A Ghost In The Closet

“America’s two greatest girl detective as lovers? Could anything in the history of pop culture be more irreverent?”

—NEW YORK NEWSDAY

“Maney, who evidently grew up bent in a straighter-than-thou environment, has had a field day with our conventions. Wittily, subversively, she has exposed the underbelly of America: it’s softly rounded, and warm.”

—TORONTO GLOBE AND MAIL

“In a gem of a book-length parody, the author faithfully hews to the narrative and plotting style of juvenile series fiction, her remarkably straight face making the goings on all the funnier. I loved this book …”

—ELLERY QUEEN MYSTERY MAGAZINE

“You’ll laugh until your dress gets mussed … Maney knows ’50s America like she majored in Ozzie and Harriet.”

—LAMBDA BOOK REPORT

The sequel to THE CASE OF THE NOT-SO-NICE NURSE is another hoot, a lampooning of girls’ fiction of the past full of hapless, do-gooding detectives with ‘keen sleuthing abilities, up-to-the-minute fashion sense, and gracious finishing-school manners.’ With a honey like Cherry, who is always careful to keep an ample supply of freshly starched, white linen handkerchiefs in her seasonally appropriate handbag, we know Nancy can’t miss.”

—BOOKLIST

“Utter kitsch, done with class and distinction. Maney tools the pages like an expert, in the process bringing up a lot of dialogue about the role of lesbianism in the gay ’90s, albeit subtly.”

—YOUR FLESH MAGAZINE

About the Author

MABEL MANEY spent her formative years travelling the Midwest in a green wood-paneled station wagon with her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Maney, and three prize-winning black-and-white cocker spaniels, Taffy, Lady and Sadie, in search of blue ribbons and shiny trophies.

After her parents were lost at sea, Mabel and her dog chums settled with their maternal grandmother, Olive Krumpke, in Clear Lake, Wisconsin. Mabel received a strict Catholic education at Our Lady of the Lake School for Girls, where she devoted herself to clean living, community service and Catholic scholarship.

Her first full-length novel, Pets of the Saints (now out-of-print), won her accolades from around the state, and her macaroni model of the last days of Joan of Arc made apparent to all her artistic bent. After an unfortunate misstep prevented her from taking the veil, Mabel moved west, eventually settling in San Francisco where she lives happily with her beloved Miss Lily Bee.

Mabel Maney is the author of The Case of the Not-So-Nice Nurse (Cleis, 1993) and The Case of the Good-For-Nothing Girlfriend (Cleis, 1994). Her installation art and handmade books, self-published under the World O’ Girls imprint, have earned her fellowships from The San Francisco Foundation and San Francisco State University, where she received her MFA in 1991. She is currently working on a musical based on the characters from A Ghost in the Closet.

“It’s the secret map we’ve been looking for!”

