- -
- 100%
- +
Grady winced as if she’d struck him. “I know he died. Do you really think I’m capable of forgetting that?” His Adam’s apple bobbed with a heavy swallow. “Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but if you try, if you go along with me on this, it might be—”
“Might be what? Painful? Yes! Sad? Yes!” Overwhelming and scary and way, way more than she could handle? Oh, God, yes. Another round of despair pressed in, reinforcing her surety that being with Grady was impossible. “I can’t choose gifts with Cody in mind and give them to someone else! I can’t think about how he would be at this age, or what he would want for Christmas…or…or…”
She bit her lip harder, willing the tears to recede. Grady continued to hold her hand, his eyes never leaving hers. A million and one heartbreaking minutes passed before he said, “Okay, I get it. You’re not ready for this. I’m sorry I brought it up.” His shoulders lifted in a heavy shrug. “I thought it might help. I hoped… Hell, it doesn’t matter. We can do something else.”
“No. We can’t do something else. I need to go home.” She tried to yank her hand out of his grip, but couldn’t. “Let go of me,” she said between clenched teeth, trying to hold back the gush of tears she felt coming.
“Please stay,” he said again. “We don’t have to discuss Cody or what happened last night, but I don’t want you to leave when you’re this upset. Let’s spend the day together. We can go see a movie or visit my folks. They’re always asking about you.”
She shook her head, not trusting herself enough to talk.
“If you leave, it’s like we’re taking one step forward and two steps backward. Let’s not do that. Let’s keep moving forward.” Grady’s voice was even and calm, but each word held the strength of his love, of his conviction that they should be together.
She held her eyes wide open, refusing to blink. The heavy weight of anger dissipated, changing to fear. Not of Grady. Never of him. But of what he wanted. Of what she couldn’t give him. “We are as far back as we can get. There is no moving forward, Grady. I…I haven’t changed my mind about the divorce. I’m sorry for leading you on—” her voice caught as an unwanted sob emerged “—I didn’t mean to lead you on, but I still want a divorce.”
Grady sat so still, she wasn’t sure if he was breathing. But then, “You didn’t act like we were making a mistake last night. You had plenty of opportunity to slam on the brakes.” Frustration deepened his voice. “Don’t do this.”
“I have to.” She tugged her hand, and he let go. “I don’t regret last night, Grady. It was wonderful in…in so many ways. I regret confusing the situation between us…but that’s my fault. My mistake. I’m sorry you thought last night meant—”
“I didn’t know what it meant! But I sure as hell didn’t think it meant nothing.”
“I know. My fault,” she repeated. She hated hurting him, but didn’t see a way around it. “It meant something. Of course it did! Just not what you’d like. I really am sorry. So sorry.”
“Is this really it, Olly? No turning back here.” He held himself stiff and straight, as if pulling all of his strength together to shield himself from her. “You want a divorce?”
Olivia drew in a breath and fastened her eyes on his. “Yes, Grady. I do.”
“You’re sure?” he demanded. “Be very sure, Olivia.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “I’m sure.”
His shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes for a millisecond. With a weary, defeated-sounding sigh, he said, “Fine. I can’t keep fighting you on this. I’ll find an attorney.”
More shocked than relieved to hear his agreement,
Olivia said, “You will?”
“I will.” He looked away. In a lower tone, he said, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For driving the car our son died in.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she said thickly. He didn’t respond, just pointed his gaze toward the door, his message clear. He wanted her to leave. Who could blame him?
She found her shoes and fumbled, nearly falling when she put them on. Opening the door to his apartment seemed to take far more strength than it should. Or, at least, far more strength than she had. Just before stepping outside, she whispered, “I don’t blame you, Grady. I blame me. I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“I can’t hear you, Olivia. What did you say?” Grady said.
“I said…goodbye. Just goodbye.” She pushed herself out, letting the door slam behind her. The air outside was colder than she expected. So cold, she wouldn’t have been surprised if her tears froze on their path down her cheeks.
“So that’s it, huh?” Grady’s younger-by-two-years brother, Jace, asked from his seat across from Grady. They were eating an early dinner at a local fifties-style diner. Well, Jace was doing most of the eating. Grady was mostly brooding. “Whatever happened to your not-all-alternatives-have-been-exhausted argument?”
