Ready for Marriage?

Four

It was the kind of kiss she’d dreamed of during countless lonely nights. Derek’s arms were around her, bringing her close enough to feel the contours of his strong male frame. One was wrapped around her waist, the other engulfed her shoulders and she could feel his large palms pressing against her back.

She wasn’t short, but Derek made her feel tiny and fragile. His dark head blotted out the light as he bent to her and his shoulders seemed a mile wide. His arms and chest were hard and roped with muscle from both his weekly workouts and the hours he spent on the larger animals in his practice. In a town as small as Quartz Forge, a vet couldn’t be simply a small-animal vet or an avian vet. Derek handled all the animals, farm, pet and other, that came his way.

His mouth—oh, dear heavens, his mouth! His kiss wasn’t tentative, though at first it was sweet and undemanding, his lips caressing and clinging, nibbling at her lower lip and gently sucking it into his mouth. But she wasn’t capable of hiding her feelings where he was concerned and when he recognized her response, he teased her lips apart and sought out her tongue, gently flirting with her until his kiss grew deep and sure, his tongue drawing hers into a steady thrust and retreat that echoed the motions of his hips against hers.

She’d run her fingers up the back of his neck when he’d first touched her. Now she spread them wide, cradling his skull as he bent her backward over one arm with the force of his kiss.

His fingers flexed, kneading her waist and she hung in his arms as he melded their hips together. He was heavy and hard against her and she thrilled to the exquisite pleasure of knowing she was the woman who’d gotten him into such a state. Her own body was swollen, throbbing, driving her to move against him, to relieve the breath-stealing intense delight toward which she was steadily spiraling.

But then she became aware of a change in position. Derek was lifting her more upright, and his mouth was gentling, slowing, the contained ferocity of his kisses giving way to calmer, lighter ones as he withdrew. He didn’t let her go completely, still loosely encircling her waist, and she allowed her hands to slide down to his chest, suddenly feeling a ridiculous but undeniable shyness, and she couldn’t meet his gaze.

‘‘Kris?’’ His voice was husky and he cleared his throat.

‘‘Yes?’’ Slowly she lifted her head and made eye contact.

He was smiling, a wry lopsided expression. ‘‘I, ah, don’t know what to say.’’

She dared a small smile of her own. ‘‘Let’s not say anything.’’

He sighed, his chest rising and falling beneath her hands. ‘‘I can’t do that, and you know it.’’

She sighed, too. ‘‘Mr. Have-It-All-Laid-Out. You’re right—you can’t do it.’’

A frown touched his face and his eyes clouded. ‘‘You know me so well….’’

‘‘That bothers you?’’

He hesitated. ‘‘No.’’

‘‘But you wish you hadn’t kissed me.’’ Her euphoria had fled. He didn’t have to say it; she read it in his eyes. Hurt sliced through her, even deeper than before. Now she knew what Heaven could be. Having it vanish right before her eyes was hell.

‘‘Yes. No. I don’t know!’’ He threw up his hands and moved away from her, pacing in the familiar way he always did when he was agitated. ‘‘I need some time to work out my feelings, to decide what to do—’’

‘‘Don’t get yourself in a panic, Derek.’’ She kept her voice flat and even, containing tears through sheer willpower as she slid the files back into the box. ‘‘I’m not asking anything of you. Nothing has to change.’’

He stared at her, his face growing dark. ‘‘The hell it doesn’t.’’

‘‘Don’t swear at me. I’m just trying to keep you from guilting yourself to death!’’ Now her voice was sharp with exasperation but doggone it, he was just so darn dense. ‘‘It was only a kiss.’’

‘‘Was it?’’ He stepped forward as she backed toward the door, and suddenly he wasn’t safe, familiar Derek anymore. He was a stranger, a stranger with hot, exciting questions in his eyes, a man to whom she felt an overwhelming sexual attraction. He snagged the lapels of her blouse, and hauled her close to him again.

They stared at each other for a moment, the silence thick and charged with tension.

‘‘Things have changed,’’ he said in a low, intense voice. ‘‘I just have to figure out what to do about you.’’

She hated the way he made her sound like a problem he had to take care of and her temper flared again. ‘‘There’s nothing to figure out,’’ she said, taking his wrists and tugging his hands away, aware that she was only free because he’d allowed it. ‘‘You don’t make decisions about how you feel. It just happens. Or it doesn’t.’’