A Ghost in the Closet

A Hardly Boys Mystery

Mabel Maney

www.spice-books.co.uk

Contents

Cover

Praise

About the Author

Title Page

Dedication

Prologue

1 Stop, Thief!”

2 Dog Gone!

3 A Daring Rescue

4 Thwarted!

5 A Difficult Decision

6 Thwarted Again!

7 A Surefire Scheme

8 A Romantic Rendezvous

9 A Lovelorn Nurse

10 Girl Trouble!

11 The Mystery of Love

12 A Torrid Tale

13 A Knotty Affair

14 Captured!

15 A Dramatic Entrance

16 Party Games

17 Puzzling Behavior

18 Cosmic Yearnings

19 The Telltale Slippers

20 Hold It Right There!”

21 Torn Asunder!

22 Foreign Foe?

23 Chili con Carne and Baked Alaska

24 A Chase

25 A Lulu of a Revelation

26 A Daring Leap

27 The Science Lesson

28 What Luck!

29 A Dire Warning!

30 A Lucky Break

31 A Watery Grave?

32 Mission Accomplished

33 A Clever Ruse

34 The Plot Thickens

35 And Brains, Too!

36 Nelly to the Rescue

37 To the Tunnels!

38 The Strange Case of Darcy New

39 Second Thoughts?

40 A Star Is Born!

41 Frank’s Anguish

42 I Before E Except After C

43 A Sad Case

44 Boy, Oh, Boy!”

45 What Goes Up Must Come Down

46 To the Moon!

47 Frank Sees the Light

48 Prisoners!

49 It’s John Glenn!”

50 To the Rescue!

51 To Tell the Truth

52 Hurry!

53 Say Cheese!”

54 What a Shock!

55 Take Them Away!”

56 A Tearful Reunion

57 Shall We Dance?”

58 And the Winner Is …”

59 A Happy Ending

Endpages

Copyright

Dedicated to the memory of Billy Tipton

“He sang in a high voice.”

and to Herbert S. Zim,

whose delightful and informative books

have provided many hours of pleasant reading

As always

for Miss Lily Bee

and

for Miss Coco,

who will be sadly missed

Special thanks to Leasa Burton

for her keen editing skills

and

buckets of gratitude

to my sweet boy chums

for their generosity, grace and wit

Tom Metz

Donald Smith

Chuck Stallard

Prologue

“I can hardly wait to get home and show Father all the exciting new French detective techniques we learned while on our vacation!” Joe Hardly said eagerly. The dark-haired, muscular lad, one half of the crime-fighting team known far and wide as the Hardly boys, leaned against the rail of the majestic Queen Mary and gazed at the wide expanse of blue water all around them. In two days, they would arrive in New York Harbor, catch a speedy train to their beloved hometown of Feyport, Illinois, and be reunited with their parents, world-famous detective Fennel P. Hardly and his wife, Mrs. Hardly. Although Joe had had a swell time on their six-week jaunt through Europe, the tousled-haired lad was eager to get back home and resume his exciting life as a famous boy detective.

“Are you as anxious as I am to get back to work?” Joe asked his older brother Frank as he took a stick of cherry gum from the pocket of his baby blue cardigan-style overshirt in washable rayon and popped it in his mouth.

“I’m fit and rested and ready to go,” Frank replied with a smile as he ran a hand through his thick, close-cropped blond hair, then slipped a cable-knit tennis sweater over his head. His cruise-wear outfit of white cotton sunburst-print clam-digger trousers and matching top was just the ticket for a sun-drenched day aboard ship, but now that the sun was setting, the boy detective was getting mighty chilled!

“Oh, I do hope Father’s got a good mystery brewing for us. After all that sightseeing, I sure am anxious for some real action!” Frank said wistfully.

“Father’s probably embroiled in a new case this very minute,” Joe cried. “Why, I bet as soon as we get home, we’ll be pulled into an exciting adventure!”

—— CHAPTER 1 ——

“Stop, Thief!”

“I’m sorry, son, you’ll have to let me examine the contents of your pockets before I can let you in the auditorium,” a man in a trim blue uniform ordered as he kept his eyes on the crowd and grabbed hold of Midge Fontaine’s arm, preventing her from entering the Lake Merrimen Auditorium, a civic center in the heart of the bustling resort town that had been host to many an exciting event, from square dances to pie contests, but none so thrilling as the annual Dog Show.

Midge squirmed out of the man’s grasp and resolutely crossed her arms over her strong chest. “No one goes through my pockets,” she cried angrily, thinking to herself, “except for my girlfriend Velma!”

“If I don’t search you, you can’t go inside,” the officer shot back as he studied Midge’s trouser pockets suspiciously.

Girl detective Nancy Clue pushed past her chum. “Officer, what’s the problem?” she asked politely.

“Well, if it isn’t Miss Nancy Clue!” the man exclaimed as he recognized the famous girl sleuth known far and wide for her keen detective work and fashionable outfits. Today, Nancy was attired in a darling blue and white checkered raincoat and matching hat, and had navy blue rubber boots on her petite feet.

