Hot Single Docs: London's Calling

She could smile now. ‘I’d love that, Rafe. Coffee. And a walk. It would be perfect.’

Perfect for what? A first date? A new beginning?

‘It’s Saturday tomorrow. I’m sure we can both find a suitable time to be together.’

Abbie held his gaze. Was it too much to hope that that was what they both wanted out of this? To be really together again?

‘I’m sure we can.’

His nod was satisfied. Rafael touched his fingers to the top of Ella’s head in farewell and then stepped away from the cot. For a heartbeat he looked as if he was going to step towards Abbie’s chair. As if he wanted to kiss her goodnight. But she could see the way he paused just long enough to think about it and then controlled himself. How hard he was trying when he simply smiled and left.

* * *

Fickle spring weather decided to turn on a stunning April day on Saturday.

It felt as though fate was on his side as Rafael waited at the agreed meeting point at the start of the Broad Walk, just beside the zoo. The shriek of overexcited monkeys somewhere was having the opposite effect, however. Almost like maniacal laughter that was taunting him and setting his nerves on edge.

Did he really think that a pleasant walk on a sunny day was going to be enough to win Abbie back?

And what were they going to talk about? Dio...but women loved to talk, didn’t they? To pick things apart and give them far more importance than they deserved to have. Far more power that could be so destructive.

Even a few words could destroy things. And once they were uttered there was no way you could ever take them back.

If you take Ella away to do this then our marriage is over.

Rafael pushed his fingers through his hair. He wished he had never uttered those fateful words. He wished Abbie had just let him take her to bed where he knew he could have put things right. He wished those damned monkeys would just shut up for a minute. Why wasn’t Abbie here yet? Had she changed her mind about this date?

His breath came out in a whoosh of relief as a black cab swooped into the kerb and Abbie climbed out. She was wearing a blue dress he’d never seen before, with no sleeves and a tight bodice and a swirling skirt that reached almost to her ankles above sandal-clad feet. Her hair was loose and shone like a halo in the sunshine and she had a cardigan draped over the arm that held a straw bag and made it look as if she was off to a picnic.

She looked...like the woman he loved. A beautiful, English rose. With that illusion of fragility that was so sexy when you discovered the steely determination and passion that lay beneath.

‘Abbie...salve, cara. You look cosi bella.’

‘Thanks.’

Abbie felt strangely shy. As if this really was a ‘date.’ A time to meet someone who was virtually a stranger to explore what you had in common with them and whether it might be enough to build a future on together. The mix of hope, excitement and physical attraction felt like a flock of butterflies in her stomach. She hadn’t felt like this since...well, since her first date with Rafael.

‘You...look pretty good yourself, Rafe.’

What an understatement. Old, soft, faded jeans and a black T-shirt. That leather jacket that was also so old it was nearly as soft as the jeans. Rafael pushed the sleeves up a little further, which made his look more casual. And definitely sexier. But his expression dismissed the compliment.

‘In these old jeans? I think not.’

Rafael suppressed the urge to take Abbie’s hand but couldn’t identify what it was that held him back. A sense of Abbie being as tense as he was perhaps?

‘Let’s get away from here,’ he said. ‘These monkeys are driving me pazzo.’

Abbie’s laugh sounded a little forced to her own ears but some of the tension evaporated. ‘They are noisy today, aren’t they? Can you still hear them from home sometimes?’

She could remember the first time they’d heard unusual sounds coming from the direction of the zoo. Guessing what could be making the sound had become a game as they’d stood in their garden or taken an evening walk down by the canal. Was that an elephant? Or a lion?

Sometimes Rafael would try and imitate the sound until Abbie laughed so hard he would pretend to take great offence and she’d have to soothe his pride. And that had never been difficult. She only had to tell him how wonderful she thought he was, even if he couldn’t make an elephant noise to save himself. She only had to distract him with a kiss or two.

Happy times.

For a moment, Abbie was sure Rafael was thinking about the same thing. But then a shadow passed over his face and he shrugged.

‘I wouldn’t know. I don’t seem to spend that much time there these days.’ Rafael could see the flash of disappointment in Abbie’s eyes. Had he made it sound like he didn’t want to be in their home any more? ‘Work’s been so busy, you know?’