She turned the doorknob but he put his hand on the door, holding it closed for a moment. ‘‘I need some time to think about you,’’ he said. ‘‘About us.’’

Her heart leaped, but she squashed the blossom of feeling. How could he not recognize what they had? What they could have? And why on earth did she want a man who had to think before deciding how he felt about her?

‘‘There is no us,’’ she said, ‘‘and if you imagine I’m going to sit home waiting while you dissect your feelings and decide whether or not I might be allowed to fit into your life, you are seriously mistaken.’’ Her voice was shaking and tears were threatening to spill as she wrestled the door out of his hand and escaped into the night.

Another week passed and the Fourth of July loomed.

Derek was dreading the holiday this year. He and Deb and Kristin had gone to the fireworks together ever since they’d known each other, and after Deb died, they’d kept the tradition going for Mollie. Last year, they’d taken a picnic meal in to the school across from the field where the fireworks display was held. They’d gotten a good spot high on the hill, played with water pistols and read stories until dusk, and then laid on their backs on the blanket—with Mollie between them—and watched the celebration.

This year, who knew how the evening would go?

He hadn’t talked to Kristin since she’d slammed out of his house last week after that kiss that had turned his world upside down. She hadn’t called for advice or support on her concerns about the money problem at the shelter, and she hadn’t even called in the evening to see how Mollie was. The day-care ladies told him she’d been in several times to have lunch or read a story to Mollie, so at least he knew she hadn’t abandoned both of them.

Day care. It was going well and after that first disastrous day the transition hadn’t been as bad as he’d anticipated. But it still wasn’t working very well. They liked the children to be picked up by five-thirty. Six o’clock was the latest they would stretch, and those hours just didn’t work for him. The clinic was open two nights a week until seven, which meant he wasn’t done until seven-thirty at the very earliest.

When Kristin had kept Mollie, she had gone ahead and fed his daughter earlier and then eaten with him while they talked about their days and Mollie played around the kitchen. Now, he had to have Faye or Sandy run over and pick up Mollie and keep her at the clinic until he was done. They fed her snacks to keep her from getting cranky, so by the time he could get her home and fix dinner, she wasn’t hungry anymore. And she usually was cranky anyway.

No, it wasn’t working very well. He needed flexibility. And he was beginning to fully appreciate just how flexible his arrangement with Kristin had been. He’d advertised for a nanny and had three people to interview over the next few days, but even with that, he doubted he was going to be completely satisfied with the new arrangement. Kris had made his life so easy she’d spoiled him for anyone else.

He eyed the phone. It was the second of July already, and he’d been waiting for Kristin to call to firm up their plans for the Fourth. But she hadn’t called, and he had the feeling she wasn’t going to. Well, he could afford to be generous, he decided, picking up the receiver. He wasn’t the one who’d stalked off in a huff.

And what the heck had that been all about anyway? He hadn’t stopped thinking about that kiss all week. Or his reaction to it. Or the way she’d reacted, winding herself around him like a living vine, opening herself completely to his kiss.

His heartbeat doubled merely thinking about it. God, she’d been sweet. He’d wanted to crawl into her caresses, to drown in the sensations she’d aroused, to bury himself inside her so deep there was no telling where he left off and she began. He’d never before allowed himself to think like that, to fantasize about the shape of her breasts or the feel of her slender legs locked around his hips, and it had been so disconcerting he’d had to stop kissing her. And then he’d started thinking about how she’d grown up practically before his eyes, and then he wondered what Deb would have thought of him kissing Kris…and then he’d been dumb enough to tell her he needed time to figure out their relationship.

He could almost smile about it if he didn’t miss her so much. She should have been born a redhead, because it sure didn’t take much to set fire to her temper.

He started to punch in her number, then stopped. He’d better decide what he wanted to say, or he was liable to have her jumping down his throat again. I still don’t know what to say to you but I’d like to spend more time with you. I miss you.

It was that simple. And it was honest. He had a feeling honesty was the only way to go with her.

Decisive now, he did call, and when she answered, he was ready. ‘‘Hey, Kris. How are you?’’

‘‘Fine.’’ She sounded…cautious. ‘‘How about you and Mollie?’’