“Here on a case, eh, Miss Clue?” the man smiled knowingly.

“That’s right, officer,” Nancy played along. If truth be told, she and her chums, the newly-wed Midge Fontaine and Velma Pierce, and her own date, Cherry Aimless, Registered Nurse, were there for a frolicsome day amid canine competition and not hot on the trail of a new mystery.

“We’re going to miss the beginning of the Obedience Trials,” Midge groaned as she peeked inside and saw that, although it was still early on a rainy Saturday morning, the civic center was already teeming with dog lovers dressed in snappy sports outfits, anxious to partake of the festivities promised for that day. “If we don’t hurry there’s not going to be any place left to sit,” she pointed out. The annual canine contest was one of the most eagerly anticipated affairs in the gay resort town, coming as it did in the middle of a typically quiet Illinois summer, and no one was as pleased to see the sights as Midge Fontaine, a dog lover through and through.

A shock of recognition crossed the officer’s face as he got a closer look at Midge. She was a muscular girl with close-cropped blond hair and a strong jaw, which at that moment was set in a scowl. “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you straight off, Frank,” the man waved them through, adding, “Chief O’Malley sure will be glad to know his favorite boy detective is back in town.”

“Thanks,” Midge replied with a grin. Since she and her chums had arrived in the small Midwestern town of River Depths ten days ago to help girl detective Nancy Clue solve the baffling mystery of The Case of the Good-For-Nothing Girlfriend, the handsome girl had been mistaken over and over again for a boy. And not just any fellow, but the celebrated detective Frank Hardly, a clean-cut lad with a sensible nature and a keen eye whose daring exploits had made him as much a household name as his feminine counterpart, Nancy Clue. The two sleuths were in fact old chums who had solved many a mystery together.

On Midge’s first day in River Depths, a townswoman had taken one look at her muscular build and masculine appearance and announced to all concerned that Frank Hardly, who had been vacationing in Europe with his brother Joe, was back in town. Midge had done nothing to correct the woman’s mistaken impression, and had in fact enjoyed the little charade.

“Being Frank is fun,” Midge thought as she and her group hastily strode past the guard and lost themselves in the crowd. “Why are they searching people at the door?” Midge wondered aloud. She had never been to a dog show with so much security!

“Myra Meeks is exhibiting her prize-winning poodle today,” Nancy said with a chuckle, “and her husband, Judge Meeks, has probably called in the police to make sure her Precious isn’t stolen.”

At the mention of the town’s meanest matron, Midge made a face. Since their arrival in Illinois, the girls had had many an unpleasant encounter with the worrisome woman. “I hope we don’t run into her today,” Midge groaned. She checked her watch. “Let’s catch the end of the Obedience Trials,” she suggested.

“I know you’re in a hurry, Midge, but first I simply must powder my nose,” Cherry insisted.

While her girlish chums ducked into the ladies’ lounge, Midge waited nearby with her face buried in the dog show program.

Five minutes later Midge checked her watch and frowned. The Parade of Hounds would begin soon, followed by the Toy Dogs Procession in which miniature animals were wheeled around the center ring on specially built carts.

“Honey, we’re going to miss the best parts,” Midge pleaded through the cheery pink door of the lounge, but there was no reply. “They’re probably doing their hair,” she realized. She ran a hand through her own short, masculine hairstyle, which required little more than a quick combing and an application of hair preparation.

“Velma, let’s go,” she cried. Golly, they were missing the opening remarks from experts in the field. As a devoted dog lover, Midge knew there were one hundred and twenty breeds recognized by the American Kennel Club, and the stories of these dogs were filled with heroism and humor, delightful anecdotes and high adventure—and she didn’t want to miss one little bit!

Midge felt a sudden tug at her elbow. “Pardon me, young man,” a soft voice said politely. Midge whirled around to find a slender elderly woman dressed in an impeccably tailored lightweight navy blue suit with a prim lace collar and starched white cuffs standing behind her. Tucked under each arm was a miniature teacup poodle the exact color of her nicely coifed gray hair. The woman peered at Midge through horn-rimmed glasses, with a puzzled expression on her face.