“They haven’t. But I can’t force Olivia to try.” Grady shrugged in a vain attempt to appear unaffected by the last twenty-four hours. “So yeah, that’s it.”
Jace stuffed a few French fries into his mouth, then washed them down with a swig of soda before replying, “That sucks. But I can’t say that I’m surprised.”
Grady stared at his brother in mild annoyance. “That’s some empathy you’ve got going there. You should quit your job at the paper and become a talk-show host.”
“What are you talking about?” To give him credit, Jace looked truly bewildered. “I said it sucks. It does.”
“Nice, Jace. My marriage is over and that’s the best you have? Even for you, that’s a little cold.”
“Not cold. It’s realistic,” Jace said in a firm voice. “I’m sorry for you, but you gotta know that your marriage ended a while ago. At least now, you’re not hanging on in blind hope. Frankly, you’re better off.”
Grady gave his brother a hard stare. “Explain yourself.”
“You’re not happy. From what you’ve told me, Olivia isn’t happy, either. The two of you have been stuck in limbo for years. You need to move past this.” Jace tossed him his trademark grin. The one that had always served as a get-out-of-jail-free card when they were growing up. “Onward and upward. You deserve to find some happiness. That’s all I meant.”
Grady swallowed his annoyance. Jace was unencumbered by love and was about as far away from touchy-feely as a guy could get. He also didn’t mince words. Which, if Grady was honest with himself, was the reason he’d called Jace to begin with. Tonight, the last thing he needed was touchy-feely. “You have a point,” he conceded. “I do want Olivia to be happy again, and I’m obviously not helping in that regard.”
“She’s not helping, either. You’re miserable.” Jace wolfed down the rest of his burger before turning a hungry gaze on Grady’s. “You gonna eat that?”
Grady shoved his plate forward. “Nope. Go for it.”
“Thanks.” Jace swapped their plates, saying, “I think I will.”
Except for the rumble of other folks chattering at nearby tables, the next few minutes were filled with silence. Shock that he was giving up on his marriage made every muscle in his body ache. But enough was enough. What other option did he have? There was a damn fine line between being hopeful and becoming desperate. He’d already gotten closer to that line than he cared for, but he refused to cross it.
But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel idiotic. He knew his wife well, and last night wasn’t a meaningless romp. Waking up that morning with Olly’s legs entwined with his and her head on his chest had given him a sense of rightness in the world that had been missing for too long. It wasn’t complete. Nothing would ever feel complete again…not without Cody. But damn, being with his wife again had felt good.
Divorce. The word chewed through his gut like acid. So yeah, as ineloquent as his brother’s statement was, Jace was correct. This sucked.
“Don’t beat yourself up too much. Hell, from what I can see, most women are contrary, often self-indulgent and experts at playing games with men,” Jace said, as if reading Grady’s thoughts, albeit a slightly convoluted version of them. “Most of them are just plain crazy.”
“Olivia isn’t like that. The accident changed her…changed us. It isn’t her fault she can barely stand to look at me now.”
Jace’s hand stilled in the air. “Don’t go down that road. You didn’t cause that accident. If she blames you for that—”
“She insists she doesn’t,” Grady said. “But that wasn’t what I meant. I remind her too much of Cody. Every damn time I’m in the same room with her, she looks at me and sees him. Can’t blame her for that.”
Jace leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest, his food apparently forgotten. “She isn’t the only person who lost a son. You did, too. Mom and Dad lost their only grandchild, and Seth and I,” Jace said, referring to the youngest brother in the Foster clan, who was currently deployed out of the country, “lost our nephew. There’s a world of hurt here. It sort of seems as if Olivia is only thinking of herself and what she has lost.”
His brother’s words, no matter how honest and heartfelt they were, irritated Grady. “You’re not calling my wife selfish, are you? Yes, you and Seth and Mom and Dad all loved Cody, but it isn’t the same. You can’t know what this feels like, and I hope you never do.”
“Not selfish,” Jace said quickly. “But you have to admit that Olivia has closed herself off from the family. None of us have talked to her in well over a year. Mom and Dad miss her, too.” His voice lowered. “Look, I like Olivia. I always have. And I am sick over what you two have gone through. But hell, Grady—what about you? Has she tried to comfort you? Has she tried to be as present in your life as you have in hers?”
