How to Deal With Difficult People
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Create your own successes. Start in a very small way. Choose something you find it difficult to do, whether it’s walking into a room full of people or jumping into a swimming pool. Now do it – but only in your imagination. Creative visualization is another way of saying that you should practise something in your imagination, always seeing it through to a successful ending, until your subconscious mind becomes so used to the image that it will cease to send out panic signals when you come to do the deed in reality.
In order to visualize effectively, you should find a quiet time of day or evening – just before going to sleep is ideal. Sit or lie quietly and allow your mind and body to relax. Now see the feared situation in your mind, as you would like it to be in reality. Don’t just picture yourself walking into that room full of people; see yourself doing it in a calm and self-assured way. Imagine going up to someone – perhaps someone who looks ill at ease—and doing what you can to make him feel more comfortable. See yourself chatting in a relaxed manner with those whom you meet. If you repeat this process daily over a period of time (at least three weeks if possible), you will find when you come to put the action into effect that you will have successfully reprogrammed your mind for success.
Making a ‘Like-List’
Make a list of those things about yourself that you like. The person who claims that he cannot find anything to put on a list is not thinking deeply enough – or is not telling the truth. Because people with a poor self-image are usually by definition highly sensitive, it follows that they tend to be kind, compassionate and unwilling to hurt others. So there’s the first thing to put on your list; now go on from there.
Once you have completed your list, look at the characteristics you have written there. If they applied to some stranger you had never met, you would not think he could be such a bad person, would you? So why are you so hard on yourself?
Instead of looking back only at negative events in your life, try remembering your successes. Everyone has had some, however small. Perhaps you won a badge in the Guides or Scouts, perhaps you bake a good cake – or perhaps you are kind to little children and animals. All of these are successes. Think of as many as you can. Don’t just list them to yourself but remember how it felt to achieve them or to be praised for them. Relive those moments. If you are going to look back at the past, you might as well do it in the most positive way you can.
For some people, simply knowing the reason for their low view of themselves can be enough to help overcome it. Many of us do not take the time to think about the cause of our negativity; we just accept it as part of our nature. But, once you can see that the fault was not yours but lay in your upbringing or your early programming, you may not need to cling on to that false impression of yourself any longer.
Once you have learned to reduce self-criticism and improve your self-image, you will be less likely to suffer from the otherwise damaging words and actions of difficult people. Also, because you have learned to understand yourself better, you may also be able to understand them. You may begin to see that something has made them the way they are. Once you can begin to feel sorry for someone, however dreadful he may be, he can no longer inflict harm on you.
As your confidence grows you will also be able to put into action the techniques you are going to learn in the rest of this book to help you deal with difficult people. You will know that you are likely to succeed in coping with them and that, even on the odd occasion when you do not succeed, you will have done your best and so will have no need to reproach yourself in any way at all.
CHAPTER TWO Styles of Behaviour
The majority of people with whom you come into contact, whether in your business or personal life, will exhibit one of three general styles of behaviour: they will be (mainly) either aggressive, submissive or assertive. If you are to be able to deal with people you need to be able to recognize these styles of behaviour and be armed with methods of minimizing their negative effect. An important part of doing this is making sure that you yourself are in the ‘assertive’ category.
Let’s have a look at the three basic types and see how to recognize them instantly:
The Aggressive Person
The aggressive person is the verbal bully, concerned only with satisfying his own needs, and frequently hurting other people in the process. (By the way, when I refer to ‘he’ ‘his’ or ‘him’ anywhere in this book please take it to mean either gender. No sexism is intended.)
The aggressive person enjoys the feeling of power that he thinks he has and the ability to make people rush about and do his bidding – but his enjoyment is often short-lived. He may never admit it but deep inside he knows that he is taking advantage of others who are either weaker than himself or in a position where they are unable to do anything about it – for example, when a manager is aggressive towards a very junior employee who is not able to retaliate without risking his job.
Convinced that he is the only one who could possibly be right in any situation and that the only needs that matter are his own, the aggressive person reminds others repeatedly of just how clever, strong or important he is. Just as physical bullying often hides a cowardly nature, this sort of boasting often masks feelings of inferiority or self-doubt. In addition to persuading others of his superiority, the aggressive person is also trying desperately to convince himself.
