben’s face dissolve into a smile at the sight of the dog. She unlocked the door and stood back to let them in. Bambi sniffed around them and, deciding they were friends, sat obediently at Ben’s feet ready to have a fuss made of him. Ben knelt down to stroke the dog, talking to him in a low, reassuring voice.
‘Hi, Lizzie,’ grinned Susie. ‘We thought it was high time we came and introduced ourselves properly to our landlady, didn’t we, Ben?’ Ben didn’t look up or speak.
‘Ben!’ hissed Susie.
‘What?’ said Ben, glancing up with the look of a petulant teenager.
Susie rolled her eyes at Lizzie. ‘I’m very sorry about him. He’s basically feral so I have to do all the talking for him.’ Lizzie smiled. She liked this woman. She was certainly a lot more engaging than her other half. Everyone knew that opposites attract but these two seemed so different, Lizzie couldn’t imagine what they might have in common. ‘Anyway, we also thought if there’s any way to join forces, you know, coffee and books go really well together so –.’
Lizzie nodded. ‘That’s a great idea but maybe you should speak to Mrs Nussbaum about it? She’s just out the back.’ Susie looked blank and Lizzie realised her confusion. ‘Oh, did you think I was the landlady? Heavens no, I just work for Mrs Nussbaum.’
‘Oh right, sorry,’ laughed Susie. ‘I’ll pop down and say hello then shall I?’ She looked down at Ben who was still communing with his new friend. Susie shook her head. ‘Don’t let my brother overwhelm you with his charm, will you?’
‘Oh, you’re brother and sister,’ said Lizzie with genuine surprise.
Susie looked appalled. ‘You thought we were an item didn’t you? Euw!’ She laughed. ‘Looks like we both got our wires crossed! Back in a sec,’ she said, walking towards the back room.
Lizzie glanced over at Ben, feeling awkward and unsure of what to say. As he got up from his kneeling position, she was immediately struck by his height. He was at least six feet tall and thick-set like a rugby player. Ben was frowning at his surroundings now. He ran a hand over his stubbly chin and looked unimpressed at having to do this at the end of a long day. It was obvious that Susie had dragged him here and the way he sighed and glanced at his watch made it equally obvious that he didn’t want to stay any longer than necessary. Lizzie was beginning to feel uncomfortable. The silence was awkward and she didn’t understand why he was being so offhand with her. It was at moments like this that she wondered what Bea would do. ‘Don’t let people make you feel small, Lizzie Lou. You have as much right to be there as they do,’ she would say. It didn’t really work for Lizzie. She didn’t have the confidence that surrounded her sister like a magic cloak. Still, maybe it was time to find her inner Bea. She cleared her throat. Ben glanced over expectantly and Lizzie realised she had to say something.
‘Sorry about confusing Susie for your girlfriend,’ she said. Brilliant. Well done, Lizzie. Start with an apology. That always gets people on side. Ben shrugged but said nothing. Lizzie swallowed. She couldn’t work out if he had a problem with her or the whole world. She was panicking now so the words came thick and fast. ‘Although obviously I don’t mean that having Susie as a girlfriend would be a bad thing. She’s very attractive and lovely, absolutely lovely. I mean I don’t really know her but she seems lovely. She’s certainly been very friendly to me. I’m sure she would make a lovely girlfriend for someone but obviously that’s not you because you’re her brother.’ Ben was staring at her now. Lizzie couldn’t blame him. She was rambling like a crazy woman, making no apparent sense, just filling the air with words. ‘Sorry,’ she said again.