Grady didn’t answer for a second. In the beginning, right after the accident, she had. They’d tried to comfort each other, had turned to each other, but shortly after the funeral, she’d retreated to a place that Grady couldn’t reach. “I don’t think she knows how.”
“Maybe. But that doesn’t make her lack of trying right. And it doesn’t help you move on, now does it?”
There was some truth there, Grady admitted to himself. Even so, moving on without Olivia didn’t appeal. Sure, visualizing a life without her was possible. Eventually, he’d find a balance and would create a life that made sense. Knowing this, though, didn’t make the prospect any easier to choke down. “It is what it is.”
“It’ll get easier. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but it will,” Jace promised.
The sympathy in Jace’s eyes surprised him. “Don’t look now, but my brother has a heart,” Grady teased. “That was bordering on touchy-feely. Maybe you should give that talk-show-host gig a shot.”
“Nah. I’m good. My column is doing well and the paper lets me do almost anything I want.” Jace tipped his glass and fished out an ice cube. “Can’t ask for much more than that.”
“That will kill your teeth,” Grady said when Jace stuck the ice in his mouth and chomped down. “Hasn’t your dentist taught you anything? Women won’t find you nearly as attractive with a mouthful of broken teeth.”
“Hockey players seem to do okay.” Jace became preoccupied with folding his napkin into tiny squares. “Besides, I’m too busy at work and at the house to date much these days.”
Even if his brother hadn’t avoided eye contact, Grady still wouldn’t have believed him. Jace, with his boyish good looks and ramped-up charisma, was a woman magnet. Hollywood would make bundles if they created a reality show based around Jace’s extreme dating lifestyle. “You’re too busy to date? Right. Tell me another story.”
“I’m serious.” Picking up his unused fork, Jace tapped it against the table, making a rat-a-tat-tat sound. “And it’s not a big deal, so just drop it.”
Grady laughed, believing Jace was joking, and fully expecting him to join in. When his brother remained straight-faced, Grady clamped his jaw shut. He was serious? “Whoa. What’s up with that? I’ve never known you to be too busy for women.”
Jace lifted his shoulders in a stiff shrug.
Curious about his brother’s odd behavior, Grady took a leap. “Have you finally met a woman who refuses to be the flavor of the week?”
“She won’t even date me,” Jace muttered, clicking the fork harder against the speckled laminate tabletop. “Shoots me down every time I ask. It’s exasperating.”
“Shoots you down, eh? I never thought the day would come. Who is she?”
Bright splotches of red colored Jace’s cheeks. “Someone I work with. No one special.”
“Well, you’re wrong there.” Grady took in his brother’s pinched expression. “You’re also clueless. A woman who halts your speed-dating lifestyle cannot be described as ‘no one special.’ Why won’t she date you?”
“She thinks I’m a playboy.” The admission was made in a flat tenor, as if Jace couldn’t care less. But his tense body language made it clear how very much he did care. “You are a playboy,” Grady pointed out. “Anyone who spends more than fifteen minutes with you can see that. So what are you going to do about it?”
“I’m working on that.” Jace frowned and a light of anxiety, or maybe it was embarrassment, whisked over him. “Just forget it, okay? Let’s talk about something else.”
Grady wanted to press harder, but decided not to. Some things a man had to figure out on his own. “Sure. You said something about the house.” Jace had bought a fixer-upper a couple of years ago with the intent of flipping the house to make a profit. The slowdown of the economy combined with the fact that Jace loved the location had changed his mind. “Are you finally renovating the place?”
Jace tossed him a grateful smile. “I am. The problem is I tear stuff out and then move on to another room without finishing what I started. Maybe you can swing by and help one of these weekends?”
“Sure.” Grady swallowed a chuckle. “Though, if you tear down the entire house and need a place to stay, I have a fairly comfortable couch.”
“It won’t come to that, but thanks.” Jace rubbed one hand over his face and sighed. “I need to take off. I have a column to finish and a couple hours’ work planned on the house. You gonna be okay?”
Grady nodded. “One word of advice and I’ll leave your women problems alone. If you think you could really love this woman, then she’s worth fighting for. If you’re not a playboy, prove that to her. If you’re serious about her, then show her that.”
