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She parked on the street and grabbed more pictures from her purse. Convincing Nicole who had fathered Jesse’s child was nearly as important as convincing Matt, although for very different reasons.
She got out of her car and walked up the main path. As she approached the front door, her shoulders slumped. The old feelings she’d thought she’d gotten over returned. The voices that said she was nothing but a screwup. That she ruined everything she touched, didn’t appreciate anything.
“Stop!” she said aloud, pausing in front of the steps. “I’m not that person anymore.”
She wasn’t. She’d grown up and changed. She was responsible, a single mother who’d made it on her own. When Jesse left, Nicole had claimed she would come crawling back in a matter of weeks. That hadn’t happened.
After squaring her shoulders and raising her chin, she walked up the stairs, then pressed the bell and waited.
She heard yelling from inside, and the sound of running feet. The front door jerked open and a little boy stared up at her.
“Who are you?” he demanded loudly, his voice competing with the sound of babies crying. Apparently both twins were awake and not happy.
“Eric, I’ve told you. Don’t answer the door without checking with me first. And don’t ask who the person is.”
Eric had blond hair and blue eyes like his mom. He was the same size as Gabe and just about the same age. He sighed and addressed Jesse.
“I’m not supposed to answer the door on my own.”
“I heard. So maybe you want to go get your mom.”
“I’m here,” Nicole said, walking around the corner, carrying a baby in her arms. “Can I help—”
She came to a stop. Her eyes widened and all the color left her face.
“Hi,” Jesse said, feeling awkward and unsure of her welcome. “It’s been a long time.”
Nicole stared. “Jesse?”
“It’s me.”
“I can’t believe it.” In the distance, a baby continued to cry. Nicole glanced in that direction. “It’s Molly. Holding them both when they need to be walked is impossible. Hawk’s out of town. He didn’t want to leave, but he and Brittany had planned the trip celebrating her graduation from college for a while and it didn’t seem fair to cancel it because I have twins who aren’t sleeping.” She rocked the crying baby in her arms and looked desperate.
“I can help,” Jesse said, stepping in the house without being invited. “Here. Let me take this one.”
“Are you sure?” Nicole asked, obviously reluctant to hand over her baby.
“I raised one myself,” she said.
“Right. Sure. Here.”
Jesse took the wrapped baby and smiled down at her. “Hello, pretty girl. How are you? Keeping mom up? She’ll remember and punish you later. You might want to think that through.”
The baby’s eyes focused on her face, then slowly began to close. Nicole hesitated a second, before retreating to the back of the house to collect Molly. Eric stared at her.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m your aunt Jesse,” she said as she closed the front door, stepped over several toys and followed him to a family room.
There was a sofa and television, along with toys and a couple of baskets of laundry. A stack of diapers sat in one chair. Shoes littered the hallway leading to the kitchen.
Jesse remembered Nicole’s house being mostly tidy and quiet. It was a place Jesse had never felt at home. While this place made her feel at ease, she couldn’t believe her perfect sister lived in chaos.
A small, hairy white dog raced through the room, followed by a slightly larger black-and-white dog. Pets? Nicole had pets?
“That’s Sheila,” Eric told her. “Rambo is her son. Like I’m my daddy’s son.” He seemed proud of the fact.
Nicole returned with a second infant and collapsed in a chair.
“Clear a space,” she murmured, rocking her daughter with a desperation that spoke of many nights without sleep. “Come on, Molly. It can’t be that bad, can it?”
Kim, the baby Jesse held, had quieted enough for her to ask, “Want me to put her down?”
Nicole shook her head. “She won’t sleep. She’ll wake right up.”
“We can try,” Jesse said, knowing getting the twins into their own cribs was the only solution that was going to let Nicole rest.
Nicole’s gaze narrowed, then she shrugged. “Whatever. They’re in the sitting area off our bedroom. They have a room upstairs, but it got to be too far to walk when I realized they weren’t ever going to sleep.”
Her voice was thick with emotion, as if she was inches from losing it all.
“I’ll show you,” Eric said. He’d been hovering by his mom. Now he led the way down a short hallway and into the master suite.
Jesse had the impression of space, large furniture and a view of a massive backyard. She followed Eric into what would usually be the master bedroom retreat area. A love seat and coffee table had been pushed to the side. Two cribs stood in the middle of the space.
