Special Deliveries: Her Gift, His Baby

‘Yep.’ Ethan nodded. It had been a long day and now, with the unspoken news hanging between them, more than ever he just wanted to get away. ‘I’ve got the long weekend and then two days off, I’m not back here till Thursday. I’m going out on a boat and hopefully we’ll all be eating too much, drinking too much and talking too much.’

‘With friends?’ She thought her face would crack from smiling.

‘Family,’ Ethan said. ‘We do it every year.’

‘Sounds great,’ Penny said. ‘Kate will have her hands full.’ Penny could imagine nothing worse than being at sea with toddlers—she’d have a nervous breakdown.

‘God, no.’ Ethan pulled a face. ‘Once a year my mum has them all for her so she can get away. Kate says it keeps her sane. It would never happen otherwise.’

‘I don’t blame her,’ Penny said. ‘She’d be worried sick trying to keep tabs on them on a boat.’

‘I meant I wouldn’t be going if she brought them.’ He hesitated, tried to turn it into a joke and then stopped, but he’d said it all, really—he was Mr R&R, heading off, kicking back and just so removed from the world she was about to join.

‘It sounds lovely,’ Penny said, because a few nights out at sea with Ethan, well, there was not a lot she could think of that sounded nicer than that.

He looked at her for a very long time, wished she could come along, could almost see her in a sarong with sunburnt shoulders, and he couldn’t help but regret all the things they could have done, all the dates they could have been on and he was, for a ridiculous moment, tempted to ask her to see if she could swap her nights with someone and come with him, but he stopped himself, because even if the impossible could be achieved, he soon saw the real picture.

No wine, because she wasn’t drinking.

No seafood either.

And throwing up on the hour every hour as Kate had done one year.

‘Have a good break,’ Penny said.

Oh, he fully intended to!

Only it wasn’t that great.

Given what had had happened in recent weeks, it was a far more sombre affair, of course.

‘You’re quiet,’ Kate commented on the Saturday morning. It was a glorious day, the sky blue, the wind crisp and the sun hot.

‘I think we’re all quiet,’ Ethan said.

‘I rang Gina.’ Ethan looked over, hoping there had been some progress, but Kate shook her head. ‘I said maybe we could get the kids together, but she said no. Surely she can’t keep Justin from his grandparents?’

‘I guess she can,’ Ethan said. ‘Or she can make it as difficult as possible for them to see him, which she is.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m staying out of it.’

‘Ethan, you can’t do nothing.’

‘I can,’ he interrupted, ‘because if I say what I really think about the situation, it’s going to be a few very long days at sea.’

‘Say it to me,’ Kate pushed.

‘Are you sure?’ He looked at his sister, who nodded. ‘Phil should have sorted this.’ He watched her jaw tighten and Kate struggled for a moment before she could respond.

‘He didn’t know this was going to happen.’

‘Yes, he did,’ Ethan interrupted. ‘I told him to sort this. I told him he had to work things out between his parents and Gina. Phil knew full well the mess he’d be leaving behind if he didn’t sort something out. I know he did, because I told him. Frankly, I don’t blame Gina for wanting to have nothing to do with us. Maybe Jack and Vera should have thought about the future before they opened their mouths when Gina had the audacity to break up with their son.’

‘No one knew then how sick Phil was going to get.’

‘No one ever knows what the future holds.’ Ethan refused to turn Phil into a saint and even if his aunt and uncle were grieving, it didn’t suddenly make them infallible. ‘I love Jack and Vera and I loved Phil, but the fact is that some of this mess is of their own making,’ Ethan said. ‘See now why I’m staying out of it?’

Kate nodded and looked at her rarely angry brother and was positive something else was eating him. ‘Is there anything else going on?’

They were close, they were twins and they spoke a lot, but Ethan had only once before said what he was about to. ‘I like someone.’

Kate saw his grim face. ‘Married?’ she groaned.

‘No.’

‘How long have you known her?’

‘Since I started my new job, well, just after. She was having a couple of weeks off.’

‘What’s she like?’

‘Moody, angry, funny, single …’

‘Kids?’ Kate checked, because there had to be a ‘but’.

‘Pregnant.’ He looked at his sister. ‘Only just.’