“Yeah, well…I’m trying.” Jace pulled some bills from his wallet and tossed them on the table. “Dinner’s on me, seeing as I ate most of it.”
Grady watched his brother amble from the restaurant. Seeing Jace like this took Grady back to the moment when he’d finally come to terms with how important Olivia was to him. On some level, he’d known that he’d fallen for her fast, but he hadn’t truly realized it until an early autumn morning about six months into their relationship.
She’d stayed the night at his place, and he’d woken up first. He’d stared at her, wondering what demons—real or imagined—made her sleep with her entire body crunched defensively into a ball and her arms shielded over her head. A protective instinct roared to life inside of him. An intrinsic yet indefinable something had altered within him at that very second. And, for better or for worse, he hadn’t been the same since.
Not quite ready to leave and go home to his apartment, he motioned for the waitress with his empty cup. In a very real way, he envied Jace. Sure, this woman—whoever she was—might not prove to be anything more than a passing interest, but at this moment, Jace had possibilities that Grady did not.
He wanted those possibilities back, so he went through the previous night and that morning again, remembering every word…every action…every feeling that being with Olivia had stirred up. If only he could find a way to work past the hard shell she’d erected around herself. If only he could find a way to reach her.
The waitress refilled his coffee. He slipped it slowly, his thoughts centered on the problem, his brain searching for an answer. Another two refills later and he had an idea that, if successful, might push through Olivia’s walls.
But if he did this, there’d be a lot of anger at first. He could handle her temper, but he’d also have to cause her pain. And that would be devastating. Could he do that? Begin a path that, no matter how positive the end result might be, hurt the woman he loved?
He thought about the dilemma for a while longer, going over all of the reasons why he should, as well as the very valid reasons why he shouldn’t. But as much as he didn’t want to hurt Olivia, he kept coming back to one question: If, on the other side of the pain, they could help each other heal, if he could help her heal, would the journey be worth it?
The answer was there, staring him down like a friggin’ drill sergeant. Yes.
And this, surprisingly, had little to do with salvaging their marriage. Yes, he wanted that to happen. Desperately, even. But more than that, he wanted to see his wife smile again. He yearned for her to find a place of peace, so she could also find some level of enjoyment in her life again.
Yes, that was what mattered.
When he finally left the diner, the hope that had disintegrated flared back into being. The hope was slender, but he grabbed on to it with everything he had. Hell, he’d never been afraid of taking chances, but this was a risky game he’d decided to play and the consequences were about as high they could go. And, he admitted to himself as he unlocked his truck, she might even hate him at the end of it.
Chapter Three
Olivia gripped the phone tighter. “What do you mean you won’t represent me? You’re the best divorce attorney in Portland and you’re my best friend. It stands to reason that you would be my attorney for this.”
“Calm down, Olivia. I didn’t say I wouldn’t represent you. I said that I had some reservations and I’d have to think about it for a few days,” Samantha said in a soothing tone. “If I decide I can’t, I’ll be happy to pass on some recommendations.”
“But I don’t want anyone else. I don’t think I can do this with anyone else.”
“Then you’re not ready to divorce your husband,” Samantha said in an irritatingly cheerful way. “Which is something you should really think long and hard about.”
“I have thought about it, Sam. I’m confused, I guess. I always assumed that you’d represent me, and you never said you wouldn’t.” Olivia paced the kitchen in an attempt to work out some of her anxiety. “What do you need to think about?”
“Grady is also my friend. It’s a personal conflict of interest. I didn’t say anything before, because frankly, I was hoping you two would work things out and it would never come to this.” Samantha exhaled a sigh. “Besides, whether I represent you or not, I’m still your friend.”
Olivia collapsed on one of her chairs. Between yesterday at Grady’s and now this, everything was spiraling downhill. “Call Grady yourself. Talk to him about this. You’ll see that he’s okay with you representing me.” At least, Olivia thought he’d say that. After all, he mentioned that he hadn’t talked to Samantha in ages, so why would he care? “And now that he’s agreed, things will be so much easier.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Even with his agreement, you two will have to sit down together to hash out the details. I’ve done this long enough to know that a friendly divorce is a myth. Things almost always turn ugly when it comes down to deciding who gets what. I really don’t want to be in the middle of that.”