You will often find that the aggressive person is also a lonely person. His behaviour tends to drive others away in both his business and personal life. Because he has constantly to reassure himself and everyone around that he is the best, the most interesting and the most intelligent, he is excessively critical of everyone else. It is a great ego-booster for him to think that everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault, but it does not make him very popular. Although he may feel a desperate inner need to have friends, he is unlikely to admit this; you have to treat friends as equals and he cannot allow himself to admit that anyone is worthy of such consideration.
Someone who is aggressive often has a great deal of energy and vitality. If only he could learn to harness that energy and use it positively, all would be well. Sadly, he tends to use it in a destructive way rather than a constructive one. Some people mistake aggression for strength and feel that if they display any other type of behaviour they will be taken for weaklings or will seem as if they do not know their own minds.
When aggression is taken to extremes it becomes violence (physical aggression). However, we will concern ourselves only with the verbal aggressor, with whom most of us are more likely to come into contact.
Not only does the aggressive person not really like himself, he also has a negative effect on all the people around him. These others may feel angry or frustrated because, while only too aware of the unfairness of his attitude, they are either powerless to do anything about it or resent having to waste their time and energy trying to defend themselves against his unjust accusations. This waste of energy, coupled with feelings of helplessness, is quite exhausting and often causes the aggressor’s ‘victims’ a great deal of stress and tension.
Even if those who come into the line of fire know perfectly well that the aggressor’s accusations and comments are unjust and uncalled for, they will not be able to help feeling hurt and even humiliated by them. No one likes to be made to appear foolish or to be corrected in front of others – and of course this is just what the aggressive person does. It adds to his sense of power if as many people as possible can hear him exerting his authority and putting down some other ‘inferior’ being.
Because anticipation of an event is often more stressful than the event itself, those who have to come into frequent contact with an aggressive person may feel that they are living on the edge of a volcano, always waiting for the next eruption. At the least this can cause them to feel anxious or inhibited; at worst it can lead to excess stress which in turn can bring about physical or mental illness. But of course the aggressor rather likes the fact that all around him are waiting for the other shoe to drop. It adds to his sense of power and authority.
Taking all this into account, it is hardly surprising that everyone tends to leave the aggressive person alone if they possibly can. This increases his feelings of isolation and of being ‘different’ or ‘special’, so he is likely to act in an even more aggressive fashion, thus perpetuating the cycle.
Anyone who comes into frequent contact with an aggressor will find no difficulty in identifying him at a glance, but here are some ‘give-aways’ in both verbal and body language which will point him out immediately even to a relative stranger.
Verbal Language: The Aggressive Person Will Say Things Like:
You’d better …
You’re hopeless …
You must …
Do what I tell you …
I want you to …
Get on with it!
Body Language
Stands still
Has a stiff, rigid posture
Keeps arms folded
Shouts
Points finger
Stabs with finger
Bangs desk or table
The Submissive Person
In complete contrast, the submissive person is one who tends constantly to sacrifice his own needs in favour of other people’s. He is therefore easily put upon by others – even those who are not by nature aggressive. It is just that the submissive person seems to encourage this attitude in those with whom he comes in contact.
In former generations it was believed that women were ‘supposed to’ behave in a submissive way; it is only comparatively recently that it has become acceptable for a woman to be assertive or competitive. Progress in this direction has been impeded, however, by men in certain organizations who are old enough or bound enough by tradition to cling to the old ideas of ‘a woman’s place’. In such companies it is extremely difficult for a woman, however talented, efficient and conscientious to reach the top. Presumably, however, as the members of this old hierarchy retire women will have more of an opportunity to share professional responsibilities with men.
The submissive person suffers greatly from feelings of insecurity and inferiority. His self-esteem is non-existent and he has no confidence at all in himself or in his abilities. Every time he comes into contact with an aggressor his feelings of inferiority are reinforced. He tends to accept criticism without stopping to question whether it is justified or not.
Because he realizes that he allows other people to take advantage of him – and does so repeatedly – the submissive person often experiences considerable anger. However this anger is not turned outwards towards the person or people taking advantage but inwards on himself for allowing it to happen. Yet he does little or nothing about it, believing that ‘there is no point’ in trying when he is ‘never’ going to be taken seriously or get his own way. This in turn causes great inner frustration; after all, no one really likes to feel helpless – still less if he believes he ‘deserves’ it.
The submissive person is normally quite good at hiding his true feelings. He carries on with life pretending that everything is fine while feeling constantly anxious, fearful that it is only a matter of time until he is ‘caught out’ and ‘exposed’ for the inadequate that he is. As you can imagine, this makes him a gift for the aggressor, who is only looking for someone to accept the blame for anything that goes wrong. What a bonus to come upon a willing victim, someone who truly believes that everything is his fault!