‘Mmm. Ethan told me how hard you’ve been working while I was away.’

While she’d been away. There it was again. The huge thing that lay between them that Rafael had no idea how to make go away. Was talking about it really going to help?

They weren’t even talking now. Just walking side by side in silence amongst the throng of Londoners out to enjoy a Saturday afternoon in the sunshine. Trees were vibrant with the fresh, new green of leaves just beginning to unfurl for the new season. Ancient trunks had skirts of bluebells and daffodils. There were young mothers pushing prams, a father giving a toddler a ride on his shoulders, small children on bicycles and tricycles, teenagers weaving with dangerous speed through the pedestrians on their skateboards...

‘Mind out!’ Rafael’s arm was around Abbie’s shoulders in a flash, guiding her out of the path of a speeding youth. The feel of the bare skin of her shoulder beneath his hand was a jolt of sensation that arrowed through his entire body. Hastily, he dropped the contact. Abbie didn’t want this, did she?

Oddly, the touch of Rafael’s hand on her bare shoulder had felt less intimate than his automatic instinct to protect her. And it had felt...wonderful. She might have had to stand completely on her own feet for the last few months and become stronger because of it but it didn’t mean that she didn’t want to feel cherished.

Loved.

The speed with which he dropped the contact was disappointing. Abbie bit her lip, trying to think of something to say.

‘Do you think it will be this crowded in the coffee shop?’

‘I expect so.’ Rafael could feel himself scowling. If they couldn’t talk to each other in the relative privacy of being outside, what was it going to be like in the café? Would they sit in silence and sip their lattes amidst the buzz of the conversation of others? With the tension between them steadily increasing?

‘I know.’ Abbie tilted her head, peering past people to see where they were exactly. ‘Let’s get coffee to go from the cart over there and take it to the Secret Garden. That’s always quieter.’

It didn’t take long because they knew the route so well. Off the Inner Circle and through the large circular garden with the statue of Hylas in the pond. You could see the imposing structure of St John’s Lodge from here, reputedly owned by the Sultan of Brunei these days. But they weren’t after an imposing view.

Rafael led the way on a wide grass path, past the blossoms of the dog roses and the twisted trees of white wisteria. Beneath a leafy arbour to the circle of lime trees around a stone urn. And...yes...the covered seat at one end of the garden was unoccupied at the moment.

For a moment, Abbie lost all sense of time. She wasn’t here with her estranged husband, trying to find a way to reconnect. She was here with the man she was head over heels in love with. Wondering why he was leading to her such a secluded, romantic spot. Why the destination seemed so important, the mission so urgent.

And then the reality of the difference this time kicked in and Abbie’s step faltered. It was an audible effort to catch her breath.

Rafael almost groaned aloud when he sensed Abbie’s step faltering. What had he been thinking in following this particular route? He had led Abbie back to the exact spot he’d proposed to her.

Closing his eyes for a heartbeat, Rafael cursed himself for his insensitivity and wondered how he could rescue the situation, but then he heard Abbie take a deep breath.

‘Perfect,’ she murmured.

Rafael’s eyes flew open. ‘It is?’

‘Mmm.’ Abbie offered him a smile that was almost shy. ‘If we’re going to start again, what better place than back where it all started?’

They were going to start again? There was hope? And he’d chosen the perfect place? Rafael could feel his chest expand just a little. This time he didn’t suppress the urge to take Abbie’s hand and he didn’t let go until they were seated side by side on the small bench. They could see people through the arbour but, for the moment, they had this small patch of the park to themselves.

‘So...’ Rafael cleared his throat. He was ready to face whatever was coming even if his heart did seem to be beating faster than usual. ‘What shall we talk about?’

Abbie closed her eyes for a moment. What did he think they needed to talk about? The weather? The thought almost made her smile because that was exactly what they’d talked about the last time they’d sat on this bench. They’d actually had to brush snow away before they’d sat down and she’d been freezing and Rafael had opened his coat and tucked her in beside him. He wanted to keep her warm, he’d said. To look after her. For ever.

She opened her eyes but didn’t look up at Rafael.

‘Us,’ she said quietly. ‘That’s what we need to talk about.’

