Bad Bridesmaid

Chapter 7

‘Good morning,’ I sing brightly as I enter the kitchen.

Like the rest of the house, the kitchen is all decked out in white. The chrome appliances are the closest thing this room has to offer in terms of colour, it’s so white and clean it’s giving off the creepy vibes of a hospital operating theatre. I watch as my sister chops up a plate of sausages before dousing it in ketchup and handing it to Josh – on second thoughts, it’s more like a morgue than an operating theatre.

In contrast to all the horizontal lines created by the drawers, frameless cabinets and work surfaces, the vertical blinds cast shadows all around the room. Long, thick, dark shadows, creating prison cell type bars everywhere. These bars may be an optical illusion caused by nothing other than an obstruction of light, but they feel real. I feel like I’m in a prison.

‘Morning, Mia,’ my sister says as she fries bacon. ‘We were just talking about how you can’t get married, even if you want to.’

Forget what I just said. It’s not like an operating theatre, it’s not like a morgue and it’s not like a prison – I’m right in the heart of the psych ward.

I glance around at the other people in the kitchen. Josh, my only ally in the room, left as soon as he got his breakfast, so that just leaves me with my sister, my gran, my mum and my auntie. Despite the warm weather outside it is positively frosty in here.

‘I’m sorry, what?’ I ask, because that made no sense to me at all.

‘I’ve been reading up on wedding superstitions, you know, just so I have all bases covered,’ my sister explains.

‘That makes perfect sense,’ I say sarcastically.

‘Mia,’ my gran interrupts, ‘superstition is such a large part of getting married.’

‘And being married, am I right, Auntie June?’ I say as I give her a nudge and wiggle my eyebrows. I thought she might be able to see the funny side of what happened yesterday by now, but the angry frown on her face confirms otherwise. ‘So, what does that have to do with me?’ I ask my sister.

‘Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride,’ my mum warns me – the same mum who bullied me into being my sister’s bridesmaid even though she knew I had already been a bridesmaid twice when I was younger.

I stare at her blankly.

‘Basically,’ my sister begins, ‘the whole idea of being a bridesmaid is so you can distract the evil spirits that try to ruin the wedding.’

‘Like vodka?’ I laugh, causing my gran to click her tongue at me. ‘Like a stunt double then?’ I ask, semi-seriously.

‘Yes,’ my sister says excitedly, clearly delighted that I get it. ‘So the bridesmaid deals with the evil spirits that will be trying to stop the wedding from going ahead, but in doing so the bridesmaid catches a lot of bad luck – like being single and alone forever.’

‘Mia is doing a good job of that so far,’ my mum snorts.

‘Oh, see before I just thought it was a silly tradition but now… I think you ladies are completely nuts.’

‘Mia,’ my sister squeaks, ‘don’t speak to Mum, Gran and auntie June like that.’

‘And you.’ I point at my sister. ‘You’re the queen of crazy if you believe that. If you really did believe it, there’s no way you would have asked me.’

My sister looks embarrassed.

‘Wow, really?’ I ask in disbelief. ‘You believe this rubbish and you’re still willing to let me take the risk?’

‘Well, you’re never going to get married, are you?’ my sister reasons.

I look over at my mum for some kind of support.

‘And we did spend your share of the wedding fund on your sister,’ my mum half jokes.

‘Unbelievable,’ I say as I shake my head. Thank God I really don’t have plans to get married because my family are trying to make sure I’m fucked from the word go.

Belle wanders over to me sheepishly, spatula in hand.

‘You’re not mad are you, sis?’ she asks.

‘Of course I’m not,’ I say, giving her a playful shove so she knows I mean it. ‘You’re right, I don’t ever want to get married, I’m just messing with you.’

‘Phew.’ My sister breathes a sigh of relief and gets back to her bacon.

Am I stupid for being upset over everyone constantly reaffirming that I’m never going to get married? I know why I don’t want to get married, but they don’t understand the way I feel. I can only imagine they think that no one would even want to marry me in the first place.

I know this is only my first proper day here – but already I can’t wait for this stupid wedding to be over, so I can get on the fastest flight back to lovely LA, relaxing in the knowledge that I’ve clocked enough family hours to last me at least a couple of years.

‘Bacon sandwich?’ my sister asks me.

‘Oh, no thank you,’ I say politely. ‘I’m not really a fried food person.’

