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There’d been a lot of starting over during the last two years. Which might explain this sinking sadness pulling at her. As if she was being tested to see if this was what she really wanted.
Yes, she did. As she had every other move. And every time the excitement and certainty had run its course and left her confused and a little more lost. But this time she was back home where she belonged for good. This was where her family was, her best friend, her past: the good and the ugly. It had to work out or she had no idea what else to do with herself. She had to accept once and for all that she would never have her own baby.
‘Ready to go, Steph?’ Kath appeared in her line of sight.
‘More than.’ She almost choked on the words. The need to be busy doing something—anything—was beginning to suffocate her. ‘Good to see you again, Michael.’
She acknowledged the man beside her, ignored the disappointment filling his eyes, and headed to the ambulance bay without a backward glance. The only safe way to go. She’d got that first meeting out of the way—now she could move forward, box ticked. But first she needed to pull herself together and look the part of a happy woman tearing through life like there was no tomorrow.
* * *
Michael stared after Stephanie, absorbing the protectiveness he’d felt for her the moment he’d laid eyes on her, wanting to banish whatever had caused all that hurting going on, knowing he couldn’t unless he was prepared to let her close.
Stephanie Roberts really was back in town. Rumour had warned him—reality frightened him. He’d been prepared as much as possible to see her, had been ready to say Hi, how’s things? and get on with his day. He hadn’t been expecting the slam of recognition from his body at the sight of her, the intense longing for her to be at his side, with him throughout...everything.
What he wanted now was to wipe away that pain, bring on a smile full of warmth—not that tight I-am-not-hiding-anything grimace that actually hid nothing. Forget staying uninvolved. At least until she was smiling again.
What’s wrong, Steph? What happened to throw you against that wall like you couldn’t stand up by yourself?
He knew her as a strong woman who didn’t buckle easily. Or so he’d believed. Something had undermined that strength today.
His jaw clenched. Tension rippled through his muscles. Did her mouth still tip up higher on the left side when she gave a genuine, big-hearted smile? He’d thought he’d conquered those sweet memories of how he wanted to sing and dance when she smiled. Of how her toffee eyes were easier to read than a toddler’s book. Of how calm he felt around her.
She’d never asked anything of him—except to go to a football match with her which, when interpreted, had meant have a future together. That had scared the pants off him and had had him hauling on the brakes fast. Getting in too deep hadn’t been an option. He hadn’t been able to give her the certainty she deserved, the ‘for ever’ she wanted.
Yet five minutes standing beside her, worrying about what was wrong, and it was as though the mantra he lived by had vamoosed.
He shook his hands, flexed his fingers, worked the tension out of his gut. There hadn’t been a lot of ease between him and Stephanie just now. Nor a lot of smiling. Stephanie’s eyes, laden with sadness—or was that despair?—and the colour draining from her cheeks had been like a rugby tackle around his knees.
Had she made the wrong choice when she’d swapped scrubs for a paramedic’s uniform and that was what was getting to her? No, there was depth to that sadness—close to deep pain. That didn’t come from changing jobs...not even for dedicated Stephanie.
Why aren’t you back here working with me, Stephanie? Us? When did you cut off all that long, thick blonde hair?
‘How’ve you been? Really?’ he asked her shadow as she turned the corner into the ambulance bay.
He’d missed her.
Not that he was admitting it. No way in hell.
A recollection of gremlins haunting her on bad days nagged at him. Shame he couldn’t recall the story of what had gone down in her life before he’d joined the department. He had an aversion to rumours and liked facts. And today the key to all this was there, swinging just out of reach. To catch it he had to follow up on today and track her down for a catch-up.
Or he could wait, since they’d be bumping into each regularly if she was operating out of the local St John base. So, no catch-up needed—which meant he could dodge a bullet.
They’d worked well together, had been friendly, and apart from those intoxicating two weeks had had little to do with each other outside of the ED. Best it was left like that. She’d handed in her notice a fortnight after they’d split and he’d felt uneasy ever since. As though he’d lost the one chance of real happiness he’d had because he hadn’t been prepared to put the past behind him and take a stand.