A submissive person often withdraws from others, feeling that he does not deserve to mix with these superior beings – and that they would not want to know him anyway. He believes that no one would want to listen to him because anything he might want to say would be trivial, unimportant or wrong.
Try and compliment a submissive person and you find that he is quite unable to accept it. He turns any positive statement into a negative one. For example, if you say: ‘I do like that outfit; it really suits you’, instead of a simple ‘Thank you’ the submissive person is more likely to answer ‘What, this old thing? I’ve had it for ages,’ thus making you feel foolish (i.e. negative) too.
Because of the constant stress and anxiety that surrounds him, not to mention the fear of being ‘found out’, the submissive person has little energy or enthusiasm for life. He has no time to spend on himself because he spends his entire time trying to do what he thinks other people want him to do.
You would suppose that everyone other than the aggressor would feel sympathy for the submissive person and want to help him have a better opinion of himself and to boost his confidence. Indeed, most people start off this way. But sympathy only goes so far – and then irritation sets in. People begin to wish he would stand up for himself for once, do what he wants to do and take some decisions for himself. When this doesn’t happen others can lean towards aggressive behaviour because they lose all respect for the submissive person and treat him accordingly.
Constant contact with someone who is submissive can be quite exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone who is always negative in word and deed. It is quite a draining experience, leaving you tired and struggling to maintain your own positivity. The outcome of all this is that most people tend to avoid the submissive person altogether unless they absolutely can’t avoid him – thus adding to his feelings of isolation and inferiority.
The submissive person can also be recognized by his typical verbal and body language:
Verbal Language
Oh dear …
I’m terribly sorry to bother you but …
I wonder if you could possibly…
I’m sorry; I’m really sorry…
But …but …
Body Language
Never looks at you
Keeps his fists clenched or wrings his hands
Stoops
Whines or speaks very quietly
Steps backward when spoken to
The Assertive Person
An assertive person is someone who is concerned for himself and his own rights as well as those of other people. He wants to meet others on an equal footing rather than score points over them.
The assertive person is usually the only one of the three types who ends up achieving the goals he has set himself. The aggressor may believe that he wins in the short term but, because he creates such bad feeling around him, there is no loyalty on which he can depend. The submissive person often does not set himself any goals in the first place, believing that he would never be able to reach them.
Respect for other people and the realization that they too have needs and rights distinguishes the assertive person from these others. His aim is for everyone to win and for this reason he is willing to negotiate and compromise in a positive way. When he makes a promise he always keeps it and so those around him develop trust in him. Because he is in touch with his own feelings, he is able to explain how he feels to others – even when his feelings are negative because of something they have done or said – and can do so in such a way that these others will feel no resentment.
Inwardly the assertive person feels at peace with himself and therefore with those around him. Each new challenge is faced in a positive rather than a negative way and, because of his inner confidence and the fact that he is aware of his own limitations, he is prepared to take a certain number of risks when it comes to new ventures and ideas. Sometimes things may not work out as he had hoped, but someone who is assertive realizes that it is permissible to be wrong occasionally and that it is possible to learn from one’s mistakes. Assertiveness means that he does not have to steal anyone else’s ideas or stab others in the back. When things go well he is able to acknowledge his success and be proud of – as opposed to conceited about – what he has achieved.
Outwardly the assertive person is a joy to be associated with. His enthusiasm can be catching and will often inspire others to become more positive in their outlook. Because he is not manipulative and does not go behind other people’s backs, those around him learn to believe in and co-operate with him. His sense of inner serenity reduces the amount of stress he feels and he is therefore more able to direct his energy into achieving whatever goals he has set himself. And, because he rarely suffers from extreme mood swings, his behaviour towards others is consistent and the lines of communication are kept open.
Obviously, from the description above, an assertive person feels good about himself most of the time. Because of this he makes other people feel good, too. They develop a sense of security and trust because regular communication and feedback lets them know what is expected of them and where they stand. Tactical ‘game-playing’ or attempts to score over one another are reduced to a minimum and therefore everyone concerned is able to turn their energies towards achieving a communal goal rather than indulging in petty power struggles.