“This one is Kim’s,” Eric told her, pointing to the one on the right.
She smiled at him. “Wow. You’re very helpful. I’m sure your mom is happy to have you around. You’re a great big brother.”
Eric beamed. “I’m the man of the house while Daddy’s gone.”
“Your mom is so lucky.”
She eased the sleeping baby into the crib. Kim stayed asleep. Jesse wound the mobile above the crib and motioned for Eric to join her as she backed out of the room.
They returned to the family room. Nicole stared at her.
“She’s sleeping?”
“Yes. Why don’t I take Molly while you go grab a shower?”
Nicole hesitated, as if she was going to argue, then she handed over the infant and hurried down the hall.
Jesse gazed at the sleepy baby in her arms. “Do you have one of those chairs that rocks the baby?” she asked Eric.
He nodded and pointed to the far corner.
Jesse dug it out from behind a pile of towels and set it in front of the sofa. Molly fussed when she was put in, but quieted as the chair began to crank back and forth.
The piles of laundry needed attention first, Jesse thought. “Where are the washer and dryer?” she asked Eric.
He showed her the utility room off the kitchen. She loaded in towels, added soap and started the machine. She took baby clothes out of the dryer and quickly folded them, giving him socks to match up.
“Excellent job,” she told him, as she cleaned off the kitchen table, wiped it down, then stacked the clean clothes in piles. “Are you thirsty?”
“Uh-huh. I can have juice.”
There were boxes in the fridge. She got him settled with his drink, then loaded the dishwasher with as much as she could fit in before filling the sink and washing the big pots and pans by hand. She just started drying them when Nicole walked into the kitchen.
“Where’s Molly?” she asked.
Jesse pointed to the slumbering baby in the rocking chair. “There’s a load of towels going in the washer. The dishwasher is full, but I didn’t know if it would pull too much hot water from your shower, so I waited.”
Nicole sank into a chair at the table. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“I don’t mind.” She knew what it was like to be overwhelmed, to think she was never going to get enough rest to feel human again.
The doorbell rang. Nicole winced, but Eric went running. “It’s Billy and his mom,” he yelled. Molly started to cry.
“I’ll take the baby,” Jesse said.
“Thanks. Eric’s spending the afternoon at his friend’s house. I’ll be right back.”
While Jesse soothed Molly back to sleep, Nicole saw off her son, then returned to the kitchen, looking exhausted. They stood staring at each other for an awkward second.
“So, you’re back in Seattle?” Nicole asked as she sank into a chair at the table.
“For now.” Jesse remembered the pictures she’d brought and went to get them. When she returned, she handed them to her sister. “Gabe’s been asking about his father. I’ve put off their meeting as long as I could, but I’m running out of excuses. So we’re here, at least for a few weeks.”
She hesitated because Nicole hadn’t looked at the pictures. “I went to see Matt this morning. He wasn’t expecting me.” There was an understatement. “I’d told him I was pregnant when I left, but he didn’t believe he was the father. Given the circumstances, I guess I can’t blame him.”
Now came the hard part, Jesse thought. She’d practiced what she wanted to say dozens of times, but suddenly couldn’t think of any of her carefully prepared phrases.
“I didn’t sleep with Drew,” she said, jumping in and hoping her sister would listen. “I never slept with him, tried to sleep with him or thought of him as anything but your husband. He and I were friends. We would talk and that was it. I was in love with Matt.”
Nicole stood and crossed to the dishwasher, where she pushed a couple of buttons to start the cycle. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“We have to eventually.”
“Why?” Nicole turned to face her, then sighed. “Okay. Maybe. But not today.”
Jesse wanted to push. She’d felt awful about Nicole’s hurt and anger for five years and she didn’t want to wait any longer. But the mature choice would be to let her sister get used to the idea of her being back first.
“I’ll leave the pictures,” Jesse said quietly. “You can look at them later. There’s a lot of Matt in Gabe. Especially in his eyes. It made it hard to forget.”
Not hard. Impossible.
Nicole nodded. “I will.” She crossed her arms across her chest. “I thought I’d hear from you when you turned twenty-five.”