Oh, no... Rafael drained the last of his coffee. This was worse than he’d feared. Abbie wanted to analyse their relationship and pick it apart. His voice came out more harshly than he had intended. ‘What about us?’

Abbie met his gaze. There was a tiny frown line above her eyes. ‘Well...we don’t really know each other, do we?’

‘Pfff...’ Rafael couldn’t help the incredulous sound. Or the movement of his hands, one of which slashed through the air while the other crushed the empty paper cup it was holding and dropped it on the bench beside him. It was an effort not to jump to his feet as the words tried to rush past each other to get out.

‘Of course we know each other. We’re married. We...’ Love each other? No. He couldn’t speak for Abbie. He changed tack. ‘I know you, Abbie. I know that you like two sugars in your coffee. That you hate lacy knickers because they make you itch. That people who hurt their children make you very, very angry.’ He was counting off his list on his fingers. ‘That one of your favourite surgeries is making new little ears for children. That—’

But Abbie was shaking her head as she set her own cup carefully aside. ‘I mean something that goes deeper than that. You don’t know why I did what I did. Why I had to take Ella to New York even if it was going to mean the end of the marriage that meant so much to me.’

‘But I do...’ Rafael swallowed hard. ‘I know that your little sister, Sophie, died when you were only twelve. That you felt your parents had failed her because they refused to try any treatment that might have added to her suffering when they knew it would gain nothing but a little more time. But that was different. It wasn’t leukaemia and we tried everything we could even it was only going to give us a little more time. The idea that the treatment in New York could really work was...’

Way too much of a miracle to hope for. Rafael’s words trailed into silence. It had worked, hadn’t it? He’d been wrong.

‘You knew the reason,’ Abbie agreed quietly. ‘But you didn’t understand how I felt about it because if you had you would have been there with me, Rafe. By my side. And it really hurt that you weren’t.’

It hurt thinking about Sophie, too. The little sister she’d lost. The way her family had fallen apart. Sophie had been ill for so long that family life had centred exclusively on her and Abbie had felt almost invisible. The feeling had only strengthened after her sister’s death. Had her parents been too afraid to love her too much in case they lost her, too? Did they come to blame each other—the way she secretly did—for not having tried hard enough to save Sophie?

Or did all the love just die because it got smothered under the grief?

She’d tried so hard....

She’d been driven to fight for Ella instead of standing back and watching her die. But her new family had still fallen apart, hadn’t it? Was it impossible to win in a dreadful situation like that?

Rafael could see the pain he’d caused by reminding Abbie of what she’d lost as a child. And by not being there for her in New York when she’d needed him. What could he say?

‘I’m sorry.’ The words were raw. ‘I was wrong.’

This time it was Abbie who took hold of his hand. ‘It’s not just your fault, Rafe. Don’t you see? I couldn’t understand why you were so opposed to it, any more than you could understand me. Oh, I knew how much you hated to see children suffering when there couldn’t be a positive outcome, and that’s why you changed specialties to get away from oncology, but this was your own daughter. I just didn’t get it.’ She bit her lip. ‘We don’t get each other.’

‘Get?’ Sometimes, if he was really fired up about something, his languages could tangle in his head and make him miss subtleties.

‘Understand. No...it’s more than that, I think. If you really love someone and you can understand why they feel the way they do, then you’ll support them, even if you might not agree with whatever it is.’

Rafael turned the words over in his head. ‘You’re right,’ he said into the quietness. ‘I should have supported you.’

‘And maybe I should have supported you.’

‘Che cosa? But I was wrong. You only have to look at Ella to see that I was wrong.’

‘But if I’d understood why, maybe we could have changed things. All I could see was someone who was being a doctor, not a father. Or a husband. Someone who couldn’t feel what I was feeling.’

It was true. He had isolated himself emotionally. Circumstances had then isolated him physically.

But they were closer now, surely? They were talking about things they’d never talked about before.

‘It won’t happen again,’ he told Abbie. ‘I love you. I love Ella. I want to be a good father and husband.’ He touched her face. Cupping it gently the way he always had before trying to convey his sincerity with a tender kiss.