“Er—I’m just waiting for my wife,” Midge explained weakly. “She and her friends went in to fix their hair.” Midge was telling the truth, for just last week in a touching ceremony sure to be remembered by all, she and her longtime love Velma had been united in marriage.

The woman smiled sympathetically, then nodded at the program in Midge’s hand and said, “Would you be a dear and tell me where the petite poodles are being housed? I have a program in my purse,” she went on, indicating the worn yet still good black clutch under one arm, “but my hands are too full to retrieve it. I do so want to win this year,” she confided as Midge leafed through her program detailing the 1959 Lake Merrimen Dog Show. “If I can only keep Pierre and Patsy calm until show time, one of them is sure to win Best of Show in their breed!” The woman’s friendly brown eyes lit up in delight as she dreamt of the shiny trophy awaiting the top pet poodle.

Midge thought that the handsome pets were sure to impress the judges, and told her so. The woman flushed with excitement at the kind words. “I’m Miss Penelope Parsnips, but everyone calls me Miss Pansy,” she offered. “It’s an old family nickname,” she explained. “I’m the local librarian, and while you could say books are my business, poodles are my passion!”

“I’m—” Midge began, but the excited woman cut her off. “Oh, everyone knows who you are,” Miss Pansy cried in delight. “I’ve heard about you and your brother and your expert detective work on many occasions, Frank Hardly. Your father, the world-famous detective Fennel P. Hardly, must be awfully proud that his sons are following in his footsteps to such great acclaim!”

Midge had to grin. These Hardly boys sure had a reputation!

After ascertaining the location of the event, Miss Pansy bade Midge a fond farewell. “I hope your wife comes out soon before you miss any more of today’s excitement,” she cried. “Be sure to come see us perform in the Pageant of Poodles.”

Midge took the pencil she had tucked behind her ear and made a bold check next to the one o’clock show. In the margin, she wrote the names Pierre and Patsy. Midge’s keen eye told her Miss Pansy’s pet poodles were top notch.

“One sees more poodles in dog acts than all other breeds combined,” Midge was fascinated to read as she browsed through her catalog. A feminine giggle interrupted her. It was her girlfriend, the vivacious Velma Pierce, and she had brushed her short, dark curly locks until they shone. Right behind her was Nancy, who had shed her raincoat to reveal a crisp shirtwaist cinched with a slender belt, in the prettiest blue that set off her shiny titian locks to their best advantage, and her date Cherry, similarly attired in a smart shirtwaist of the palest yellow and carrying a white patent-leather clutch purse.

Midge sighed with relief and jammed her program into the back pocket of her rumpled men’s trousers. She did her best to look annoyed.

“I’m sorry we took so long,” Velma exclaimed as she gave her patient girlfriend a kiss. Midge’s frown immediately turned into a big grin.

“I’m afraid it’s all my fault,” Cherry admitted. “While I was powdering my nose I noticed a girl wearing the cute cornflower blue uniform of a Veterinarian Nurse, and I just had to ask her a few pertinent questions about her exciting profession.” If truth be told, the conversation had done Cherry a world of good. Although she was greatly enjoying her stay in this lovely Midwestern town, she had to admit she was a little lonesome for the hustle and bustle of the big city hospital that had, until three weeks ago, been her whole world.

Until her recent adventure brought her to Illinois, Nurse Cherry Aimless had been a happily overworked Ward Nurse specializing in women with nervous disorders at Seattle General Hospital. During a visit to San Francisco to see her Aunt Gertrude, she had been caught up in the exciting Case of the Not-So-Nice Nurse, where she had met her longtime idol, detective Nancy Clue, and Midge and Velma, too! That simple vacation had turned into the adventure of a lifetime, for not only had Cherry helped rescue a convent of kidnapped nuns, she had also fallen deeply and truly in love with her favorite girl detective!