Meaning she thought Jesse would show up to get her half of the bakery. Their father had left the business to both of them, with Jesse’s half held in trust until she was twenty-five. Once she’d graduated from high school, Jesse had bugged Nicole to buy her out soon and give her the money. Nicole had refused. It had been just one more thing for them to fight about.
“I don’t want to be given anything,” Jesse told her. “I want to earn my way in.”
Nicole raised her eyebrows. “Meaning what? You want a job? I thought you hated working at the bakery.”
A job? Jesse hadn’t thought that far, but she could sure use the money. “A job would be great. But I have something else to offer. A brownie recipe. I’ve been working on it on and off for a couple of years. It’s finally ready. It’s better than anything out there.”
Nicole didn’t look convinced.
Jesse fought disappointment and the voice that whispered her sister would never see her as anything but a screwup. The truth was, Jesse might know how much she’d changed, but Nicole had to be convinced. That was fine. Jesse wasn’t going anywhere for a while.
“I’ll bake a couple of batches,” Jesse told her. “We can set up time for a tasting.”
“All right. But if they’re that good, why didn’t you just start a business on your own?”
A genuine question or a slam? Jesse wondered. Five years ago, she’d taken the famous Keyes chocolate cake recipe, made the cakes out of a rented kitchen and sold them online. Nicole had been furious and pressed charges, throwing her baby sister in jail.
“They’re that good,” Jesse said calmly. “I could have gone out on my own, but I wanted to bring them to the bakery. I told you—I’m interested in earning my way back in.”
Nicole stared at her, obviously not convinced. Jesse took that as a hint to leave.
“I’ll call you,” she said as she headed for the door. “So we can set up a time that works for you.”
“How can I get in touch with you?” Nicole asked.
The question gave Jesse hope. Maybe her sister hadn’t given up on her completely. “I left my cell number on the pictures.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Jesse reached the front door.
“Wait,” Nicole called.
Jesse turned.
“Thanks for helping with the twins. I’m usually more together than that.”
“Babies are tough,” Jesse told her, pleased she’d been able to make a difference. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Jesse walked to her car, smiling and feeling more hopeful than she had when she’d left Matt’s. Nicole would take some convincing, but Jesse felt that she could earn her way back into her sister’s good graces. She would have her family back and, right now, that mattered more than anything.
JESSE PARKED IN FRONT of the YMCA in Bothell. The Y in Spokane had been a big part of her life ever since she’d had Gabe. She’d taken baby CPR classes there, had gone to Mommy and Me classes where she’d met other young mothers. She’d worked out in the gym, knowing her son was safe in the day care center and the babysitting service they provided had saved her butt more times than she could count.
Now she walked in to pick up Gabe and smiled as she saw him playing with two other little boys. As always, he was laughing and in the center of everything.
One of the teenagers there came up to her. “Hi, Jesse. You’re back early.”
“My meetings went quicker than I’d thought. How was Gabe?”
“Great. He’s really outgoing and he does so well with the other kids. Especially the shy ones. He takes the time to draw them out. Bring him back anytime.”
Jesse smiled and nodded. She wanted to take credit for Gabe’s easy personality, but she knew it was just one of those moments of chance when the gene pool did something beyond right.
Her son looked up and saw her. His smile widened and he raced toward her. “Mommy, Mommy, I made new friends.”
She bent down and grabbed him as he launched himself at her. “Did you? That’s great.”
“I had fun and I want to come back.”
“We’ll have to make sure that happens, won’t we?”
He nodded vigorously.
Jesse signed the paperwork and left, Gabe chatting as he walked with her. He gave her a real-time account of his morning, every event more fun and exciting than the one before. More good luck, she thought as she helped him into his car seat. He was a cheerful, happy kid. She wasn’t sure how she would have survived if he’d been any different.
She closed his door, then got in the driver’s seat.
“Now what?” he asked. “Are we going back to the hotel?”
“We can,” she said slowly, thinking about where they were and how far it would be to the hotel.
A thought pushed into her head. She tried to ignore it, but it just got bigger and louder.
Talk about crazy, she told herself. Hadn’t she been through enough for one day? Did she want to keep torturing herself? Even though she knew it was a bad idea, she heard herself say, “I think there’s someone I want you to meet.”