‘But you used to love bacon sandwiches,’ my mum insists.

‘I’m sure I used to love being breastfed, but I wouldn’t very much like to do it now,’ I insist.

I don’t know why I expected to get a few laughs from the room, that joke was never going to go down well. My mum rolls her eyes, my gran tuts and my auntie looks repulsed.

‘Mia, I’m not entirely happy about your foul mouth and your disgusting sense of humour being around my kids,’ my auntie explains.

‘Well, I’m quite fond of my foul mouth and my disgusting sense of humour – in fact, I’m literally attached to my foul mouth, so unless you want me to stay away from my cousins…’

‘Could you? Thanks.’ My auntie forces a fake smile. I told you, she just hates me.

‘I could do you some sausage while the pan is still on,’ my sister suggests in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

‘I’m fine, honestly. I’ll just grab a coffee, I’m not much of a morning person.’

I don’t point out to my sister that sausages are also fried – the pan and the oil are the giveaway when it comes to what is and isn’t fried.

‘Well, there’s a machine over there. None of us have any idea how to use it though,’ my sister says with a shrug of her shoulders.

I glance over at the fancy, hi-tech coffee machine that no one has been able to figure out how to use. I’m a coffee junkie, so I have a similar machine at home – I’ll be able to work this, no problem.

‘When you’re done, go and put some clothes on because we’re all going to this fish and chip restaurant in the town. Well, everyone but Dan, he’s still stuck in bed with a bad back,’ my sister reminds me, like I might have forgotten.

‘I am dressed,’ I protest, glancing down at the hot pink beach dress I had deemed the most appropriate to wear around my family. ‘Anyway, I’m really tired from all the travelling yesterday so I thought I might just chill out here today, make sure I’m ready to start celebrating tomorrow.’

I give my sister an overly enthusiastic thumbs-up. Hopefully by mentioning the thousands of miles I have travelled just to be with her on her big day she will be grateful enough not to force me into wedding-based celebrations just yet.

‘That’s fine,’ my sister says, much to my surprise. ‘Well, we’d rather not take the kids with us and Dan isn’t exactly up to looking after them.’

Wow, that’s twice today she’s brought up the fact I injured her fiancé. As far as I’m concerned, Dan’s bad back is not my fault, but I’m the only person in this house who doesn’t blame me.

‘You want me to look after kids?’ I laugh. ‘I’m sure they can take care of themselves.’

‘Josh and Max are only ten.’ My sister says this with such an alarmed squeak that you’d think I had just suggested we leave a toddler in the cutlery drawer.

‘Anyway, she doesn’t want me near her kids,’ I say with a nod towards my auntie.

‘She’s the cat’s mother,’ my mum insists, reminding me of my manners – God forbid anyone should say anything that might be considered rude this morning.

‘It will do you good to learn some responsibility,’ my Auntie June insists.

‘You mean it will do you good to dump your child on me while you go off and eat chips,’ I reply.

‘Mia, why can’t you just do this?’ Belle pleads.

‘Because I’m not a child-friendly person,’ I insist.

‘You’re not a fried food person, you not a morning person, you’re not a child-friendly person – are you sure you’re a person at all?’ my mum snaps.

‘OK, fine,’ I say in submission. ‘I’m going to go and do some work by the pool, just let me know when you need me.’

It’s like I only need to be in a room for five minutes before everyone is pissed off and it’s all thanks to me. I’m not sure what it is about me that my family seem to find so intolerable because, from where I’m standing, they’re the ones with the flaws, not me. OK, so I may not be into love, marriage and babies, but I’m a nice person, I’m kind, generous and polite – all the things you’re supposed to be – until people give me reason not to be. I’m not cold like my mum, I’m not a bully like my sister and I’m not a horrible cow like my auntie. Perhaps I’m not as nice to my Auntie June as I could be, but this level of dislike comes after years and years of her actively despising me, and for no good reason.

The plan is to get comfortable by the pool, do a bit of work and then try and swim off the dinner I ate out of manners last night. I hadn’t bargained on babysitting two young boys but they’re good kids, I’m sure keeping an eye on them won’t affect my plans.