‘Ethan!’ Kate couldn’t keep the excitement from her voice, but she didn’t get carried away when she saw his face. ‘I know you said it’s not for you, but—’

‘The baby’s not mine!’ Ethan quickly interrupted. ‘Penny’s on IVF. She’s determined to be a single mum, she’d already started her treatment when we met.’

‘Oh, Ethan.’

‘I was giving her the shots.’

‘Why?’

‘Because she’s petrified of needles and I didn’t fancy her then, or maybe I did.’ He shook his head. ‘Kate, I don’t even think I want kids, you know it broke Caitlin and I up. But even if I could somehow wrap my head around that, I mean even if I’d met Penny and she already had a child …’ He pulled a face. ‘I don’t know, Kate. I can’t walk around watching her get bigger with someone else’s child.’

‘Ethan,’ Kate said. ‘You know Carl and I were both having problems.’ She was very careful not to say too much, but he knew that they had both been having problems, that all three of their children were Carl’s in everything but genes.

‘I get that,’ Ethan said. ‘But I bet Carl took a bit of time to get his head around it, and I bet he said a few things while he did that he wished he could take back now.’

And Kate stayed silent, because her brother was right—it had taken a lot of talking and a lot of soul searching before Carl had come round. ‘And that was with two people who both desperately wanted kids and I don’t even know that I do. I just walked in on the end of Penny’s decision and I’m supposed to be fine with it? Well, I’m not and I’ll tell you this much. I can’t even …’ He shut his mouth. He wasn’t going to discuss everything with his sister and he couldn’t explain properly, even to himself, the strange possessiveness that had gripped him when he’d almost slept with Penny.

‘What do you want, Ethan?’

‘Penny,’ Ethan said. ‘But I want time with Penny. I want to get to know her some more, it’s still early days. I don’t want to start something with someone who has a baby on board and be the one holding the sick back when I didn’t cause it.’ He looked at his sister. ‘Selfish?’

‘Honest.’

‘And I’m angry too.’

‘Why?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Ethan?’

‘It really doesn’t matter,’ Ethan said, even though he hated it when others did that. ‘Because it’s not relevant now.’

They couldn’t carry on talking as they were being called for. The engines were still and he stood there as Phil’s ashes were scattered. He looked at his aunt and uncle, who had been so strong at the funeral, celebrating his life, weep as the wind carried away the last thing they could do for him.

Only it wasn’t just Phil that Ethan was thinking about as they stood in silence on deck. He wanted Penny to be happy, he was pleased for her, just terribly disappointed for them. Maybe he could do it, maybe he would wrap his head around it in a few months’ time, but he felt as if there were a gun to it now and he looked at the ashes sinking into the waves and he was crying.

Not a lot and he didn’t stand out, there wasn’t a dry eye on board. He had every reason to be choked up, but he was, Kate knew, shedding a tear for other reasons too.

Penny didn’t mind working nights, and she was actually glad that Ethan was on leave because she just wanted a pause to sort out how she felt about him. She wanted the hormones to calm down so she could look at things a bit more objectively. Not that she’d had even a moment to think about Ethan tonight; the place had been busy from the start of her shift and she was trying to put an NG tube down a very restless patient.

‘Come on, Mia, swallow,’ Penny said. ‘You need this.’

‘I don’t want the tube.’

‘Then you have to drink the charcoal.’

Mia had taken an overdose and to stop the tablets from being absorbed further, she had to be given a large drink of activated charcoal. It looked terrible, it was black and chalky, but as Penny and Vanessa had told the patient over and over, it actually didn’t taste too bad. It was all to no avail, though—despite a lot of coaxing they’d only managed to get half the liquid into Mia.

‘If you can let me put this tube down your nose and into your stomach, we can put the rest of it down and you won’t have to taste it,’ Penny said, ‘and then you can have a rest, but it’s imperative that you have the charcoal.’

‘I can’t.’ The poor girl was upset already—after a huge row at her boyfriend Rory’s house she’d stupidly swallowed some pills and when she’d got home her parents had thought she’d been drinking. When Mia had finally admitted what she had done, before calling the ambulance, there had been another row for Mia with her parents shouting at her, even as the paramedics arrived.

They’d started shouting again when Rory had arrived at the hospital, when most of all Mia needed calm, and Penny was doing her best to ensure that Mia got it, but first she had to get the charcoal in.

‘Do you want Rory to come in?’ Penny suggested. ‘He offered before.’