‘Shouldn’t you be knocking off?’ James, head of the next shift, nudged him. ‘Unless you’ve got nothing better to do than hang around staring after Stephanie Roberts—which surprises me.’
Why? Any man with blood in his veins would be doing the same—which kind of said James had ink in his. Something to be grateful for.
‘I’m on my way.’
Not that he had anything planned for the night. Doing his washing didn’t count, and getting some groceries would take care of all of twenty minutes. Both his close mates were tied up with babies and wives and apparent domestic bliss. Lucky guys.
It’s all yours for the taking if you want it.
He didn’t. One divorce was one too many on his life CV. Besides, there were already more than enough complications going down outside of work that left no time for him to care about anyone else. But...
The word was drawn out. But sometimes he wished he was going home to someone special—someone to love and be loved by with no qualification. Instantly Stephanie came to mind.
Jerking his head up, he snapped at James, ‘Have a busy night. Catch you tomorrow.’
Immediately he felt a heel. If this was what briefly seeing Stephanie did then he couldn’t manage spending any more time with her. He’d be a wreck within hours.
Charging through the department to his locker as if he had the ball and was being chased by the opposition forward pack, he snatched up his jacket and the keys to his motorbike. A spin over the harbour bridge in the chill winter air might cool his brain and freeze Stephanie out. And if it didn’t? Then he was in for a long night.
Once upon a time Monday nights meant drinks with the guys after rugby practice at the clubroom. Now it tended to be pizza delivery and catching up on emails and other scintillating stuff at home. Of course he got an earful of noise from his mates for being the only one still single. Jock and Max could never leave him to get on with his perfectly ordered life. They loved getting in his face about it too much.
The idea of pizza didn’t excite him today. Truth? It had stopped being exciting after the fourth Monday in a row—about two years back. But he wasn’t being picky if the alternative meant cooking something. Though the steak in his fridge would make a tasty change... Nah. Then there’d be dishes to do.
‘I see Steph’s become a paramedic.’
James was still with him, digging into his locker as well, apparently in the mood for talking.
‘Wonder why she’s gone to the other side?’
Michael hoped it wasn’t because she couldn’t work with him any more. But that was more likely his ego getting in the way of common sense. Whatever the reason, he should be glad she hadn’t returned to this department as a nurse, despite his wishing she had.
Working together was not an option when she tipped him off his pedestal too easily.
‘Crewing ambulances isn’t too far removed from the emergency department. Still the same patients, the same urgency and caring.’
The same sadness when something went belly-up. Could it just be that she was insecure about her ability? He wasn’t accepting that. Not from Stephanie Roberts.
‘But she was made to be an ED nurse.’ James looked puzzled. ‘Then again, we haven’t seen her in a while, so who knows what’s gone down in her life recently?’
Nothing awful, he hoped.
‘She’s not the first to take a change in vocation. There are days I wish I’d stuck to my rugby career, though my body is eternally grateful I didn’t.’
His half-sisters hadn’t been so thrilled at the change either, when it had dawned on them that he had less time and money to sort their problems.
‘You were good enough for a full-time career?’
The stunned look on James’s face had Michael laughing—and swallowing an unexpected mouthful of nostalgia.
‘You’d better believe it. I played franchise rugby for over two years. I was out on the wing until a heavy knock resulting in a second moderate concussion had me thinking that if I wanted to be a doctor after the rugby inevitably came to an end then I needed to look out for my brain. So I handed in my boots.’
He hadn’t been able to afford the risk of not having all his faculties in working order when he’d had other responsibilities needing his undivided attention. His half-sisters were his priority—had been since the day his father had extracted his promise to be the man around the place and look after them and their mother when he was thirteen, and from the way things were going, always would be.