Chapter 8

Finally connected to the beach house wi-fi, my phone springs back to life. After a day of peace and quiet from my best friend (who is also my calendar, camera, alarm clock, emailing device, web browser… oh, and it can make calls too) normal service has been resumed. There are several emails from my assistant, Dalia, filling me in on every little thing that has happened in the office as well as a few from Savannah and Molly who are already seeming pretty stressed out trying to get on with our latest project without me. Molly hinted that my boss was unhappy with me taking vacation days (that I was owed, might I add) while we’re in the middle of a new movie. If only they knew what a rubbish time I was having, I’d much rather be at work.

I have only just made myself comfortable next to the pool, but I know that I’ll get my work done a lot easier if I type on my iPad instead of my phone. I drag myself to my feet and begin (what feels like) the long journey up to my room – then again, running up two flights of stairs will do me good, I can practically feel the bolognese making itself at home on my hips.

When I finally reach my room I am a little taken aback to see my uncle already in there.

‘Can I help you?’ I ask bluntly.

‘I was just…’ My uncle’s voice quickly changes from a hushed tone to an awkwardly loud one. ‘…making sure that spider hadn’t come back.’

‘What?’ I ask, but as I notice him looking over my shoulder I turn around and see my Auntie June standing behind me.

‘You’re with Mia,’ my auntie says, like I’m not even there. ‘Again.’

‘Spiders,’ my uncle laughs with a shrug of his shoulders.

‘You’re that scared of spiders?’ my auntie asks me in disbelief.

‘Oh, if there’s a creepy crawly around I feel like I can’t rest until I know someone has squashed it,’ I reply, making my uncle look even more uneasy.

‘Anyway, we’re heading out now. You will take proper care of the children, won’t you?’ my auntie asks again.

‘Yes, yes,’ I reply. ‘I thought I’d take a nap while they play in the sea. Sound good?’

My uncle laughs at my blatant attempt at humour but my auntie looks disturbed.

‘Mia, you don’t take your eyes off them,’ she says sternly.

‘I won’t,’ I reply sincerely.

‘Come on, Steve,’ my auntie instructs her husband before they leave my room together.

‘Unbelievable,’ I say to myself before grabbing my iPad and heading back downstairs.

I am only back in my seat by the pool for a few minutes before my sister wanders in with Josh and Max.

‘Now, be good for Mia,’ my sister instructs the children. ‘And you be good for the kids,’ she warns me.

I find it funny that no one trusts me with these children, and yet they will leave them with me anyway because it suits them.

‘Right, who fancies a cigarette?’ I ask Josh and Max the second my sister has closed the door behind her. The boys laugh, which says it all about my sense of humour. ‘But seriously, are you guys OK to amuse yourselves while I do some work?’

‘Can we go in the pool?’ Josh asks.

‘Can you both swim?’

The boys nod.

‘Are you sure?’ I ask. ‘Because your mum will like me even less if you die.’

Both Josh and Max simultaneously talk me through their swimming achievements to date.

‘OK then, but only if you stay in the shallow end. I’ll be sat right here so I’ll notice if you wander into the deep end,’ I warn them.

‘Can you get us our swimming trunks?’ Josh asks.

Not only do I not fancy rooting through other people’s things to find swimwear for the boys, but that sounds like it will take a long time and I’m worried today will be my last chance to get some proper work done.

‘You wear underwear, right?’

Josh and Max nod.

‘Well, you’re sorted. Go, have fun.’

The boys look at each other for a moment, unsure of whether or not I have the authority to let them go swimming in their underpants. They don’t think it over for too long before running towards the pool, screaming with delight before dive bombing into the beautiful blue water.

I only get to feel like the world’s coolest babysitter for a moment before I realise that it is proving almost impossible to concentrate on my work with Josh and Max screaming and splashing each other. I can’t exactly go and work in another room, not after the jokes I made about drowning them in the sea. Whether it’s the sea or a swimming pool, if I kill these kids my sister will almost certainly have another reason to blame me for ruining her wedding – and I can’t have that.

‘Hey guys, do you want to watch a movie?’ I ask.

‘We’ve seen all the kids’ movies they have here,’ Max calls back.

‘What about if I let you watch a grown-up movie?’

The boys both cheer with excitement as they climb out of the pool.

‘Come on, this way.’ I toss them each a towel and head for the play room.

‘Right, let’s see,’ I say to myself as I examine the top shelf of the cupboard where the DVDs are kept. They actually have quite a good selection – I’m a total film buff and even I’m impressed. I quickly run my finger past any movie that I was involved in writing or any others of a similar genre, I don’t want to fill their young, impressionable minds with any romantic junk. ‘Pulp Fiction,’ I squeak with delight. ‘Have you seen it?’