Mia nodded and Penny called the young man in. At eighteen Rory was very mature and he held both Mia’s hands as Penny got ready to have another go at putting the tube down.

‘Big breath,’ Penny said, ‘and then start to swallow when the tube hits the back of your throat.’

Except she didn’t swallow. Instead, Mia vomited all over Penny’s gown, so much so that it soaked through to her clothing.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Penny said soothingly as Mia started sobbing her apology. ‘Let’s give it another go.’

The cubicle looked as if someone had been playing with a black paintball and the staff and patients didn’t look much better either, but finally the tube was in. Penny checked its position, relieved that the tube was in the right spot.

‘Right, let’s get the charcoal in and then you can have a rest.’ The medication was poured down and Penny had a word with the intern, Raj, before she headed to the changing rooms. She was incredibly tired and couldn’t wait for the couple of hours till the end of her shift.

Penny kept a spare set of clothes at work, but it was five a.m. and she was past caring so, rarely for her, she pulled some scrubs off the trolley, filled the sink with water to try and soak her shirt, and it was as she did so that Penny felt it—a cold feeling down below. She wanted to be imagining things, wanted to be wrong, so she dashed to the loo, but as she pulled down her panties it was confirmed that, no, she wasn’t imagining things.

‘Please, no,’ Penny begged as she sat with her head in her hands, trying to tell herself it was normal, just some spotting, that it wasn’t her period she was getting.

Penny couldn’t stand to call it a baby; it was the only way she had been able to get through it last time. So she told herself that it was just a period, said over and over to herself that most women wouldn’t have even have known that they were pregnant at this stage.

Except Penny knew that she fleetingly had been.

‘Penny!’ She heard Vanessa come into the changing room.

‘Can I have two minutes?’

‘Mia’s not well.’

‘I’m on my way,’ Penny said through gritted teeth.

‘She’s seizing,’ Vanessa went on.

‘Then what are you doing in here, talking to me?’ Penny shouted. ‘Put out an urgent page for the medics.’

As Vanessa fled, with shaking hands Penny had to find change to buy a pad and then pulled on scrubs and dashed back to Mia. Raj was there and had given Mia diazepam; she had stopped seizing but was clearly very unwell.

‘She’s taken something else,’ Penny said, because the medications Mia had admitted to taking would not have caused this.

‘I’ve just spoken to the family.’ Vanessa’s voice was shaky. ‘The boyfriend’s ringing his mum to go through all the bins and things as they were at his house when she took them.’

‘Good.’

Penny was tough, she had to be tough, she just didn’t let herself think about personal things; instead she focussed on saving a sixteen-year-old girl who had made a stupid mistake that might now cost her her life. As soon as Rory came off the phone she spoke to the distressed boyfriend to try and get more clues as to what Mia might have taken.

‘Mum’s on anti-depressants.’ Rory looked bewildered. ‘I didn’t even know that she was, but she’s had a look and one of the packets is missing. She thinks—’

‘Okay, what are they called?’

He told her and Penny kept her expression from reacting—she didn’t want to scare the young man any more than he already was, but tricyclic antidepressants were very serious in overdose and could cause not just seizures but cardiac arrhythmias.

Leaving Rory, Penny told the medics what the young girl had taken and then dealt with the parents, who were still blaming the boyfriend.

‘He has been very helpful,’ Penny said. ‘If it wasn’t for Rory, we wouldn’t have known what Mia had taken, and he also helped us to get the tube down. Mia’s actually had the right treatment—the charcoal will stop any further absorption, but she’ll need to go to Intensive Care for observation.’

‘When can we see her?’ the father asked.

‘I can take you in there now,’ Penny offered, because Mia was awake now, though very drowsy, but first she just wanted to clarify something with the parents. ‘I know you’re very upset at the moment, but it has to be put aside for now. Mia needs calm, she is not to be distressed.’ Penny looked up as Rory walked in.

‘What the hell did you say to upset her enough to take all those pills?’ the father flared. ‘You caused this.’

‘I’m sorry!’ Penny stood. She’d heard enough. ‘Until you calm down, you’re not coming in to see Mia.’

‘You can’t stop me from seeing her.’

‘Absolutely I can.’ Penny stood firm. ‘Mia is to be kept as calm as possible. We’re trying to prevent further arrhythmias or seizures, not actively bring them on.’

