The Gift of a Child

CHAPTER TWO

MITCH KNEW HE was hallucinating. Too many strong coffees. Had to be. Nothing else would explain why he thought he saw Jodi Hawke standing here in his office. He shut his eyes tight, concentrated on removing that unnerving image from his brain. Slowly raised his eyelids. There. Leaning against his door. Jodi Hawke. No, not leaning. More like melting into the door, becoming a part of it. As in an attempt to remain upright.

A Jodi lookalike, then. The Jodi he’d known had had more confidence than a one-hundred-metre sprinter. Through narrowed eyes, he studied this apparition. Worn jeans hung loosely off her hips. A shapeless, faded cotton jersey bagged from her breasts and over her tummy, while scuffed trainers on her feet completed the strange picture.

The Jodi he remembered had been a fashionista. She’d certainly never gone for the ragdoll effect. And she’d definitely never been quiet, let alone silent.

God, what had been in those coffees? Definitely something weird and potent. His eyes drooped shut as the need to continue sleeping washed over him. It had been a big day made huge after a multi-car pile-up on the motorway. He’d attended to five seriously injured people, not to mention the usual number of patients continuously filing through the department. No wonder he was exhausted and seeing things. Then a nag set up in his skull. Wasn’t he supposed to be going somewhere?

‘Mitchell,’ squeaked the lookalike.

Jodi never squeaked. Through sheer willpower he did not move, not even an eyelid. Until his mouth let him down, demanding, ‘Tell me this is a joke.’ A very sick joke. But there’d be no reply. He was hallucinating.

‘Mitch, damn you. Look at me.’

He snapped forward so fast his neck clicked and his eyes opened into a wide stare. His feet hit the floor with a thump. ‘You’re real.’ He knew that voice, had heard it against his chest in the heat of passion, had felt it lash him in anger.

‘What else would I be?’ Her eyes bored into him, unrelenting in their determination to get his attention.

She certainly had that in spades. What was she doing here? Should he be worried? Nah, couldn’t see any reason for that. But after three years she just waltzes in through his door and tells him what to do? No way, sunshine. ‘A bad dream.’

She winced, and a whole ton of emotions blinked out at him from those unnerving eyes. Anger, hurt, shock, caution. But the overriding one appeared to be fear. Jodi was afraid of him? That had him standing upright faster than a bullet train. Nothing was making any sense. They hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for so long there was nothing between them now; not good or bad. Yet now she looked as though she wanted to be anywhere but here with him. Odd since she had been the one to walk in unannounced.

Even in the deep quiet of night, when nothing stirred except his memory, he’d never believed Jodi would want him back. Jumping the gun a bit, aren’t you? She’s probably passing through and decided to look you up for old times’ sake. As if. It had hurt beyond comprehension when she’d kicked him out and before he’d left Dunedin he’d often started towards her place to beg for a second chance, only to back off, knowing Jodi would give him most things but never that.

So why was she here? She didn’t do casual. Whatever had brought her through his door must be serious.

Apprehension crawled up his back. Somehow he managed to drawl with feigned nonchalance, ‘Jodi, long time no see.’ Three years five months, to be nearly exact. Tension overlaid tension in his weary body. And he’d thought he’d forgotten all about her. Forgotten making love with her in the long grass above the beach in summer. Forgotten how her laugh always made him feel he could slay dragons. But he’d been kidding himself. Big time.

Now his gaze was back to cruising, checking out that wacky, totally unstylish hair, the eyes that weren’t bordered with a pail of war paint, the non-lipsticked lips bruised where she must’ve nibbled for hours. So she still did that.

What had happened to this woman? He struggled to recognise her for who she’d been. A bright, sparkly woman with a figure any model would die for and the accessories to match. An intern adored by patients and staff alike. The only woman he’d even considered doing something way out with—as in settling down and buying the picket fence with. Everything he remembered about her had disappeared. All gone. Replaced by a stranger. Or so it seemed.

‘What brings you to Auckland? I presume you’re still living down south.’

‘Yes, I am.’ She still leaned against the door. ‘At least, I did until today.’