The boys shake their heads, it’s like they haven’t even heard of it.

‘What? You haven’t seen Pulp Fiction?’ I ask in disbelief, putting to the back of my mind the fact that the boys are ten years old. ‘It’s a masterpiece.’

Maybe it’s because I take my love of movies very seriously, maybe it’s because I’m a devout Quentin Tarantino fan or maybe it’s because I just want to go against my auntie’s wishes, but I decide that this is the movie the boys should watch.

‘Just don’t tell your parents, OK?’

They nod eagerly.

I pop the DVD in the machine and sit myself down on the sofa with Josh and Max. I’ll stick around for a few minutes, just to make sure they’re enjoying it, and then I’ll head back into the pool room and do my work.

As the opening scene in the diner plays out, Josh and Max’s eyes are glued to the big screen. Ah, that look of wonder, that mesmerised stare – I remember when I watched my first Tarantino movie, they’re going to love it.

“I love you, Pumpkin.”

“I love you, Honey Bunny.”

‘Well, I’m going to leave you guys to enjoy this,’ I say as I head for the door, but it falls on deaf ears.

I grab a couple of beanbags, one to hold the door to the games room open and one to do the same with the door to the pool, that way I’ll be able to hear them if they need me. As I put the second beanbag in place, I overhear the line: “Any of you fucking pricks move and I’ll execute every one of you motherfuckers! Got that?” For a moment it occurs to me that maybe this isn’t the best film to put on for a couple of kids whose parents have sheltered them from bad language and inappropriate behaviour their entire lives, but that’s exactly the reason they should see it. This movie is a work of art, everyone needs to see it… although probably not when they’re ten years old. Well, Josh and Max are clearly enjoying it and that leaves me to get on with some work. What’s the worst that can happen?

***

Perhaps it has something to do with the water – the way it reflects on the walls and the gentle sounds it makes as it laps against the sides of the pool when there aren’t any noisy children splashing around in it – or the fact that jetlag is still screwing with me a little, but it wasn’t long after I sat back down by the pool when I fell asleep. So much for getting some work done before the adults get back… oh my God, the kids!

I jump up from my seat and dash into the games room, only to find Josh and Max exactly as I left them, their eyes still glued to the screen as Samuel L. Jackson finishes delivering that epic speech from the final scene of the movie.

“And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

The boys, who are not even aware I have re-entered the room, both blink at the screen, their facial expressions giving nothing away. I wonder if they have even spoken to one another during the film.

‘So, what do you think?’ I ask them as the credits roll.

‘That was so cool,’ Josh enthuses.

‘I didn’t want it to end,’ Max adds.

‘Well, there’s plenty more where that came from,’ I tell them, proud to have introduced them to a cinematic genius. ‘Just don’t tell your parents.’

‘When can we watch another?’ Josh asks excitedly. ‘Do you think you can make everyone go out again tomorrow? What are we watching next?’

‘Hold your horses,’ I chuckle. ‘I’ll do my best.’

Right on cue I hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs. I quickly remove Pulp Fiction from the DVD player and put it back on the shelf, just as Auntie June walks in.

‘Did everyone behave?’ she asks, not wasting a second on pleasantries.

‘Of course,’ I reply. ‘They’re little angels.’

‘I was talking to them,’ my auntie informs me.

I roll my eyes at my auntie as Tarantino’s two newest fans nod their heads.

I grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge and take a swig, safe in the knowledge I have passed myself off as a capable babysitter.

‘Wait a second,’ my auntie starts, puzzled. ‘Why are you two in your underpants?’

Caught off guard, I spray the big gulp of water I had taken out of my mouth. I cough and splutter for a moment (much to the amusement of Josh and Max) before trying to explain.

‘It’s not what it looks like,’ I start, but my auntie cuts me off.

‘What does it look like?’

I hesitate for a moment.

‘I don’t know, but the boys wanted to swim and I didn’t think you’d appreciate me going in your room to find shorts.’

My auntie looks at the boys for confirmation and they dutifully nod. I think my auntie is picking up on the fact that we are all behaving very shiftily, but that’s only because I let the boys watch a movie with an ‘eighteen’ rating, not because I held an impromptu orgy and decided my ten-year-old cousin and his mate could attend if they adhered to the dress code.