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And for a time it had seemed his greatest pleasure was to make her cry. Well, not tonight.
Jack’s drunken girlfriend swayed and turned to him. ‘What’s she talking about, baby? I thought you dumped her?’
Her hand rested on his chest. There was something vaguely familiar about her. Lexi’s eyes dropped to her obviously over-implanted breasts. Of course, she was a glamour model. But her breasts stood out like sore thumbs. Lexi could tell just by looking that they were obviously too large for her slim frame. And her implants had been placed over her chest muscles instead of under, causing obvious ridge marks at the tops of breasts. Oh, dear. Even Lexi could tell this woman would need reconstructive surgery at some point. Had Jack made her do that?
She could feel the fire building in her belly. On any other day if she’d seen Jack Parker she would have ducked and hidden. She didn’t like conflict. She didn’t like attention being on herself. It didn’t matter that she’d picked up the courage to throw him out. Even one glance of Jack brought back the overwhelming surge of not being good enough. It brought back the seeds of doubt and the memories of his cruel words and actions.
She looked across the room. She wasn’t panicking—she was just looking for some reassurance. Iain was still in conversation with another man just a few feet away. He obviously hadn’t realised anything was wrong.
These last few weeks with Iain had given her some new-found confidence. She felt appreciated. She felt respected. She felt … loved?
Something she’d never felt before. Either with Jack or her parents. Her aunt was the only person who’d ever shown her love.
It was a startling realisation. It almost made her feel giddy.
Jack was wrinkling his nose at her, mumbling under his breath. She couldn’t stand him. She couldn’t stand to be in the same place as him. Even now he treated her with disdain. How dared he?
She straightened her shoulders, gave a smile to his girlfriend and extended her hand. ‘Pleasure to meet you. I’m Lexi Robbins. Jack’s never had any manners and that’s obviously not changed.’ As she took the action she was aware of Jack’s eyes on her bust. Even though she was perfectly happy with her figure, it could clearly never compete with his new girlfriend’s. And she’d never want to. She couldn’t imagine the health problems the woman was likely to have in the future.
The blonde’s eyes widened as she took the hand in front of her and gave it a limp shake. Jack was spluttering over his drink but Lexi ignored him.
‘Brandy,’ she slurred.
Brandy. It figured.
‘And just so we’re clear, you’re wrong,’ Lexi continued. ‘I dumped Jack. In fact, I threw his clothes out of our flat and changed the locks. That’s because he’s a weasel. You’d do well to remember that.’
The colour started to rise in Jack’s face. ‘Rubbish, Lexi. That’s rubbish. You were too boring for me.’ He glanced back at Brandy, obviously desperate to save face. ‘In more ways than one. And, obviously, not pretty enough.’ He pulled Brandy closer to him. Was that to reassure her? Or to stop himself from swaying?
‘Get a life, Jack,’ Lexi sighed, and gave a shake of her head. ‘You’re not worth it. Not for a second.’
She spun on her heel and walked back into the ladies. She didn’t want to let him have a minute more of her time. She didn’t want all the little self-doubts to find their way into her mind and thoughts again. She stood for a second in front of the mirror, taking a few deep breaths.
She wanted to get of here. She needed to get out of here. She needed to find Iain and stick to their original plan. The original plan that made her knees quiver and her heart race.
The door banged behind her and before she could even lift her head to look at who had entered she was grabbed roughly from behind. There was no time to think. No time to act.
She was pushed against the wall, the cold tiles pressing against her back. Jack had one hand on her shoulder, the other around her throat.
She tried to move her arms, her hands, but his full weight was on her. He leaned forward. ‘Who do you think you are? Don’t you dare speak to me like that.’
She turned her head away, trying to avert the smell of alcohol that was coming from his breath.
‘Look at me!’ he growled.
She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. ‘Get off me, Jack. This is a public restroom, any minute now someone will walk in and see what you’re doing.’
He snarled. ‘Who’s going to stop me?’ He lifted one hand and waved it around, laughing as she took the opportunity to try and escape his grasp. ‘There’s no one here but you and me.’