‘You’re on the move? Anywhere exciting?’ What the hell’s this got to do with me?

‘I don’t know about exciting. But I’m shifting to Auckland for a while.’ She choked over that last word. Tears glittered on her eyelashes.

Oh, God, she hadn’t taken a job in ED? Here? In his department? No, don’t be daft. Who would’ve sanctioned that if not him? Think about it. She wasn’t trained to work in an emergency department. The tension in his belly backed off a notch. So, what was her visit about? Had she really turned up for a chat about old times? Nah, not at this hour of the night.

He stamped on the flare of sympathy that drawn face caused, and parked his backside back on his chair. Stretching his legs under the desk, he started at the beginning. ‘You arrived today and already you’re knocking on my door? Do you need a job? Because I’m sorry to disappoint you but I’m overstaffed as it is.’

‘No, I don’t need a job.’ She swallowed. ‘Actually, I will do at some point but that’s not why I’m here.’

There was a relief. But the tension gripping his muscles didn’t relax at all. ‘So this is a social call?’

Another swallow. Then her tongue moistened her lips. And that fear in her eyes grew. ‘No,’ she croaked.

Mitch studied her carefully as a sense of falling over the edge of a cliff began expanding deep inside him. Jodi hadn’t spoken more than two sentences to him—and, yes, he remembered what they’d been, word for word—from the day she’d put his packed bags on the front doorstep of the flat they’d shared and said goodbye. Even his explanations about helping seriously injured people hadn’t softened her stance. Neither had telling her he needed just another year of putting in long hours and then he’d be set for life, would have the career he wanted and a whole lot more time for her. In the end he’d swallowed the hurt, sucked up his pride, and got on with his life. Like he did with most things. Except his brother.

But Jodi’s departure from his life had hurt far more than he could’ve ever imagined. What had started out as fun had turned into something deeper but, being him, he’d realised that far too late. After he’d lost her. So really she’d done him a favour, saved him from himself. It had been his only foray into something resembling a proper relationship and he’d sucked at it. As he’d known he would. But he’d have liked the opportunity to rectify his mistakes.

But Jodi Hawke didn’t do second chances.

Besides, he knew all about the fickleness of relationships. All relationships, not just the boyfriend/girlfriend ones. Hell, Jodi was just one in a line of people who’d hurt him by disappearing out of his life. Which was why he did the moving on, usually quite quickly. Easier to protect himself that way. But he’d been in love with Jodi—as close to being in love as he’d ever been before or since—and had hung around too long, thinking it might work out. That she might be the one to see past his disillusionment. Of course he hadn’t done anything to try to keep her.

The break-up had been behind his speedy move up to Auckland. He couldn’t stand the thought of bumping into her at any corner within the hospital, in any bar or nightclub in town. Shifting cities had turned into a wise career move that had helped him clear his horrendous student loan and buy himself a modest house. And he’d shown his brother he was also capable of having an outstanding career.

Damn it. Jodi did this to him in a matter of minutes. Brought back the heartache, the guilt and doubts.

Someone knocked on the door and Jodi shot across the room looking completely flustered. Mitch shook his head at her. What the hell was wrong? This timidity was so not Jodi. Something terrible must’ve happened to her in the intervening years. His heart rolled. He might be wary about seeing her again, but if anyone had hurt her they’d better watch out, be prepared to answer to him.

‘Hey, Mitch—oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you had company. I’ll catch you some other time.’ Aaron might be talking to him but his eyes were fixed on Jodi.

Mitch shook his head again, and focused on the guy who ran the night shift in ED. ‘Is everything all right in the department?’ Hopefully it was ripping busy and he could get out of here, go to work and forget his unwanted visitor. Problem or no problem.

Aaron waved a hand through the air. ‘All good, no worries. I was going to read over the terms of the TV company’s visit next week, nothing important.’

How was that for an understatement? None of his staff, including Aaron, were happy about the documentary a national television company was making about life in a busy emergency department, and it fell to him to make it work, even when he agreed with his staff. Visitors in the unit, especially ones the board forced on them, were a pain in the butt, getting in the way, asking crazy questions, upsetting staff and patients. ‘I’ll catch up with you tomorrow sometime.’