Chantelle, in particular, made big enough messes with her life. What she’d have done if anything had happened to him was anyone’s guess. One that he no longer thought about. Instead he’d just accepted his role to be there for both of them continuously, to save them whenever things went wrong—as they did far too often with Chantelle. Thankfully Carly seemed settled in her new life in England. Strange how she’d managed to sort herself out once he hadn’t been there to support her... Their mother had taken off overseas so there was no having her to sort out.
‘No regrets?’
He didn’t need this conversation, but he’d been short with James and wanted to negate anything bad.
‘Some—but there’d have been a lot more if I’d suffered serious head injuries.’ Playing such a physical sport always had its issues. ‘Quitting was the right call.’
At first he’d missed the team camaraderie and the thrill of winning a hard-fought-for game, but he still had his two closest mates and it hadn’t taken him long to get into his stride studying to become a doctor. He’d had plenty of practice helping his half-sisters out of the mischief and chaos they’d got into, so extending that help into a medical career where he dealt with vulnerable people daily—hourly—was natural. Which was why losing a patient despite giving everything he had in the tank always hurt.
Stephanie’s earlier sadness had twisted his gut. She’d know those babies would now be tucked into incubators with monitors attached to their tiny bodies while specialists worked their butts off to save them. Yet he suspected she still needed a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to walk it out with, talk it through with—except, being her, there probably wouldn’t be much talking.
What time did her shift finish?
Leave it alone. Stay uninvolved.
But he owed her. She’d been there for him when Jacob Brown had died in his hands. She’d listened without lecturing, she’d walked beside him as he dashed around the city for hours and had limped for days afterwards. She’d kissed him to the point when he didn’t know where he began and ended. She’d fallen into his bed as eagerly as he’d taken her there.
Definitely stay away.
It had been two years. She wouldn’t be the same woman. Must have another man in her life, in her bed by now.
Anger flared.
Down, boy. You have no rights here. You sent her packing.
If there was someone special he should be pleased. She’d be able to talk out what was bothering her tonight.
The anger only increased, and he felt his hands clenched at his sides, his abs drawn tight.
Go—ride over the bridge, head north for an hour. Turn off the brain. Then order pizza.
Man or no man in her life, Stephanie had family and friends here. He knew that much from the past. She’d be fine. Better off if it wasn’t him hanging around like a dog after a bone. He might make a mistake and touch her again. He still burned with the need to hug her that had floored him the moment he’d first seen her pressed up against the wall as though she could no longer hold herself together.
Hell. He had not given her what she needed. He’d let her go without a word. Without a hug. Without an honest-to-goodness Glad to see you and I want to help you smile. Just like last time.
Wise move for him.
Unkind and unfair on her.
CHAPTER TWO
STEPH SLIPPED INTO her jacket with a grateful sigh. The ambulance was restocked for the night crew. Six o’clock had clicked over on her watch. Definitely time to be someplace else.
Only that meant picking up something from the supermarket to take back to the house to heat and eat while watching the second instalment of the thriller she’d recorded last weekend.
A night on her own wasn’t appealing after the day she’d had. If only her brother and Jill weren’t away on their extended honeymoon she’d go and hassle them and talk about random stuff that had nothing to do with babies or Michael.
For a moment her mood lightened. She still struggled to get her head around her brother marrying her best friend. Their relationship was grounded in history and love. A lot of love.
Stepping outside, she gasped as cold, damp air dumped on her. The Italian summer she’d enjoyed last month seemed for ever ago. The zip on her jacket pinched her chin when she tugged it high. When had this drizzle started? It had been dry on their last call-out—but then it had been dark and she hadn’t been weather-watching.
‘Hi, Stephanie.’
Only one person called her Stephanie. Usually she didn’t like it, thought it too formal, but in that particular deep, husky voice it was more than okay. Or was that only because she was feeling so out of whack?
‘Michael.’
‘You’re done for the day?’
‘Yes, thank goodness.’
The need to be busy had long disappeared, leaving her drained and despondent. Glancing around the car park she saw him standing at the open driver’s door of a shiny hatchback—nothing like what she’d expected him to be driving. Too domestic. Did he still own a motorbike?