Respect is an integral part of the assertive person’s attitude – respect for himself and for other people. And this respect is usually reflected around him, encouraging his colleagues to-co-operate as fully as possible. Any success, great or small, is commented upon and complimented and this, too, encourages everyone to try even harder to perform well, whatever the task.
Verbal and body language by which you can recognize the assertive person include the following:
Verbal Language
I feel …
I would like …
What is your opinion?
What do you think is the best way to tackle …?
I think …
Let’s…
Body Language
Has an upright but relaxed stance
His gaze is steady and he maintains eye contact
Has a sense of composure
Becoming More Assertive
It is obvious, from the descriptions of the three styles of behaviour, that you will be happier and achieve more if you can become assertive. Now, this is not going to happen overnight but the desire to change and a little effort can achieve a great deal.
Begin by tackling small problems rather than major ones. Then you will be able to register a number of successes fairly quickly instead of feeling that you are putting in a great deal of effort and achieving little. Do remember, however, to stop and give yourself credit for whatever successes you achieve, however minor. One of the attributes of the assertive person is that he is able to feel pleased with his progress.
Think of a situation where you feel that you have not acted assertively. This can be connected either with your working or home life, as developing assertiveness applies across the board. Ask yourself these questions
What is the situation?
Is the other person concerned aggressive, submissive or assertive?
What has been my reaction to date?
What would an assertive reaction be?
Even if you are not yet certain that you would be able to put this assertive behaviour plan into action (although, once you have read further, you should know just what to do), at least you will have worked out the situation, understood where any manipulation is coming from and seen the effect of reaction and counter-reaction between the people concerned.
Whatever type of person you encounter, as an assertive person you should be able to do all of the following:
Express your positive feelings: ‘I do like your new hairstyle;’ ‘I love you.’
Express your negative feelings: ‘I don’t like it when you speak like that;’ ‘I’m frightened.’
Say no: ‘No, I can’t work through my lunch break;’ ‘No, I don’t like Mexican food.’
Give an honest opinion: ‘I think we should leave now;’ ‘I don’t agree.’
Say that you are angry, provided that anger is justified: ‘The way you do that irritates me;’ ‘I feel angry when you are rude to others.’ (Note that saying that you are angry does not have to involve raising your voice, becoming abusive or thumping the furniture. Acknowledging the emotion and expressing it is quite sufficient for others to know where they stand).
As an assertive person you have certain rights:
You are entitled to ask for what you want – but you also have to remember that the other person is entitled to say no.
You are entitled to make decisions and choices for yourself.
Because you are a human being and therefore fallible, sometimes these decisions and choices will turn out to be the wrong ones – but, as an assertive person you will be prepared to face the consequences whether they are good or bad.
You are entitled to your own opinions and feelings, to acknowledge them to yourself and to express them to other people.
You are entitled to make mistakes, bearing in mind that others must be allowed to make mistakes, too.
You are entitled not to know everything.
This does not mean that you are ignorant, foolish or a failure.
You are entitled to decide whether you want to become involved in someone else’s problems.
As an assertive person, however close you may be to another person and however much he may try to persuade you to intervene, only you can decide whether to do so or not.
You are entitled to change your mind.
If your change of mind involves other people, you will do them the courtesy of informing them rather than leaving them to find out at some later date.
You are entitled to privacy.Everyone needs a certain amount of time and space alone, whatever his circumstances. Unfortunately it is often taken as a sign that you are unhappy with those around you. As an assertive person you will offer reassurance and explain that no such inference is intended. Of course, you will also remember that those around you are entitled to some privacy, too, and will not take offence if they express a desire to be alone at times.
You are entitled to achieve.If you have ideas, a positive attitude and energy, by all means combine them and achieve all you can. Provided you have not taken unfair advantage of others you should feel proud of what you have done.
You are entitled to alter yourself in any way you choose – granting the same right to other people.
Think back over your recent past and see if you can remember a way in which you have abused your own rights. Perhaps you can say ‘I never have a moment to myself or ‘I get drawn into other people’s quarrels.’ Be aware of your reactions to others, remember your rights and decide how you will do things differently in the future.
Becoming assertive is more than just a way of dealing with difficult people or of coping with awkward situations. It is a means of making personal progress. Whether you think that this life is all that counts or whether you believe that what we do is part of a longer and deeper evolution, personal development is essential if you are to achieve in any real sense. It is up to you to decide what you want – from a particular situation or from life in general – and then set goals and work towards them. Don’t worry if success seems a little elusive at times; even slow progress is positive progress.