She walked off and started writing up her notes, and finally a rather more contrite father asked if he could go in and see his daughter now, assuring Penny he would not cause her any further distress.

‘Of course.’

She stepped behind the curtain to have a quick word with Vanessa before letting them in.

‘Mia’s parents want to come in,’ Penny said. ‘Don’t take any nonsense from the dad if he starts getting angry. Just ask him to leave.’

‘I don’t take nonsense from the patients and their relatives,’ Vanessa said, and as Penny turned to go she heard the nurse mutter, ‘I’ve got no choice with the staff, though …’

Penny didn’t have the time, let alone the emotional capacity, to respond to Vanessa, or even to dwell on it. She had no alternative other than to drag herself through the last part of her shift, then she got into her car and finally she was home.

Penny took off her scrubs. Her stomach was black from the charcoal and she showered quickly then put on a nightdress and picked up the phone.

‘I’m bleeding.’

The IVF nurse was very practical and calm and, yes, a bit of spotting was normal, but this was more than a bit of spotting and they went through the medications, but Penny could feel herself cramping.

‘Should I rest?’ She wanted to ring in sick but she knew deep down that it wouldn’t make any real difference.

But she rang in sick anyway.

Work was less than impressed, because it was the long weekend and one consultant was out on a boat and Mr Dean was on a golf weekend, but whether or not it would make a difference to the outcome, Penny couldn’t have gone into work anyway—she just lay in bed, trying to hold on to something she was sure she’d already lost.

‘I’m sorry, Penny.’ It was Tuesday night. She’d actually stopped bleeding but didn’t dare hope, yet there was a tiny flicker there when she took the call, only to hear that her HCG levels were tumbling down.

All that for twenty-four hours of being pregnant.

Jasmine’s periods were later than that sometimes.

‘Oh, Penny, I’m so sorry!’ Jasmine, who the second she’d heard that Penny had called in sick, had been in and out of her home all over the weekend. She was there too when the nurse called with her blood results and Jasmine wrapped her in a hug when Penny put down the phone after the news. But Penny could feel Jasmine’s belly soft and round and pressing into her stupid empty flat one and Penny said some horrible things.

Horrible things.

Like, no, actually, Jasmine didn’t understand.

And that it was all right for Jasmine to stand there and be so compassionate and understanding when she didn’t actually have a clue how it felt to not even be able to get pregnant. Except it was a bit worse than that because Penny used the F word and then asked her sister to get out.

‘Penny, please!’

‘No!’

She was back to being a bitch.

CHAPTER TEN

THERE WERE DISADVANTAGES to being a consultant, as Ethan was finding out, because when he came back from his long-awaited days off, which had actually turned into more of an extended wake, half his colleagues were sulking because he’d been out of range and they’d been called in to work.

‘Penny’s sick?’ Ethan frowned when Lisa told him.

That Penny might be ill wasn’t the problem apparently, though it was the problem for Ethan. ‘We had a locum for two nights and Mr Dean came in, but he wasn’t too pleased.’ Lisa brought him up to speed.

‘But if she’s sick, she can’t help it,’ Ethan pointed out as a knot tightened in his stomach. ‘When did she ring in?’

‘Saturday morning.’ Lisa sighed. ‘At the beginning of a long weekend. It’s been a bit grim here, to say the least.’

But it wasn’t just Penny they were annoyed at.

‘Did you have a good break?’ Mr Dean gave a tight, mirthless smile as he walked past, but Ethan just rolled his eyes. He didn’t give a damn about things like that—he worked hard when he was here and was entitled to his days off. The only person Ethan was worried about now was Penny.

Except when he tried to call her, she didn’t pick up her phone.

‘How’s Penny?’ Ethan asked a worried-looking Jasmine when she arrived for her late shift.

Jasmine’s cheeks flushed and she just gave a brief shake of her head.

‘Did she lose it?’

Ethan grimaced when Jasmine gave a reluctant nod.

Ethan headed to his office and rang Kate and told her the little he knew.

‘Don’t call it it,’ Kate suggested.

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘I know,’ Kate said. ‘Poor thing.’

‘I don’t know what to do.’ Ethan didn’t even know how he felt. He was gutted for Penny as he thought of all she had been through.

But there was guilt there as well.