He pressed his hand back to her body, this time reaching up and squeezing her breast. ‘You should be thanking me. Thanking me for telling you to get some shape.’ He gave another little laugh. ‘But you’ll never compare to Brandy.’
She winced under his grasp. Jack had never been physical with her in the past, but the amount of alcohol he’d consumed—along with his bad temper—made her glad things had never been like this.
She opened her eyes and looked him straight in the eye. She didn’t even notice the door open in the background. She was too focused on her task.
Fight or flight. The surge of adrenaline powered through her body.
‘That’s just it Jack, I don’t want to be anything like Brandy.’ She leaned towards him, ignoring the stench of alcohol. ‘But you’re right. It’s just you and me.’
She lifted her knee and hammered it straight into his groin. His reaction was instant. He released her and crumpled to the floor, clutching at his groin.
She stepped over him in her fluttering dress. ‘Don’t you ever put a hand on me again.’
There was a movement beside her. A dark flash of something. It took her a few seconds to register that Iain had appeared.
And she didn’t recognise the expression on his face. She’d never seen Iain angry before.
He lifted Jack clean off the floor and slammed him against the white tiles where he’d just held Lexi. If she’d thought Jack had been snarling at her before, he’d had nothing on Iain. The steam was practically coming out of his ears.
‘Don’t you dare touch Lexi ever again.’ His eyes flicked to Lexi. ‘Are you okay? Do you want to press charges?’
She shook her head. She just wanted to get out of there.
Jack had shrunk back against the tiles. He wasn’t so brave when confronted by a six-foot-four angry Scotsman.
Iain spun him round, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and the back of his trousers. Jack’s feet were skimming the floor as Iain thrust him towards the door. A woman opened it and walked in, letting out a little shriek when she saw the two men in the ladies. Wordlessly she held the door open as Iain escorted Jack from the building.
He was quietly efficient about it, stopping only once to pull out his card and hand it to an astonished Brandy. ‘Chronic back pain?’
She nodded in a stunned silence.
‘Come and see me some time and we’ll chat about what’s best for you.’
Jack was strangely silent. Any time his steps seemed to hesitate Iain just lifted him clean off the floor to help him on his way. They reached the outer door and Iain ejected him down the steps.
Lexi cringed as he tumbled down them into a puddle outside. Iain stood next to her and slid his arm around her waist. He pointed at Jack. ‘I’m warning you, Jack. I don’t want you within fifty feet of Lexi.’
He turned and steered her down the street, away from the event and towards the footpath to the Thames. She could see his hand still shaking slightly. She knew it was with rage. But she wasn’t scared around Iain. He was a big man, who could probably intimidate anyone in his vicinity. But the rage would never be aimed at her. She felt secure with him beside her. She felt safe around Iain. But that wasn’t all she felt and that’s what was bothering her.
His arms swept around her as he laid her coat across her shoulders. She hadn’t even realised he’d picked up her coat for her. She pulled it around her and slid her arms into the sleeves. March was cold in London, it wouldn’t do to be without her coat.
Iain pulled her closer as they walked along in silence. Her brain was whirring with a million thoughts that she just couldn’t even begin to compute.
Even though she’d tried her very best, the tiny little seeds of doubt were creeping into her brain. Seeds that Jack had initially planted and which had sprouted and grown. She’d thought she’d dealt with those. She’d thought she’d doused them with the weedkiller they deserved.
But seeing Jack again had brought them all flooding back, no matter how hard she tried. Except this time the thoughts weren’t about Jack. This time the seeds of doubt were all about her and Iain.
It was ridiculous. Iain had only ever treated her with respect. He’d never mocked her body—quite the opposite, in fact. He’d never let her think she wasn’t good enough.
So why were thoughts like that circulating in her brain?
Why would Iain be interested in someone like her? She wasn’t a supermodel. She was clever but not a genius. She’d done a good job with the publicity and charitable donations for the clinic.
A horrible startling realisation crept over her. Maybe he was just trying to keep her sweet? Trying to make sure the Hunter Clinic was known around the world?
No. Iain would never be like that.
He’d almost fought against the attraction between them. And he’d been more than supportive regarding her parents and her surgery.