‘‘Mollie’s fine.’’ He could talk to her about his day-care problems on the Fourth. ‘‘I’m not so fine. I miss you.’’

She was silent. Finally she said, ‘‘I know it’s really different now that I’m not around as much. It’ll get easier.’’

It wasn’t exactly the response he realized he’d been hoping for. ‘‘I don’t mean I miss your help with Mollie,’’ he clarified. ‘‘I miss you. And that’s why I’m calling. What time do you want me to pick you up on the Fourth? I thought it might be nice to do the picnic thing again. That was fun last year.’’

He heard her catch her breath, and she was silent for a moment. ‘‘Um, Derek, I can’t get together with you and Mollie this year.’’

Now it was his turn to be silent. ‘‘Look, Kris, I’m sorry for upsetting you the other night—’’

‘‘No,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s not that. If I were free I’d be glad to come with you. But I already have a date.’’

She had a date. A date? He completely forgot what she said about being glad to go along. ‘‘With who?’’

‘‘No one you know.’’ Her voice sounded pleasant but firm. ‘‘He’s a new member of the church.’’

The church that he, Derek, attended on Christmas and Easter while she had taken Mollie to Sunday school all year long. Until recently. ‘‘Oh.’’ He wondered if he sounded as shaken as he felt. ‘‘Well, maybe we’ll see you there.’’

‘‘Maybe.’’ Her voice was cheery. ‘‘Give Mollie a kiss for me.’’

‘‘I will.’’ What he really wanted was for Kris to give him another kiss. But that was looking less and less likely as her words sank in. After another lame exchange of small talk, he hung up—and threw the phone against the wall in a rare display of temper that even he hadn’t been prepared for.

‘‘Dammit!’’ He flopped down on the couch and drummed his fingers on his knees. Alarm bells began to ring in his head. What an ass he was. Here he’d been, thinking nonstop of himself and how a relationship with Kristin would affect him.

It was a shock to realize that she wasn’t even thinking of him at all. If you imagine I’m going to sit home waiting while you dissect your feelings and decide whether or not I might be allowed to fit into your life, you are seriously mistaken.

God, she hadn’t been kidding! He’d disregarded the words, he saw now, because he assumed they were meant to manipulate him. But they hadn’t been. His heart sank. No, far from manipulation, Kristin was giving up. Going out with someone else.

The thought made him want to snarl. She had no business going out with another man after she’d kissed him like that! Deb might have been the only other woman he’d ever had a physical relationship with, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew he wouldn’t lose his head with just any woman like he nearly had with Kris. God, they’d practically spontaneously combusted the other night. He still got hard every time he thought about it.

He was so confused. He wanted her. He didn’t want to want her. He was afraid to want her. Kristin was a very different woman than Deb had been. He hadn’t ever envisioned himself with anyone besides the wife he’d adored.

Sandy had been right. Kristin was very definitely a woman now. All woman. But she wasn’t the woman for him. He should be glad she was dating.

Glad. Ha! He felt anything but. In fact, he felt like throwing a few more things around the room at the thought of Kristin going out with someone else.

Kristin worked late the following Monday. After she checked to be sure the rest of the staff had gone home, she pulled up the computer programs that contained the previous year’s daily expense entries. Although it was looking more and more likely that Cathie had been steadily embezzling from the sanctuary, she was still reluctant to believe it. So reluctant, in fact, that she had yet to report it to the board.

As she studied the figures on the screen before her, a note taped to her monitor caught her eye. Tuesday, 1:00 p.m.

She’d put it there so she wouldn’t forget. Rusty Sheffield had asked her to have lunch with him tomorrow. Although he said he wanted her to catch him up on what she was doing, he’d made it plain that he considered it more than a business lunch. He’d told her how beautiful she’d looked the day of Summerfest. He’d asked her if she was involved with anyone and had made his relief plain when she’d told him no.

It wasn’t a lie, she told herself fiercely. A barely civil friendship with Derek is not a relationship. And she ignored the little pain that shot through her heart.

She’d promised herself she wasn’t going to sit around and moon over Derek. And so she’d said yes to Rusty, and yes to a real date on Friday night with the electrician who’d come by the shelter to repair the wiring. He was young, handsome and single, and she’d be a fool to wait around, hoping Derek would love her someday. This could be her last chance at a relationship!