‘I don’t know what you can do either,’ Kate admitted, because Carl had been as invested in the procedures as she had and had been right there beside her when on many occasions the news hadn’t been good. But though she utterly understood where her brother was coming from, he wasn’t going to react as Carl had.

‘Do I just not mention it? I mean …’

‘No,’ Kate said, but then halted. ‘I don’t know. You said she hadn’t told you she was pregnant?’

‘I can’t just ignore it,’ Ethan said. ‘She won’t pick up the phone.’

‘You really like her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then I think you ought to go over there and just be ready.’

‘For what?’

‘For anything.’

Even as he rang the bell, Ethan had absolutely no idea if he was doing the right thing.

It just couldn’t go past without being noted.

That was all he knew.

She opened the door in her dressing gown, except it was undone and underneath she had on a short nightdress. Ethan hadn’t known many woman who wore silky nightdresses and matching dressing gowns, but this was Penny, he reminded himself, and even if she was a bit washed out, she still looked stunning.

‘I’m so sorry, Penny.’

She looked at him, all brown and healthy and brimming with energy from nearly a week off, and she felt drab and pale in comparison. ‘How do you know?’ Penny asked. ‘Did Jasmine say something?’

Ethan hadn’t even made it through the door and he’d already put his foot in it. ‘No,’ Ethan said. ‘I asked her when I heard you’d called in sick.’

‘She shouldn’t have said anything.’

‘She didn’t say a word,’ Ethan said. ‘I asked if you’d …’ He breathed out. ‘Penny, I knew before you went away that you were pregnant.’

‘How?’

How? Because she was buried so deep in his skull, he’d been on IVF sites and working out dates and watching her unseen, constantly tuned in to her, though she didn’t need to hear that. ‘I just knew,’ Ethan said. ‘Jasmine didn’t say a word.’

Penny opened the door further and let him in.

‘I didn’t know what to bring.’ He was very honest with his discomfort and it helped that he didn’t try to hide it. It helped that he had come too.

‘Wine would have been nice.’

‘I can go out and get some.’

‘I’ve got some open.’ Penny looked at him warily. ‘I’m not very good company.’

‘I’m not here for a party.’

‘Well, you won’t get one. I’m boring even me now in my quest for a baby, so I’d run for the beach now if I were you. I know it’s not your thing. I’ll be back to normal soon.’

‘Come here,’ he said, and he gave her a cuddle. She wriggled a bit as she had the first day he’d held her and then she gave in; it felt really nice to be held by him.

‘Do you want me to go out and get a bottle?’

‘No. I’m drinking alone. Well, not alone, I’ve got my cat.’

And an ugly cat it was too, Ethan thought as feline eyes narrowed in suspicion at a big male stomping through the room. He followed Penny to where she was retrieving her glass and bottle from her bedside table and hovered at the door.

‘I’m a cliché,’ Penny said. ‘I’ll be the mad aunt, if Jasmine ever lets me see them again.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I had a terrible argument with her when I found out. I’m a horrible sister.’

‘I’m sure you’re not.’

‘I am.’ Penny sniffed. ‘We’ve never been that close, but for the last few months we’ve both really tried, and now I’ve gone and ruined it. I told her that she had no idea how I felt.’

‘She doesn’t,’ Ethan said.

‘But she tries so hard to. It’s not her fault, I just …’ She was embarrassed to admit just how bad she’d been, but was too guilt ridden to gloss over it. ‘She gave me a cuddle and I could feel her stomach and I told her that, no, she didn’t know, but I said it more nastily than that.’ Worried blue eyes lifted to him and a dark blush spread on her cheeks. ‘It wasn’t just that she’s pregnant, though.’ She stopped. She certainly wasn’t about to share her shameful truth. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I can’t.’

‘You can.’

‘I really can’t.’

‘I hate that,’ Ethan said. ‘I hate it when people go, oh, it doesn’t matter, when clearly it does, and then they say they can’t tell you, and you know that it’s something relevant, except you’re not allowed to know.’

She actually smiled a little when she responded to him. ‘You’re not allowed.’

‘Fine.’ Ethan sulked.

‘If I told you and you ever said anything, I’d have to kill you.’

Ethan couldn’t help but smile but more than that they were sitting down on the sofa together and Penny was, Ethan realised, actually going to reveal. ‘When my mum was bought in in cardiac arrest, it was awful. I mean, just awful. Jasmine was on duty but I managed to keep it from her …’