But Abbie pulled away from his touch. ‘Don’t,’ she whispered. ‘Please, don’t.’

It was too bittersweet, that touch. She could give in to it so easily but it still wouldn’t solve anything. It would still be a throw covering a stain.

Rafael dropped his hand. He turned to stare straight ahead and Abbie followed his line of vision. Through the arbour she could see a young couple, wrapped in each other’s arms, sharing a passionate kiss. As intent on each other as Abbie and Rafael had been when they’d first come here together. As oblivious to the twists of fate that might pull them apart in the future.

Rafael had to turn away from the sight of the young lovers. He and Abbie had been that close once. He’d hoped that they might get that close again today but they were as far apart as they had been before they had come here, weren’t they? Talking had solved nothing.

‘I’m still hurting, Rafe.’ Abbie spoke so quietly he had to strain to hear the words. ‘And I can’t go through anything like this again. I know Ella needs her father as much as she needs her mother right now but...I need time. I need to be sure.’

Rafael closed his eyes. She wasn’t the only one who was still hurting. ‘And how did you think it made me feel, Abbie? When you wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say? When you took Ella away and I was so sure I would never see her again? Never hold her? You’re not the only one who was hurt.’

‘I know. And I’m sorry.’

Rafael’s fingers found a tangled part of his hair but he shoved them through the obstruction, welcoming the pain. ‘Can we ever get past this? What do we do now?’

‘I hope we can get past this.’ But Abbie’s smile was shaky. Unsure? ‘And now? I think we should go and spend some time with our daughter.’

It was Abbie who picked up the empty coffee cups and found a rubbish bin to put them in. She put on the soft cardigan she’d been carrying because there were a few clouds in the sky now and when the sunlight dimmed, the temperature dropped noticeably. The picnic feel to the day was gone. The date was over. They walked out of the Secret Garden and back through the main park in silence but it was a different kind of silence from the one when they’d first entered the park together.

Things were out in the open. Yes, their marriage was still on the line but it seemed that they both wanted to repair it, at least. Surely that was a good thing?

‘Maybe, one day soon,’ he said, ‘we’ll be able to bring Ella to the park. To show her the Secret Garden.’

‘I hope so,’ Abbie responded. ‘And we could take her to the zoo.’

‘To see the monkeys.’ The unenthusiastic tone made them both look at each other. And then they both smiled.

She understood. And if they did go to the zoo, she would know that it was a generous act on his part because those monkeys drove him pazzo.

He could feel his heart lift. The connection was there. And the love. Surely it was going to be possible to build a bridge over the troubled waters that still lay between them?

It had to be possible, Rafael decided as they went through the ornate iron gates and he raised his arm to flag down a taxi.

It was as simple as that, really.

CHAPTER SIX

GIFTS WERE STARTING to pile up in Ella’s room.

While the big pink bear was the frontrunner in the popularity stakes, everybody who looked after Ella was enjoying the growing stack of bright picture books and the toys, especially the board with the animal pictures and the buttons that made the appropriate noise for the animal when Ella pushed it. Her attempts to imitate the noises made them all laugh.

And Rafael had a new audience on which to try out his own animal noises.

‘This is a lion, Ella. Rrrroahhh... You’ll hear them when we take you to the zoo one day. You might even hear them at home. And this is a monkey. Eeek, eeek, eeek.’

The noises made both Ella and Abbie grin but they had yet to hear their little girl giggle again. What would it take?

‘You don’t have to bring a present every time you come, Rafe. You’re spoiling her.’

‘I want her to look forward to seeing me.’ But Rafael put the bag he was carrying today on the floor and leaned on the edge of the cot, watching as Abbie caught the small, waving arms and pushed them gently into the sleeves of her sleep suit.

‘Mum-mum-mum,’ Ella crowed.

‘That’s me.’ Abbie snapped some fastenings closed. ‘Mama. Can you say papa?’

Ella stared up at her, her eyes round.

‘Papa?’ she repeated encouragingly.

Ella grinned. ‘Mum-mum-mum.’

‘I think that’s the only word she knows.’ Rafael was also smiling but Abbie could sense his disappointment. She tried to distract him.

‘She’s pretty good at “no.” You should have heard her at lunchtime when I tried to persuade her to eat some carrots.’