‘Sure.’ Aaron took one more appraising look at Jodi before glancing at his watch. ‘You should’ve clocked off hours ago, Mitch. We don’t need you hanging around taking up space.’

Mitch grimaced. Thanks, pal. Go ahead and make Jodi welcome while you’re at it, why don’t you? ‘I’ve got other things to attend to first.’

Aaron raised his eyebrows. ‘Yeah, sure. Weren’t you going to Samantha’s party?’

The party. That’s what had been niggling at his half-baked brain about the time he’d seen Jodi slumped against his door. ‘I’ll be on my way in a moment.’

‘You won’t have missed much. Sam’s parties don’t usually crank up until near midnight.’ Aaron glanced at Jodi, back to him, fixing him with a not-your-usual-type look before slipping out of the office and closing the door noisily.

Closing Jodi in with Mitch. Again. He sucked air, steadied that shaky feeling in his stomach and tried for normal. ‘Want to tell me why you’re here? Because, as you heard, I am busy. I’m meant to be somewhere else.’

She didn’t even say, ‘When aren’t you?’ Which he admitted she had every right to do, that having been the crux of their break-up way back then. Instead, she surprised him. ‘Mitch, can we go somewhere to talk?’ Her gaze clashed with his and she didn’t back off. Something resembling the strength he’d always associated with her slipped into her gaze, pushing that fear sideways. ‘Somewhere quiet where no one will interrupt us.’

There was a warning in her voice that gave him the impression that something terrible was coming. Yet for the life of him he couldn’t imagine what. Whatever it was obviously wouldn’t wait. Which made him want to stall her for as long as possible. He didn’t want to hear her out. Opening his mouth to say no, he said, ‘Just give me a minute while I grab some coffees and tell the night staff to leave us alone. We’ll be undisturbed in here. I see no need to leave the hospital.’ Except those gathering clouds in her eyes.

‘I think you’d prefer to hear what I have to say somewhere else, neutral territory if you like.’ Her bottom lip trembled. ‘With no one you know likely to burst in on us.’

‘As you heard, I’m going out tonight.’ He nodded at his overnight bag against the far wall. ‘I need to shower and change so I’d prefer to get this over right here. Whatever this is.’ Why did he feel such a heel? Could it be the pain darkening those toffee-coloured orbs? Did he have some lingering feelings for her? No, definitely not. Crazy idea. But he should cut her some slack, at least until he’d heard her out. They’d lived together for six months so he owed her that much. ‘So, do you want coffee?’

‘No, thanks. Nothing.’ She dropped onto the spare chair. The fingers she interlaced were white. She looked so tiny, all shrunk in on herself, and when she lifted her head to face him he gasped.

‘Jodi?’ Her eyes stood out like snooker balls against her colourless cheeks. Was she ill? Please, not that. Anything but that. His heart lurched and he had to fight the urge to wrap her up in his arms. Shelter her from whatever was troubling her so much. ‘What’s wrong?’

She swallowed, opened her mouth, and whispered, ‘We have a son. You have a son.’

Wrong, wrong, wrong. That was not how she had meant to inform him. What had happened to easing into telling him about Jamie? She’d been going to explain the situation carefully, one thing at a time, not hit him over the head with a baseball bat. Now he’d never hear her through. The arguments were already building in his eyes.

Nausea roiled up and she gripped the sides of the chair, forcing her stomach to behave. Her teeth bit down hard on her lip, creating pain to focus on. There was nothing she could do to take the words back. There would be no starting again. No second chance. So get on with it, tell him the rest.

He was staring at her as though she’d gone crazy, his head moving from side to side in denial. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘It’s true.’ Again nausea threatened, stronger this time. She had to get this over, tell him everything. But he was already saying something.

‘Jodi, Jodi. I don’t know what’s behind this but your outrageous idea won’t get you anywhere.’ When she opened her mouth to reply he talked right over her. ‘It’s been done before.’