So why was a whole host of doubts creeping into her head?
She leaned against him a little as they walked down the path to the Thames. It was beautiful at this time of night. The path next to the dark river twinkled with little lights leading towards the brightly lit Tower Bridge. If you wanted to find a romantic location in London at night, you really couldn’t do better.
It was cold enough to still see their breath in the air. Cold enough to have an excuse to snuggle closer.
But Lexi felt changed from before. The feelings of uncertainty were making her feel differently.
There was no getting away from it. She’d fallen hard for Iain. Hard and fast. She’d shared things with him in a way she’d never shared with anyone at all.
And he’d shared with her too.
Only not enough.
A wave of cold air swept over her body, sending a little shiver across her skin.
That was it. That was what was wrong.
She turned and looked at his profile as they walked along the path. She could almost sense he was in as much turmoil as she was. They weren’t talking. They were simply holding each other and walking. But at some point they were going to reach the crescendo of what was happening between them. Reach the tipping point.
Her velvet coat wasn’t giving her any warmth right now. The cold feeling wouldn’t leave her.
Iain had told her about his wife. He’d told her about his babies. It must have truly broken his heart. But there was more. There was more that he hadn’t told her.
And if they really had a chance at a relationship, she had to know what it was.
It was haunting them. It was a dark stormcloud permanently hanging over their heads. Because no matter how charming, how happy Iain seemed to be, the only time the shadows really disappeared from his eyes was when they were making love.
And it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for her any more.
Her stomach twisted. Iain still didn’t know. He still didn’t know about the fact she’d had a hysterectomy and couldn’t have children. He’d accepted her story about being injured by a horse as a young girl and had never questioned her scarring.
This was a man who had wanted a family. A family that she couldn’t give him.
Maybe his past experience would have put him off. Maybe he would tell her that he could never go through that again. It was a possibility. But it was one they had never discussed.
She had to get things out in the open. They had to get things out in the open.
She wanted honesty from him. She wanted full disclosure. No matter what it was.
Iain McKenzie had rapidly turned into her dream man. But his constant reassurance and support was about to backfire. Her new-found confidence made her realise what she wanted in this life.
She didn’t want to be a bystander. She didn’t want to be known as someone’s daughter. She wanted to be loved for who she was. She didn’t want things to be hidden from her. And she didn’t want to have to hide anything from him.
And while she didn’t mind the photos of Bonnie in Iain’s house, she didn’t know what they meant for them. Would Iain ever lose the shadows in his eyes? It was a miserable, selfish thought but she couldn’t compete with a ghost. If Bonnie still had the biggest part of his heart then Lexi shouldn’t be here. She couldn’t allow herself to be second best. No matter how cruel it might seem. She deserved better.
If this relationship had any chance at all, it was time to take the big step.
She stopped walking. ‘Iain, we need to talk.’
He turned to face her immediately and she sensed him hesitate as he drew in a deep breath.
Had he heard the tremble in her voice? Or was he noticing the sheen in her eyes?
Then, before she had a chance to say anything, his arms swept her in and his lips descended on hers.
It was as if all the rage and pent-up frustration was being translated into his passion for her. His arms cradled her, but his lips devoured her. Their teeth clashed as his tongue slid into her mouth. There was no mistaking how he felt about her.
And there was no mistaking how she felt about him.
He pulled back, breathless, his arms gently releasing their grip on her waist. In this dim light his dark chocolate eyes looked almost black. Darker than the bottom of his soul.
He’d blindsided her with that kiss. For a second all her rational thoughts had vanished, as had the sinking feeling in her heart.
They stood together next to the Thames, their warm breath visible in the cold air as her rapid heartbeat quietened to a mild canter.
She had to stay focused.
She had to think of the future.
Hers. And Iain’s. She needed more than his passion. She needed more than his protectiveness.
She needed his heart and his soul.
His hands rested on her hips. ‘Lexi, I’m sorry about my behaviour. When I saw him touching you like that—assaulting you—I saw red. It just descended all around me. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him. I couldn’t wait to get him away from you. I didn’t want him near you.’