Gabe’s face brightened. “My daddy?”
“Um, not yet. But someone else. Your grandmother.”
Gabe’s eyes widened and he looked as if she’d just offered him a puppy. “I have a grandmother?” he asked, his voice low and filled with wonder.
“Uh-huh. Your daddy’s mother.” Gabe knew the basics about grandparents, mostly that he didn’t have any. Well, except for Paula.
There was only one problem. Matt’s mother had always hated her.
It’s been a long time, she reminded herself. Maybe Paula had changed. If not, it would be a very short visit.
Jesse drove into Woodinville, to the pretty house Matt had bought for his mother years ago, after his first computer game had been licensed for millions.
For the third time that morning, she pulled in front of a house owned by someone who very well might not welcome her back. But this time she didn’t bother with pictures. She had the real thing.
“Hurry!” Gabe instructed, as she unfastened him from the car seat. “Hurry!”
He ran ahead of her, racing up the walk and then reaching up on his toes so he could push the doorbell. Jesse grabbed her purse, slammed the door and jogged after him, but she was too late. The front door opened before she got there.
Paula stood there, looking a little older, but not all that different. Her hair was still dark like her son’s. There were a few more lines around her face and she’d gained a little weight, but otherwise she was as Jesse remembered.
“Hi,” Gabe said with a grin. “You’re my grandma.”
Paula stiffened as she gazed at the boy, then she looked past him to where Jesse stood halfway up the walk.
“Hi,” Jesse said, knowing she would have handled the situation differently than her four-year-old, but it was too late now. “I probably should have called or something. We just got into Seattle yesterday.”
Paula blinked several times. “Jesse?”
“I’m Gabe,” he said. “You’re my grandma.”
Tears filled Paula’s eyes. “You were pregnant?”
Jesse nodded, still not sure what was going to happen. She braced herself for screaming or nasty accusations. Instead, Paula smiled at Gabe as if he were a treasure she’d never expected to find.
“I’ve never had a grandson before. This is very exciting. Would you like to come in?”
Gabe nodded and stepped into the house. Jesse followed more slowly.
The place was as she remembered. She’d only been to it a few times, but each visit had been difficult enough for her to remember forever.
The colors were soothing, the furniture comfortable. The reason the awkward hours were etched into her brain had nothing to do with the house itself and everything to do with Paula.
“This way,” Paula said. “You know, it’s funny. I made cookies this morning. I don’t usually make cookies, but suddenly I got in the mood.” She smiled at Gabe again, looking stunned but pleased. “Do you like chocolate chip?”
He nodded in appreciation. “They’re my favorite.”
“Mine, too, although I really like peanut butter, too.”
“Those are my favorite, too,” Gabe told her, as charming as ever. “You’re pretty. Isn’t my grandma pretty, Mommy?”
Jesse nodded.
Paula looked as if she couldn’t believe this was happening. “Can I hug you?” she asked him.
Gabe smiled and held out his arms. Paula dropped to her knees and held him close. Her eyes closed as her face took on an expression of such longing that Jesse had to look away. Wasn’t this always the way? The two people who were more likely to welcome her had been cautious and unfriendly. The one person who had always hated her seemed thrilled she was back in town. Life was nothing if not perverse.
Fifteen minutes later, Gabe had eaten a cookie and finished a small glass of milk. He’d also brought Paula up to date on their trip from Spokane and how he was going to meet his daddy soon.
“Matt hasn’t seen him yet?” Paula asked.
Jesse shook her head, then looked into the family room. “Gabe, would you like to watch TV for a little bit?”
It was a rare daytime treat. Her son jumped to his feet and followed her to the sofa. Paula found a channel for kids, then the two women retreated to the kitchen where they could keep an eye on Gabe without being overheard.
“I didn’t know,” Paula said as soon as they were seated. She leaned toward Jesse and touched her hand. “I swear, I didn’t know you were pregnant. All I knew was what your sister said.” She shifted uncomfortably. “I told Matt about that.”
“I know. It’s okay. There were complications.” Jesse hated how, after all this time, the past still had the power to hurt everyone involved.
“It was a long time ago,” Jesse told her. “Whatever you believe, you have to know I loved Matt. I would never have hurt him.”
“I do believe you,” Paula said, surprising her. “He was devastated after you left.”