‘What?’

‘You’re not the first woman to try using her child to get me to set her up in a lifestyle she thought was her right.’

‘What?’

‘Last year a nurse from the surgical ward insisted I was the father of her unborn child. Wanted to get married in a hurry before everyone noticed. What she really wanted was the wedding, my wage packet and the supposed fancy house. She played me for a fool. She lied, she lost.’

Where was the rubbish bin? Every office had one somewhere. Her hand over her mouth, Jodi frantically looked around as her stomach threatened to evict the few chicken nuggets she’d eaten earlier.

‘Hey, Jodi? Oh, hell. Here.’ A plastic receptacle appeared under her nose. A hand pressed between her shoulder blades, forcing her over the bin.

Don’t be sick. Don’t. Swallowing the bile in her mouth, she slowly counted to ten, fighting her stomach. Sweat broke out on her forehead. Her hands were clammy. Breathe. In, out. In, out. The nausea began to recede. But she daren’t pull back from that bin just yet. ‘I’m sorry.’

Why was she apologising? And for what? Feeling ill? Because another woman had done the dirty on him? For giving him the news no man liked to hear? She’d hardly started. He hadn’t heard the worst yet. He still didn’t know about Jamie’s illness. That’s when he’d take her seriously. And really hate her. Because he’d understand what she wanted from him.

She lost the argument with her stomach.

CHAPTER THREE

MITCHELL PUT THE rubbish bin in the far corner and covered it with the hand towel hanging beside the basin. Who knew when Jodi might need it again? She looked terrible, pale and shaky, the fingers she gripped some tissues with trembling non-stop. Half the water in the glass he handed her splashed over her jeans.

Returning to his desk, he parked his butt on the edge and folded his arms across his chest. He studied her carefully as she sipped and rinsed her mouth. Looked hard for the Jodi he used to know. Impossible to find behind the un-happiness in those eyes. Not easy to see in her bedraggled appearance. Hadn’t she been looking after herself? If he’d thought she’d been white before, he’d been totally wrong.

A tiny knot of fear formed in his gut. What if she was telling him the truth? Jodi never dodged bullets; always told it like she saw it. So wouldn’t she have told him about a baby right from the get-go? Wouldn’t she? Maybe not. She’d always been fiercely independent.

Not to mention the memory now flashing across his brain of how she’d called him the most unreliable man on the planet when it came to devoting time to her or anyone not involved in his work. Had even gone so far as to call him selfish. So she’d expect the same of him when it came to their child. At the time, her frank appraisal had stung. Honest to the point of being brutal. That was Jodi. And right now he’d swear that same honesty was blinking out at him.

He tried to dampen the sarcasm. He really did. ‘You turn up here after all this time to tell me I’m a father. Do you honestly think I’m about to believe you without knowing more? Come on, I might not be top of your favourite people list but you also know I’m not stupid. If you were pregnant, why did you kick me out? I’d have been the gravy train.’

He stood up and headed for the door. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do it.

You’re running away, big boy.

Yeah, well, it hurt to think she’d even consider him fool enough to believe her. Hadn’t she got it? Way back? Got that he didn’t do commitment or that for ever stuff?

Wake up. That’s probably why she never told you she was pregnant. ‘What took you so long to tell me?’ He ground the words out.

‘I tried to tell you.’

‘How come I missed that?’

Her finger picked at her jeans. ‘I phoned the flat you moved to a few times but you were never there, night or day. I didn’t want to spring it on you in front of your colleagues in the ED. But finally I gave up thinking like that and tracked you down at work.’

The hairs rose on the back of his neck. He knew what was coming. Hell, damn, double damn. Once again he’d blown it—big time.

‘You were well and truly absorbed in a nurse. That was some steamy kiss going on in the sluice room. Her arms must’ve taken a month to unwind from around you.’ Anger and hurt blended to turn her voice sad and low. ‘You’d got over me so fast I wondered if you’d even remembered my name.’

Embarrassment made him squirm. ‘It was deliberate. To make you think I didn’t care. I saw you come into the department.’ He sounded like a fifteen-year-old. Actually, that was insulting all teens.