There was tension in his words—as if he’d just taken himself back to the moment again. He thought she was angry. He thought she wanted to talk to him about the incident with Jack.
‘I was filled with rage. I wanted to punch him senseless.’
She lifted her hand and put it on his chest. ‘And I might have let you.’
He shook his head. ‘But I never behave like that.’ He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment then gave her a sorry smile. ‘But, with hindsight, you seemed to have got the better of him yourself.’
She nodded. ‘But that doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the help.’ This wasn’t the conversation she wanted to have. She didn’t want to waste a second of her life talking about Jack Parker.
She could tell Iain was nervous. Maybe he was worried about how he’d manhandled Jack in front of her. But Jack Parker and his welfare was the last thing on her mind right now.
He knew something was wrong. Even though his hands were on her hips, he couldn’t look her in the eye. They were fixed over her shoulder on Tower Bridge.
‘I need to ask you something, Iain.’
‘What is it?’ His eyes had met hers now. He looked worried. For the first time since she’d known him he looked afraid. What did Iain have to be scared of?
Maybe she should start slowly.
‘I need to ask you why. Why do you think you felt like that?’
Confusion swept his face. ‘Why do you think? Because he touched you, because he assaulted you. He should never have laid a hand on you.’
She breathed in slowly through her nose. ‘And you didn’t like that?’ She was trying to be controlled. She was trying to be measured. Iain meant the world to her and she was going to have to be strong to do this.
‘What about us?’
He stiffened, his shoulders pushing back and down, his body arching away from her. ‘What do you mean, “What about us?”’
She ran her tongue along her lips. All of a sudden her mouth was instantly dry. She could do with some of the wine she’d refused at the award ceremony. She knew exactly what she was doing. Even if Iain didn’t.
‘Where do you think we are going, Iain?’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t understand. Where did this come from?’ He reached up and touched her cheek. ‘You know how I feel about you.’
She held her breath, trying not to turn her head towards his cheek. She had to stay strong.
‘I care about you, Lexi. You know I do.’
Care.
A gentle word. A quiet word. A word without passion and without soul. Nothing like the passion he’d just shown her. Her heart could break in two right now.
Her gaze swept down to the wet street. Black, totally black. Just like the sensations that were coursing through her body.
‘Care. It’s an interesting choice of word.’ Even she could hear how detached her voice sounded. How disappointed.
He wasn’t looking at her again. She understood. He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t give her any more. Put him on the spot and he just shut down.
This was pointless. She wanted more than Iain could ever offer her. It was time to walk away.
This was a disaster. This whole night had been a disaster and it was nothing to do with Lexi not winning the award.
She deserved better than him. He should have watched her more closely—kept an eye on her. Jack Parker would never have got his hands on her then. He shuddered to think what could have happened in there.
He hadn’t been able to protect her. Just like he hadn’t been able to protect his wife.
But now Lexi was asking him difficult questions. It would be so much easier to shrug them off and just continue as before. Their relationship was developing slowly. But he still couldn’t be honest with her. He wasn’t ready.
But her trembling lips were breaking his resolve—no matter how hard she was trying to hide them.
‘I don’t care about you, Iain.’
His head shot around to face her. ‘What?’
She shook her head firmly as a single tear trailed down her cheek. She lifted her hand and pressed it against her chestbone. ‘I love you. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to. But I can’t help how I feel.’ She looked at him with her big blue eyes. ‘But I know you don’t feel the same, Iain. I can tell. I can feel it.’
He opened his mouth to speak but she lifted her hand to stop him.
‘Don’t. Don’t make this any harder than it already is. You can’t share with me—not really. There are permanent shadows around your eyes. The only time they vanish is when we make love. And it’s not enough, Iain. It’s not enough for me. I can’t compete with a ghost.’
‘What?’ Her words resounded around his head. ‘You think you’re competing with Bonnie? Why on earth would you think that?’
‘Because you won’t let me in.’ Her answer came back straight away. ‘I need more. I want more. I want you to love me like I love you. We all have secrets, Iain. Things that we don’t share with anyone but the people we love.’