“Was he?” It was nice to know he’d missed her, however briefly. “I told him I was pregnant, but he didn’t think he was the father. I told him there hadn’t been anyone else, but he didn’t believe me.”
Once again Paula looked uncomfortable. “It’s my fault. All of it. He was angry because of what I said. I’d held him too close for too long. I was one of those horrible, clinging mothers they’re always discussing on talk shows. He was angry with you, but he never forgave me. We stopped being close after you left. We’re still not close. I rarely see him.”
“I’m sorry,” Jesse said, and found she meant it. “You’re his mother. Nothing will ever change that.”
“Something he’s managed to ignore,” she said with a lightness that seemed forced. “So tell me. What have you been doing with yourself?”
“I’ve been living in Spokane. That’s where I went when I took off. At least that’s where the money ran out. I got a job in a bar. I was lucky. Bill, the guy who owns the place, took care of me. Found me a place to live, worked my schedule around Gabe.” She smiled as she thought of her boss and friend. “He’s the one who gave me the kick in the ass to come back here. Well, him and Gabe. Your grandson wants to meet his daddy. I couldn’t keep saying no.”
“Are you and Bill—” Paula’s voice trailed off.
Jesse stared at her. “Are we …” she got the question “… involved? Oh, no. We’re just friends. He says I’m too young for him.” She smiled. “He’s in his sixties, as are all his friends. They’ve been my family while I was gone. It was just so hard being away. It’s only a few hundred miles, but I felt like I was in another world. I couldn’t believe Nicole just let me go.”
Jesse held the coffee mug Paula had given her but didn’t drink. “It was always just Nicole and me. She was my bossy older sister. Claire, her twin, had gone away the year I was born, so I never knew her beyond the little Nicole told me or what I read in magazines.”
“She plays piano?”
“Yes. She’s pretty famous but I don’t really know her beyond some e-mails and letters. She’s been in touch with me over the years. She’s the one who told me about Nicole getting married and all that.” Jesse tried to keep the pain out of her voice. Despite everything that had happened between them, she loved Nicole and had hated being cut off from her. Nicole’s life had gone on, as if she, Jesse, had never been a part of things.
“How long are you back here?” Paula asked.
“I don’t know. A few weeks. I’m half owner of the Keyes Bakery, but I’m not asking Nicole for anything. I’m going to work there and give her my brownie recipe. I’ve been working on it for months. It’s finally perfect and—”
Jesse pressed her lips together. “I’m sorry. I’m going on and on about my life when what you really want to hear about is Gabe. I just haven’t had anyone to talk to in a long time.”
“Me, either,” Paula told her. “Where are you staying?”
“In a motel. I’m going to rent some place furnished in the University District. It will be cheap in the summer.”
“That will make for a lot of driving,” Paula said. “You could just stay here. With me.”
Jesse didn’t know what to say. Talk about an unexpected invitation. “Are you sure?”
“Come see the rooms, then decide.”
Stunned, Jesse followed her upstairs. Two bedrooms sat at one end of the hallway, a shared bathroom between them. Both were set up for guests, with double beds and bright colors. The rooms were lovely, well lit and clean, so different from the seedy place she would have to rent, that she felt herself getting emotional.
“Paula, this is beyond generous,” she murmured.
“They’re both yours for as long as you want,” Matt’s mother said. “I’ve missed four years of my grandson’s life because I was a scared, lonely woman terrified of losing the little she had. Well, I did lose it and I’ve been regretting that more than I can say. Stay here. Please. Let me have the chance to get to know you and Gabe. Let me make up for how horrible I was five years ago. You didn’t deserve that, Jesse. This is the least I can do.”
Actually, it was an irresistible offer, Jesse thought, looking at the rooms. One she wasn’t about to refuse.
“Thank you,” she said, feeling safe and welcome for the first time since arriving in Seattle. “You’re being more than kind. Gabe and I would love to stay.”
“Good. Why don’t you head back to your hotel and pack while I go to the grocery and stock up. Oh, you’ll have to tell me what you both like to eat. I’ve missed cooking for more than myself.”
A beautiful place to stay and someone to do the cooking? It was a little corner of heaven, Jesse thought. And Paula was the most unlikely angel.