‘It’s been a long day.’
That was telling him too much. From deep inside, she dredged up a smile, denied the tightness those long legs and toned thighs filling his jeans created in her toes.
‘Have you been loitering around the ambulance station?’
‘Yep.’ He grinned cheekily. ‘I tried walking in but this place is like a fort.’
‘We can’t let in just anyone—especially doctors with nothing better to do with their time.’
What was Michael doing here? Surely he hadn’t stopped by to say hello to her?
‘Not sure if you know, but those babies are hanging in there, doing as well as can be expected. I phoned PICU as I was leaving for the day.’
He’d come to tell her that? Seriously? Mr Non-Involved had found out the most important news for her.
‘No one would tell me a thing because I’m not related. I was desperate to know how they were doing.’ Careful. ‘That’s fantastic.’ Definitely better than the alternative.
‘There are some advantages with my position.’
His grin was now a soft smile, winding around her like a cloud of kindness.
‘Want some company for a bit? Talk some? Up to you.’
Amazement stopped her feet from moving forward, stalled her brain. He’d offered that to the woman he’d once told he didn’t want anything more to do with outside of work? The man was still single. Or so she’d heard from one of the ED nurses. Not that she’d been asking...
Come on. He’s hot, popular and fun. There’s single, and then there’s single with a woman on his arm.
There’d always been a queue of women waiting for his attention. Gorgeous young women who could have babies. Not a thirty-two-year-old with a chip on her shoulder bigger than the crater on Mount Ruapehu, who hadn’t been able to conceive with her ex no matter how often they’d tried.
You promised to leave all this behind and start over when you returned home. One bad day doesn’t give you reason to go back on that.
Yeah, yeah.
‘I’ll take a rain-check.’
Wimp.
‘I need to get out of my uniform, then eat something.’ Now that her stomach had settled down to normal it was hinting that grub would be good.
‘If food’s what you’re wanting it’s pizza night.’
He wasn’t begging, nor pushing too hard. He was saying she was welcome to share a meal if she wanted. And talk if she needed.
That was not happening.
‘Pizza night? Because it’s Monday?’
Michael nodded and gave a wry smile. ‘Tuesday’s Thai.’
Steph couldn’t help it. She laughed. So much for keeping her distance. ‘Cooking not your thing?’
‘Always seems a bit pointless when it’s only for me.’
‘I can relate to that.’ Definitely still single.
He locked his eyes on her. ‘Well? Join me? You can jump in and I’ll call you a cab when you’re ready to go home.’
She hesitated. It was so tempting.
Oh, get real. You came home to face up to Michael, work him out of your system once and for ever. So start now.
While one half of her brain was raving the other side thought spending some downtime with this man might not be the wisest thing to do. Especially tonight, when her emotions were already ragged.
‘My car’s right here.’
The sporty little number had been her big indulgence the day she’d arrived back in town. All part of the statement she’d made about settling down for good. Every time she climbed into the car it was a reminder of that. Some days it made her happy. Today she wasn’t so sure she’d done the right thing.
‘Then follow me.’
She hadn’t forgotten where he lived. How could she with all those memories of what they’d got up to in his house?
Opening his car door, he paused. ‘I’m not going to pressure you into talking about something you’d prefer not to, Stephanie. Chilling out after something that obviously upset you today could be cathartic. That’s all.’
He was offering to do for her what she’d done for him when he’d been cut up over losing that little boy. Her chest squeezed painfully. Why not? He would do that for anyone, because he knew what they’d be feeling, thinking, wanting.
Anyone, Steph, not just you.
Which was why she answered with, ‘I’ll be right behind you.’
She could always take a wrong turn if she changed her mind in the next few minutes.
Except the pull of hot food that she didn’t have to prepare—meaning throw in the microwave—was hard to ignore. Her empty house would be cold. More than that, the idea of company for an hour or two was impossible to refuse. Especially Michael’s company.