His eyes fixed on the black flowing water, rushing and tumbling past them. This was it. It was time to tell Lexi the truth. They had no future together. But she had to know it was because of him—not because of her. And not because of a ghost.
‘I don’t deserve you, Lexi. I don’t deserve anyone. All I do is hurt the people I love.’
Her brow wrinkled. ‘This is about Bonnie, isn’t it? Why on earth would you say that? You’ve told me about Bonnie, and about your children. That was a tragedy. A horrible thing to happen to anyone. But it was bad luck. Horrible, horrible bad luck. But why does that mean we can’t have a chance?’
Her words were swimming through his head. Juggling back and forth with the blackness and feelings of guilt. The horrible weight of responsibility.
It was almost as if someone had pushed a little button, flicked a switch somewhere inside him. He couldn’t think about the ‘right’ words to say.
He couldn’t think at all. He had to get this over with. Once Lexi knew the truth she would happily walk away.
‘Because it was my fault!’ he yelled.
The words echoed through the inky black night, carrying along the dark path and beyond.
Lexi flinched backwards, shock stamped all across her face.
There was silence. Iain couldn’t speak, he was surrounded by the steamy breath that he’d just shot out and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He said it. He’d got it out there. But instead of feeling the weight of relief he might have, he just wanted to crumple down into a ball. He’d lost his wife and children because of his selfish behaviour. Instead of protecting his family, he’d destroyed them completely. No wonder he had problems sleeping at night.
Lexi looked stunned. Her hand touched his sleeve. Her voice was quiet, almost whispering. ‘How? How can it be your fault? Your wife died during childbirth.’
He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘It’s my fault because Bonnie had wanted to give up IVF. We’d already had two attempts and she was done. She’d had enough.’ He opened his eyes again to face Lexi, pointing his finger at his chest. ‘It’s my fault because I persuaded her to give it one last go. We still had viable embryos. I wanted to give them a chance. I didn’t stop and think about the effects on Bonnie—mentally and physically. I was so fixated on getting a family. I thought with my love and support we would be fine.’
It was like scraping an iron claw down her back, digging it deep into her delicate flesh. He had no idea how much those words hurt. She didn’t believe it had been Iain’s fault for a second. But he’d just revealed how fixated he was on a family. A family she could never provide. Yet another reason to leave.
‘Are you honestly telling me that Bonnie was unhappy being pregnant?’
‘What? Of course not. She was delighted. She was over the moon to fall pregnant. And when we found out she was having twins it made everything she’d ever gone through seem worthwhile.’
‘So how does that make it your fault, Iain? Bonnie could have said no. She could have refused to be implanted again.’
‘But she did, Lexi. I persuaded her. I did.’ Even though he’d got the words out there, his frustration was still building in his chest. His voice was rising. ‘If I had left Bonnie alone she would still be here. If I hadn’t pushed for the final round of IVF Bonnie wouldn’t have died. She’d still be alive. Still here to breathe. Still here to do the things she loved with the people she loved. Instead, I see her every night in my dreams. I see the panic on her face as she realises something is wrong, something is very wrong. I watch the monitors around her as she starts to bleed out and her blood pressure plummets. Amidst the panic in the room I hear her whisper to save the babies as she squeezes my hand. She believed in me, Lexi. She trusted me to save our children.’
He leaned against the barrier to the Thames, putting his head in his hands. His legs were shaking. He was back in that brightly lit room again. Filled with more doctors and midwives than he’d ever imagined. Every time he turned he was in someone’s way. Watching the life drain out of his beloved wife, and watching the faces of the staff as they eventually delivered two still white babies.
‘I don’t deserve you, Lexi. I don’t deserve anyone.’ The words hissed out of his mouth.
He waited a moment then straightened up. Most of the anger had dissipated from his body, along with most of his energy. He stared at the black water. His shoulders sagged. He couldn’t peel his eyes away from the dark, churning water. It matched his mood. ‘You’ve no idea. To hear the words of the doctor telling you that he’s so sorry about your wife and your children.’ He turned to face her, to look into her blue eyes and catch the flutter of her sparkling dress in the cold breeze. His heart squeezed in his chest.