Jodi gaped at him. ‘You did what?’

‘Yes, well, it kind of upset me when you kicked me out but I had no intention of showing you that.’ If only he’d known why Jodi had come looking for him that day. Would it have made any difference? He’d like to think he’d have stepped up to the mark.

She was shaking her head at him. ‘Do you know what that stupid act did? The anguish it caused?’ She spluttered to a stop, twisted her fingers around each other and stared at her feet.

‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But be fair, I had no idea why you were there. You still could’ve insisted on talking to me.’

‘I went away to think it all through. That took a lot longer than I’d expected.’ Did she mutter ‘Months longer’ under her breath?

He felt beyond terrible. Despite everything he’d heard, that knot of fear hadn’t evaporated at all. But what happened now? What did he say? Do?

Jodi’s voice wobbled but her words were loud and clear. ‘Trust me, I wouldn’t be telling you now if I could avoid it.’

Stopping in mid-stride, he spun back to her. ‘Hey, I certainly didn’t ask for this. I’m not the one making you spill the beans.’ But I am the one behaving badly. Hear her out before showing her the door. It might be quicker and easier that way. And if there was something he could do for her then he’d do it just to show there were no hard feelings. Sure you’re not remembering how much you liked Jodi before she sent you packing? Sure you don’t want to make amends just a little bit for treating her so offhandedly back then? For kissing that dazzling blonde whose name you can’t recall?

I was looking out for myself.

Excuses, excuses.

Jodi pulled herself upright and still looked small. But fighting hard. Like she wasn’t about to give up on this in a hurry. A mother protecting her child?

That twist of fear grew bigger.

‘Mitchell, we can go the DNA route if you want proof Jamie is yours. But I think I can persuade you with this.’

His gaze was glued to her as she slid her hand inside the back pocket of her jeans. As she began withdrawing a cellphone, a sudden landslide of emotion engulfed him. He knew without seeing whatever she was about to show him that finally everything he’d ever done, all the deliberate plans to remain unattached to anyone for ever had just come completely undone.

He did know Jodi. Knew she’d never pull a stunt like this on anyone. Knew how she would not have hesitated to bring a child up on her own. Knew that she’d love that child more than life itself. All the arguing in his head couldn’t change that.

Her hand shook violently as she held the opened phone out, a photo shining at him. ‘This is Jamie. Your boy.’

He stared and stared at that phone, unable to reach for it because the moment he did he was finished. Life had come full circle on him. He’d spent years perfecting avoidance of commitment. Even his town house was just a building to sleep and shower in. His mouth was drier than a summer wind. His insides tossed and turned as though in a tumble dryer.

‘Mitch, take it. Please.’ A tear oozed from the corner of her eye.

He had always been able to turn a blind eye to women’s tears. Until now. That solitary drop of water inching down her cheek arrowed straight to his heart. Jodi. Jamie.

His fingers weren’t steady, probably never would be again. The phone slipped through her hand and his to the carpeted floor. Jodi didn’t move to pick it up, sat there peering up at him with those stricken eyes. Finally he reached down, swooped it up, turned it the right way round and, with a suck of air, met his son.

He stared at his own reflection. At least, that’s what it looked like. The eyes looking out at him were the same shade of blue he saw in the mirror every time he shaved. The only difference about the straight dark hair was the style. Slightly too long and wild. The generous grin with even, white teeth; the straight, pointed nose. Even the ‘to hell with the world’ attitude in the little lad’s stance. This was himself thirty-three years ago.

But this photo. The modern background and clothes. This was different. Not even he could deny this boy was his.

Jamie was his son. He was a dad. Oh, my God.

‘Mitchell?’ His name hiccupped off Jodi’s lips.

‘Why now? Why not three years ago?’ He swallowed the bitter comments hovering on his tongue. He mightn’t want to be a father, or to even know he was one, but she should’ve told him, given him the choice of what to do about the situation. Except Jodi knew him all too well, had known he’d resist with every fibre in his body. What had changed her mind about telling him?