“He can have anything he wants,” Olivia said. “This will be the simplest divorce you’ve ever handled. I promise!”
“You can’t promise that. What if he wants the house?”
Oh. He wouldn’t take the house from her, would he? As impossible and heartbreaking as it was to think about her son, this was where Cody was born, where they were happy together. Here, she could almost pretend that the past three years were nothing but a horrible nightmare. Here, she could still feel her son’s presence. She couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. “Um…”
“See? What if he wants Jasper?”
“Okay, that’s just silly. Why would he want the cat?”
“Didn’t Grady and Cody bring Jasper home?” Samantha asked. “Wasn’t getting the cat in the first place Grady’s idea? Now that he knows he won’t ever be moving back in, he might decide he’d like to have Jasper for himself.”
“That won’t happen.”
“How do you know?” Samantha pushed. “You’ve entered into virgin territory, my dear. I’m the expert here, and I’m telling you that people do crazy things in the midst of separating their lives.”
“Oh, come on, Samantha! You know Grady better than that. He wouldn’t do that to me.”
“You’ve broken his heart, Olivia. You don’t know how he’s going to react.”
Olivia chewed on her bottom lip. Divorce was supposed to ease the pressure on her shoulders and the ache in her heart, give her space to figure out the rest of her life, not increase her struggles. “You really think he’d take my house and my cat?”
“I don’t know. But you have to realize that the Grady you know might not be the same Grady you go into court with. I want to support you, but I don’t want to turn my back on Grady, either.” Samantha sighed again. “I care about both of you. This is a really tough spot for me.”
“I get that.” It was Olivia’s turn to sigh. “How about this? You take some time to think this through, and I’ll talk with Grady. I’ll see where his thoughts are, and if he’s considering yanking me out of my home and stealing my cat away.” The words were said sarcastically, as if Olivia thought the entire matter was a joke. But inside, she wasn’t laughing. She had hurt Grady. And Samantha was the expert on this particular subject. “I-if everything seems okay after I talk with him, will you agree to represent me then?”
“I’d want to talk with him, too. But if that goes well, then yes, of course I’ll represent you, sweetie.”
Relief filtered over Olivia. If forced, she could get through this using someone other than Samantha as her attorney. Well, she was pretty sure she could. But she didn’t want to. All of this was tougher than she’d expected, and having someone she trusted lead her through the maze would make everything a lot easier. “Thank you. I’ll call him and see what we can figure out.”
“One word of advice. Be ready with a list of your combined property and go through every item together. Don’t think anything is too trivial. I’ve seen tempers flare over something as simple as who gets to keep the twenty-five-dollar coffeemaker.”
“I’ll make a list and I’ll be prepared for a Grady I’ve never met before. But I don’t think any of this is necessary,” Olivia said. “We don’t hate each other.”
“No, my dear. You love each other. And those divorces are always the messiest.”
“I think we’ll be fine.”
Samantha’s only response was a very unladylike grunt. Olivia let that go, and instead, changed the topic to something less emotionally draining. After a few more minutes, they finished their conversation and hung up.
Olivia stared at the phone in her hand, considering calling Grady now to set up a meeting for later in the week. But she wasn’t ready to hear his voice, so with a sigh, she tossed the phone on the counter and made her way into the living room. Ever since Grady’s agreement yesterday morning, all she wanted was to get the process started. To her, it was like ripping off a Band-Aid. The faster you did it, the less it would hurt. That was her hope, anyway.
She’d barely settled on the couch with a book when the rumble of a vehicle turning into her driveway had her jumping up to look out the window. Shivers rolled through her when she saw Grady exiting his truck and heading up the front walk. What did he want? He almost never stopped by without some type of a prior warning.
She gave serious thought to ignoring the doorbell when it rang. Her car was parked in the garage so she could easily pretend she wasn’t home. And even though Grady still had a key to the house, he respected her privacy. The bell pealed again. Samantha’s concerns reverberated in Olivia’s mind. Oh, what the hell. Maybe she and Grady could work some of this out now and get it over with. Before she made it to the door, however, she heard the unmistakable sound of a key turning in the lock.