‘She doesn’t like carrots?’

‘Not yet. Same with pumpkin.’

‘Maybe it’s the colour she doesn’t like.’

‘Hmm... You could be right.’ Abbie smiled and caught Rafael’s gaze. ‘It does clash with pink, doesn’t it?’

His answering smile was swift and, for a heartbeat, things felt good. There were more of these moments now, when it felt like there was a real connection between them again. The time they’d spent in the park together had been a good starting point but, even with more time with both of them here with Ella and more moments when they were in tune with each other, that distance between them didn’t appear to be shrinking.

Ella was the driving force behind Abbie’s motivation for trying to repair her marriage. She desperately wanted her daughter to grow up with a loving father in her life. For them all to make a real family. But the connection had to there between her parents, too. It had to be more than physical and it had to be strong enough to last the distance. While they were reaching out tentatively to see if they could find and build on that kind of connection, sadly it was Ella who was making things harder.

Oh, she loved the presents. And she loved seeing her daddy and having a cuddle. As long as she wasn’t tired. Or sore. Or hungry. Or had a dirty nappy or anything else that was making life a little less joyful. At those times, she only wanted Abbie.

Mum-mum-mum.

As the days passed it was obvious that Rafael was feeling excluded. It wasn’t just an Italian’s pride that was being dented. Any father would feel disheartened by the preference that Ella made crystal clear when it was needed. And it wasn’t something that Abbie could fix, was it? Rafael hadn’t been there for such a long time. A quarter of Ella’s life. Was it any wonder that the baby saw him as a visitor in her life? That she expected her mother to provide everything from food to comfort?

Abbie glanced at her watch. Any minute now and the nurse would arrive with Ella’s night-time bottle. And Rafael was here. She should let him feed her.

Maybe it was the biggest olive branch she could offer?

She couldn’t put it into words but when she picked Ella up and offered her to Rafe as the nurse came in with the bottle of warm milk, she could see that he understood how significant this was. The way his gaze held hers with a flash of surprise and then gratitude and then a flood of warmth that felt like pure love was enough to bring a huge lump to her throat.

Rafael sat down in the armchair with Ella in his arms. She was happy enough to lie there until she caught sight of the bottle. The hungry whimper was followed by her head craning so far sideways Abbie feared for her neck.

‘Mum-mum-mum...’ Small arms were reaching out for her.

Rafael chased her mouth with the teat of the bottle but Ella was having none of it. She arched her body into a stiff bow and her face went an alarming shade of red.

Abbie had to force herself not to scoop Ella out of her father’s arms. ‘Try again,’ she said above the noise Ella was starting to make. ‘She’ll get used to the idea of you feeding her in a minute.’

But Rafael shook his head. ‘I can’t bear to hear her this unhappy. You do it, Abbie.’ He stood up and all but shoved Ella into her arms.

It felt like defeat. Worse, even when Ella settled and started sucking hungrily, the joy of doing this was somehow diminished. Abbie could feel Rafael’s gaze on her, and she could feel his despair. And there seemed to be something accusing in the gaze Ella had fixed on her, too. She felt like the meat in a sandwich. All she was trying to do was stick the layers back together. Why was it so difficult?

‘I’m sorry,’ she said quietly to Rafael.

He gave one of those eloquent shrugs. ‘It’s not your fault. Fiorella is a baby. All she knows is what she wants to make her happy.’

But Abbie knew what she wanted to make her happy, too. And it seemed as far away as ever.

‘I...um...thought I might come home tomorrow. After work.’

Rafael went very still. Oh, help...

‘Just to see if I find a suitable dress and shoes and things or whether I’ll need to go shopping. For the wedding on Saturday?’

‘Ah... Of course.’

‘I thought you might like to be here with Ella while I’m gone. If you’re free about five o’clock, you could feed her her dinner.’

A faintly incredulous huff escaped Rafael but Abbie ignored it. ‘If I’m not here, she might be happy to let you feed her. And food is different from a bottle. She lets nursing staff feed her sometimes. We can only keep trying, can’t we?’

A sigh this time. ‘Si...’ Rafael’s expression was unreadable. ‘This is true.’