A car turned into the parking lot, its headlights swishing across Michael’s car, showing what she’d been too busy focusing on him to notice. In the back was a child’s car seat with a small child strapped in to it—which explained the family wagon.
Was that why Michael had aborted their fling back when she’d fallen for him? He’d already had a woman in his life? The mother of his child?
Her stomach clenched. But he’d said no commitment and claimed he was happy on his own. Interesting. Confusing. And the end to the idea of sharing pizza.
‘Sorry—change of plan. I think you’ve already got enough people in your life without adding me to the mix.’
A frown appeared. Then he saw the direction her eyes had taken. ‘You haven’t met Aaron yet.’
‘Very smart of you.’
It could be Michael Junior, for all she cared. She wasn’t getting caught up in anything that involved another woman in his life—not even for some cathartic relaxation.
‘Best I head away.’
His sigh carried across the wet concrete. ‘Aaron’s my nephew. I’ve just picked him up from daycare. We often hang out together in my house when I’m not at work. We’d love some company.’ He stopped, his body more tense than it had been a moment ago. ‘Okay, I’d like your company.’
He sure knew how to ramp up the pressure.
Or was it that she didn’t know how to resist those friendly eyes filled with concern for her? Could it be that Michael was not quite as confident with women as he made himself out to be? Or was that just with her?
He hadn’t often taken advantage of that queue of willing women, she recalled. Then again, it had been a while since she’d seen him and anything could have happened to change him.
Stop overthinking things.
What harm would a couple of hours’ eating and chatting cause? It wasn’t as though she was signing up for life. No, she was getting over him for life.
‘Lead on.’
Her heart was safe, she assured herself. He’d already rejected her and they wouldn’t be going back over old ground.
Her sigh was long and slow. Getting over him had seemed straightforward when she’d left Auckland. She wasn’t falling for that trick this time. It was going to take time and patience and toughness—starting with spending time with him.
* * *
‘Bugsy’s gone!’ Aaron hollered at the top of his lungs.
How could such a small body create so much noise?
‘We’re nearly home, buddy. I’ll get him for you then.’ Michael took a quick look in the rearview mirror at the following headlights. Stephanie?
A streetlight shone on the red paintwork of the racy little number that she drove. Surprise lifted his mood. Gave him a warm, fuzzy moment. As if he needed a woman’s attention...
Stephanie isn’t just any woman.
Therein lay his problem. He helped others—did not expect the same in return. When he’d promised his father to look out for his half-sisters he’d believed his dad would love him more. Wrong. His father loved each of them—but not enough to stay around.
Likewise his ex-wife. She’d told him he’d failed her, hadn’t lived up to the promises he’d made on their wedding day. He still didn’t understand that—unless she’d meant he hadn’t been supposed to change careers and move away from the fame and glamour of rugby to a set of ugly scrubs.
‘I want Bugsy now!’
Ouch. His ears hurt. It used to be better when Aaron couldn’t talk.
‘Quieten down, buddy. I can’t reach him while I’m driving so you’ll have to wait.’
Reasoning with this lad was pointless, but he kept trying day in, day out, in the hope that eventually Aaron would start to understand that not everything would go his way all the time. Not that it helped when his half-sister immediately undid all his work by spoiling the kid rotten. It should be his role as uncle to spoil him, but someone had to be the sensible one in this family and it seemed the cap was made for him.
‘Bugsy! Bugsy! Bugsy!’
It would have been funny if the stuffed monkey’s name hadn’t got louder with each utterance and tiny feet hadn’t been pummelling the back of Michael’s seat.
He chose to ignore the outburst. They usually didn’t last long, and tonight he wasn’t in the mood for an argument that would go nowhere. Tonight he wanted to indulge himself for a change. To allow some ‘me’ time with Stephanie. Not that he intended anything more than catching up on what she’d been up to since heading to Queenstown—and maybe learning why she was now a paramedic and not doing the job she’d loved so much.