A knock at the back door of the office startled her, and she quickly minimized the program she had open. Then she went to the door with a pleasant smile fixed firmly in place although the hours posted at the entry clearly stated the sanctuary was closed for the evening. But when she glanced through the window, she recognized Derek’s SUV parked beside her little compact car. Her heart rate doubled and her mouth went dry. Good heavens. Had her wishful thinking somehow communicated itself to him?

Ridiculous, she told herself. You’re being ridiculous. But she couldn’t prevent her body’s response any more than she could hide the smile that lit her face when she saw Derek and Mollie on the other side of the screen door. Friendly. Be friendly but not too familiar.

‘‘What a nice surprise!’’ she said. ‘‘What brings you two my way?’’

‘‘I wanted to talk to you,’’ Derek said, ‘‘and Mollie wants to see you, too.’’

Just then, Mollie spotted Hobby, the good-natured retriever mix who was the office mascot. With a squeal, she went racing toward the dog, who obligingly flopped down and exposed his belly for her to rub.

‘‘Well,’’ said Derek wryly, ‘‘she did want to see you. Looks like you’ve been upstaged by a dog.’’

‘‘It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.’’ It was the first time she’d seen him since the night he’d kissed her, and that kiss stood squarely in the middle of her attempt at normalcy. Then she realized she was standing there smiling foolishly. ‘‘Come on in. I was still working.’’

He frowned as he followed her into the inner office, leaning against a file cabinet while she propped herself on the edge of her desk. ‘‘This job doesn’t pay enough for you to be putting in extra hours.’’

‘‘I won’t once I’m accustomed to everything.’’ She lowered her voice even though she knew no one else was around. ‘‘I’ve been going through the expense entries, trying to find out where that money went.’’

Understanding crept into his eyes. ‘‘And you don’t want to do it when anyone’s around.’’

‘‘Right.’’ Her spirits, buoyed by his visit, fell as she recalled her concerns. ‘‘I can’t find a thing that points to anyone other than Cathie being the culprit.’’

‘‘Have you told the board?’’

She shook her head. ‘‘Not yet.’’

‘‘You’re going to have to tell them soon.’’

‘‘I know.’’ She sighed. ‘‘I just want to check a few more things before I do.’’

There was a small silence. Derek stuck his head out the door and when he looked back at her, he was grinning. ‘‘Mollie’s lying on top of the dog.’’

‘‘Hobby’s a patient fellow with children,’’ she said. ‘‘How’s she doing?’’

‘‘Pretty good. Day care is going fine now, thanks to your hair.’’

She smiled, reaching up a hand to flip a lock forward absently. She’d been wearing it down much of the time since her talk with Faye and she was getting used to the weight of it. ‘‘That’s good.’’

‘‘Yeah, except that I’m not going to be able to keep her there.’’

‘‘What?’’ She straightened, her voice displaying her concern. ‘‘Why not?’’

‘‘It’s a great place,’’ he said, ‘‘but the hours are too confining. I’m going to look for a baby-sitter who can be more flexible when I have to stay late, and who can keep her longer on clinic nights.’’

‘‘Oh. I never thought about that. Maybe I could—’’

But Derek held up a finger. ‘‘No. You couldn’t. But if you’d be willing to help me interview prospects, I’d be grateful for the additional opinion.’’

‘‘Of course.’’ He was right. And she should be glad that it had finally sunk into his thick skull that she wasn’t going to be Mollie’s baby-sitter for the rest of their lives. But…

Another silence fell, this one less comfortable than the one before. Talking about baby-sitting invariably led her to thoughts of the reason Derek needed a sitter, which led to guilt, which in turn made her annoyed with herself because there was absolutely no reason in the world for her to feel guilty for wanting a life of her own.

‘‘So how was your date on the fourth?’’

‘‘Fine.’’ If she were honest, it had been a pain in the butt. The man seemed to have more arms than an octopus and all of them had been determined to touch her. She’d never been so glad to get home in her life. She’d practically had to shut the door on him—definitely the best part of the evening.

‘‘Did you enjoy the fireworks?’’

‘‘Yes. Did you?’’

‘‘Yes, although Mollie missed you. She kept asking when you were coming.’’

‘‘I’m sorry.’’ And she was. She would much rather have been with Derek and Mollie. But they’d been estranged after that disastrous kiss and she hadn’t imagined that he would want her company.