Only days later, the chums had been swept up in their most recent mystery, the dramatic Case of the Good-For-Nothing Girlfriend, which had proven to be their scariest adventure ever! Helpful housekeeper Hannah Gruel, who had been like a mother to Nancy Clue since the death of her real mother many years ago, had been charged with killing Nancy’s father, famous attorney Carson Clue!

“Thank goodness that’s all over,” Cherry sighed in relief. “Has it just been a week since Nancy faced a certain jail sentence by bravely admitting that it was she who had murdered her father, only to be exonerated at the very last minute when Carson Clue’s true nature was finally revealed?” Cherry wondered to herself. Why, if public sentiment hadn’t been behind her, Nancy could very well be in prison this minute, Cherry realized with alarm as she clutched her chum’s slender, white cotton-gloved hand.

Who would have guessed that just days before, the charmingly outfitted girl at Cherry’s side had been locked in a damp, drab jail cell? Luckily, once the truth about her father had been revealed and people could see that Nancy had had no choice but to shoot him, the good citizens of River Depths had demanded she be let go and that all charges be dropped.

Nancy smiled and gave Cherry’s hand a little squeeze. “Lucky for us, everything’s back to normal,” that confident squeeze said.

Cherry felt a sudden stab of guilt. All week she had been trying to get her feelings straight about Nancy. When they first met in San Francisco, they fell instantly and truly in love. But after two glorious weeks, their romance had soured, and Cherry had been forced to take a good long look at her idol. Not liking all she saw, the gentle nurse had since demurred whenever the subject of love came up. Cherry knew that since Nancy’s release from prison, she had done all she could to rekindle their earlier love, but there was just one thing standing in the way.

“A great, big good-looking girl with bulging biceps and the warmest smile I’ve ever seen,” Cherry thought dreamily. San Francisco Detective Jackie Jones, a calm, capable girl with rich brown skin and large black eyes, had shown up at Nancy’s door to help her chums solve their last case, and had stolen Cherry’s heart in the process. “Maybe I was never really in love with Nancy to begin with,” Cherry thought. “Could it be that I’m really, truly in love with Jackie, and my feelings for Nancy were merely a girl’s first crush?” Still, Cherry felt a little tingle when she gazed at her attractive titian-haired chum, who had stooped to pet a frisky Scottish terrier, a plucky little breed whose independent spirit and reckless courage had long held it in good stead with the dog-loving public.

“Nancy has been awfully sweet to me since she was released from prison. And who could blame her for acting a little short-tempered during her murder trial?” Cherry asked herself. “After all, she was under an awful strain.” The more Cherry pondered this, the more sense it made. Could it be her feelings for Jackie, a top notch detective with a steady gaze and a confident manner, were merely the admiration of one dedicated professional for another?

Cherry blushed. She always blushed when she thought of the strong, cocksure detective who had an uncanny habit of showing up just when Cherry needed her most. “Time will tell. Just be patient, and you’ll see who’s the right girl for you,” Velma’s sensible words rang in Cherry’s ears. Since meeting the older, more sophisticated Velma Pierce, Cherry had, again and again, turned to her for guidance on matters of the heart, as well as for fashion and hairstyle tips.

“After ten years with Midge, Velma must know everything there is to know about romance,” Cherry realized. She snuck a peek at her favorite couple, who were standing arm in arm whilst poring over the fascinating program. She was thrilled to see them happy and smiling again. Midge and Velma were true and devoted lovers, but a silly misunderstanding last week had almost pulled them asunder! Luckily, love had prevailed, and the two were wed in a lovely ceremony in Nancy’s living room, attended by all of River Depth society.

Cherry puzzled her pretty brow. There was one thing she still didn’t understand. If Midge was masquerading as Frank Hardly, and had married Velma while in disguise, was Velma Mrs. Midge Fontaine, or really Mrs. Frank Hardly? “Maybe now isn’t the best time to bring that up,” Cherry decided. “Since everyone’s having such a swell time.”